frustratedinphx

My husband and I have been married for almost 6 years (together almost 8) and have a 3YO son. I'm due in less than 2 weeks with our second child. We both work F/T, though I'm cutting back due to my impending delivery. Up until this point we've had a pretty rocky relationship. It may have been a mistake to get pregnant with our 2nd, but I'm an eternal optimist and thought we could work it out.

We were raised very differently- his mom was a SAHM and admittedly doted on his dad and did everything for him. I was raised by nannies and later on a latch-key kid and my dad shared the chores. I believe he expects me to be the wife his mom was to his dad (do all the cooking/cleaning/laundry/day-to-day stuff) and I can't do it all by myself and do the kind of work that I do. I work a job that regularly demands my attention 7 days a week and late nights too. It is more flexible, so where I am home at 5P, it doesn't mean my day is done. Actually until recently, he worked from home so that's probably no excuse. It just means I have to stay up late and finish. He's also resentful of me working on weekends saying that he gets no down time, but he doesn't realize that I'm out working- not at the spa... He is pretty successful with his career and hands-down makes more $ than me but I'm no schlep with what I bring in.

We're both really sarcastic by nature and have probably said some things to each other that husbands and wives just should say, but at some point during our relationship I realized that it just wasn't healthy so I stopped doing it and asked that he be more conscious about it too. Since then, I've been called "a piece of s*&t", a "f'in *****" and a few other choice names all of which has been so degrading to me particularly since I'm pregnant and assume just more hormonal than usual. He's thrown out things in our arguments that are so mean and hurtful, accused me of being depressed, a bad mother, etc.- just plain mean things that I wouldn't say to my worst enemy. I'm just not sure I can ever look at him the same way.

Our sex life sucks- I rejected him sexually for about a year or 2 after our 1st was born due to trauma from childbirth (sex was really painful for me), his increasingly mean nature which just turned me off big-time and pressure from starting a new career. After I realized that it really was going to hurt our marriage I tried to see things his way but the tables had turned and he rejected me sexually. It's a miracle we even got pregnant because for month after month, we'd be arguing when I was ovulating- hence no sex.

In an even more cruel twist of fate, I became so incredibly horny during my 2nd trimester and he wants NOTHING to do with me. One night I asked him if he would ever have sex with me again and he said he wasn't attracted to me while I was pregnant and that he wouldn't have sex with me again unless he got a vasectomy because he never wanted any more kids with me- OUCH! Let me clarify that I'm a pretty-good looking woman. I've never had any trouble getting attention from the opposite sex and this pregnancy has really agreed with me- I've not gained much weight and what I have gained has gone only to my stomach and my chest.

Until recently he was very tired of his job and had withdrawn from me for a period of years. I suspect he was depressed and a few friends have suspected that he was bi-polar by some of his actions. He wouldn't shower/shave or get dressed for days. Now he appears to be much happier but after everything we've been through I'm having a hard time accepting him and his "new/old self" to get back on track. He still stays up late, won't wake up in the morning and never really wants to spend any kind of alone time with me other than watching TV. I've just about given up on "date night" A) because if i don't plan it, it won't happen and B) he hates all my ideas of things to do anyway.

In the last 9 mos. and it's been a roller coaster ride from hell. During this time, we've talked about splitting up, have spent more time with a counselor (this year will be our 3rd year in therapy- on 3rd & much better therapist), have endured more mud-slinging than I can bear and new issues have come up...

To make things more complicated, during a really rough time, I confided in a pretty good friend that I worked with before I quit my last corporate job to be a mother. He was very supportive but adamant that it was time to move on. Then, it turns out he had feelings for me that were still very much present. One thing led to another and I confessed some deeply buried feelings for him too. He lives in another state so even though the nature of our relationship changed, we couldn't really act upon it. However our chats (IM) have become extremely sexual in nature. He's extremely complimentary and has no trouble in telling me how attracted he is to me. So in a moment of stupidity, I book a ticket to see him but planed my weekend so that I was really busy and wouldn't have that much time to spend with him. The sexual connection was intense but after some mild messing around one night (he is not repulsed by me even at 8 mos. pregnant) I couldn't bring myself to sleep with him out of tremendous guilt. I went home determined to make my marriage work and end the non-platonic relationship with my "friend". Unfortunately for me, my ass of a husband was a jerk to me from the moment he picked me up from the airport- not uncommon so I figured I was back to square 1.

Except that now I'm extremely sexually frustrated, aggravated with him, hormonal and am contemplating leaving. BUT the option of being a single, working mother with 2 small babies is truly my worst nightmare. At this point, I'm planning to meet my "friend" for a weekend of fun but don't know that I want to go there since I've never been one for casual sex and don't want to be used even if I'm doing half of the using. I know it's stupid, but I'm so disenchanted from my marriage that the thought of it doesn't even bother me that much anymore. "My friend" said we were perfect for each other but because of anticipated drama from the prospect of leaving my husband he wouldn't be interested in anything more than something physical. Whatever- I'm taking it all with a grain of salt even though I think about him often- probably because of the positive attention I can get from him.

Am I missing something with my husband? We've both made mistakes- I've tried to rectify some, but I just don't know if we can get back on track. On paper, he's a good man, but his inner demons are awful (I actually started to contemplate suicide last summer over the way he treated me). Counceling, talking and even intervention from his family haven't worked. I don't want to spend my life with someone who will never make me and our marriage a priority (he doesn't think there is anything wrong with the way things are and that we need anymore counseling- I completely disagree). I especially don't want to wake up 10 years from now at 42 and think what the hell have I done with my life. I know I'm no angel, but I just don't know what to do next. I'll sit tight until the new baby is at least a few months old and re-evaluate but I'm looking for some really insight from others who might understand what my husband is thinking or whether I'm beating a dead horse. I just don't know what is a "normal" marriage anymore and am trying to figure out whether I can fix what I have or realize that it's just beating a dead horse. Please help me to figure out whether there is anything left to save... Thanks and I apologize for the long post- just didn't want to leave anything out and misrepresent anything.

draconis

I was young when I divorced my first wife, when she left the house I had custody of my son only months old. Lucky I had family in the area that helped, and after some time my ex-wife took our son whenever I needed it. It took about two years after the divorce before I met my current wife.

I'll make no bones being a single father was hard. I took my time to find the right person to bring into the family. I think it was the best decision I ever made, not because my ex was a bad person, I get along with her to this day and my wife and her are friends. But I couldn't stay married to her and be happy.

draconis

__________________
www.myspace.com/draconis1973

carmaenforcer

Hello frustratedinphx
let me see if I got this right;
You neglected your husband sexually for 2 years after the birth of your first child. Feeling you were justified in not giving your husband any sex because you were feeling some sort of discomfort due to child birth.
He most likely harbors some sort of resentment because of this and or your handling of it, whatever, but now doesn't want your sex anymore.
This from a guys point of view, is completely understandable and to be expected. It one of those, "uh-duh!" things.

Now you are pregnant with your second child, so I guess he did give in at least once, but now will not touch you because he claims not to be attracted to you while your pregnant.
You have found comfort in the arms of a supposed friend that you just happened to mess around with, basically already cheated on your husband with this guy because he is telling you everything you want to hear. You have not had intercourse with your friend but plan on it soon, already set a date, while you have your husbands baby inside of you. 8 month old baby inside you, but he don't mind, so you don't mind.

I say if you are serious about making things work with your husband, you should at least let your self suffer a bit before seeking shelter in the bed of another man. I would say, he has at least two years worth of letting you stew for what you did to him. Talk it out with your husband, if you are honest about wanting to make your marriage work. Tell him what you've done with this other guy so far, and see if your husband even wants to make anything work with you after that. You never know he might just tell you to hit the road and you can then go have sex with this new understanding friend without having to cheat again.

frustratedinphx

Hi Carma,

Thanks for being candid with me. Just to clarify, I didn't withhold sex for 2 years solely from the trauma of the baby- that was for maybe 6 mos. After 36 hours of labor an emergency c-section and a tough recovery, I think that's justified. I quit wanting sex when my husband repeatedly started to berate everything i did as a SAHM- the way I cooked, cleaned, took care of our son and became verbally abusive toward me. I don't know about you, but if you spent most of the day in the kitchen, if someone complained about how you made your meals after they initially raved how wonderful you cooked in in the first place, I don't think you'd be rushing off to have sex with them after dinner either... BTW- none of my recipes changed. AND because we were new to town, we didn't have baby sitters, had no family nearby or friends who were willing to help- so I NEVER got a break or any time to myself.

Personally, I feel like I've been suffering for about 5 years already- since he started being mean even before we got pregnant the first time. Then, I "took one for the team" and moved to a city I hate, left behind my career, my friends and everything I loved only to be beat down by the one person who was supposed to be my best friend.

I get "breaks" from my misery when he feels like it and am supposed to be grateful for what I can get? I've stood by him through his having cancer, went back to work when he felt "trapped" and "pressured" by being the sole bread-winner and have picked up all the slack as far as our son was concerned until now because he's "not a morning person", "needs to work on a project", is playing video games, or whatever other excuse it is on any given day.

I haven't had a birthday/valentine's day gift in about 4 years, am lucky to get a card and have only 1 time in 8 years received flowers. On the flip side, I've tried to always anticipate what he might want- plan surprise trips, buy him nice things, book massage treatments for him and he COMPLAINS!! Marriage is a 2-way street as far as I knew. When do I get or deserve to be happy too?

Yes- I'm completely in the wrong for seeking some comfort in the arms of another- that will haunt me until the day I die, but I have to tell you, the loneliness was KILLING me.

shane33

i kinda know what u r going through and i think you 2 have comunication problems.I also think u are resenting him for dragging u away from everyone. As a guy i know we pick up on a female who is unhappy and if it stays that way for long then men will pull back and shelter them selves its our way of not being hurt we act like a tough guy on the out side but on the inside we are afraid of being hurt or rejected. If you are sending rejection signals he will be picking up on them and continue to defend himself now as things go on it is getting worse and u 2 are butting heads not wanting to back down so noone shows weakness but it is a silly game.I read your whole story and it is very similar to my situation and i can tell you when my wife left me and i came home to an empty house and no kids or wife around it was a big wake up call for me and i am trying very hard to make it right with her. It maybe a very real possiblity for you to separate from him for a bit to wake him up and so he can see the real picture. It will defanatly wake him up but i can not say which way he will go he may come to you but then he may go to someone else. Now you have already gone to someone else for comfort but be careful because that is not a good situation. I think you need to let him go and see what happens if he comes to you then you can work it out if not well then you can move on also there is no point in beating a dead horse and making you both miserable. I would like you to do something first though step back and look carefully and make sure you are fully aware of the situation and you are not blinded by something try and put yourself in his shoes for a bit and take a good honest look at things before you make a dession good luck

carmaenforcer

I actually do feel you frustratedinphx. Like you, I too do all the cooking pick up the slack with the house cleaning when it's supposed to be my Wifes turn to clean or do dishes or clean the cat's little box, etc. and like you I feel heulla unappreciated most of the time. I'm a guy and so most of the time feel neglected sexually too, so unlike you I would probably still have sex with her even if I was mad at her, but like I said, I think that's a guy thing.

Had you already tried to talk to him about all these issues, before you messing with another guy, I mean?

The fact that he had a cancer scare could have contributed to his being a jerk or being selfish, but doesn't make it right.

You obviously harbor a lot of resentment towards your husband for his being the cause of your suffering for 5 years even before the birth of your first baby, then taking your sacrifices and contributions for granted, not being romantic or thoughtful enough to do stuff for you on special occasions, etc. Any one of these things give you valid reasons to be angry, none however justify you messing with another guy and cheating on your husband.
What's done is done though and as you stated you will probably feel bad about that for the rest of your life. The worst thing about your infidelity is that it will probably be the final nail in the coffin as far as being able to fix things in your relationship with your husband. I don't want to say that your husband will not claim to forgive your indiscretion, I've seen worse forgiven, but do you think your relationship will get better now that your a cheater in his eyes or worse? Be honest with your self, and come to grips with the fact that you have probably pretty much killed any chance you had of reaching him and getting him to care about what he's done to you and he has all the right in the world to just leave. Unless you want to make it work and he does too.
Would you be willing to do the one thing that could help save your marriage at this point and cut all ties with the person that you messed with. There will after all, be the conflict of keeping it "our little secret", and that's continuing the relationship in a bad way, you know.
I forgave my Wife's infidelities, but am yet to forget. I have some serious demons because of this and have put my Wife through hell. We're doing cool now, she really seems to be trying to make it work, I can't help but wonder if shes being so nice because she did or almost did something and is currently teetering in my direction. SHADY! I say to myself while just enjoying the good times for face value.

I cant judge you because I too was thinking of cheating because of how unhappy I am with our sex life, still might.
My Wife's indifference and plain selfish attitude toward the whole subject seriously has made me hate her. This would make it easier to do her wrong without feeling too bad about it.

My Wife and I also have a family, a 1 1/2 year old baby boy that we both love with all of our hearts. I think this helps looking towards a future with someone, I know that I have overlooked a lot of BS and head-trips from my Wife because of him.

It's going to be ruff for you with two little children, either way you go. Good luck with your husband and your friend, just be honest with yourself maybe wait for the hormones to die down a little bit before making too life changing of decisions.

frustratedinphx

Thank you all for your POVs. They are exactly the perspective I need. I'm taking it all in and will re-evaluate where we are when the new baby is a few months old. Hopefully the hormones and the newness of everything will have died down by then to get a really clear picture of where we are and what we have before I make any decisions to do anything at all.

Carma- yes, I did try talking to him about this both on my own and in therapy and it just didn't seem to strike a cord with him at all. Ironically I used your exact verbiage saying that when he rejected me or was mean to me, it was like he was driving more and more nails into the coffin that was our marriage. He acknowledged that it made me feel sad and said that he did love me, but still he just couldn't tear himself from all of the other things in his own little world to spend time (sexual or not) with me. Truly, if we hadn't been on vacation out of the country with no internet access in our room, I seriously doubt I'd be pregnant. Even now that things appear *good* he just can't focus his attention on me to sit through 15 min. of dinner without having to get on his laptop, go "check on something" in his office" or whatever else. He has ADD which I'm sure heavily contributes and because I'm not new and exciting, he doesn't feel the need to make the effort for the maintenance that every marriage needs. But that's a whole other can of worms.

I wish that I could just hate him and make myself feel better about maybe going to see the other guy again, but I'm not wired that way. My thought is that if I really do act upon it that it will tell me that I'm in the wrong marriage and so I just do the right thing and leave.

Believe me, I wish to God that all these feelings I have for my friend could just be transfered to my husband. My concern is that even if I could snap my fingers wish the other guy away, hubby still wouldn't really ever change. Just short of ripping his clothes off and mounting him, I really have tried just about everything to get his attention- even before we got pregnant- parading around him naked, offering to buy toys, just being blunt- nothing worked. The rejection after doing all of that made me feel awful and stupid. I just hope that if we can get past all of this we'll have a *normal* healthy relationship (sexual and otherwise) and that I won't wake up a few years down the road back at point A thinking "I can't believe I fell for it again. How dumb am I?"

Thanks again and I wish all of you the best!

Chopblock

"parading around him naked, offering to buy toys, just being blunt- nothing worked. "

My heart goes out to you that you are so motivated to fix the problem, you are making effort. You probably already know this, but a woman who is willing to do the things you did above is highly prized and would have no problem being fought over by men.

I don't want to sound silly here, but have you ever asked him seriously if he might be gay? It is a distinct possibility, and I have seen it happen (a friend's Dad came out of the closet after 20+ years of marriage with 2 grown sons).

Perhaps you should tell him that he really is better off admitting it if that is the case because then he can be really honest with you and honest with himself. Its a sucky position for you to be in, but it might very well be the reason behind his behavior.

frustratedinphx

I once actually had a dream that he was gay and we talked about it- he laughed. I'm pretty sure he's not gay though. He's a self-proclaimed "boob man" and likes to play around with parts of my anatomy but just isn't really interested in committing the time for anything more. A few months ago tried to log into his computer to find recent pics from a family vacation to send to friends (honest- I swear I wasn't snooping) and accidentally found a gang bang video in the same application. At the time I remember being more relieved that at least he wasn't just not interested in sex at all, but I couldn't really tell how long it had been there. Though I was a little hurt that he'd rather have a video than me, but he used to collect magazines before I was in the picture so it wasn't a shocker or anything. I'd rather that than him being out there with God knows what else.

Chopblock

Gay men love boobs. In my experience, they also get full groping privileges.

I'm going to say the same to you that I'd say to a man in your position. If he isn't interested in talking, and he isn't interested in solving the problem (or nothing is coming of the talk) then your choices are really only "deal" or "leave". Unless you guys work out some open relationship arrangement, I'm not sure what else to do.

Perhaps the shock of you being ready to leave will wake him up.

Liza

I know men, who are otherwise good men, tend to become the way you describe your husband, when they are feeling unappreciated, when they feel you don't care about them anymore. It's all about you or the children, or your career, so they try to do things to hurt the ego, to make you feel small.

pigpen

Calling someone a piece of **** definately would killl the sex drive. For the love of God - what are men thinking?

My husband has never gone so far as to call me S*** but he has berated everything else in very cruel and subtle ways.

Me "good morning" him "this house looks like S***"

Yeah - go ahead and try to kiss me with that mouth.

I don't really have any advice.
I don't blame you a bit for peeking in on the competition. When the one you are with gives so little a new guy offering love and respect is very hard to resist. You did the right thing by not letting it get too far.

I dont know how you feel about the situation you are in. If I had enough income to try to raise my kids on my own I would be out the door fast. Name calling, insults and berating you are forms of abuse. Why are men like this?

How in the hell does "good moring" lead to criticism and insults?

pigpen

Lisa I hope you will forgive my bluntness. But that is a load of garbage. Grown men behave like grown men. If a man behaves as this woman has described that man is behaving a like a spoiled child. To say they are "otherwise good men" is excusing their behavior. It is not that they are "bad" men they are just bad at behaving like grown up men.

I am begining to think that marriage was designed by men who did not want to grow up and so sought a way to hold on to mommy forever.

pigpen

Been there and done that. Don't go there. You are still a hot chicky. After 20 years in the situation you have described I am no longer a hot chicky. Life is too long for a bad marriage.

I will say this - life does NOT need marriage. YES - marriage can be wonderful. I have seen people who know the knack and thrive in marriage. I think, if TWO people are motivated they can learn the marriage knack. But never make the mistake that you have to be married. No matter how appealing your friend looks - back away. What you see now is fresh fruit compared to a rotten apple. It all looks good now. But your vision is clouded by the situation you are in. Trying to persue your friend now would just leave you in a worse off place emotionally.
Take a break and swear off men (not hate them - just step away) until you get your head on straight and your house in order. You will do your marriage a favor if you stay and will do your self a favor if you divorce.

incognito70

Read my post called: 'HONEST IMPARTIAL OPINIONS PLEASE?', in the section: "Thinking of separation or divorce".

Why?

Because my situation (although not parallel in all respects to your situation) is the polar opposite. You are ....well...me...in my situation.

BTW, what you are engaging in with this other 'friend' is an actual affair (without the sex part). I know, because I've done that & now look back on it in retrospect.

I've since found other ways/reasons to feed my deprived ego in the home, but it is a more challenging & noble task, than to start 'falling in love' with the next closest person of the opposite sex that cushions the blows to my ego.

This 'infidelity' or thought of infidelity part, is what is the most similar to my experience.

I highly recommend seeking support anonymously from a forum such as this in order to cope, than to act out something you will most likely regret.

Easier said than done, but by having second thoughts, or 'third & fourth' thoughts about it, is a great start.

Good luck & keep your chin up!