Long Term Success in MarriageIf you've been married 10+ years and consider your marriage a success, post your success story here. Help others by talking about what works for you.
I wrote this in response to another question about what I wished I had known from the beginning of marriage, but it may generate interest here also...
I've been married for over 20 years, with 3 kids. I would describe myself as extremely happy. Here's some of the things I wished I'd known from the very beginning:
1. Sex is the number one crucial gateway to a man's emotional well being and the absolute center to an emotional connection to his wife. Unfortunately due to political correctness or whatever, sex today tends to be viewed as "dirty" or "bad" and, more often than not, ends up being nothing more than a carrot dangled by the wife as a reward or punishment to control a husband's behavior. When this happens, you get 99 percent of the problems you find on forums such as these. A husband gets resentful and withdraws to sports, hobbies, work, ANYTHING but his wife. And guess what, the wife resents this behavior, witholds sex, turns to friends, daytime television, food, ANYTHING to try to make herself feel better about her husband's rejection.
2. In an intimate relationship, especially behind closed doors, stereotypes are true. A man needs to be a man - to guide and be a leader, a woman needs to be a woman - she needs to feel protected and adored. A man's tendency, especially in these modern times, is to treat his wife like a business partner or fishing buddy. This is a good way to invite resentment and affairs into any marriage, no matter how strong or perfect it may look like on the outside.
3. Many women like to be spanked. I'm serious, and I wish this was stated on every marriage license issued. As a man this goes against so much of what I thought I knew about how to treat a woman, but it's a darn good way to make number 2 a powerful and fun part of marriage and sex. Near as I can figure, it's like women have, at their core, the opposite of a man's ego, something inside them that tells them they are "bad", or "ugly", or "worthless." My wife tells me she loves being spanked, especially if she is acting "overwhelmed" or overly "emotional", and afterwards she feels both emotionally refreshed and intensely sexually charged, and I get the benefits of both. I swear I'm not making this up.
4. One of the best things a man can do is take charge of the relationship sexually. In my marriage, we have a "100 percent policy", which simply states I get what I want when I want it. What does this do? It makes me RESPONSIBLE to make sure the emotional connection between my wife and I is ALWAYS strong (see number 1), it allows our entire existence to be "foreplay", as both my wife and myself seem to be always somewhat "turned on" by each other. She is sexually charged by the "dominance" that I have, and I am emotionally connected to her every glance, word, or movement. There is no downward spiral of "rejection" that comes from a wimpy man having to beg an insecure wife to please consider intercourse. Our sex is passionate, primal, exploratory, and spontaneous (did I mention we've been married over 20 years?). I don't waste my time watching sports, having affairs, or wishing I was dead, while my wife nags and complains that I never pay attention to her. My days with my wife are spent flirting with her, our shopping trips usually involve me picking out something nice for her to wear, and at my career I can be absolutely confident and focused, and I can say without reservation I absolutely love an adore my wife 24/7.
I agree ALOT with this as it goes hand in hand with what I have read and learned over the years.
See I used to be labeled a "Good Boy" in School.I still am to the extent that I do not cheat or beat my wife.However I am a sexual animal with her and always try knew things.
I think when I was dating different girls,being labeled a "good boy" actually made something snap in me.It was as if I knew subconsciously that women needed this domination.But it took years to finally get a clue about it.
Now I am a "Good but Bad Boy" with my wife.Although when we were dating she has admitted that I was a "Bad Boy".
One key point I want to add to your statements above is that ALL women love Bad Boys,this is FACT,but the other point with this is that all women tend to want to reform/save/convert this Bad Boy to be true and faithful to only one woman.This is why women tend to hurt themselves with Bad Boys,they think he will change.In fact some Bad Boys do change,but they change because of true love or growing up and realizing they need a steady relationship.Ever heard a woman say "I love him so much,even though he is not good for me"?
The problem I have,as I am sure most people that read this would agree,is that Bad Boys that learn this above information coupled with knowing how to find a woman's hot buttons is a "player" or "man hoe".Using this information to better ones relationship with his wife is wonderful and I am sure it will work most of the time.However if a single guy was to read this it could cause harm in that he would be promiscuous and destroy alot of women.
I will be honest and say that if I knew and understood these things 15 years ago,I would have had a list of girls/women a mile long.I thank God I was blind because I truly would have hated this,because I cannot stand to see a woman cry and I would surely have caused alot of it.
***Edit-While My wife agrees she likes the occasional love pat on the bottom,she has stated it makes her mad to be spanked.I think this may vary from woman to woman.Now I will agree that the occasional smack on the bottom during sex is erotic and on occasion she has had a Orgasm with the little smack.She has stated implicitly she does not like it and it ticks her off.Maybe it is a timing issue?I do know that I have pulled her hair and while making love and she has came really hard. This is in essence the same thing,a show of domination.
I agree with what these men have said - as I had seen this in my husband. He is a bad boy and I truly like the dominance. I just wish I could figure out how to keep him in my life and happy with me now. I know that sex was an issue previously (I fell into the "rut" and took our relationship for granit). Although we are currently separated (but still living in same home), I find him so desirable now and want to have sex with him everytime I see him. We sometimes flirt and it drives me crazy! Maybe it's because it is forbidden fruit (since we are separate)? I don't know, but I don't know why I couldn't feel this way when we were together.
I agree with BigBadWolf... He didn't used to beg or ask for sex, he would just demand it or take it and I like that.
1. Sex is the number one crucial gateway to a man's emotional well being and the absolute center to an emotional connection to his wife. Unfortunately due to political correctness or whatever, sex today tends to be viewed as "dirty" or "bad" and, more often than not, ends up being nothing more than a carrot dangled by the wife as a reward or punishment to control a husband's behavior. When this happens, you get 99 percent of the problems you find on forums such as these. A husband gets resentful and withdraws to sports, hobbies, work, ANYTHING but his wife. And guess what, the wife resents this behavior, witholds sex, turns to friends, daytime television, food, ANYTHING to try to make herself feel better about her husband's rejection.
I agree with this statement 100%. My wife long ago became a mother to my children and ceased being a wife to me. I have become very resentful about "begging for sex", and it has poisoned the very well springs of our marriage.
Ironically, I also did retreat into a hobby/sport to fill the void. I took up martial arts years ago to "channel aggression". In response to my pawn to E4 move, my wife indeed took up both daytime television and turned to friends. This served to further widen the gulf between us.
In my estimation, I never rejected her. I would routinely approach her for sex, but she would be too tired, or worse consent but basically roll over and lay there. After a decade or so of this I just began to plan my exit strategy.
2. In an intimate relationship, especially behind closed doors, stereotypes are true. A man needs to be a man - to guide and be a leader, a woman needs to be a woman - she needs to feel protected and adored. A man's tendency, especially in these modern times, is to treat his wife like a business partner or fishing buddy. This is a good way to invite resentment and affairs into any marriage, no matter how strong or perfect it may look like on the outside.
I have tried to "make my wife my partner". I honestly thought that's what I was friggin supposed to do. I agree, it has lead to resentment, especially on my part because she doesn't seem to "step up". I feel I carry an inordinant amount of the load, and in essence she's little more than a parasite. Not exactly the most fertile ground for love/romance to bloom.
I just don't know where to go with my relationship at this point. I have been pressing hard towards divorce as she doesn't seem to want to compromise at all. I agree she feels completely insecure with me as I have repeatedly sent the message "you're not up to speed". This message has indeed lead to a further reduction in sex between us, actually exacerbating the original problem.
I honestly don't believe in unconditional love. There are certain deal breakers: cheating, substance abuse, and physical abuse. In my humble opinion withholding sex is a form of physical abuse.
I can hear the dissenters running towards me now shouting "but nobody's ever died or been sent to the E.R. from a lack of sex".
This may be technically true, but the medical literature is full of tremendous evidence that sex is important for everything from immune function to mental health. Furthermore, as someone who has trained for years in the fighting arts, I guartantee if I was so inclined, I could beat the bejesus out of someone if I desired, without leaving much in the way of physical evidence. Just because I'm not bleeding do not think for a moment I haven't been hurt. Sometimes the worst scars to bear are the ones on the inside.
That being said, I just don't know where to go from here. I have no emotional connection to my wife because I have no physical connection to her. It's that old, you need experience to get a job, but how can you get experience without a job thing.
Reconciliation seems to be off the table, leaving only separation and divorce in my estimation. Have I missed anything? LIL
1. Sex is the number one crucial gateway to a man's emotional well being and the absolute center to an emotional connection to his wife. Unfortunately due to political correctness or whatever, sex today tends to be viewed as "dirty" or "bad" and, more often than not, ends up being nothing more than a carrot dangled by the wife as a reward or punishment to control a husband's behavior. When this happens, you get 99 percent of the problems you find on forums such as these. A husband gets resentful and withdraws to sports, hobbies, work, ANYTHING but his wife. And guess what, the wife resents this behavior, witholds sex, turns to friends, daytime television, food, ANYTHING to try to make herself feel better about her husband's rejection.
I agree with this statement 100%. My wife long ago became a mother to my children and ceased being a wife to me. I have become very resentful about "begging for sex", and it has poisoned the very well springs of our marriage.
Ironically, I also did retreat into a hobby/sport to fill the void. I took up martial arts years ago to "channel aggression". In response to my pawn to E4 move, my wife indeed took up both daytime television and turned to friends. This served to further widen the gulf between us.
In my estimation, I never rejected her. I would routinely approach her for sex, but she would be too tired, or worse consent but basically roll over and lay there. After a decade or so of this I just began to plan my exit strategy.
2. In an intimate relationship, especially behind closed doors, stereotypes are true. A man needs to be a man - to guide and be a leader, a woman needs to be a woman - she needs to feel protected and adored. A man's tendency, especially in these modern times, is to treat his wife like a business partner or fishing buddy. This is a good way to invite resentment and affairs into any marriage, no matter how strong or perfect it may look like on the outside.
I have tried to "make my wife my partner". I honestly thought that's what I was friggin supposed to do. I agree, it has lead to resentment, especially on my part because she doesn't seem to "step up". I feel I carry an inordinant amount of the load, and in essence she's little more than a parasite. Not exactly the most fertile ground for love/romance to bloom.
I just don't know where to go with my relationship at this point. I have been pressing hard towards divorce as she doesn't seem to want to compromise at all. I agree she feels completely insecure with me as I have repeatedly sent the message "you're not up to speed". This message has indeed lead to a further reduction in sex between us, actually exacerbating the original problem.
I honestly don't believe in unconditional love. There are certain deal breakers: cheating, substance abuse, and physical abuse. In my humble opinion withholding sex is a form of physical abuse.
I can hear the dissenters running towards me now shouting "but nobody's ever died or been sent to the E.R. from a lack of sex".
This may be technically true, but the medical literature is full of tremendous evidence that sex is important for everything from immune function to mental health. Furthermore, as someone who has trained for years in the fighting arts, I guartantee if I was so inclined, I could beat the bejesus out of someone if I desired, without leaving much in the way of physical evidence. Just because I'm not bleeding do not think for a moment I haven't been hurt. Sometimes the worst scars to bear are the ones on the inside.
That being said, I just don't know where to go from here. I have no emotional connection to my wife because I have no physical connection to her. It's that old, you need experience to get a job, but how can you get experience without a job thing.
Reconciliation seems to be off the table, leaving only separation and divorce in my estimation. Have I missed anything? LIL
wow, all i can say is well said, i am right there with ya
I am trying to notice what things I have done over the years, myabe that are not too common, but that are working very effectively in my marriage.
I will include these from time to time as they may be helpful to others.
For this post, wanting to share that actions speak louder than words. Here is what I do.
Limiting the number of time I say "I love you". Instead of saying this constantly, maybe a few times a day at most, but always at least once, instead I try to bite my tongue, and instead DO SOMETHING instead to show how I feel to my wife.
For example, to see her walk into the room, or I walk into a room that she is in, instead of just the usual saying "I love you", instead I will stop what I am doing to acknowledge her, wink at her, give her a look "up and down", swat her behind, etc. The point is, something physical, but regardless to always do someting to show the "love", and especially the privelege of the relationship with her is acknowledged.
Also when my wife tells me "I love you", I do not always just repeat and respond, as if this is a habit. Instead sometimes I will just nod my head in agreement (this is provocative to her and will usually make her playfully aggressive with me), or simply wink at her, or sometimes even say something also throwing her a "curve ball" like "You'd better love me girl".
The point is, to avoid just repeating the words and letting them lose their luster, instead to do and show in these other ways. Also the times I do say "I love you" my wife is noticing and knowing it is special and not just spoken out of habit.
Also listening is important, but even to notice if she is mentioning something, to make sure I find ways to DO SOMETHING acknowledging this.
For example, my wife mentioned some time in the past during a casual conversation that she is wanting to try this new product. So last week I am at the store and I purchase this product for her, and she is amazed that I am not only listening, but ACTING on what she is saying, even in something so small is a big opportunity for communication.
These are just some things to show that the action speaks louder than words, and maybe are helpful to others.
Limiting the amount of times I say "I love you".
I ABSOLUTELY DO THE EXACT SAME THING. AND BELIEVE THIS IS PART OF THE REASON WIFE IS SO CRAZY ABOUT ME.
OVER LOVING someone is a certain train wreck. You cannot value something that is in over supply.
And yes this means I bite my tongue/exert some self control to keep a little more emotional space between us then there would be otherwise. This is not a GAME it is a STRATEGY. It is part of keeping the passion high in a LTR.
As for doing loving things - YES - over time women love men of action more then men of words.
But I make sure there is enough space between us - to let her come to me. When she does I respond. So she is not insecure. But I am not all over her all the time. No one likes that.
Quote:
Originally Posted by BigBadWolf
I am trying to notice what things I have done over the years, myabe that are not too common, but that are working very effectively in my marriage.
I will include these from time to time as they may be helpful to others.
For this post, wanting to share that actions speak louder than words. Here is what I do.
Limiting the number of time I say "I love you". Instead of saying this constantly, maybe a few times a day at most, but always at least once, instead I try to bite my tongue, and instead DO SOMETHING instead to show how I feel to my wife.
For example, to see her walk into the room, or I walk into a room that she is in, instead of just the usual saying "I love you", instead I will stop what I am doing to acknowledge her, wink at her, give her a look "up and down", swat her behind, etc. The point is, something physical, but regardless to always do someting to show the "love", and especially the privelege of the relationship with her is acknowledged.
Also when my wife tells me "I love you", I do not always just repeat and respond, as if this is a habit. Instead sometimes I will just nod my head in agreement (this is provocative to her and will usually make her playfully aggressive with me), or simply wink at her, or sometimes even say something also throwing her a "curve ball" like "You'd better love me girl".
The point is, to avoid just repeating the words and letting them lose their luster, instead to do and show in these other ways. Also the times I do say "I love you" my wife is noticing and knowing it is special and not just spoken out of habit.
Also listening is important, but even to notice if she is mentioning something, to make sure I find ways to DO SOMETHING acknowledging this.
For example, my wife mentioned some time in the past during a casual conversation that she is wanting to try this new product. So last week I am at the store and I purchase this product for her, and she is amazed that I am not only listening, but ACTING on what she is saying, even in something so small is a big opportunity for communication.
These are just some things to show that the action speaks louder than words, and maybe are helpful to others.
I noticed this goes for sex too. I get amazing results when I just act on it instead of detailing what I want before hand. Actually, when I explain the sexual acts....it seems to turn my dates off and I get nothing.
Women HATE awkward conversations about sex and sexual acts. You start touching them in a sexual way and they either push you away or you are golden.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Andre2000
I noticed this goes for sex too. I get amazing results when I just act on it instead of detailing what I want before hand. Actually, when I explain the sexual acts....it seems to turn my dates off and I get nothing.
Women HATE awkward conversations about sex and sexual acts. You start touching them in a sexual way and they either push you away or you are golden.
Lol i have a funny story about this very thing.
I was dating this girl from the south. I thought we just were incompatible due to culture differences because she was always pushing me away and saying "no" or "stop" to me which was a real turn off, but she'd always call me the next day. One day I asked her if she was attracted to me, she said yes. I told her she confuses me.
Well one day, when told me to "stop", I did. Then I moved over and sat across the room. She straddled me and I played with her until she told me to stop again....well....we ended up laying on the floor together. When she told me to stop, I held her wrist. I said
"Tell me NO one more time" in a deep and not so playful manner.
She said "no"
I started spanking her. Her reaction...was amazing. Completely transformed. She was HAPPY, and extremely excited, told me I was "so bad", she called me batman while I did things to her. At that point I started telling her what to do and she did EVERYTHING.
That was probably my most incredible night I had with her. After that, I regressed to my niceguyness...and needless to say here she has a boyfriend now. I've had two other women since then, not saying I'm crying over her just making a point.
Your post made me stinking angry at first, then I figured that's what you wanted, passionate reaction. Hmmmmm. So I told myself to settle down.
I agree with your first point. And I totally wish that more women got that. If they could nurture their husbands sexually (in a healthy way), their marriage would be better off. Unfortunately it's not as simple as that sometimes. Sex is a powerful thing and it's not handled well at times by both men and women.
I'll be honest. I thought hard about your spanking comment. Seriously. My conclusion is nope, I cannot say that would turn my crank or make me feel like a woman. I prefer to be cherished. Held accountable for my actions, led by a strong, intelligent man, sure. But not in that personal, intimate, physical punishment type of way. Sorry, not for me. And I'm thinking not for many women. Your wife likes to get it, you like to give it? Good for you.
Marriage is in fact a partnership, although not with "equal" partners. Each bring something different into a marriage and each need to step up to that role. But both need to be supportive and work together (as successful partners do).
She said "no"
I started spanking her. Her reaction...was amazing. Completely transformed. She was HAPPY, and extremely excited, told me I was "so bad", she called me batman while I did things to her. At that point I started telling her what to do and she did EVERYTHING.
And this is very much treasure advice and testimony right here. Understand when a woman sees her man as dominant, in this case very playfully but is the perfect example, she will CRAVE to do this "EVERYTHING" for him.
When a man understands and experiences this for himself, it is as if the new world is opened up.
This is again why I try to bring up this kind of spanking, it is a fun and exciting way for the man and woman to discover this for themselves, and see it in action.
Words on a forum do not do this justice, but it is powerful to witness in action.
Alex,
At risk of TMI - my experience with this stuff is as follows. Oh and my experience also aligns with all the research I have read on human female sexual behavior as it pertains to their ovulation cycle.
At her low desire point - my wife only wants gentle sex. As her desire level rises getting toward her mid cycle peak and ovulation - she wants ever more alpha behavior from me in bed. Simple stuff like some playful wrestling before hand where I over power her. Now - context is EVERYTHING - my wife feels totally totally safe with me. She knows I would never hurt her. So at some level this all works for her. Physically being dominated hits some wiring that makes her desire levels flare in a way that nothing else can. I am NOT saying she likes pain. I am saying she seems to go crazy for the being overpowered scenario at that point in the month.
At her peak - once we start she LIKES to be held down by me. And on occasion likes to be spanked. She does NOT like being spanked at any other time.
Mildly rough sex is a super spicy form of love - I never ever would have thought I would like it - but I do. And the funny thing is that in all this - I am the innocent. She initiated all of it. Really I feel kind of naive some days.....
Quote:
Originally Posted by Alexandra
Here's just a few thoughts I have...
Your post made me stinking angry at first, then I figured that's what you wanted, passionate reaction. Hmmmmm. So I told myself to settle down.
I agree with your first point. And I totally wish that more women got that. If they could nurture their husbands sexually (in a healthy way), their marriage would be better off. Unfortunately it's not as simple as that sometimes. Sex is a powerful thing and it's not handled well at times by both men and women.
I'll be honest. I thought hard about your spanking comment. Seriously. My conclusion is nope, I cannot say that would turn my crank or make me feel like a woman. I prefer to be cherished. Held accountable for my actions, led by a strong, intelligent man, sure. But not in that personal, intimate, physical punishment type of way. Sorry, not for me. And I'm thinking not for many women. Your wife likes to get it, you like to give it? Good for you.
Marriage is in fact a partnership, although not with "equal" partners. Each bring something different into a marriage and each need to step up to that role. But both need to be supportive and work together (as successful partners do).
Oh my. I'm new here on the forums and find this thread fascinating! (Been married 7 years btw, first & only hubby). I was just reading along, nodding my head and agreeing with Bigbadwolf until he mentioned spanking! I would laugh if my husband did that to me! I don't know if it would do anything for me sexually or not, but it sounds hilarious.
I do agree with a man needing to be a man--in the bed and elsewhere. Very important. I think it's part of why a man being laid off work is hard, very demoralizing for a man.
I'm not sure about your "100% policy". I guess my H would like never being rejected, but he says he doesn't like having to be the one to ask every time. Sometimes he wants me to initiate, but maybe it's because of the rejection part. I don't reject him a lot but hello--occasionally! I won't just jump cuz he says jump.
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