repunzel

Hello guys, sorry for the trouble but would appreciate if you advice me on whats the best way to make my husband feel guilty for what he has done...

My marriage is going through alot of misunderstandings,ups and downs and emotional torture...

We have tried to patch things up but seems that not a week goes by without a day or 2 of arguments...

Last nite me and my husband decided to go out for pizza and watch a movie,as soon as we finished dinner,his phone rang and he invited his frends to the movie despite of us having plans already to go out on our won as a couple and spend some quality time together,this made me very upset bcoz he didnt consider my feelings and in our culture men and women dont socialise together apart from formal reasons...he left me home and i was very much upset of his behavior that he went to the movies with his frends and left me on my own at home,i gave him a big one to one for his stupidity of what he did...i havent spoken to him since he returned home and just been giving him a cold shoulder and straightforward answers...How can i really make him feel guilty and to pay for his behaviour...he always treats me harsh and argues with me but this time i want to show him and make him apologise for his unmanly behavior...


can i get some advice and tips on how to make him feel really sorry and value me and respect me the next time...

repunzel

would appreciate your help...Thanks

draconis

I don't think revenge will get you to where you want to go since it will only make him want to please himself more since he knows that anything that might make you feel slighted will simply turn into psychological abuse for him.

draconis

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GAsoccerman

may I ask where are you from? Since your Society is this way, maybe it can enlighten us a little.

repunzel

i'm from the United Arab Emirates(DUBAI)...its very cosmoplitan with fast developments but arabs still stick to their cultures and traditions...

i'm a very open minded person and both me and my husband have lived abroad in the west for a long time...but still we have to abide by the culture to be in the society it plays a major part...

I have been giving him a cold shoulder,he is not home this weekend due to visiting his parents and family and when he calls i just give him short answers and dont talk unless and if he asks anything..he tried making conversation but i just hate him so much for his treatment....

Its many times he has engaged with frendz and left me alone when we found out i was pregnant,he was ignoring me...im pregnant and into my 3rd trimester and all i have had is stress from the start of the pregnancy up until now...I want him to stop treating me harsh...he has a deaf ear so there is no point speaking to him cuz he tends to always get angry and starts abusing me verbally and it really hurts...

I have just been queit,i dont call him and been cold with him and just give him straight answers...i really want him to feel for what he is doing to me and has done and stop blaming me for arguments...he has to realise that his actions hurt me...

Life is not just about money,luxury and material things...

its about getting respect,value and dignity...and now i'm pregnant he has made us feel like we are second priority to him...and that really hurts...

repunzel

could you explain me more plz,i quite didnt get you...its not revenge that am looking for,but to make him feel what he is doing is not right....and hurting me always...

Deejo

repunzel,

I think peoples' awareness (or lack of awareness) about some of those cultural differences can make it difficult to give meaningful advice.

Can it be as simple as telling him that you feel hurt, and that with the baby coming, you want to spend more time together as a couple before you are caught up in the chaos of parenting?

draconis

I think good communication is better than a cold shoulder.

draconis

__________________
www.myspace.com/draconis1973

repunzel

over the past and recently i have tried my best to converse with him he gets angry and doesnt understand...i get really hurt of his actions and his deaf ears...he is a kind of a person who hates confrontation i feel its been a year of turmoil,he has anger problem and this is what has made me fed up of arguments and shoutings and than him blaming me for everything and threatening to divorce me...

I need a general view of things that can make him feel am very hurt...i have been very calm and dont call him unless there is work but he is trying to converse and i do not pay much attention and dont ask him of how he is or where he is or how was his day....at this moment i hate him alot...he has put me and the baby as a second priority cause he said his family comes first....what are we than people from the street...Things were fine until the cinema incident where he just ignored me and it has pissed me off..

do you think he feels guilty....i wont be seeing him until tuesday and the hurt he has caused with his harsh words and behaviour has hurt me alot....

Shall i just continue being cold and when i get back home be quiet and calm and show him the same behaviour....am fed up of arguments and i have decided to sleep seperate is that a good idea?

BlueCreek

I believe what draconis is trying to tell you is that very few problems can be solved by trying to find ways to make your spouse feel guilty. From what you've said, I'm not even sure you can make the man feel guilty. You absolutely need to communicate in some other way. Obviously the communication you have tried is failing, but ignoring him and sleeping in another room to get back at him...not a great chance that will do more than tick him off even more and send the two of you spiraling out of control. The old adage "two wrongs do not make a right" comes to mind.

Most of the advice you're going to get from people like me is to help you solve your problems, not come up with ways to hurt your husband. You need to sit down and really think about what you need and expect from your marriage. Then you need to sit his butt down and go over them with him. Be calm and try not to be too hard nose, give him some wiggle room to respond about what he is willing to do or not, and then give him the chance to respond the same way and see what his needs and expectations are that you can or cannot meet (often problems like this need work from both people even if you don't realize it because men are notoriously bad at sharing how we feel and hide stuff all the time.)

Then you really need to think hard about if what you've come up with is acceptable or not. If it is, tell him exactly what you expect from then on from him and also how you are going to meet his needs. If not, well, then you can decide what next steps you might need to make and let him know what the repercussions are going to be if he doesn't work with you on improving your marriage.

As a final thought, one thing you need to insist on this: the moment he married you, you became his immediate family. You and your child need to be his No. 1 priority. After you comes his birth family and close his friends. There is no other acceptable order of importance.

Chopblock

--"its not revenge that am looking for,but to make him feel what he is doing is not right....and hurting me always..."

I think the problem here is that he doesn't BELIEVE what he is doing is wrong, and I'm not so sure you will be able to convince him that it is wrong. I respect that your culture is very different, and it sounds like you guys are in a difficult place: mixing some western things with some UAE things -- things which may not mix.

By trying to tell him he is "wrong", you may be putting him between a rock and a hard place: one the one hand he has his culture telling him to do something one way, and his wife telling him to do something the other way -- he can't do both.

Perhaps instead, can you go out with your own friends? Maybe he is so quick to leave you hanging because he knows you'll be waiting around. If you were more scarce, he couldn't just blow you off.