I have been married for over 15 years now to the most wonderful woman. She is a wonderful wife and mother to our 8yr old son. The only problem, until now, has been communication. Although I am able to talk and express my feelings, she has never been able to do so. This has caused much stress and strain at times. It can be very frustrating to me too, though we rarely speak of it.
This week, I discovered my wife was having a relationship. Our cell phone charges went from 200 per month to over 800. When looking at the bill, I found near daily and repeated calls and text messages to 1 specific number. I called the number and found that it was another man. I called my wife and asked about this person. Her reply was that it was not as it seemed. 300 hours of calls in 2 months. We spoke about it later in the day and she assured me that it was not a physical relationship yet, for support. She said that it was never physical and that she guaranteed 100% this to be true. We agreed to work on our relationship and seek counseling.
That evening I found that the relationship was physical. That she was having a long term relationship that became sexual some months ago. When I asked her about this, she admitted to me that it was true and that she loves him. I can forgive her, never got angry over this and am trying to be supportive. She is confused about what to do now. She cries and says that she loves both of us. I dont know what to do. She told me this evening that she wanted a "trial separation". Later she said that we could work on our relationship together. Tomorrow may be another story. She says that she is confused but....I think I am the one truly confused here. I simply dont know what to do other than be as supportive as I can...forgive and forget. We are only human right?
I have to tell you, I honestly don't know how to put it nicely...please be a man. If I cheated on my husband, then lied about it, then said I was torn between him and my lover, he would have my bags packed so fast I wouldn't be able to blink!
And that my dear, is why I respect him which is yet another reason I don't lie to him or cheat. You have to respect yourself enough to set some standards. For us, cheating is a total deal breaker.
When you say you are being supportive, I hear "I'm a doormat and will do whatever possible to make you stay even if means ripping my heart out on a daily basis"
I really don't mean to be harsh. I know it hurts, I can not imagine anything hurting more than your spouse betraying you like that. I obviously don't know what it's like to be in your marriage and I'm not blaming this on you. She is responsible for her actions. All I'm saying is, you will live with what you put up with. I am glad you are in counseling. Best wishes.
I think you need to take a step back and decide what you want. She may be too confused to even know what she wants at this point. The last thing you want is for her to say what you want to hear just to not hurt you. Picture your life with her going forward. Are you ok with her still having contact with the OM? If you are not, you need to tell her what your limits are. For example, I entered this marriage to be monogamous and if this is something you also want, you need to stop all contact with him and work with me to figure out why you strayed so we can work on those issues between us and move forward and if it's not something that can be restored then we both can move on. I agree that without forgiveness on your part, it will be very difficult to stay with her. Forgetting is another story. You cannot just erase this from your memory. You will need some sort of resolve that you understand how you got to this point so down the road you don't constantly worry that it might happen again. Yes, we are only human and do make mistakes, but by saying it's ok I understand is really opening the door for her to do whatever she wants without regard for your marriage vows and feelings and in my opinion just setting yourself up to continue to be hurt. I would personally think 'separation' means she wants to keep seeing the OM and see how that goes. You really need to decide what you are willing to put up with. If she continues to see him, she cannot be fully vested in working on your marriage and I don't think you should put yourself through that turmoil. Gather up the strength to tell her what you need from this relationship if it is to be repaired or I fear you will be setting yourself up to be hurt over and over. Good luck.
You can only look after you. Seek some couceling for you. She is confused and unlikely to be able to chose between you or the other man. I would tell her to move out and tell her that you cannot work on this marriage unless she is willing to work on this relationship with out the other guy. She needs to clear her head and decide what she wants. She cannot finish or come back into your relationship with the guy tagging along. She owes it to you to get out, and figure out what she wants. It will go back and forth until you decide to let go and it will take its toll on all of you. Remove yourself from the situation, and let her figure out for herself. By being supportive while the other guy lurks in the shadows will not give your marriage any chance. She has got to figure this out on her own, without you. I guess you can tell I have been there long time ago. Good luck.
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"Love me when I least deserve it, because that's when I need it most." --Anonymous
Whether to stay in the relationship is a choice you’ll have to make. She has done a terrible thing to you and your marriage and you will need to try and determine if you can forgive her and trust her in the future. That she lied about the physical aspects will make trust for you very difficult but marriages can be repaired after an affair. As for TOM if your marriage is to have any chance at all she will need to agree to no contact with him ever again. Since she is very confused right now you may not be able to make that a requirement until after she commits to working on the marriage. If she is not able to make that commitment you then you should considering moving on. I will disagree with Cindy that by being forgiving and wanting to put your marriage back on track in no way reflects your status as “a man”. To walk out the door when being slapped in the face like this would be the instinctive and easier thing to do. I certainly understand that an affair is a deal breaker for a lot of people and that is fine. But spouses in these circumstances need to make their own decisions on what to do. To stay and fight for your marriage shows your commitment to your wife and child. It shows you are compassionate as well as even handed. Not something that is easy to do at a time like this. I commend you for taking time to think this out and seek advice before you act. I would recommend that if you elect to stay that you should be as strong and unemotional as possible. Try reading Love Must be Tough by Dobson. He cites many case histories like the one you are in. My best wishes for you and my sympathies for your pain.
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Amp
Confidence – Love – Patience – Faith Are the tools to help heal a marriage.
he would have my bags packed so fast I wouldn't be able to blink!
And that my dear, is why I respect him which is yet another reason I don't lie to him or cheat.
Man... Cindy said everything in this statement.
I have been tuff on my woman ever since she did me wrong and I haven't backed down, even if she threatens to leave, and she is staying in line better than when I used to whine about the awful things she's done to me.
Counseling, definitely. I would also advise at this point - without her.
This question may seem odd, but I find it can be telling in the event that either or both of you want to attempt to repair your marriage. Take the affair out of the equation, had you already lost her?
Based upon your statements, it sounds as if your spouse had disengaged from the relationship some time ago.
Unfortunately, I have some personal familiarity with your circumstances. In considering how to move forward, it is crucial that you are honest with yourself in relation to what your marriage truly was ... as opposed to what you wanted, or perceived it to be. Keep that in mind when considering what you are attempting to salvage.
To want to work it out and be patient with her shows that you are a good man, she can't have her cake and eat it too. Yes their is a child involved and that makes it hard to do what needs to be done in this case, but respect yourself enough to know you don't deserve her dishonesty. If she realize she has a good thing maybe she'll check herself but you need to remove yourself from that situation.
I can sympathize with you, I am the woman "door mat" and seriously it is very hard. I too can forgive my husband for what he has done, but I know it will take a lot of trust building. My husband always told me he would never divorce me or put up with me cheating. So I have never done so, but it was a different story when he has an affair. You have to do what is best for you, but if you are going to forgive you have to make sure you can do so without bringing up the pain in the heat of the moment. I wish you all the best and do not forget everything happens for a reason.
Lost - Losing Wife
