possum

I'm a guy. Married 25 years. We men have some physiological reasons to need ejaculation on a pretty regular basis and we certainly have a lot of psychological things going on in our heads with respect to sexual desire, arousal and dealing with a social world involving lots of nubile females that are NOT our partners.

We don't need a partner to ejaculate. We've all got plenty of experience with that. What we need out of our relationship with our partner is to BE LOVED. We want to BE WANTED. We want to BE NEEDED. We need a second party to make us feel special, make us feel 'manly', compliment us, tell us we're 'the best', 'the only'. What we don't need is to be treated as a chore, as an obligation, or as an invonvenience. When we're rejected by our partners, it hurts us (a lot). Guys are conditioned to shake off being hurt and to not get emotional so we have difficulty dealing with this. We play tit-for-tat games with our partners and starting hurting them back (passive/agressive). It spirals downhill from there.

It sounds to me like you guys have spiraled pretty far down the path of hurting each other for your respective hurts. You have a decision to make here. Keep up the affair (you're having one) so you can keep hurting him and punishing him for hurting you and punishing you for hurting him...

...or get off the merry-go-round. Find out what you do that hurts him. Apologize and learn to stop it. Help him understand what he does that hurts you and find ways to stop it. Put each other first in your respective lives.

Another observation: Sex is the canary in the relationship coal mine. It's the first thing to go when the relationship is starting to head down hill. I bet there was a LOT more going downhill in your relationship when you were not having sex earlier on. Sex is also one of the last things to improve when (if) you rebuild the relationship.

swedish

possum,

thanks for your honesty in this post. I know for me, as a woman, there is some confusion for me as far as how men think of sex physically, psychologically and emotionally & what you stated above makes a lot of sense to me now.

As a woman, I really don't relate to/identify with the first paragraph so it's nice to see the whole picture laid out here from your perspective.

michzz

You are out of your mind to consider cheating while pregnant.

Never mind the obvious betrayal involved to your husband and your marriage vows, but you are willing to risk getting an STD while pregnant.

any man willing to cheat with a pregnant and married woman has no respect in him. Makes me think he'd be willing to risk whatever he may have just for some attention from a hormonal and attention-starved mother to be.

Have either you or this guy been tested for STDs?

Please, reconsider this affair in the hatching.

at the very least wait until you have your baby then reassess what you want out of your life.

Seek professional counseling. You are very confused.

frustratedinphx

I actually didn't let things get physical while I was pregnant (I'm now the proud mom of a 5wo daughter) out of the little remaining respect that I have for my husband, despite my other "relationship" with my friend.

Ironically since giving birth a lot has happened during our relationship. My husband, post-delivery, is now clamoring to get back into my pants which I'm glad for except that there were several dramatic events that have made his renewed lust for me bittersweet.

To start, my parents came into town to "help" after the baby was born. They visit wasn't the greatest and caused a lot of friction between my husband and me because of his very passive-aggressive relationship with my mother which up until their visit was pretty much kept at bay. Things deteriorated to the point where my husband was threatening divorce because he was frustrated my parents were there and he ultimately told my parents they had out-stayed their welcome and pretty much sent them packing.

My family (as annoying as they can be) is very important to me and after he went there and basically told them off, I'm having a hard time writing that off. His relationship with my parents has been irreparably been damaged. I now have the prospect of a lifetime of miserable family gatherings or none at all. Nevermind all of that, but the fact that he was threatening divorce not because he meant it, but to "get my attention" as he claims does NOT sit well with me.

It's nice that he suddenly thinks I'm beautiful again, but I can't get over the divorce part or the severe lack of respect for my parents. I can barely look him in the eyes now, let alone kiss him or be physical. After 2.5 years of counseling and the latest turn of events I'm not sure this marriage will ever get back on track. I'm basically furious with both my husband and parents for putting me in the middle of a horrible situation while I have a new baby and a c-section recovery to deal with.

Michzz- have you ever had a baby? they test you for everything in the book prior to delivery. so no, i have no STDs and wouldn't dream of putting my baby at risk for being exposed to one. And my professional counseling has been under way for a long time. I somewhat suspect my counselor has reached the point where he's not exactly encouraging me to stay in my marriage anymore. I'm now left with stay and endure God-knows what else from someone who is capable of being wonderful with a really dark side or leave the financial stability that we have built up and completely restart during an economic downtime. Neither option seems great- in fact both options suck!

Thanks for the continued thoughts and posts- they are very helpful!

michzz

I and my wife have two kids and I am familiar with the testing done for STDs on pregnant women. I made my comment because it was not clear to me that you were avoiding a physical intimate affair with somebody. Not only that, just because you get tested does not mean that you are cleared of an STD, that just detects some kinds of STDs, not all. And that is after the fact, you know that.

Whatever it is you are doing with or without your husband, being pregnant and cheating is very bad.

Now that the baby is here, you need to work on your loyalties. yes, your parents are important, but your husband is your primary family. You and your parents have forgotten that.

Yes, he mouthed off to them, but they did not know when they should get out of the way.

Picking family is not an all or nothing situation.

But they should know when it is time to go. You too. Your husband was being smothered and sidetracked. You know it.

it is what you wanted.