Long Term Success in MarriageIf you've been married 10+ years and consider your marriage a success, post your success story here. Help others by talking about what works for you.
everything is not a conspiracy, or a soap opera. people who come on here are looking for help, and not someone to kick them while their down. God bless you.
Location: Some days Misery USA, some days Blah USA and most days Happy USA
Posts: 91
Re: How We overcame adultery
Well, I certainly agree with Hoping that Best obviously needs to watch actions and behaviors that would show repentance has stopped. This doesn't imply that he hasn't forgiven. It implies that he's awake and aware. Just as we watch out for dangers while we are driving down the road, we need to watch for dangers to our marriage.
As far as being healed or healing, I'd agree with Hoping again that healing is occuring but being totally healed is a long way off. I'll bet that Best agrees with that as well. He certainly doesn't sound blinded to reality but he does sound committed to staying in front of the negative thoughts and feelings.
In my own situation, what I've found is that feelings are fickle. They twist and turn with the slightest breeze of negativity or doubt but what I KNOW, that is solid. So when the winds of doubt come sailing through, I ask what do I KNOW? It helps to solidify my stand.
I can say that when my "realization" hit me of the wrongs in my own life, that my life changed - "I" changed. I changed because I became aware and I chose to take action to stop what I had been doing and begin doing something altogether different. The turning point was my understanding and my repentance. I take actions daily to recommit to my new course. That IS change displayed.
I have a special friend who had this happen to her...She is in her mid-50's....This happened when they were young with 2 children.....It tore her apart....She lost 50 pounds...They parted for a very short time and then got back together....He made a mistake...It was a slightly older woman who corraled him and had him for a month......It still haunts her, but they never talked about it after it happened...Theirs is a good marriage......This was over 30 years ago....
Only after talking with this woman in the last three months, would I have the wisdom of her knowledge embedded in my mind....Yes, I would take him back....He made a mistake, but he is mine.....
BTW, I tend to disagree with Caroline on almost everything. INCLUDING cheating.
I was just made aware of this statement that was made by this poster....I never saw it because I never read what she writes...I am my own person with my own thoughts....This is how I approach each thread where I voice my thoughts.....I believe that being this way in life is what makes me unique.....
Here is the part I have left out so far. This is by far the most important thing that has made it possible for me to succeed up to this point in staying the course in rebuilding my relationship with my wife...for both of us.
The worst feeling that I have experienced after finding out that my wife cheated on me was the feeling of loss of self worth. The loss of feeling loved and important to another person. I am sure that it is a common emotion for someone who has been cheated on.
After so many years together with the same person, discovering that the place in her heart that I thought was reserved for me and me alone, had been shared or replaced with intimacy with another man was devastating at first. I now felt that no one considered me important enough to fill that spot in their heart. What a horrible feeling of loneliness I felt. Can you relate to that?
I now know that the only way that I can ever feel secure in my value as a human being and as a man, is to understand that I am important, loved and valued by God. I believe the Bible and the Bible tells me that God will "never leave you nor forsake you". Many people may not understand this but I am surviving and even flourishing in my life because I embrace this truth.
I have come to understand that there is no person on the Earth that can ever fill this need for me as completely and unconditionally as God will.
I love my wife dearly and I believe that she loves me and has repented of her years of unfaithfulness. There is not enough time here to explain what I see in her that convinces me of this but I am convinced of it. We are both different people now.
But even still, I have come to value myself as a creation of God and an object of his love, and understand that more clearly than I ever have before. She nor any other woman could ever give me the sense of being loved so unconditionally.
I know that are some that will be skeptical of this and will not understand. But think about this if you have suffered from an adulterous situation. Can you ever completely be convinced that your spouse that cheated on you will never fail you again? You can't really. You can hope, believe and even see long term faithfulness on their part...but there will probably always be a wondering, a question, a feeling that your relationship will never feel as secure as it once did.
With God, there is no question, no wondering, and no chance that He will forsake you. His love gives me strength and confidence to continue in my relationship with my wife and pursue the perfect marriage. She could fail me again possibly, but it's a chance I am willing to take.
I will probably take some flack for this post from certain individuals but I don't really care. It would not be right for me to lead people to believe that I have made it this far because I am just an incredibly strong person who is able to what most people don't seem to have the capacity to do...forgive my wife for the wrong she has done. I could not have forgiven her if I could not feel the love that God has for me (after all, He has forgiven me for a lot of stuff). I just wouldn't have the strength. I would undoubtedly cheat on her (that would be easy), turn to alcohol to ease the pain, or drugs...or...I could just move out and not have to look at her again. Those would be much easier to do if...I didn't have God. But I know too much to take the easy way out (which ultimately would be much harder and just increase my pain).
Thanks for sharing your experience with forgiving your wife and trying to rebuild your marriage. It's helping me to read your posts, as I have recently decided to forgive (well, I'm trying to forgive) my husband for cheating on me. It is very painful, and we haven't even been married that long. I can't imagine what it would feel like if he'd cheated for years.
I think your wife is married to a wonderful man...It's funny, but at this age in life you find that you are still learning...Thanks my friend for my newest lesson in life....Take care...
Location: Some days Misery USA, some days Blah USA and most days Happy USA
Posts: 91
Re: How We overcame adultery
Best,
I so relate to your latest post. The unconditional love, the faithfullness, the trust that I NEED and MUST have in my life are now there permanently because of God. He IS faithful! He is the most attentive love and He NEVER, EVER gives up on me. He is quick to forgive as well as reprimand me. It's the best and most personal LOVE I've ever found. Through it, I am able to overcome the negativity that I once had in my attitude. I'm able to more unconditionally love my husband.
Thank YOU for sharing this. It's truly beautiful!
Lost
__________________ My marriage is a wreck.... But hopefully, with time, patience and love, that will change. Pray for me as i will pray for all of you, not that our marriages get better, not that our loved one turn around but that we all shall find happiness, piece, love, trust and confidence.... GOD bless and good luck, we all need it.
As I read some of the posts that others have written about their personal struggles with a cheating spouse, I have to mention something that I think is important.
I want to make it clear that in my situation, from everything I see and hear from my wife, she wants to change and stay with me. She has demonstrated to me that she is sorry for what she did and she has actively sought counseling to help her make the necessary changes.
I believe that my willingness to verbally express my forgiveness and love for her (along with many changes I have made to show her on a daily basis how much I value her) has helped her feel secure enough to choose me over that old way of life.
She has also allowed me to continue to ask whatever questions I want to ask about her affair. Mind you, I have tried to be sensitive to her feelings of guilt and have avoided certain questions about specific things that would only serve to make both of us feel worse. On the other hand, if I put myself in her shoes, I know that some of the questions she has had to answer have been extremely difficult for her...but she has answered them.
After about 5 or 6 weeks of lots of questions, I have eased up on the "interrogation" because I have heard enough to give me a pretty clear picture of what went on, what she was thinking during that time and so on. I don't feel the need to continue asking difficult questions about her past, but still ask her questions about her daily activities to maintain accountability on her part. She is fine with that.
But the point I want to make is, if she were not so willing to cooperate, I don't think I would still be around. I am not saying that I am right or wrong about that but I am saying that what has helped me most is the fact that she wants to stay with me and has not shown any inclination to go back to the old lifestyle.
Some of the other posts I have read tell stories of "cheating partners" that continue to cheat. My wife understands very well that I will not put myself through the pain of ongoing infidelity again. I think too much of myself to do that and I love her too much to "enable" her to continue to live that way and still be with me.
I believe a marriage can become even stronger after infidelity if both parties are willing to take an honest assessment of the marriage, forgive and put the marriage back on top of the priority list.
You have nicely described what needs to happen on both sides to get the marriage back on track. Really nice thread, I'm glad you started this.
It's hard and some are just unable to get past it. I understand that completely. However, Best, I commend you on the work you're putting into your marriage.
i'm certain you didn't mean to imply that many end their marriage simply because it was the easier path to choose.
to compliment your thought above, those who choose not to work with a partner who has broken trust are to be commended as well for the hard work they put in extricating themselves from what they perceived as an untenable position and unsustainable relationship.
i have the highest regard for all who work hard to make their lives whole again no matter which path they choose,
and am most saddened by those who stay, usually out of fear, when it seems best they leave, and those who leave, out of anger, when prudence dictates they stay.
and i know we agree, as demonstrated by my post and yours, victims of adultery need support no matter what path they choose.
but again, you say
'It's a lot of pain to work through. Sometimes you just can't.'
there are those who could work through the pain, are strong enough to work through the pain, but choose to take a different path, just as painful if not more
a point of view which i fully appreciate you understand and agree with.
I appreciate your thread and wish you all the best in your marriage and hope you continue your path to keep this marriage on the right path. I think you've shown great strength. I, too, have chosen to leave the past behind and move forward. 14 years and 2 sweet, adorable children are too important to just toss aside. Granted, I only found out of my H's A 3 weeks ago and the PA only lasted several weeks, it hurts just the same. WE both are committed to making our marriage stronger and will not go back to where we were. I was not innocent - I mean I NEVER cheated but I was checked out in many areas of my marriage. So much so than when I look in the proverbial mirror -WOW can't say I don't blame him at moments.
SO, like Best I have chosen to forgive and improve. So far, it's been bliss. We're back to US, the US that's been gone for a long, long time. Can't say I don't still get upset, nauseous, etc. but instead of responding with anger & letting that consume me, I am letting it go. I had lived with too much built up resentment for too many years on other issues, not going there again. I think if both parties are truly committed to making their marriage work, you can.
Location: Some days Misery USA, some days Blah USA and most days Happy USA
Posts: 91
Re: How We overcame adultery
I think as Recent Cloud has reminded us, that the response and paths that people choose or are forced to take in response to infidelity are all diffictult at best and almost impossible to survive at worst.
I think the real answer boils down to the individuals "IN" the situation. What they can live with, what they can't live without, what they want to live with, and what they want to live without. It's such a personal decision and imo, only the one walking in their shoes can make the final decision.
My wishes for everyone here is that we can find a way to get past the pain, the betrayal, the lack of trust and find our way to a place of hope, peace, love, and ultimately trust. That we can gain an understanding of what is important to us, how to maintain our relationships so they thrive and grow, and how to understand and commit to being true to our own self.
I've really enjoyed this thread, each response has been an even greater step for me into becoming more confident in "my" decision and in learning to acknowledge other's points of view surrounding what are viable options in this process.
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Re: How We overcame adultery 
