Long Term Success in MarriageIf you've been married 10+ years and consider your marriage a success, post your success story here. Help others by talking about what works for you.
I just wanted to reply b/c I can't believe I just found your thread after so long since it started and that I'm not the only guy with the cheating W for 12 or 13 years.
Freaking amazing!
I often refer to this particular stroy (never could forget it) & got it rolling again by putting a link in another thread, because it IS so freakin' AMAZING!!
I have referred to BestBlu's story a # of times on TAM when trying to give some insigth into 2 things ... True forgiveness from the heart to another who has wronged them (it is very possible) & worthy if "Love" is still there. His wife showed this, he felt it.
And the very HUMBLE & unselfish Ability of the one cheated on to fully reckognize & understand his or her hand in WHY their spouse fell. I was so intreged by this story, the ONLY way it made ANY SENSE TO ME at all was if BestBlue could acknowleged these things, which he did as I asked about it earlier in this thread. Not that these are excuses by any means, but his wife was deeply hurting too, and he was able to see this & step into her world, it was not all about Righteous Revenge.
I appaud him for that. Most could not do what he did, that just shows what an exemplary human being he is and husband. His wife is very blessed.
I think you have a noble mind as you are able to forgive, a quality that most people, especially men have lost these days.
What interests me most is how you swallow your pride. I understand that forgiving her and fixing the relationship was the best thing to do. However is faith in god enough to fight all the negative thoughts? Seriously, I would have seeked revenge, ways to emotionally hurt her. I am a very peaceful person however my ego would have forced me to punish her.
Swallowing my pride was not easy. As far as seeking revenge, there were days when the anger was so strong, I could feel my heart racing. I would imagine things I wanted to do to him and even planned them out at times.
I think what saved me from doing anything stupid was maybe my age and experience. I have lived long enough to understand that actions bring consequences. When I would picture myself going over to his house to "hurt" him, I would play out the rest of the scenario. I could see the police coming to pick me up. I could picture the hurt that my children would experience because their dad was in jail or in the hospital.
As strong as the emotions were at times, I would always give in to the logical side of my mind. It's the hardest thing to go through because I felt like if I just did something to physically hurt him, I thought I would feel like I was in control.
On the flip side, I never had any desire to hurt my wife, not in a physical way at least. But there were times when I felt like having an affair myself, or just a one night stand, would give me a little more control also. There were times when I really, really, really wanted to do both. But I never did.
Between the feelings of revenge toward the other guy, and having a fling of my own, the hardest one to control was the desire for revenge. I have never in my life wanted to physically hurt someone as much as I did at that time. I even called him up a couple of times and threatened him. It was a stupid thing to do but I felt better at the time. Some people would say (and have said) that it wasn't fair for me to blame him. I don't care what they think. If you knew the whole story, you would feel the same way about that guy. I'm writing our story and maybe some day I will make it available. I go into a lot more details about how he used her and used me to get to her.
I'm rambling now. But the point that I want to make is that I am human. People on this forum have mostly read about our success. Believe me when I tell you that there was a lot of pain and times when I wondered if I would go crazy with hate and pain...seriously.
When I was feeling vengeful thoughts at times, when they were almost overpowering, I would call my pastor friend and tell him what I was thinking of doing and he would help me calm down. He would help me think more long term and things like that. It's good to have someone to talk to.
Best,
I have you beat by one year ha ha
The 13 years of my wifes cheating is way to long to go into, but I just wanted to reply b/c I can't believe I just found your thread after so long since it started and that I'm not the only guy with the cheating W for 12 or 13 years.
Freaking amazing!
And by the way Its been a years since I decided to change things in my marraige by confronting her and we are doing good.
I'm glad to hear that my story is not unique. I believe there are a lot of people like you and me that have similar struggles they have overcome. Thanks for your post. I hope that you continue to make progress in your relationship.
I am putting together a blog with the purpose of trying to help others who really want help. If you get a chance, check it out and post a comment. More couples need to know that there is life after infidelity. You probably have some great ideas to share.
Swallowing my pride was not easy. As far as seeking revenge, there were days when the anger was so strong, I could feel my heart racing. I would imagine things I wanted to do to him and even planned them out at times.
I think what saved me from doing anything stupid was maybe my age and experience. I have lived long enough to understand that actions bring consequences. When I would picture myself going over to his house to "hurt" him, I would play out the rest of the scenario. I could see the police coming to pick me up. I could picture the hurt that my children would experience because their dad was in jail or in the hospital.
As strong as the emotions were at times, I would always give in to the logical side of my mind. It's the hardest thing to go through because I felt like if I just did something to physically hurt him, I thought I would feel like I was in control.
On the flip side, I never had any desire to hurt my wife, not in a physical way at least. But there were times when I felt like having an affair myself, or just a one night stand, would give me a little more control also. There were times when I really, really, really wanted to do both. But I never did.
Between the feelings of revenge toward the other guy, and having a fling of my own, the hardest one to control was the desire for revenge. I have never in my life wanted to physically hurt someone as much as I did at that time. I even called him up a couple of times and threatened him. It was a stupid thing to do but I felt better at the time. Some people would say (and have said) that it wasn't fair for me to blame him. I don't care what they think. If you knew the whole story, you would feel the same way about that guy. I'm writing our story and maybe some day I will make it available. I go into a lot more details about how he used her and used me to get to her.
I'm rambling now. But the point that I want to make is that I am human. People on this forum have mostly read about our success. Believe me when I tell you that there was a lot of pain and times when I wondered if I would go crazy with hate and pain...seriously.
When I was feeling vengeful thoughts at times, when they were almost overpowering, I would call my pastor friend and tell him what I was thinking of doing and he would help me calm down. He would help me think more long term and things like that. It's good to have someone to talk to.
Really amazing how you control yourself.
What do you think would have been the consequences if you had fling of your own?
Really amazing how you control yourself.
What do you think would have been the consequences if you had fling of your own?
First of all, I don't think it is amazing really. What's amazing about doing the right thing?
The consequences of having a fling of my own would have been to despise myself. I would have felt like a scumbag. I would be no different from the guy that I despised who got involved with my wife. It would have been 5 minutes of pleasure traded for a lifetime of regret. Everything I believed about what is right for me up to this point in my life would be meaningless.
And, from what I have come to understand from my wife's experience, after you did it once, it was easier to do it again and again and again. Your conscience would become "seared" and insensitive. Easy answer.
Besides that, I promised my wife that as long as she demonstrated her faithfulness to me, I would not leave her. I won't break my promise and I won't complicate the healing process by adding my own lack of self control to the mix.
OK no one upmanship here however.....26 years married - 20 years of cheating first 2 years with two different short affairs and then 18 years with a "friend". She can't even tell me if my 15 yr old daughter is mine. We are reconciling and things are going very for the same reasons blu mentions - she is committed and remorseful. I am still struggling with what was real in those 20 years and how she could continue for so long other than the kids and my support. I firmly believe there were times when she truly loved me. She chose to run from her problems instead of dealing with them with me. I'm trying hard to move forward and put it all behind me and start a new relationship with a new woman. It's very hard with so much of the last 20 years in question. Still I am committed and so is she. It has only been 2 months since full disclosure (not really full but more than I wanted to know). Trying hard. Congrats blu. I pray it keeps going well. 2 years and still keeping tabs - now I don't feel so bad about doing the same.
First of all, I don't think it is amazing really. What's amazing about doing the right thing?
The consequences of having a fling of my own would have been to despise myself. I would have felt like a scumbag. I would be no different from the guy that I despised who got involved with my wife. It would have been 5 minutes of pleasure traded for a lifetime of regret. Everything I believed about what is right for me up to this point in my life would be meaningless.
And, from what I have come to understand from my wife's experience, after you did it once, it was easier to do it again and again and again. Your conscience would become "seared" and insensitive. Easy answer.
Besides that, I promised my wife that as long as she demonstrated her faithfulness to me, I would not leave her. I won't break my promise and I won't complicate the healing process by adding my own lack of self control to the mix.
Let me rephrase my question: Would your wife forgive you, if you had an affair?
Besides, she made some promises when she married you, didn't she?
If I may step in here, In my case my wife already believed I stepped out side the marriage. Even though I didn't at the very least I broke my promise to love and charish witch she forgave me for.
So indirectly she has fogiven me for the cheating I didn't do plus the broken promise, so I figure I ow her one.
I pushed her once when we were kids she forgave me,so I quess I ow her two.
I'm not sure what you mean by your question, "you've forgiven and that's it?".
If you mean are you just going on with life as usual? Of course not. For 6 weeks all we did was talk. No tv, no movies no time apart except when I was at work. Absolutely no time apart other than my job. It's all we knew to do at the time. I didn't want to be anywhere else and niether did she. She does not work outside the home. From the very first day after she told me about the affair, every day that I was at work, she would call me when she left the house for any reason and call me again when she returned. That was her idea before I thought of it. She still does it today.
I have full access to her cell phone bill, email account and she told me she feels more secure knowing that I WANT to keep tabs on her. She has always had access to mine but then, there has never been any reason or suspicions on her part to check up on me.
The thing that makes this accountability work is that most of it has been her idea and she gives me absolutely no resistance. It is part of our plan to rebuild our marriage and not just my plan .
What am I doing to meet her needs that I wasn't doing before. Everything. For some reason, I almost immediately knew what I had to do. I can't explain it except to say, deep down I knew what I was with holding from her...and my new mission in life?...Make sure she never has to go outside our home to get what she needs.
The night she confessed everything to me, I thought we could never have sex again...I even said that to her. But after I forgave her, I knew I had to start immediately to get that part of our life back. So..the very next night we made love and went for about 65 or 66 days straight. Skipped a day and then started again. Not trying to break any records. Just a new attitude and reorganized priorities on my part. I had almost lost the most important part of my life and I was not about to let that happen because of anything that I was unwilling to change.
I began talking to her while we made love. Telling her how much I love her and how I was feeling and well, I don't need to get to descriptive except to say that our love life changed radically and it was something she had always wanted but I had been too uncomfortable to do. It is still that way today. Honestly, I was about a once a week guy before. Too busy chasing success. Worn out at the end of the day. What a waste of life.
Also, she almost immediately began counseling with an incredibly brilliant lady (professional Christian counselor recommended by someone else). She went once a week for about 10 weeks. We scheduled the sessions on my days off so I could go with her. I would drop her off and go to the drug store and buy her nice card and meet her with the card when she came out of the counseling session. Then we would go have lunch and talk about it.
Of course I got counseling also, but I was meeting with another counselor. I wanted her to have her own private sessions with a female counselor so she didn't feel like she had to hold anything back because of me being there. The counseling helped her tremendously which in turn helped me.
Other things I am doing that I didn't do before: Clean up after myself. Voluntarily do the dishes and pick up the house. I give her a massage after we make love once or twice a week. The thing is I enjoy doing these things now. It's kinda wierd.
This post is really getting long. Once I get started, all of these thoughts start coming to me and I don't want to leave anything out because I feel like if I don't tell the whole story, someone will think that I'm not being real or whatever and that I must be naive to think that we could possibly have things together already. Trust me when I say, it is still very hard sometimes. The images that come into my mind were overwhelming and overpowered me mentally for a time.
I eventually learned to recognize those thoughts as "my enemies". The thoughts will try to destroy you. The thoughts will try to get you to hate, to curse and even to kill. I am now much quicker to recognize when my mind is going in the wrong direction and I am able take control of my thoughts back...most of the time anyway.
There is so much more to say about what has helped me, us deal with this. I will be happy to talk about it in more detail if anyone wants to know.
I could really use your help. Contact me I need to get over this!!!!! I want to or at least I think or hope I do.
I have read every word in this thread and find it fascinating. Bestblu1 is an incredible man for sticking this out with his wife. Please do not forget that his wife had to make changes as well and should be revered for her continued efforts. Mrs Bestblu1, to you I say keep it up! Not only is your husband amazing, but you are as well. Both Bestblu1 and his wife were doing things to each other that were not helpful towards the progress of their relationship. I think the affair was a huge wake-up call to both of them and helped them gain a better perspective of what they really wanted.
What Bestblu1 has tried to do is to inspire others to believe that there is life after an affair. Hope, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, faith, patience, determination, hard work, compassion, and charity were needed by BOTH Bestblu1 and Mrs. Bestblu1. In the midst of a relationship disaster, these qualities could only come from God. BOTH turned to God and placed their lives and this situation in His hands.
Fear, anger, despair, jealousy, and vengeance do not come from God. One of the principles that should be understood here is that God should be an active part of every one's marriage for with God, nothing is impossible (even overcoming an affair).
Marriage is long hard work. Nobody is perfect. She may have had physical affairs, but there are also many mental affairs that go on too. They are both equal and wrong because they take away from our partner. I am guilty of the mental, as well as my husband. Our society would love to make another statistic out of your family. Hold strong. All marriages go ups and downs, valleys and peaks. Choose to write your legacy for yor wonderful family. The world needs hope.!
Fear, anger, despair, jealousy, and vengeance do not come from God. One of the principles that should be understood here is that God should be an active part of every one's marriage for with God, nothing is impossible (even overcoming an affair).
I used to have unconditional trust in God, but he flaked on me a couple of times. Now I keep him on a pretty short leash, I tell you. If he wants to go out, he calls and asks me.
Thumbs up!
It's really refreshing to hear stories like yours. Refreshing, because I read more stories of hopelessness than HOPE in forums like this. I HOPE everything works out. Forgiveness may not give you amnesia, but it can surely help fade scars. Keep it up!
I felt a very strong sense of compassion for her....
She tried to push me away saying "no, no, you can't...I've been so horrible, no, no" and a bunch of other stuff like that.
Hi,
This is my first post here and its kind of bizzare that this is one of the first posts I read.
What I quoted above sounds a lot like something that happened with us on the night I found out about my husbands affair. This was 3 years ago and I am still struggling to forgive him.
Thankfully he is doing all he can to save our marriage, still, I am paranoid and suffering with anxiety - THREE years after the affair
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Re: How We overcame adultery 
