Talk About Marriage - View Profile: moxy

About Me

About moxy

I am a:

Female

Relationship Status

Undisclosed

Length of time in current relationship:

4-8 yrs.

Sexual Orientation

Undisclosed

Biography

After a whirlwind romance, I married the love of my life and thought I'd found the real deal. Those rose-colored glasses really made our years together feel like bliss, really painted the world in love-sick hues and polarized out any of those nasty nagging things that other people have in their lives that they call doubts. That love-sick madness made me think that forever was a happy ending, but I didn't see what I wasn't seeing.

That's the tricky thing about love, isn't it? Love makes you do stupid things, like trust people blindly, or believe far-fetched stories, or tolerate strange habits by calling them quirks. And, love is worth all the sacrifices it demands, right? And, of course, relationships are hard work, right? And compromise is common, right? That's how the story goes. So like the bending reed or the gal under the broomstick in that party game that asks you how low can you go, I practiced my flexibility plenty. I'd been bending so far backwards that I couldn't see what was right in front of me anymore. But, being bent out of shape gives you an interesting vantage point, you see. Off slid the shades. So, after 7 years together, I saw what was hidden under the surfaces on which I stacked the things of our married life -- STBXH's secret identity: Cheater Man. That was DDay 1 -- 8 months ago, after which ensued much rug sweeping, gas lighting, denial (both of us), blame shifts, repressed anger, and depression. Boy does it suck to lose those rose-colored glasses!

Last week, while trying to find those shades, I tripped over the gigantic lump under the rug (how did that massive pile of red flags get down there? And, oh, is that my long-lost self-respect beside them?) and woke up out of denial fog to realize that STBXH had been lying to me all along and the little Cloud Nine on which I was floating was just a gas-lit fog of lies choking my oxygen supply and keeping me from seeing a bit more clearly. I discovered my assumed identity, too: Doormat Girl! I wanted a new role. I packed my bags and took off.

Family is far away, friends were sacrificed in favor of marriage, and no kids to speak of. STBXH might be wondering where the cat and I have gone.That's my secret, now. I'm in a new city and starting over with my life. If he can figure out how to find me, how to say the right words, maybe we can work it out, but I don't think he's inclined to put in that work or figure out which words are the right ones (I'll give you a hint: the important one is "sorry"). The thing about words is that they've got a lot of different meanings; I've discovered that limbo isn't just a party game, but a kind of hell, too.

While I'm in residence here, I'm going to find a way to deal with what my days bring me. Maybe I'll build a new house for myself and the cat. Things I hope to avoid accumulating: red flags, rugs, men with secret identities and a skill for lying, loss of self-respect, colored glasses of any variety, unverified trusts. Things I hope to find: the strength to straighten out my spine so that I'm more woman than doormat, a good vantage point from which to recognize lies before they knock me out, and faith that heart-break can heal.

I've been lurking here for a while and now I'm speaking up. Hope to hear what some of you have to say. Hope to have something useful to offer some of you, too.
Signature
"He who accepts evil without protesting against it is really cooperating with it." -Martin Luther King, Jr.

"“We first crush people to the earth, & then claim the right of trampling on them forever, because they are prostrate." -Lydia Maria Child.