Long Term Success in MarriageIf you've been married 10+ years and consider your marriage a success, post your success story here. Help others by talking about what works for you.
I need to know, from people who are married successfully and a long time, how to communicate effectively.
Of course you're always going to hear that husbands don't listen to their wives and instead try to nitpick or solve everything. Then you hear from husbands that their wives don't listen to them because their wives starting asking them about their feelings.
I often hear a complaint that husbands are always placed with the burden of having to communicate like a wife without being able to communicate like a man, and yet a woman can keep communicating like a woman.
I see you have not had many replies. i am new here ans looking through posts. I have just recently 6 weeks ago found out about my wifes affairs a year ago. We are talking which didn't happen the first 3 weeks. We talk honestly and openly about our feelings or anything. I don't know how to tell someone how to do this. You just need to agree to talk and be honest. You shouldn't be affraid of telling tho one you love anything. like I told her we can't do anything about our feelings and thoughts even if they are no what the other wants to hear. But we can control our actions which are the things that can hurt each other.
The thing you have to keep in mind is that men tend to be underdeveloped when it comes to communication. This is in part why men are encouraged to do some changing and to develop additional communication skills when women are not.
That said, there are a lot of women who also don't get that men are not mind readers and that they don't necessarily see something if it isn't pointed out to them. An intelligent woman can help a man to broaden his perceptions and ability to communicate. Boys just aren't taught these things.
A surprising new way that hubby and I communicate now is through texting. Its really nice that we can send each other just a quick note here and there through out the day, no strings attached. It was awkward and we felt kinda dumb at first but we are addicts now!
Also, I can learn just about anything I want about hubby on the nights he goes out drinking with his friends. Liquor makes for loose lips ;p
We talk honestly and openly about our feelings or anything. I don't know how to tell someone how to do this. You just need to agree to talk and be honest. You shouldn't be affraid of telling tho one you love anything. like I told her we can't do anything about our feelings and thoughts even if they are no what the other wants to hear. But we can control our actions which are the things that can hurt each other.
I agree w/ hurt. You just have to talk and be honest. My H & I are finally talking, really talking after many years. (Unfortunately this was after I discovered my H was having an affair.) We tell each other everything, even if it's not what the other wants to hear. AND we are actually listening to what the other person is saying. Before we would be too quick to retort back before the other person was done speaking. Or my husband was withholding info from me (financial, stuff about his work, etc) because he knew it would make me mad. BUT instead of telling me and just assuming he knew my reaction, he kept it from me. Which ultimately led to be finding out much later and it being much worse. Or by not telling me things, without all the info, I was making unfair rationalizations.
Now, we spill everything. And now if he is doing something that annoys me, I take a deep breath and at first let it go. If it's something I can't, I will come right out and say - "sorry, but I am about ready to lose it because__________" That gives him the opportunity to know I am about to get mad and why. Sometimes he had no idea what he was doing bothered me so much, etc. The same goes for him too. He'll tell me this really bugs me because___________ & I can understand it.
We also text alot now too. It's great because it's quick and sometimes we can pour our hearts out and say what we want to without standing face to face. Sometimes u just need to say what you need to say at the time and you don't have to wait until you are together again. That keeps us from bottling up and "stewing" about stuff all day. It helps. Not to mention we can flirt all day long! :-)
what do you do when you haven't really cared for anyone before and you get to the point in life where it does matter how do you keep yourself on track to have a happy marriage seeing howthings are now days?
A surprising new way that hubby and I communicate now is through texting. Its really nice that we can send each other just a quick note here and there through out the day, no strings attached. It was awkward and we felt kinda dumb at first but we are addicts now!
Also, I can learn just about anything I want about hubby on the nights he goes out drinking with his friends. Liquor makes for loose lips ;p
We love texting too. Very helpful and fun.
I also use liquor as a self inflicted truth serum upon rare occassion. It's amazing how being fairly "loose" and telling your wife you love her works to your advantage. I don't drink without my wife though... um... I get very touchy feelie, like with anyone.
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Communication can be tricky, and I think it can very from couple to couple too. That said, there are basics that I find work well for me and should work well for others too:
Honest and Upfront
Be open and honest about what you talk about. From what you like/dislike to what happened at the bar the other night. Honesty is incredibly important, because ultimately you will be hurting yourself just as much as the other.
Try to stay Calm
This applies mostly arguments, but staying calm and levelheaded helps tremendously. People are very adept at blurting out stuff they don't really mean when they are angry, just to hurt the other person. Problem is, sometimes that hurt can take a LONG time to undo.
Never say Never (or Always)
Never and Always are easy to use and can be incredibly destructive. 'You are Always this...' 'You Never that...' If you really think about it, it's not really true. There are times that they are like that, but it's not truly 'Always/Never'. Instead express yourself with 'feel' 'I feel like you do this' It's amazing what a difference that can make.
Talk about the small stuff
It doesn't just have to be about big things. Talk about the weather, what's on TV, how that burrito is really not agreeing with you. The more you talk the more you get to know. Meaningless stuff can sometimes have real meaning!
Three Little Words
'I Love You'. Try to say these words to your spouse at least once a day (and REALLY mean it!). It's something I'm not great at, and am trying to improve. If they're constantly told that they're loved, they'll feel that much more appreciated. (Although us males may prefer the other three words: 'I Want Sex!')
Three Little Words
'I Love You'. Try to say these words to your spouse at least once a day (and REALLY mean it!). It's something I'm not great at, and am trying to improve. If they're constantly told that they're loved, they'll feel that much more appreciated. (Although us males may prefer the other three words: 'I Want Sex!')
Nice post. This last part is important...in addition to 'I love you' any positive comments from my perspective make me feel emotionally closer to my husband and wanting more sex!
Thank you for what you said but I believe I need alot more than just that to me men are difficult to me for reason's I will not say it's so much in my past but I love this man and he is the first and this is hard I am full of doubt here and he isn't happy about it at all he said I say things and never do anything about it I am at a loss he is the kind that has the strenght I use to have and it's hard for me to get mine back I was really hurt in such away that it's hard.
Here is something that has worked for us over the years, and especially most recently when we've been going through a tough time. We start out by putting our thoughts in email so that the other can read and respond to them before we talk face to face. What it seems to do is allow us to get our thoughts out on the table so the other can digest them, interpret them, react to them. It's not always perfect, and certainly email cannot replace face to face communication, but it does tend to reduce the stress when we do have the in person talk. Sometimes it is easier for me, as a man, to put my thoughts in writing. I don't "argue" well.
The other thing I do is keep a journal. My wife has access to it, with my permission of course, and she does read it. She keeps one and has invited me to read hers whenever I want. Sometimes I'll put something in there to get it off my chest, or something that's worrying me (health issues for example, as many men hate going to the Dr.) and she'll read it and that serves to get the conversation going. Everyone is different, so this may not work for you. Just something that has helped us in the past.
I have a question my husband tells me I'm not tryen hard enough because I am not worken and I'm getting back on my feet slowly yet he knew this and he still ask me to marry him he noes what I went thru and he see's what I was like in the past, never the less I have Leukemia and as I get older I get sicker and last year I had (3) surgery's and it's depressing yet I still try to fine work the experience I have means nothen now day's they even tell me on other jobs I wouldn't do that I'm over qualified so I'm at a loss and he has me upset and thinken that it's not me he wants and I'm hurting because for the first time of allowing a man to get close I fell in love but is he. He ask for nothen but for me to do better for myself I'm tryen I really am I can't ake anyone hire me he said he just doesn't want me to get lazy yet he pushes me so and it gets me upset because he forgets I'm ill. What can I do here help.
Communicating involves listening as much as (or more than) it involves talking. How can you effectively communicate with someone if you don't get what they're saying?
One method of communicating with your spouse, who often will default to the opposite of your own style, is to put yourself in their shoes. Hear what they will hear when you speak. Say things so that they can understand. The same goes when listening. Try to hear what THEY are trying to say, their motivations, emotions, etc. instead of just your reaction to it.
It may take more work than just opening your ears, but reaching out to your partner on their playing field will be helpful.
I always communicate with him and try to see where he is comen from. I put his feelens ahead of mine at times yet when it matters he is so hard on me anyway. He is and I are strong willed and it's like I lost my drive somehow down the line I am lost on this issue. I listen to his wants and try to meet them as best I can.
How to communicate effectively-- need advice 
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