Mr. and Mrs. Drerio's Journey - Page 8 - Talk About Marriage
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post #106 of 520 (permalink) Old 05-28-2013, 12:15 PM Thread Starter
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Mr. and Mrs. Drerio's Journey

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Originally Posted by 2ntnuf View Post
So, drerio, did you and your wife overlook things? Did you talk about those small things? Did you both just take it upon yourselves to "clean up" after the other? Did you make lists of each others responsibilities and stick to them? What/how did you do what needed to be done? How did you move forward to the more important issues?
We overlook things that we consider easy to deal with, that is it takes less time for me to close a cupboard door than to look for my wife to tell her to close it. The idea of picking your battles is what comes to mind.

We have talked about the cleaning duties. Often on the weekends when it is time to clean up, it also is a matter of just understanding efficiency. If my wife goes upstairs to start cleaning, I will just stay downstairs and start there. One thing we do as a practice (as I may have mentioned before) is that if I cook she cleans the kitchen and vis versa. If we both share in the cooking we both share in the clean up. So some list are just logical, but yes we have communicated about each other responsibilities.

On yet another note as our sons are getting older, we are expecting them to pull more of their weight and do clean up.

On think on the last question, I will try to answer as I continue this "boring" look at our lives. Those issues have and will come up and I will address our struggles and possible solutions. Some have worked well others continue to be a work in progress.

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post #107 of 520 (permalink) Old 05-28-2013, 12:26 PM
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Re: Mr. and Mrs. Drerio's Journey

Thanks, drerio. I know it was a concern in my marriage. Little things kept adding on to the list. I talked with her about it and suggested a list of some sort because she would do the cleaning mostly when I was at work. I told her we should make a list so I could do more and she wouldn't feel slighted. In other words, I understood. She poo-pooed the idea of a list. It was another nail in the coffin. Communication, compromise and more compromise and communication................That's what I was trying to do. I never saw an issue with a list. I guess she did.

"I'm significant!! Screamed the dust speck." - Bill Watterson

"And this, too, shall pass away."
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post #108 of 520 (permalink) Old 05-28-2013, 12:31 PM Thread Starter
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Mr. and Mrs. Drerio's Journey

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Thanks, drerio. I know it was a concern in my marriage. Little things kept adding on to the list. I talked with her about it and suggested a list of some sort because she would do the cleaning mostly when I was at work. I told her we should make a list so I could do more and she wouldn't feel slighted. In other words, I understood. She poo-pooed the idea of a list. It was another nail in the coffin. Communication, compromise and more compromise and communication................That's what I was trying to do. I never saw an issue with a list. I guess she did.
I hear where you are coming to... a matter of agreeing on ground rules and a list can be an important issue, whether spoken or unspoken. I just think it is important that a couple be careful with keeping these as score cards and bring them up when totally unrelated. We have not always been perfect, but that is why this is a journey and not a final chapter.

Our journey works for us, it may not be what works for everyone. Thank you for opening up your painful past. And, feel free to share. My intention is to help someone else, and by no means do we have all the answers.

Last edited by Ikaika; 05-28-2013 at 12:40 PM.
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post #109 of 520 (permalink) Old 05-28-2013, 02:02 PM
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Re: Mr. and Mrs. Drerio's Journey

Yeah, if there's a list, it can be used as a score card. If you don't use one, you can't be certain where you stand, you can always be behind the eight ball. It's a matter of just do it and forget it, but do it for yourself. Thank you. I appreciate you addressing my question. I think you have opened my eyes more about how to have a better relationship. Little things can become huge problems if not put behind us.

"I'm significant!! Screamed the dust speck." - Bill Watterson

"And this, too, shall pass away."
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post #110 of 520 (permalink) Old 05-28-2013, 02:43 PM
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Re: Mr. and Mrs. Drerio's Journey

drerio, thanks so much for putting up this thread! My DH have only been married a few years; I am very interested in you and your wife's story! I think it is awesome.
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post #111 of 520 (permalink) Old 05-28-2013, 06:00 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Mr. and Mrs. Drerio's Journey

2003 was a year of personal and family trials. A month or so following our oldest son’s third birthday, almost over night he nearly went mute on us. His behaviors seemed to have regressed to younger age, than his young 3-years of age. What vocalization he did was repetitive echolalia. Kenji also started to react in peculiar ways to auditory stimuli. You may expect a 1 year old to cry at his birthday party when everyone is singing “happy birthday” but at three this behavior should be gone. Not for Kenji. After his third birthday party, his presents sat for nearly four months up-opened. He refused to open them and he cried if we tried to open them for him. My SIL and MIL recognized something different about Kenji nearly six months prior, but we assumed it was just immaturity. Finally my wife took time off from her business and enrolled in an early education program with him. The teachers recognized right away that Kenji had some serious socialization issues. He refused to join on circle time even with my wife. Exacerbated, we took him to a Pediatric Neurologist, February 2003, and within 10 minutes of our visit he was diagnosed with autism. My wife and I were stunned. You have so much hope and expectations for your children and to be told that your child will have a lifetime of limitations is hard to swallow. It is hard enough when you come to a marriage with your own thoughts and cultural beliefs on how to raise a child, add a disability and it makes the complications that much greater.

Side note: for any young couple reading, I would like to lend caution that you build a strong relationship with your spouse prior to having children. Discuss prior to having that young one about your expectations and raising this precious life. Leave no stone unturned, religion, schooling, etc. Being proactive will make this journey a little smoother (never smooth, but a little is better than nothing). Raising a child to become an adult will test your patience and can have the tendency to divert your attention in the early years. By this, I mean moving your focus away from your spouse to this new life. It can leave you drained and your spouse feeling neglected. It does not have to be that way. If you can live close to trusted family members this will pay dividends or making trusted friends can be nearly as beneficial. You need to take advantage to allow grandma, aunty or a trusted friend to watch your child if even for a couple of hours so you can be a couple again. It is too important. It is too important for you and for your child.

In March 2003 Kenji was enrolled in an early intervention program in the Public School system in our state. And, thus began his many years in a Fully Self Contained Classroom setting. I watched how it affected my wife. As a professional (Speech and Language Pathologist), she felt ashamed. As a mom she felt guilt. I felt guilty. We both wondered “what did we do wrong?” “What could we have done to prevent this?” We know a lot of other parents went through the same, so this was not unique. But, doing so also tested our marriage. We had a lot of anger in those early years, not toward each other but it seemed to put a strain on our relationship. And, we knew the statistics were against us: “While the national divorce/separation rate for first marriages hovers at 40 to 50 percent, divorce rates for parents of children with autism spectrum disorders (ASD) specifically, is said to be as high as 80 percent. Eighty percent!” I know why this is the case... it can drain you daily. The energy level has be that much greater. Planning aspect of every event in life, anticipating every meltdown, understanding challenges for your child are always going to be 10 fold greater. This can also draw a lot of attention away from your spouse and from younger sibling(s). It does. And, yet more guilt. Personally it gave us great challenges and continues to but not as much as it did in the beginning. Neither of us spoke of divorce, but it created some deep riffs at times. There were times when I recall sleeping on the couch for one whole week. When I reflect back I think how immature of me. At one point, during that year we both concluded that for Kenji to have any chance, we needed to have a stronger marriage. We began to take advantage of our in-laws and reconnected as a couple. We needed to rekindle and re-ignite our love and commitment. It was awkward at first, but like anything the more you practice the better you will get. You just need to start.

Toward the end of that year, my parents as they got older wanted to reconnect with me. I was a bit uncomfortable to find out that they decided to sell their house on Kauai to move within a mile of us. My father was showing early signs of dementia and wanted to make amends for all those years growing up under his roof. My mother wanted to connect with her grandchildren. We slowly allowed them into our lives. However, December 2003, my mother suffered a major stroke, hemiplegic on the left side and wheel chair bound. So now my parents pretty much had to change their plans of how they were going to relate to me an my young family given their own challenges. And, they made demands and challenges on us for help.

To be continued.... Just tell me when you want me to stop. I will not be offended.
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post #112 of 520 (permalink) Old 05-28-2013, 06:01 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Mr. and Mrs. Drerio's Journey

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drerio, thanks so much for putting up this thread! My DH have only been married a few years; I am very interested in you and your wife's story! I think it is awesome.
you are welcome. I hope you can take a little from it... Not every experience will fit yours, but maybe there is a little something.

Take Care
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post #113 of 520 (permalink) Old 05-28-2013, 07:40 PM
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Re: Mr. and Mrs. Drerio's Journey

"And, we knew the statistics were against us: “While the national divorce/separation rate for first marriages hovers at 40 to 50 percent, divorce rates for parents of children with autism spectrum disorders (ASD) specifically, is said to be as high as 80 percent. Eighty percent!” I know why this is the case... it can drain you daily."

The strain of having a child with any medical condition puts a lot of strain on relationships. I know my parents struggled with me, going to the hospital each year for all of my surgeries. I saw this "letter" as an adult and wish my parents could have seen it when I was a child, but I'll share it here:

Welcome to Holland

Thank you for sharing your story. I'm hoping my husband and I can learn how to be a better couple and improve our marriage.
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post #114 of 520 (permalink) Old 05-28-2013, 08:48 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Mr. and Mrs. Drerio's Journey

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"And, we knew the statistics were against us: “While the national divorce/separation rate for first marriages hovers at 40 to 50 percent, divorce rates for parents of children with autism spectrum disorders (ASD) specifically, is said to be as high as 80 percent. Eighty percent!” I know why this is the case... it can drain you daily."

The strain of having a child with any medical condition puts a lot of strain on relationships. I know my parents struggled with me, going to the hospital each year for all of my surgeries. I saw this "letter" as an adult and wish my parents could have seen it when I was a child, but I'll share it here:

Welcome to Holland

Thank you for sharing your story. I'm hoping my husband and I can learn how to be a better couple and improve our marriage.
Thank you A07, that is a beautiful letter and so true.
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post #115 of 520 (permalink) Old 05-28-2013, 09:54 PM
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Re: Mr. and Mrs. Drerio's Journey

You need to stop asking us to tell you to stop if it's boring. It's not boring at all! Next time you ask I'm going to make fun of you in the Inappropriate Jokes thread so consider yourself warned.

I could really relate to your post about the struggles with special needs. Been there, done that and have the souvenir.

Please keep going. I check this thread regularly.

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post #116 of 520 (permalink) Old 05-28-2013, 11:24 PM Thread Starter
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Mr. and Mrs. Drerio's Journey

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You need to stop asking us to tell you to stop if it's boring. It's not boring at all! Next time you ask I'm going to make fun of you in the Innappropriate Jokes thread so consider yourself warned.

I could really relate to your post about the struggles with special needs. Been there, done that and have the souvenir.

Please keep going. I check this thread regularly.
point taken

ETA: I know you spelled it correctly but had to fix it for AR's sake
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post #117 of 520 (permalink) Old 05-29-2013, 11:09 AM
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Re: Mr. and Mrs. Drerio's Journey

And THEN what happened, Drerio?! We're waiting for more story here!!
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post #118 of 520 (permalink) Old 05-29-2013, 11:21 AM
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Re: Mr. and Mrs. Drerio's Journey

From the free online dictionary

cliff·hang·er (klfhngr)
n.
1. A melodramatic serial in which each episode ends in suspense.
2. A suspenseful situation occurring at the end of a chapter, scene, or episode.
3. A contest so closely matched that the outcome is uncertain until the end.


You're not dramatic at all, d.

"I'm significant!! Screamed the dust speck." - Bill Watterson

"And this, too, shall pass away."
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post #119 of 520 (permalink) Old 05-29-2013, 11:28 AM Thread Starter
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Mr. and Mrs. Drerio's Journey

LanieB and 2n,

My wife asked me if I was writing a TV series... not intentional, but I guess it feels that way. Not intentional, it really has more to do with trying to put a meaningful voice to the past rather than just stating facts.

The Kardashians we are not
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post #120 of 520 (permalink) Old 05-29-2013, 11:32 AM
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Re: Mr. and Mrs. Drerio's Journey

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LanieB and 2n,

My wife asked me if I was writing a TV series... not intentional, but I guess it feels that way. Not intentional, it really has more to do with trying to put a meaningful voice to the past rather than just stating facts.

The Kardashians we are not
Yeah, sure, sure.

"I'm significant!! Screamed the dust speck." - Bill Watterson

"And this, too, shall pass away."
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