Long Term Success in MarriageIf you've been married 10+ years and consider your marriage a success, post your success story here. Help others by talking about what works for you.
Rough physical interaction and its impact on arousal levels is not something to "analyze". You do it once or twice and see how your body reacts.
I understand why your 21st century brain is telling you this is offensive. I will also tell you that every woman I have been with gets turned on by being physically overpowered. Some like the playful tone, some a bit more serious and some like a truly rough borderline mean tone. I like playful the best - but am willing to role play as needed. This is a 100 percent hit rate - the wrestling to overpower. As for spanking - IF - you do this when a pre-menopausal woman is mid-cycle you have way more than a 50 percent chance of it turning her on. WAY MORE. Mid cycle, hormones cause women want a rougher more dominant male interaction style.
If you choose to look at being spanked as the guy is doing something degrading to you - your loss. This is no different than the guys who feel it is degrading their wives always want the men to initiate and the wives are pretty relaxed about rejecting their mens advances. Good sex is a HIGH INTENSITY experience. The rejection is usually not a mean spirited thing and the spanking is NOT mean spirited unless the guy is a head case - it is just one more ratchet higher in the dominance spectrum.
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Originally Posted by BellaOnlineMarriageEditor
I have to say I disagree with the spanking issue. I would be shocked to say the least!
I have to agree with Alexandra and gobroncos6....the thought of being spanked does not do anything for me either.
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Originally Posted by BellaOnlineMarriageEditor
I have to say I disagree with the spanking issue. I would be shocked to say the least!
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Originally Posted by MEM11363
Rough physical interaction and its impact on arousal levels is not something to "analyze". You do it once or twice and see how your body reacts.
Exactly what MEM11363 has said, basically not to knock it before you try it.
Again notice what I have said in the point of spanking, I had no idea and was going against how I was raised to never hit a woman.
But in this way, in sexual attraction and in a form of discipline and yes, the physical display of dominance, to take these first steps it was like the new world opening to see in reaction of the woman.
The first time I took this spanking to action, to see and experience sexual reactions in these "primal" sense, spanking for starters maybe, and maybe leading to other forms of physical display, know that it really does not do it justice to write or even speak much about it, only to experience it.
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Originally Posted by MEM11363
I understand why your 21st century brain is telling you this is offensive. I will also tell you that every woman I have been with gets turned on by being physically overpowered.
So it is exactly this, to the point of this thread, to never under estimate in sexual attraction the difference between action and words.
Sexual attraction is behavior and feeling and emotion MUCH older than words or language in us as human beings.
Also it is good to say, and I am sure MEM11363 is agreeing, there is nothing to say in these things that is non consensual between the man and woman.
I will confess, in the private places as I am a man with my woman, that I have taken the courage to behave and push myself to this type of physical sexual assertiveness, to give the specific details would not be beneficial, and perhaps even distracting to this topic, but simply to say to use pinning and wrestling and bondage and overpowering to the effect of I was often thinking I would go to jail very easily for such things if it was truly non consensual.
But know in my relationship, there is always the "safe word" that is always honored, and so unless to hear that it is to continue to be surprised at how far these boundries have been pushed!!!
And know this also, this is nothing I have sprung upon my woman out of the blue, for understand that it was over time her own hints and suggestions and fantasies, of boundage, or to be spanked, or to be held down, or to be ravished. And in hearing these clues, so I pursued the behavior, and was very much rewarded for it.
Quote:
Originally Posted by MEM11363
Some like the playful tone, some a bit more serious and some like a truly rough borderline mean tone. I like playful the best - but am willing to role play as needed. This is a 100 percent hit rate - the wrestling to overpower. As for spanking - IF - you do this when a pre-menopausal woman is mid-cycle you have way more than a 50 percent chance of it turning her on. WAY MORE. Mid cycle, hormones cause women want a rougher more dominant male interaction style.
If you choose to look at being spanked as the guy is doing something degrading to you - your loss. This is no different than the guys who feel it is degrading their wives always want the men to initiate and the wives are pretty relaxed about rejecting their mens advances. Good sex is a HIGH INTENSITY experience. The rejection is usually not a mean spirited thing and the spanking is NOT mean spirited unless the guy is a head case - it is just one more ratchet higher in the dominance spectrum.
It is not uncommon for a woman to share in words that she does not understand why she is getting so physically sexually turned on by some of these behaviors, and instead she should maybe be somewhat offended or nervous. But the effect is very real and to see a woman "unleashed" there is nothing else like it!
So it is true to not let the mind thinking "degrading" when the body is maybe feeling something much different.
We have a safe word to. She has NEVER once used it.
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Originally Posted by BigBadWolf
Exactly what MEM11363 has said, basically not to knock it before you try it.
Again notice what I have said in the point of spanking, I had no idea and was going against how I was raised to never hit a woman.
But in this way, in sexual attraction and in a form of discipline and yes, the physical display of dominance, to take these first steps it was like the new world opening to see in reaction of the woman.
The first time I took this spanking to action, to see and experience sexual reactions in these "primal" sense, spanking for starters maybe, and maybe leading to other forms of physical display, know that it really does not do it justice to write or even speak much about it, only to experience it.
So it is exactly this, to the point of this thread, to never under estimate in sexual attraction the difference between action and words.
Sexual attraction is behavior and feeling and emotion MUCH older than words or language in us as human beings.
Also it is good to say, and I am sure MEM11363 is agreeing, there is nothing to say in these things that is non consensual between the man and woman.
I will confess, in the private places as I am a man with my woman, that I have taken the courage to behave and push myself to this type of physical sexual assertiveness, to give the specific details would not be beneficial, and perhaps even distracting to this topic, but simply to say to use pinning and wrestling and bondage and overpowering to the effect of I was often thinking I would go to jail very easily for such things if it was truly non consensual.
But know in my relationship, there is always the "safe word" that is always honored, and so unless to hear that it is to continue to be surprised at how far these boundries have been pushed!!!
And know this also, this is nothing I have sprung upon my woman out of the blue, for understand that it was over time her own hints and suggestions and fantasies, of boundage, or to be spanked, or to be held down, or to be ravished. And in hearing these clues, so I pursued the behavior, and was very much rewarded for it.
It is not uncommon for a woman to share in words that she does not understand why she is getting so physically sexually turned on by some of these behaviors, and instead she should maybe be somewhat offended or nervous. But the effect is very real and to see a woman "unleashed" there is nothing else like it!
So it is true to not let the mind thinking "degrading" when the body is maybe feeling something much different.
Hi all,
Before I forget I want to comment on the spanking thing: for me, I think it's great fun to be spanked by my husband however, I must feel an emotional connection to him or else it would be humiliating to me, an emotion I do not enjoy. There are a tremendous amount of quirky, kinky and crazy things that couples can (and should) do together in the bedroom (and every other place they can find) but love and respect must be present in my opinion for it to be a healthy, truly enjoyable experience.
That being said, so much of what has been posted in this thread rings true of my marriage. Though there are many issues, fundamentally, I believed my husband no longer loved me and he believed I no longer wanted him. See, like many women in order for me to make love I have to feel connected, and like many men, for my husband to want to connect with me he needed sex to feel loved and respected.
Neither one of us were wrong, we were actually both right, we were just not accurate. The truth was that he did love me but I didn't feel loved because the things I needed most from him to feel that he loved me were the things he withheld because he felt I didn't want him. Comparatively, he felt rejected by me but it was never my intention to reject him, I wanted him very much, I just felt hurt by his lack of affection.
Once we identified these truths and communicated lovingly and respectfully and forgave one another for the past hurts, we were able to reconnect and we renewed our commitment to our marriage and to one another. Subsequently we each identified what we needed most from the other to "feel" the love we had for one another. (I needed more affection and quality time with him and he needed more respect, appreciation and physical closeness from me).
As a psych major I have realized a couple things that have brought my husband and I much peace and relief; As humans we frequently think the other person means what we interpret it to be, or our perception of what they mean. Our perception can sometimes trick us into believing something that is really more about what we think and feel rather than the other person.
What can we do? Much!!! I invited my husband to start with me on a journey of getting reacquainted with ourselves individually, a journey of personal growth. Socrates said, "The unexamined life is not worth living". I would modify that by saying "the unexamined life is probably not one in which you will have a happy relationship; especially when your spouse is growing and you are not". Someone wise once said that a relationship can only be as healthy as the least healthy person in it, I forget who that was but I agree!
What we did? First: As stated, it is important to work on knowing ourselves and what we really want from our spouse(we can't ask for what we do not identify); Second: improve communication skills(we must be loving and respectful to one another, no one wants to listen if they feel they are being attacked or patronized); Third: be honest with our level of commitment to our marriage and our partner. I think the only thing worse than hearing a spouse no long loves us is being with a non-loving spouse who says they do love you but refuses to love you the way you want to be loved.
My husband and I were caught in a vicious and painful cycle of circular reasoning that rendered us both becoming unfaithful, hurting one another very badly, separating on and off for many years, causing pain to our children and both of us feeling many times like we wanted to divorce, or just plain kill one another or ourselves. My marriage today is the happiest it has ever been; though we still have issues we work on and days we get disconnected, we are more in love than at any other time of our 32 years together.
Peace and many blessings,
~psycheee (that's psycheee as in psyche(the mind), not psychic as in fortune teller,lol).
WOW. If we were talking about this in person I'd buy you a drink. The wife and I celebrated our first anniversary last week. While learning the ropes of this marriage stuff I can say that I began learning a few of the things you listed. So to see it laid out by a man whose been there and done that it definitely reinforces what I've picked up, while also opening my eyes to a few more things.
I especially like #4, because it puts the onus on the man to keep things in order by being proactive about sex and his emotional well-being (and the emotional well-being of the relationship) instead of reactive. When I first started figuring a few things out the strategic parts became fun to me and I felt like I was coming into my own. This post gave me a few more tools to incorporate to put me well ahead of the game.
Being married is no joke but can be sweet when you own it and put in the work to make it flourish. My hat goes off to all of you seasoned married guys who have this stuff down to a science. As a young pup it makes me look forward to the future stages of married life
Bigbadwolf, thanks for that post. Great to see a strong, intelligent man COMMIT to his wife and stand strong.
She is a lucky woman and you are a lucky man. Damn straight you shouldn't waste your time having affairs when you are so fulfilled by your wife - and in turn fulfill her so much.
Great thread! Enjoyed ready all the posts. I'm a "secong-time lucky" guy married to an awesome woman with a new child.
Have to agree with everything in the original (BigBadWolf) posting...excepy my wife never wants to be spanked...and it's not been a feature of our intimacy until recently. I played with it in the very beginning (as previous GF's had loved it) but she wasn't into it at all.
However, within the last 12 months something interesting has happened... she spanks me! And not in a playful way either, although our sexlife has defo gotten more passionate since.
The first time she did it was after one of those multi-day never-ending arguments where you fling sh*t at each other over and over again. She hot the roof after one comment I made and ordered me to bare my butt and hand her my belt. WOW! Did she ever whop me good! It saved a vacation and stopped the argument...and the scolding she gave me during it really got through and nade me see what an a**hole I was being.
It had a great eefect although I was very confused about it all afterwards. We even looked in the whole femdom thing afterwards and neither of us were interested. She has spanked me again recently for a variety of reasons (again for my own good) and says it's not that she wishes to dominate me, or wants me to be "submissive"...far from it, she likes that I am a leader and string-willed etc... but that I sometimes get so involved in things I cannot see the wood for the trees and need reining in and refocusing. She says it's rather like a queen and her strong knight... which I kinda like!
So, there can be a twist on the origins of this thread...
I have certainly read a multitude of threads here where in my opinion if the woman who is being wronged (usually by a lazy-a** loser who wants to sponge of her and thinks he can treat her like cr*p just because she is a "weak" woman) took the initiative to crack the belt over their butts then they'd see an immediate (and potentially grateful) change in their men.
she is priety much hot and fulfill my needs at the beed...
I am a leader and string-willed etc... but that I sometimes get so involved in things I cannot see the wood for the trees and need reining in and refocusing. She says it's rather like a queen and her strong knight... which I kinda like!
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My husband and I have been married for 23 years. The last three has been aweful. He never really cared for sex and 90% of the time I inistiated it. Except for the one time when I was recovering from a messy, painful childbirth, Ive never turned him away... But he has said "No" to me so many times that it is not even worth asking anymore.
I will not have an affair but I think he is having one... He is a preacher.
If he ever hits me, spank or slap..etc. I will kill him. Not joking, honestly.
Hi I have a few problems that need ironing out in my marriage.
To Bigbadwolf any chance you can get your wife to give her view of how the marriage works,what she likes about the marriage etc
I agree with a lot of what you say here. Except for the spanking. I don't really get that and not all women like that just so you know. I don't.
I do however find my alpha male husband incredibly sexy. He does a lot of the same things. I like that he's the man. I've been in two prior relationships and both men were easily controlled and I dismissed them as weak. They were not able to keep my attention. My H, now that's another story completely. Who knows what he's going to do most of the time. I rarely turn him down and when I do, it doesn't really matter because he continues on. He doesn't beg, he just goes for it. He can get me interested anytime he wants. He also is very physical with me, touches me, kisses me, grabs me, etc. He feigns indifference at times too. He creates the distance one person wrote about. I wonder if he does that on purpose too. hmmmmm
He's dirty, sexual, and aggressive. It's hot. He talks dirty to me, says inappropriate things at inappropriate times.
But, on the flipside, being paired with an "alpha male" isn't easy. Other women are always throwing themselves at my H because they find his arrogance, dominance, control and indifference hot too. I'm not going to lie. It sucks sometimes.
I agree with a lot of what you say here. Except for the spanking. I don't really get that and not all women like that just so you know. I don't.
I do however find my alpha male husband incredibly sexy. He does a lot of the same things. I like that he's the man. I've been in two prior relationships and both men were easily controlled and I dismissed them as weak. They were not able to keep my attention. My H, now that's another story completely. Who knows what he's going to do most of the time. I rarely turn him down and when I do, it doesn't really matter because he continues on. He doesn't beg, he just goes for it. He can get me interested anytime he wants. He also is very physical with me, touches me, kisses me, grabs me, etc. He feigns indifference at times too. He creates the distance one person wrote about. I wonder if he does that on purpose too. hmmmmm
He's dirty, sexual, and aggressive. It's hot. He talks dirty to me, says inappropriate things at inappropriate times.
But, on the flipside, being paired with an "alpha male" isn't easy. Other women are always throwing themselves at my H because they find his arrogance, dominance, control and indifference hot too. I'm not going to lie. It sucks sometimes.
there are hundreds of posts from other women on here that would find your husbands actions repulsive. y'all are so confusing
I agree with a lot of what you say here. Except for the spanking. I don't really get that and not all women like that just so you know. I don't.
I do however find my alpha male husband incredibly sexy. He does a lot of the same things. I like that he's the man. I've been in two prior relationships and both men were easily controlled and I dismissed them as weak. They were not able to keep my attention. My H, now that's another story completely. Who knows what he's going to do most of the time. I rarely turn him down and when I do, it doesn't really matter because he continues on. He doesn't beg, he just goes for it. He can get me interested anytime he wants. He also is very physical with me, touches me, kisses me, grabs me, etc. He feigns indifference at times too. He creates the distance one person wrote about. I wonder if he does that on purpose too. hmmmmm
Exactly!
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He's dirty, sexual, and aggressive. It's hot. He talks dirty to me, says inappropriate things at inappropriate times.
Inappropriate, that is a word often I hear from my wife concerning some behavior of mine. And you and I know, but perhaps many reading this do not, that usually when I am "inappropriate" I am doing somethign in which I will soon be rewarded.
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But, on the flipside, being paired with an "alpha male" isn't easy. Other women are always throwing themselves at my H because they find his arrogance, dominance, control and indifference hot too. I'm not going to lie. It sucks sometimes.
If there is trust then this is not the problem. I know that as a beautiful woman my wife gets much attention (especially if she is out together with my teen daughter, as so much at first they can be confused as blonde/ blue eyed sisters), and would EASILY have another man of her choice if she choosed.
So it keeps me on my game very much as well, to know in my attitude I project that she should thank her stars that I am desiring her above other women, and I let her know every now and then she needs to "keep in line".
To see her reaction to such comments and attitude is priceless, but know it is lighting her fire, letting her know she is very much a woman and her feminine charms are exciting and desirable.
And yes, my attitude is just as attractive to other women as well, so I am in no way going to deliberately open the door for some temptation to creep in, knowing the end results are disaster waiting to happen!
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