Long Term Success in MarriageIf you've been married 10+ years and consider your marriage a success, post your success story here. Help others by talking about what works for you.
The problems I have with this idea that the faithful partner is somehow responsible, is sometimes the faithful partner didn't do anything wrong. They're just married to a jerk. Also, by this logic that the problems in a marriage cause the unfaithful spouse to cheat and the faithful spouse to be partially responsible, then all marriages should have infidelity as a problem as well, because every marriage has problems. The very fact that many marriages don't have the pain of infidelity poisoning the relationship tells me that we as humans have our own choices to make and be responsible for, and that we do not need infidelity to "make our relationship stronger". The person who cheated caused the infidelity, not the faithful spouse. By this former logic then I too should be able to go have an affair, and say that she drove me to it. It's simply not true. If the faithful spouse actually got to choose any of the infidelity then infidelity wouldn't be the problem that it is. Infidelity was the sole choice of the unfaithful spouse and their affair partner. Nobody else can or should take the responsiblility for that. Further I cannot believe that infidelity is simply a symptom of a bigger problem. Problems don't come much bigger than somebody having sex with another who isn't their spouse. I'd rather be murdered, because at least then I'd be dead and no longer able feel the pain of the crime against me.
The problem that infidelity happens lies in the broken promise. When you married it wasn't, "I'll be faithful to you and none other, unless I feel that you're not being a good enough spouse, then I can go sex up anybody who's interested." Character matters when it's the hard thing to do. Just because your relationship was crap doesn't give one reason/excuse/justification/motivation for infidelty. Those parts all lie in the cheater, not the faithful spouse. If you truly love somebody then fight for them, and don't do anything that could hurt them as deeply as infidelity.
I am glad you posted this. I also agreed with a post above regarding responsibility that some faithful partners may have. For myself, I recognize how my actions and/or inactions left my spouse and marriage susceptible to an EA/PA, but that does not excuse the infidelity.
In any event, your post reminds me that affairs can happen when the faithful spouse did nothing wrong.
My wife and I have been married for 30 plus years. We have 5 children and 3 grandkids.
In July 2009, I discovered that she had been cheating on me for about 12 years. We have recovered and are doing very well. It may seem hard to believe but it's true.
If there is anyone who sincerely wants to overcome the pain of an adulterous relationship, I may be able to share some things that can help you. The things we did to get our marriage back on track are working for us.
I really believe that our story can help others who truly want to restore their marriage and trust. Let me know if you would like any advice.
What i'm seeing here is a woman that is reaching an age where sex, due to hormonal reasons has began to be less interesting and she realized that she was putting in jeopardy the "grow old together" fantasy.
Come on... 12 years of cheating and all of the sudden a light was turned on?
Quite honestly, i think your in an emotional state i like to equate to the ruined poker player. He keeps throwing money at the table in hopes his luck changes because he has lost almost everything.
You invested so much in your relationship of 30 years that you now have a very hard time just ending it. Your wife played you exactly the right way. With the vomiting scene and all...
But in case i'm wrong congrats... Each one of us has the right to seek happiness in whatever shape it may come.
What i'm seeing here is a woman that is reaching an age where sex, due to hormonal reasons has began to be less interesting and she realized that she was putting in jeopardy the "grow old together" fantasy.
Come on... 12 years of cheating and all of the sudden a light was turned on?
Quite honestly, i think your in an emotional state i like to equate to the ruined poker player. He keeps throwing money at the table in hopes his luck changes because he has lost almost everything.
You invested so much in your relationship of 30 years that you now have a very hard time just ending it. Your wife played you exactly the right way. With the vomiting scene and all...
But in case i'm wrong congrats... Each one of us has the right to seek happiness in whatever shape it may come.
I'm almost embarrassed when I read my initial post that you quoted above. Now, looking back, it seems so naive and shallow.
In response to your post, I will address only your last statement. Yes, you are wrong and I humbly accept your congrats.
Your point is well taken and I have tried to do that. I feel that I have revealed a lot of the struggle. I think that sometimes people "gloss" over the story and only get what they want from the story. I think that if you read my entire thread, I have described a lot of the "pain" and "doubts" I have experienced. I would almost need to write a book to make the whole story more understandable.
Perhaps my reading was biased by your title and first couple of posts, including where you had forgiven her within hours. It came across as too easy. That initial impression may well have colored how I read some of your later posts.
Nevertheless, I wish you the best of luck in moving forward in your marriage.
First impression: your thread title is: 'how we overcame adultery'. To me, it seemed to translate as: 'how i overcame my ego to maintain matrimonial status quo'. that is quite an achievement too, I guess. and i would add 'self-respect' to ego.
To me, it seems you did not overcome, sir. you ducked under. well, to each his own.
You did a rug-sweeping of Augean proportions. I hope your story proves to be the exception to the general belief / empirical inference on this forum (that rug-sweeping leads to repeat offenses).
First impression: your thread title is: 'how we overcame adultery'. To me, it seemed to translate as: 'how i overcame my ego to maintain matrimonial status quo'. that is quite an achievement too, I guess. and i would add 'self-respect' to ego.
To me, it seems you did not overcome, sir. you ducked under. well, to each his own.
You did a rug-sweeping of Augean proportions. I hope your story proves to be the exception to the general belief / empirical inference on this forum (that rug-sweeping leads to repeat offenses).
Reading your post I kinda feel like you Rugswept the entire issue, what do you have to say about that?
I'm curious why you feel that he rugswept? To me, rugsweeping is ignoring the issue & moving forward anyway. He made it clear that she would need to be transparent and rebuild trust. At some point, people can either move forward after infidelity or they cannot and if they cannot it's best to move on vs. to throw this back in their spouses face. Since he is able to move forward, IMO it would be counter-productive to keep re-hashing the affair.
In my situation, I love my wife so much that I am willing to give her another chance. If you read one of my previous posts, you will remember how violently ill she became (she vomited several times) when she was confessing to me. She begged me not to leave her.
The more important aspect to me is the fact that I "emotionally mistreated" her for many years. I felt a certain amount of responsibility for pushing her "into his arms". I know this guy and I know now that he is an incredible manipulator. He knew exactly what to say to her to get her to give in to his advances. He said all the things that I never would (until now...better late than never). He made her feel appreciated more than I ever did. She told me these things without blaming me, but just to explain to me how it happened.
Quote:
After about an hour of crying and wailing (honestly I think the neighbors could hear me even though the doors and windows were closed), I decided I had to get out, drive around, collect myself, just do something.
I went into the garage and backed the car out. She came outside and asked me where I was going. I told her I didn't know I just needed to drive. She begged me to come along so I let her in the car and just started driving.
About three blocks down the road I said: "Don't think for a minute that you are going to blame me for any of this!"
It was quiet for a moment and she said: "So you don't think you have any responsibility in this?"
^This and a few other posts
With all due respect swedish,
I in no way wish to rehash the affair and I'm glad that he was able to reconcile and hope that he continues to have the marriage that he deserves. I'm merely asking this question from an academic point of view?
Swedish, mind if I ask you if you are a betrayed spouse or if you have ever dealt with infidelity directly? I am one and I wager zug is one too and we've hung around the CWI forum long enough to see patterns of behaviour emerge from many WSs and many BSs and the above behaviour exhibited by both bestblu and his wife merely interests me, as it conforms to the same behaviour that a BS in denial and WS who blameshifts exhibit.
I realize that you are a mod and getting into an argument with you would bode ill for me but please understand that from experience I've learned that a BS who accepts blame for an affair and a WS who shifts blame of his/her affair onto the BS rarely acknowledges the trauma that a BS goes through because they rarely if ever show true remorse without which moving forward would only mean rugsweeping and going about with your daily life.
And to reiterate once again, I suspect that this is a forum and what makes it robust is the fact that we are free to have our queries answered if the OP chooses to do so and since I have in no way violated any forum rules I don't see how you can prevent me from "throwing their affair back into their faces" (yes he is free to ignore my question too) Wouldn't you agree Swedish?
Again if my comments hurt you in anyway bestblu, I humbly ask you to pardon me.And I think it would be good to have you on board there at the CWI section so that your experience can be shared among the people there
Swedish, mind if I ask you if you are a betrayed spouse or if you have ever dealt with infidelity directly?
Yes, I am a betrayed spouse (EA moving toward a PA) and this is initially why I joined TAM several years ago. I'll refrain from rehashing my story as I don't wish to hi-jack this thread
Quote:
Originally Posted by anonymouskitty
I realize that you are a mod and getting into an argument with you would bode ill for me but please understand that from experience I've learned that a BS who accepts blame for an affair and a WS who shifts blame of his/her affair onto the BS rarely acknowledges the trauma that a BS goes through because they rarely if ever show true remorse without which moving forward would only mean rugsweeping and going about with your daily life.
I understand your point. In my case, while I don't believe my husband really understood the depth of the pain I felt, I did feel he was very remorseful and pained him to see me so hurt. However, talking about the state of our marriage at the time enabled us to build a stronger marriage going forward. I realize not all cases of infidelity are the same, but it seems bestblu1 & I both acknowledged that we contributed to the current state of our marriages. This in no way excuses infidelity, but rather focuses on the entire marriage as a whole, not just the infidelity, when working to rebuild.
Quote:
Originally Posted by anonymouskitty
And to reiterate once again, I suspect that this is a forum and what makes it robust is the fact that we are free to have our queries answered if the OP chooses to do so and since I have in no way violated any forum rules I don't see how you can prevent me from "throwing their affair back into their faces" (yes he is free to ignore my question too) Wouldn't you agree Swedish?
I believe you may have mis-understood my post. By 'throwing the affair back in their face' I wasn't suggesting that you were doing that. I was merely giving my opinion that at some point the BS needs to let it go. I have seen cases where the BS brings up an affair, years later, in an argument and that just isn't healthy for the marriage, IMO.
Just sharing my view...not trying to imply you posted anything in violation of the rules.
First impression: your thread title is: 'how we overcame adultery'. To me, it seemed to translate as: 'how i overcame my ego to maintain matrimonial status quo'. that is quite an achievement too, I guess. and i would add 'self-respect' to ego.
To me, it seems you did not overcome, sir. you ducked under. well, to each his own.
You did a rug-sweeping of Augean proportions. I hope your story proves to be the exception to the general belief / empirical inference on this forum (that rug-sweeping leads to repeat offenses).
Best of luck.
Zigzag ,
I have considered your comments. Not quite sure what you mean because your artistic phrasing is a bit "over my head". But, I'm assuming you don't agree with how I have handled the situation up to this point.
I have discovered a trend with many (not all) of the skeptics who post (at least on this thread). There is a tendency to criticize but there is little in the way of constructive guidance.
So...my question to you (and to Anonymouskitty) is, what would you have me do at this point. If you could flip a switch in my head to get me to do the right thing, what would the right thing be ? After my wife begged me to forgive her, promised to be accountable, and has done so for 3 years (I know that I am naive for trusting her so let's leave my mental evaluation out of it,) I am not asking you by the way, to debate whether or not I have succeeded up to this point so let's not go there. But if you were my counselor and I was willing to do whatever you told me because of your reputation as the best counselor in my area, what would you have me do?
When you give me the answer, try to keep in mind that I'm a simple minded man with no education beyond high school and need to be communicated with in the simplest, most direct terms. And then, if you can, assure me in the most convincing and direct terms how secure my future happiness will be if I follow your guidance.
I have considered your comments. Not quite sure what you mean because your artistic phrasing is a bit "over my head". But, I'm assuming you don't agree with how I have handled the situation up to this point.
I have discovered a trend with many (not all) of the skeptics who post (at least on this thread). There is a tendency to criticize but there is little in the way of constructive guidance.
So...my question to you (and to Anonymouskitty) is, what would you have me do at this point. If you could flip a switch in my head to get me to do the right thing, what would the right thing be ? After my wife begged me to forgive her, promised to be accountable, and has done so for 3 years (I know that I am naive for trusting her so let's leave my mental evaluation out of it,) I am not asking you by the way, to debate whether or not I have succeeded up to this point so let's not go there. But if you were my counselor and I was willing to do whatever you told me because of your reputation as the best counselor in my area, what would you have me do?
When you give me the answer, try to keep in mind that I'm a simple minded man with no education beyond high school and need to be communicated with in the simplest, most direct terms. And then, if you can, assure me in the most convincing and direct terms how secure my future happiness will be if I follow your guidance.
Bestblu:
‘Zigzag’. Ah. Well-deserved.
According to you, you have successfully reconciled in the manner you did (forgiving a 12-year affair in 2 hours, and reconciling from that moment on). And it has held well for the last 3 years. That is truly an outstanding achievement.
But the more prevalent occurrence (by all indications and general consensus by marriage counselors) is: the manner in which you began Reconciliation (‘rug-sweep’ as it is called) is an almost sure-fire recipe for False Reconciliation and repeat offenses (the WS restarting the last affair / starting new affairs).
Hence, the caveats and comments and caution-calls.
Please note that your experience / achievement is an exception in this site (TAM), and very hard to emulate for most BS-WS teams.
Still, your thread would have invoked a far less doubtful acceptance, if:
Your wife had told you voluntarily (before you discovered it) at SOME point in all these years… …
It was not SUCH long-term affair (12 years)… …
You did not deserve better (if you were a really abusive - emotionally or physically - husband / an incorrigible alcoholic / a philanderer yourself / a financially hyper-irresponsible father and husband – none of which you were)… …
And so on.
If 3 years have passed, I guess you can call your Reconciliation a renewed marriage itself.
You made it, Sir. Your heart was / is big, and you got a big reward for it – from your WS, and Providence itself.
Unfortunately, most people who show big-heartedness in today’s world (especially in matters of man-woman relationships), not only do not receive any rewards, but often end up having to pay a painful price.
TAM is littered with such stories. And, standing amidst the rubbles of so many shattered lives, one tends to get a little skeptical about the whole scheme of marriage and reconciliation and all that. Especially when there are startlingly unusual patterns (such as in your case).
Best, we're not criticizing you or your marriage, all we want to know is what you did apart from checking on her and having time for each other?
Are you still checking on her and regularly?
Does she still believe that you share responsibility in her cheating?
I only ask this because I myself have reconciled with my fWW and her affair lasted 11 months, seven of those being physical and thus can understand your pain brother, but does your wife understand your pain too?
Because there is a lot of difference between someone being ashamed and regretful about their affair and someone who is remorseful and by what I've read on your thread though your wife seems regretful. she doesn't appear to be remorseful.
Did you have healthy boundaries in place? Boundaries you expect her not to cross?
How did she deal with your post affair anger? Because all the posts from you so far has indicated that you hardly ever concentrated on the anger.
And lastly would you say you're a conflict avoider or do you face it head on? Please think hard before you answer that question.
And lastly I do wish to congratulate you on your successful reconciliation and wish you continued success and happiness
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Re: How We overcame adultery 
Spot on as always zug
I realize that you are a mod and getting into an argument with you would bode ill for me but please understand that from experience I've learned that a BS who accepts blame for an affair and a WS who shifts blame of his/her affair onto the BS rarely acknowledges the trauma that a BS goes through because they rarely if ever show true remorse without which moving forward would only mean rugsweeping and going about with your daily life.
