It would take too long to really describe myself. My "story" is oh so long...Cheated on husband online in talking to men I didn't know from a website for singles. I met two of them. One of them I actually had sex with. (I only "knew him" for a week-let him in my home, got really drunk of champagne he brought and I LET him have sex with me....husband found out yesterday...(my emails were open on my phone)...we have twin 6 year olds...and if it wasn't for them I am pretty sure he would be GONE. I am looking for a job-previously a stay at home mom. This is the FIRST time anything like this has ever happened. He has always had trust issues with me being as his first girlfriend when younger, (we have been married for 12 years) cheated on him. We have been through he** and back together as a couple...more than anyone can imagine...He hates me...decided, (we were up all day and almost all night crying and talking about this while he went back and forth as to what to do). He knows I have no place to go..(living with my parents would be awful and he knows that). My step-dad cheated on my mom...they are still together after 3 years of this happening and she is now an alcoholic because of it. Nobody knows. I was told i could not tell anyone fof fear he would look like an idiot for staying with me. You name it, he said it yesterday about me...every word imaginable and he has every right to. He keeps and will ask me every day more and more questions..i can see it coming. I told him i can take whatever he dishes out to me. What he can't get is "why". My reason: He doesn't pay attention to me. (Took off my wedding ring for weeks and the day he noticed i happily put it back on). I have been depressed for months and that is when the online flirting began. We lost a son together within the past 6 years...we managed to survive a drug, (pill) habit together by going and getting help together, we lost our home and lived with inlaws until we saved for a new place...we were doing well, (finally bought a car after going without for over a year and a half). He is a VERY hard worker, great father, great provider, great husband, (he would do ANYTHING for me....anything..and never stopped complimenting me even at my worst). Yet..when we had time together by ourselves without the kids he would sleep from working so much and i would get bored sitting around the house all day. I had a fake online acct. for 2-1/2 months and spoke back and forth via email in explicit ways to stupid men i didn't know. NOBODY ever met my kids - met two people in person...and like i said...had horrible sex with one of them... My husband is great looking, intelligent, witty and so much fun. WHY DID I DO THIS?? He is willing to see a Priest with me.. He is willing to go on a marriage encounter with me. Today is day one of him sleeping on the couch, (he won't sleep, kiss or be with me). Our sex life had basically diminished because I have NO libido...(and that stupid night i had sex it was horrible). Yet..he still would try to be romantic with me and i just pushed him away. I never complained or talked bad about him to anyone...he actually read my profile online where i spoke highly of him.. I do not know why i did what i did?? Was it out of boredom? Was it because I am screwed up in the head??? Yes...I had some very pent up issues i let out yesterday about my frustrations with me, (over and over broken promises, not being there for me mentally when i would cry over the loss over our son, his family does not like us at ALL because we owe them money, (broken promises of paying people back when in the past my good name meant GOLD). His parents said horrible things about him and us when we lived with them - we are trying to forgive but it is very difficult...(long, long story). my parents have money...live over an hour away..yet are not the best role models, (my mother is a wonderful person but NOT when drinking which is EVERY night). I feel like dying...i hurt for him deeply and myself. I can't even think straight. He knows EVERYTHING being as he wanted to know EVERY detail and even read the rauncy emails i wrote. He read them out loud to me actually. He took off his wedding ring...broke a chair...threw a cup of coffee at the door, (kids were home and I had to tell them to stay in their room so they couldn't hear). We argued all day in the garage, (from around noon til 8 pm). I don't know what to do. He TOLD me that i need to kiss his a**, (Its something i NEVER do...yet..i will do ANYTHING to keep us together). I am a stay at home mom with NOTHING to my name. He is very giving to me, (if i ask or need anything he always gets it or gives me money for whatever it was/is). I am trying to get a job and get the kids into camp this summer...and sure...i could live with my mom and deal with the drama while she bought me my own car, basically would work for my step dad to have money and save for a place of my own and move on but i do NOT want to do that. It is easy to quit. I want to make this work but he warned me that he may NEVER be able to look at me the same...ever. I know this is fresh. This all just happened...these past six years our marriage has been through so very much. It would have been easy for me to leave when i actually did have a job...(kids were in pre-school and i made my own money, had my own car, etc.). However - I was happy then and never even thought about leaving. What has happened to us? I mean...this is so gross but i will go DAYS without even taking a shower because i just don't want to. I have lost a lot of weight....(i am very thin and HATE it yet i don't want to eat). No-no eating "disorder"...i have just been majorly depressed. I felt as though he should have seen all of this in me and helped me but i am not a child...(i would be so worn out from riding my bike to the store or walking that i would not want to eat). The ONLY thing i am GOOD at or i would say GREAT at is being a mom. My kids are my life and i would always put them before him and it bothered him. But its my job?? Or should he always come first? We are religious...(Catholic) and try to go to Mass as often as possible...are definitely going to try to go more now. Is there hope? He was so wishy washy yesterday-back and forth...thinks i am disgusting...said every nasty name in the book to describe me...(I deserved it)...yet, i do not know what to do. My heart aches...i feel like throwing up all the time. He does not believe a word that comes out of my mouth. i am willing to do ANYTHING...ANYTHING.