I've been married for 7 yrs (2 kids) and have a great job, great pay, great kids, no financial problems, no addictions, absolutely great life.
EXCEPT my marriage. Wife is a perfect mother but does not put ANY effort in our marriage. She doesn't laugh with me anymore, mocks me, puts me down, sex MAYBE once every three weeks, she wants to get pregnant and that's all I'm good for, and she is now about 60lbs more than when we got married. She is always right and she'll listen to everyone else and their advice or will go completely out her way to help them... but me.
I never said anything about her weight until 2.5 yrs ago. She was about 70lbs overweight and she lived in her pj's or sweats. She still wears maternity clothes or baggy clothes. She works out now, but still eats more then I do. It's as if, what matters to me, does not even phase her.
Pregnancy has been a big issue. I've held out for over 2.5 yrs. I told her that until she loses that weight we are not having another child. 2.5yrs later... she is still 60lbs overweight. She cries and tells me she wants the baby and it's not fair, but to me, it's not fair that she doesn't care about what I want.
What do I do? Marriage is not fun anymore. Our relationship seems like there is no future.
I've tried the following:
1) Cooking for her for months - Didn't matter (she went back into the fridge and ate more unhealthy food or more in quantity)
2) Asking her to go on walks every night - She did it couple of times and then said she needed to take care of the kids
3) Revamped the food in our home - She complained and went to the store and bought everything I threw away
4) Encouraged her and said positive remarks - She says that I don't mean them and it's reverse psych. to get her to lose more weight
If my husband complained about not getting enough sex and told me to loose weight I would have a hard time doing either also.
Sex and loosing weight are both mental issues for women. We need to be mentally in the mood to have sex and when we are mentally depressed we eat. Maybe your wife is depressed.
It sounds as though you are doing your best to help your wife loose weight but its just not working. It is very hard to help a person if they dont want it. Or maybe she does want help, but is having a hard time talking to you about it. If I was given an ultimatum to either loose weight or no more children I would find it very difficult to approach any subject with my spouse without a feeling of bitterness.
When I got pregnant with my 2nd I was on bedrest for 4 months before I had her. I gained at least 50lbs. I followed the weigh watchers plan and lost all of it and even another 20. I couldnt have done it without my husbands help. I would do the grocery shopping and plan what we should eat and he would cook it.
Does your wife want to loose weight? Does she complain about her looks? Shes started working out. Thats great. Do you workout with her?
If your wife gets pregnant again gain as much wieght as she does during, and up to three months after then try to lose it. It might be tougher then you imaged.
It sounds like your wife might have self-esteem issues or depression. It could be that NOT having a baby is making her more depressed, causing her to not care about exercise and leading her to eat more. Giving her an ultimatum probably isn't helping, but I can see your point. Besides, I don't think you guys should be having a baby at all if both of your hearts aren't in it.
I completely Agree!! My RSS wasn't working so I didn't know if I had responses. Anyways, I completely agree with all of you. That is why I'm really confused.
RE: The depression theory
She is an extremely confident person. She'll tell you how it is every time if you are a family member. No beating around the bush. Could that be a reaction? (Defense mechanism maybe?)
RE: Self Esteem Issue Theory
I can see it as a self-esteem issue for sure. She is addicted to working out. (2 hours a day) She maybe feeling good about herself there. If only she would be encouraged enough to eat less.
I really think it's all in her eating habits and unwillingness to not change. Our battle now is baby vs weighing less. She has brought up the baby thing again and I am contemplating just telling her that the baby will not come unless she loses the weight first. What do you think? If yes, how do I approach that?
I'm not sure that I get a strong sense of what you want. So, my 2 cents may be way over the line.
Quote:
"It's as if, what matters to me, does not even phase her."
"Marriage is not fun anymore. Our relationship seems like there is no future."
"Our battle now is baby vs weighing less"
I think you need to change the battle plan. Am I incorrect that your concerns regarding your relationship extend far beyond your spouses weight?
Maybe it's just me, but it doesn't appear that her weight, or the baby, are the foundation of the issues you are experiencing.
What do you intend to do, if she has no intention of changing her behavior, or priorities?
That is a really good point. I do not know, but honestly(since there is no reason to lie on a forum), I have considered separating. It's a marriage and we have kids. The marriage is not working well and hasn't for the past couple of years. I am willing to put more work in, if there are results. But so far, I do not foresee that happening. Especially because the way she disrespects me. I've mentioned a while ago, that our marriage needs attention, but she didn't seem to think so and left the room. No discussion on why. Just a comment that she didn't think that, and it was over.
I do think the weight and her disregards of my desires are the root of the issue. Her brother and sister in laws have told me in confidence that they do think she is rude and would say positive and encouraging things about how I provide.
I think those are my main issues but let me know if there are other things you may see.
Ok, so here is my over the line part. Instead of telling her that there will be no baby until she loses weight, try this one out:
"There won't be another child until I have made a decision about our marriage."
Say something like that, and you have just taken back some power for what happens next. That is not a statement that she can simply walk away from. Or, should she choose to ignore or attack you as a result - you can deliver on your word. Move out. Then decide next steps from there.
Marriage is in trouble, wife is unhealthily overweight, there are already two kids, and she thinks having a third one is a good idea?
What planet is she on? Your wife is not happy and thinks a new kid (doll) will solve things for her?
She would be risking her own health by getting pregnant. it is not cruel to refuse to have another kid. Rather, it is a wise decision, protective even.
The symptoms you describe of your wife are of an unhappy and troubled person.
I'm pretty sure that even if she were in the mood for intimacy that she will avoid it knowing that her body is so out of shape, and especially since you have told her as much.
Yes, it is the truth, but she is a woman and they do not like hearing such things from their husbands. They will dwell on the fact that their husband said they are fat (no matter how sensitively you broached the subject) instead of hunkering down and trying to lose the weight.
Your ambivalence about what to do is not helping either.
And her refusal to talk about it, even leaving the room indicates how scared she really is about her situation.
I recommend that the two of you get into counseling and air this.
Deejo that is a more accurate statement and approach. I will take that approach.
michzz you are right about the third child. Her goal has been to have more than four children so we are only half way through. She keeps saying that after the kids she will lose the weight. But that's like giving a child the candy and expecting them to do the work after. (not likely going to happen). She wants to achieve her goals, but I have decided not to compromise or risk bringing in another child between us until we can fix our issues. She thinks we're off track with our family plans, but I could care less about that.
We are going to try counseling maybe as early as next week. I hope it works.
she is in search of more emotional satisfaction. she feels terrible about herself and wants to fill the void so she doesnt think about it. This is common with low self esteem. Feeling like she is not good enough for you does play a part in that. I would not work so much on the weight as much as I worked on giving her empowerment and her confidence back. Once she has that she most likely will drop the weight on her own.
I'm like you I am not attracted to overweight women. Luckily my wife is 5'9 130. Perfect.
Dont be ashamed of it. It's your preference and that will never change. But your approach makes her feel you are superficial. Her promise of losing weight after the next baby really cracked me up. Dont have that next baby until or if you sort your issues out.
I'm curious whether you know WHY your wife wants a 3rd kid? Whats wrong with the 2 you already have? I don't mean that in a bad way, but I do worry about the whole "once you have it, novelty wears off" thing. What if you have a 3rd kid, and then she wants a 4th?
I think you both need to focus a bit on yourselves too. Do you help out with the kids? (not blaming you, but if you help out more, she may feel better about it).
If your kids are young and energetic, thats a great way to have exercise and family time all in one. A game of football or something in the back yard. Perhaps if your wife can't keep up, she may be motivated to work harder?
I know exactly how you feel though -- when it seems like she only cares about whats important to her, and that any advice out of your mouth MUST be wrong. Its frustrating and makes you want to check out, which is bad.
Its a bit of an alarm though that she goes out and undoes all the good you try to make. Maybe its a control issue. You cooked and she rebelled. You purged bad food, and she rebelled. You compliment and she assumes you are lying (oh boy do I know THAT one well.. I'm so sick of suffering through it...).
Maybe you should try a little bit of detatchment for a while. LEave her be -- if she wants to eat, let her eat. If she wants to insult, let her insult. This may work if what she craves is your reaction. Again, focus on you and your kids and your interests and give her some time to herself to work on herself too.
Deejo that is a more accurate statement and approach. I will take that approach.
michzz you are right about the third child. Her goal has been to have more than four children so we are only half way through. She keeps saying that after the kids she will lose the weight. But that's like giving a child the candy and expecting them to do the work after. (not likely going to happen). She wants to achieve her goals, but I have decided not to compromise or risk bringing in another child between us until we can fix our issues. She thinks we're off track with our family plans, but I could care less about that.
We are going to try counseling maybe as early as next week. I hope it works.
jumper21 -
You seem to have the measure of it here. I think one of the great things about forums like this is that the other participants gently nudge you to admit to yourself what you already knew.
Here's how it looks to an outsider:
I would be performing the calculation round about now, as to whether or not to stay. So any thought of another baby would be on hold.
But, I would go further. You can't use a baby as a bargaining chip. Even if this woman hung on my every word and offered me sex 5 times a week - if only she could have a baby - my answer would be no. The baby, is a person, not a hostage, to be traded.
Let me tell you, I am sex mad. We have it 5-10 times a week, but I would feel guilty for ever if I made the decision to get my wife pregnant in order to have her sex me up. Or lose weight or give up smoking or anything.
My bottom line is, how have you let it get to this? Do you have a low sex drive? I would have had the talk long ago, and after that I would have issued the ultimatum, and then I would be gone. And I am a very laid back guy, but I won't taken for a chump. That's my bottom line. Another baby will just trap you in a near sexless emotionless marriage. I think what this woman needs is a firm husband who lets her know where the boundaries are, and what is expected of a wife. This might actually make her happier than the course she is pursuing.
By the way, when someone says they will give up something after they get such and such, it is a clear sign of addiction. I have seen this in myself. What is actually happening is that the addiction is a drug that gives a cosy feeling and seems to fill a need. She is saying she will give up overeating, when she gets a replacement drug - a baby.
she mocks you and puts you down, because of her own insecurities.
who else is their that would allow her to do that. no one.
and who else gets the raw end of the stick usually - your partner. (you)
im afraid you have to be man , not mouse in situations like this.
no body should be walked over.
It's not fun anymore
