Struggling, your wife has been rug sweeping her hardcore PA with your former friend and is now trying to blame shift with your light EA or any minor communication you have with any woman to gain the upper hand.
That is not the sign of a remorseful wife worthy of a second chance.
Now compare bestblu1's wife with yours and you can see a world of difference between the two former cheating wives. His was, and still is, remorseful while yours is not despite her claims that she is.
As far as point 1 - Correct...she has with my help. She was originally very remorsful, I begged her to stay, and except for her insecurities and jealousy...we have had a great relationship since the affair. Just like Bestblu...I helped her in this role of blameshifting. I blamed him for manipulating, I took blame, I let her off easy! It was my only way to get through it and I know this now!
She thought it was behind us and thought she had rebuilt the trust and we were good. I should have been honest about the triggers and the pain they still caused. I should have shared it with her, not others. That's what I'm telling him he needs to do. I was always trying to be ok with it in order to move forward. My therapist has said I should never be ok with it...It wasn't ok. What I didn't do was fully process it, work through it, accept that it happened...and then try to move forward building new memories together.
She was remorseful, although due to the severity...I'm not so sure anyone would be worthy of a second chance? I think once it goes physical...it's better to move on. (from my experience only). God knows I've tried to be ok with it!
Regarding the 2nd point....maybe out of anger I have misconstrued, but I do not see a lot of difference? My wife was remorseful, I believe she still is... I have felt the love and seen the tears. But she does have some serious self-esteem and jealousy/insecurity issues that she needs to work through.
I didn't mean to attack him..yes I am bitter and angry and hurting....I just saw a similarity in how he was "accepting it" and I want him to know he needs to be honest with his feelings and keep talking to his wife. he also needs to stay with the counseling. I believe if they do this, they have as good a chance or maybe even better than other couples of staying married and happy!
I came to this forum the past few days b/c I feel like husband and I are just "going through the motions" again. It sucks b/c I know what can happen when that point comes.
We both cheated on each other almost 5 years ago. Wow. As I type that, I can't believe it's really been that long. I was looking for hope that people can stay together after an affair, even years after. Things have been really good until probably the past year.
I am hoping we can deal with the current problems to not run into something like what happened in the early years of our marriage. It sounds like some people do have success and that is great to hear.
I just hate this feeling that we are repeating the same patterns that led us to cheat to begin with.
Does anyone that has stayed with their spouse ever see the same patterns again, many years later? I thought we moved past everything but it does seem that I am holding onto stuff more than him.
I appreciate that you would ask for my comments on your situation. I am not qualified to say much however about what to do to make things in your relationship improve. Everyone's situation is so much different.
My strongest recommendation is for you (and your husband if he is willing) to get professional counseling. If you read my entire story then you know that my wife and I did just that. There is tremendous value in confiding in a qualified counselor. I don't know your spiritual beliefs but no matter what they are I believe that the best counselors are Christian based.
I told my story, and continue to tell it, not because I think that I have the answers for everyone who has been hurt by infidelity. I tell it because I want to give hope to those who, like I once did, feel like there is no hope of a happy married life again.
I think that the key to your future happiness is for you to be able to tell your story to an impartial 3rd party professional. The key to your marriage succeeding is for "both" you and your husband doing it at the same time. With all my heart I believe that is the best advice I can give.
Vision, bestblu1 is right. A therapist has the tools to help you untangle the confusing mixed bag of emotions and patterns. I can speak from experience that they can help you shed light on darkest parts of yourself. Keep a stout heart.
Wow OP yours and mine are somewhat the same a little. I too took my wife for granit. Would only pay attention when I want sex. So I think too the affiar was a two way street. But with my health stressing her out I have had two kidney transplants three years appart and some poeple I was told by MC that instead of dealing with the stress they look for another way out. And me not being the best husban did not help either.
After I found out I did not beg her to stay or anything but I made sure everyone knew what happen even our kids. Which all sided with me. At this time I had all kinds of stuff go through my head. Start drinking, taking drugs shot myself, etc. But after talking to some friends I choose GOD. I gave him every last bit of pain I had. And you know what it help!
Well one of her friend ask do you have any love of God left in you and she said "yes". This and with MC lead us back on a path to R. It took me 6 months to forgive. But you never forget. Just like my surgeries I am better but I have the scars to remind me.
Now the OM was a complete jerk. Once it was out in the open he blamed everyone but himself for what happen. Some stuff he wrote her made me scratch may head wondering why all the hate? I think if he wrote love letter instead of hate it might of been harder for her.
I too know OM were he lives, work, etc. He is 4 hours from us. But though all this I never once called him or responded to any email. I think that pissed him off more than me ever say anything.
Bestblu, I know this is an old post but it's the first time I've seen it. I haven't read the whole thread but I have a question for you. Did you make a conscious effort to have more and better sex with your wife or did you truly have increased sexual desire for her after you learned of the cheating?
If you had increased sexual desire for her did you ever contemplate why? You described her confession and begging you, etc in great detail. Was her complete submission to you and her shame a turn on that sparked your renewed sex life? Or was it more of the 'sperm competition' thing?
This is a serious question which I hope you don't find offensive.
Thankyou for your update. I read your original post a while ago and was wondering how you were getting on.
My H and I have recently reconciled after his A and I am hoping we have a long and happy life ahead of us. We have been together 18 years and I too have forgiven him for what he has done, I don't think we could possibly make this work if I hadn't. I will not punish him got the rest of his life for something he so desperately regrets. Only 2 weeks in but we are doing well. Your story gives me hope and encouragement that we can build a better and stronger marriage for the future
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I forgave my wife within about 2 hours of her confession. I forgave her because I could see that she was truly sorry for what she had done. I told her that I forgave her. Did I still hurt? Was I still angry? Was I still devastated? Absolutely!
If they can lie to you, deceive you and betray you for 12 years, they can certainly turn on the crocodile tears when needed. Of course the WS seems sorry, they don't want to have their life turned upside down for their deeds (ie be held accountable).. IMHO forgiving that easy only enabled her to do it again easier next time.. I will never forgive, nor could I fathom the thought of having sex with that gross creature again.. granted I'm not in a self created rose colored world such as yourself but at least I have not subjugated myself to the one that betrayed me.
For me, forgiving her was not just about accepting her back into my heart with no conditions. The forgiving part was probably even more important for my mental health. I had to forgive the other guy also. I don't like him and I never will. But by forgiving him, I have removed his power from my life. Otherwise I would be tormented by rage, hatred and every other negative emotion that goes with this kind of betrayal. I can say to a certain degree, the forgiveness was a huge mental relief. It allowed me to work on rebuilding my sense of self worth and value as a man.
This may be difficult to understand but by forgiving her, I feel a sense of non-dependance on her
That's not to say that I immediately trusted her. Forgiveness and trust are two entirely different things. She is still having to earn my trust.
It requires very little inner strength to hold on to bitterness and unforgiveness. If I ended up having to leave her for infidelity it would be easier to do so now. My feelings about who I am as a man are no longer dependent on her faithfulness to me.
I have never ever cheated myself in any relationship but I have been cheated on once a long time ago by a past girlfriend, and that ended very quickly after 2 years together once I found out. And I commend a lot of you for being able to stay together after your spouse or significant other cheated on you because I surely could not do it, because to me once you break that very very intimate "bond" we have - I would never ever trust you again or treat you the same way. And who wants to be with someone that they don't trust or respect?
I wanted to thank you for sharing your story. I've read it twice and linked to your blog. When your heart is shattered and your mind is confused, stories like yours gives hope and a direction. Best wishes to you and Mrs. Bestblu1
I have a few questions for Best that are relating to the past few years in review, and what his opinions are on certain subjects. I have hard questions because it's the hard questions that nobody seems to be able to answer successfully.
1. Is there a day that goes by where you don't think about or get reminded of the affair in some way?
2. Do you feel complete trust for your wife now?
3. Would your life have been better had the affair never happened? Why or why not?
4. By saying that you contributed in any way to your wife stepping out on you are you not taking blame and responsiblity for another's actions? I believe all marriages have problems. The difference between those that experience adultery and those that don't is merely the choice of the adulterer. What are your thoughts?
5. How exactly has staying married helped you? Is it rewarding? Do you feel that it was better than any other alternative? My question is related to keeping the source of your pain close, and how you feel it has affected your recovery.
6. By staying married how have your feelings towards your wife changed? Do you look at her positively the way you did before any knowledge of the affair? Can you be around her, have sex with her, experience life with her without experiencing the pain of the affair in any way? Do you hold her in a positive loving light, or is it the idea marriage itself that you love? I'm really curious as to how a person can cheat and thus change the concept of who the are forever, and still be seen in a positive way by their spouse. Even building a "new marriage" just seems like the parties involved are just lying to themselves about what happened in the past, and yes, I'm suggesting that the past does matter.
7. I believe "recovery" would include a full feeling of happiness and joy, something that was hopefully experienced before the affair. How is this possible while memory persists? How can memory and emotion be completely seperated in this way? Is my concept of recovery even possible, or do I need to settle for recovery as something else? If recovery is something less than what I expect, then wouldn't it be better to divorce and find a new relationship with somebody who hasn't cheated on me?
8. How have your feelings towards your wife's lover changed over the years? Do you feel that justice is needed in any way? Despite the fact that your wife was the one who made the choice to hurt you, was he not party in the act as well? Did he not also commit adultery by sleeping with a married woman? Is he not accountable for the pain he helped cause? I say this because I believe that justice can be a huge part of those being wronged finding peace.
Because I have been burned badly by people in the past I don't fully trust anyone to begin with; so when I decide to make someone my wife and agree to TRUST her more than anyone else in my life and she ends up cheating on me, that would hurt twice as bad and there would be no trusting that person ever again - period - end of story.
I'm really sorry that you've been through such a traumatic experience
The affair as you may already know is entirely your spouse's fault but setting bad precedents within the marriage goes a long way in contributing to your spouse having a very unfulfilled relationship( if she is not a serial cheater that is).
I hope you have identified the causes leading to both you and your spouse's dissatisfaction in the relationship
bestblu1, Firstly I can't thank you enough for this thoughtful, personal and open thread. Personally I am going through a difficult time with my W right now and your very insightful comments have given me a new way of looking at things. I am glad to see that you have been so successful. I think part of that success is due to the maturity and responsibility you have both put into this. I only hope our outcome can be this good.
Bestblu1, while I have not read this entire thread, I too want to thank you for sharing your experience. I think many can learn from all that you shared.