3firelegs

I am 35 and my wife is 41, and we are both living in Canada as immigrants from China. We have two kids 5 and 7 years old.


We got married in year 2002 after discovering she was pregnant with our first kid.

Recently she has started picking her body and flipping the little body shed-off pieces everywhere in the vehicle, while I am driving she is on the passenger seat of our van. Both of our kids are sitting on the second row. I wonder what kind of negative effect this might have on our kids.


I have reiterated to her that such behavior of hers really upsets me big time, but she would not listen and continues to do so. Whether she is defiant by choice or just can't control herself as a child can't control certain types of behavior - I am not sure.


Today at the church, while listening to preaching, she was doing this as well, picking her head and neck and parts below her neck, and then flipping whatever body parts in the congretation hall. I was embarrassed and I am sure a lot of people noticed that.


I don't know how to deal with situation. I want her to stop this childishly unrestrained behavior once and for all.

We have been to marriage counseling workshops organized by the CFC, The Chinese Families for Christ organization. And we both know that men need respect from women, while women needs love more than respect. The priorities of needs for both sexes are different. But in real life, it's hard to act it out.



The problem with China is that due to 60 years of communist and authoritarion rule, women have become so unruly for men to handle and bear with. I wrote in a blog such words:
quote----
I grew up in China in the mid-1970s.

The communist slogan we grew up with, "women hold up half the sky" , damaged the social relationship between men and women so much, that almost every marriage in mainland China after the communists took power in 1949 had to go through a twisted anti-Christ man-woman relationship. True, women need respect but they do need love more than respect. These women were kidnapped by the communists but were counting the ransom for the kidnapper in gratitude. It's deplorable. In family life, these women are quarrelsome, disrespectful of their mates, and are demanding things that don't belong to them, while discarding things women should chrish, such as good housewife-ing skills."

-----unquote>


I look forward to hearing from you. Please chip in.

kindness

Well it sounds as though she has a nervous habit of skin picking. It's not all that uncommon, but she should get to the root of why she does it.

Is she nervous about something? How long has she been doing it? Try if you can to be patient and understanding with her. She has a problem and should seek out a therapist that can help her figure this out.

Good luck

K

noki

Instead of demanding respect from her (like a parent would to a child), you must allow her to give you respect freely, as a gift. A Christian woman respects a man because she loves Christ, not because that man deserves it.

For now, just ignore the behavior of hers that you do not like. Instead, compliment her for the behaviors you do like. Surprise her with flowers. Focus on the positive things about her. If you are working on making her happy, you will be surprised how quickly she will start to honor you in return.

NightOwl

If she is doing this constantly, it probably has nothing to do with immaturity or respect. It is a compulsion. I have them because of anxiety. When I am anxious or nervous, I pick at my skin a lot, and it's hard to impossible for me to avoid doing it. It doesn't bother anyone but me, but I still try to keep a handle on it. If this is a new behavior of hers, it is probably related to a higher anxiety level. You should communicate with her about it in a caring way - i.e. "I've noticed you picking at your skin a lot. I am concerned about this nervous habit. Is everything ok?"

Some people just have a tendency towards these behaviors when they are stressed out or nervous. I've had mine for over 10 years in varying intensities. Sometimes, if they are really bad (i.e. interfering with daily life), a psychiatrist will suggest medication (usually an anti-depressant or anti-anxiety med). But first, try to understand what is elevating your wife's stress level.

Alexandra

It would definitely be worth you and she checking this out at a doctor's office or a psychologist. It seems compulsive to me and she may be able to find some help that will solve the issue.

Perhaps this is not a sign of disrepect at all and by forcing that issue, you're inadvertently encouraging the behavior. Wouldn't it be better to at least investigate the possibility?

She does love you and respect you, doesn't she? Deal with habit, nurture the person.

__________________
Save your marriage & avoid divorce. If there is HOPE, there is a WAY - Relationship Advice

jengon555

I don't man to be overly blunt, but in America these days, women and men are equal, women have just as much of a right to control their husbands as their husbands have to control them, it really depends on the couple. I understand that there are cultural differences, but you really will offend a lot of people by talking about women as if they were mens property. Imagine how you would feel if your wife told you what you could and could not do with your own body? After all, it is her body and she can do with it what she likes. By doing this she is not hurting you or your children.

Having said that, it sounds like a nervous habit, or a disorder of some kind. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, or Self Mutilation (depending on what exactly she is picking off). These are both serious problems that she should seek medical treatment for, and most people with these problems can not stop or control themselves. A lot of people who self-mutilate have bad self-esteems, or they want to punish themselves because they feel like they deserved to be hurt because they are bad. If you are arguing with her about this, it may actually make her do it more, if in fact that is the problem. You should try not to make her feel bad for doing it, and rather explain your concerns. Men and women usually respond better if someone explains what the problem is, why it is a problem, and what could happen if it doesn't stop, rather than have someone command them to stop.