I am a very strong willed woman. I always have been, even when I met my husband almost 9 years ago. I have actually calmed down a bit. I usually the one that initiates sex and "okays" the event.
My husband is very passive aggressive and is always trying to please everyone around him. He puts himself on the backburn and places everyone at priority. He usually grab asses, but he never really "takes" me or tries to initiate sex.
I do not want to nag, I do not want a parent/child relationship. I like who I am. I have worked very hard at being educated, independent and confident. He lacks self confidence and he has a lot of weakness. I love to have sex, but I am turned off by his, what I call weakness, but passive nature.
The longer we are together the longer I am starting to resent his lack of confidence and lack of strength. I want a man who is strong in himself and confident with himself. I have talked to him about this, but it just seems to distance us more. What do I do?
Build his confidence in a non direct way. Complement his strengths and accomplishments. All people have weaknesses but we all have strengths also. If you complement him on his, his more assertive side might start to come out. If you are of great self confidence he may be feeling inferior and less secure in himself. One question on your post.
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Originally Posted by lily08
I usually the one that initiates sex and "okays" the event.
Okays the event? Base on how you phrased this is it possible he fears rejection from you. That when he does initiate he will be turned down by you. Just an odd way to state that. If so granting his requests might help him to become more confident in initiating sex. You asked for a man’s opinion.
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Amp
Confidence – Love – Patience – Faith Are the tools to help heal a marriage.
Stating that your husband is passive aggressive, lacking strength and self-confidence paints in pretty broad strokes.
Is he loving? Compassionate? Kind? Introspective?
Or is he wishy-washy, indecisive, whiny, and have a case of 'poor me' attitude?
What do you love about him? Does he ever dictate the terms of any circumstances in your marriage, and even if he did/does, do you respect when he does so, or do you dismiss it?
What I'm trying to get at is whether or not your husband does have low self-esteem or self-confidence, or if he is trying to navigate the waters of your marriage in the hopes of being closer to you, by conceding to your wants and authority.
I'm thinking it is possible that there is a problem within yourself that makes things difficult for him to assert his desires with you.
That whole granting permission for the event thing.
what you want is someone who will both ignore your entreaties of "no, we're not having sex now." and please you by being stronger than you and grant your desire to be taken despite initial annoyance.
That is a very confusing place for most men to be placed.
Let's say he does decide to "take you" but you really do not want to be taken. And it is not this complex, no/yes situation you want.
You will be pissed! You may even feel violated and assaulted.
If he cares for you, what husband wants to make his wife feel violated?
What I think needs to happen is a discussion between the two of you about desires and wants. Plus, I think you need to notch it down a bit in the rejection arena so that you are approachable.
I'll bet it is clear to him that you are losing respect for him.
My husband is a very sweet and compassionate man. He gives a lot to everyone around him. He kisses and hugs, and is very affectionate. But I need more than that. I think that a strong person is a big attraction. I want him to be more individual, more independent, and more reliable as a person.
Amplexor, you are right. I need to give in to him more and that might boost his self esteem there. But in our marriage and in life, he has no drive, motivation, and all this goes back to his self doubt and lack of confidence. So what? We talked about this in depth last night. How can I help him?
Again that you can talk about his drive and confidence is good but I think a better approach would be to build his confidence through your actions. As I said, complement him when he does well. Coach him when he needs help. Confidence and self esteem are traits that reside within a person. It is part of them and cannot be easily changed or turned on and off. It will take time. If he has lost confidence over the years tell him how much you miss that. When one spouse in a marriage wants to do something that the other is not interested in at the time I prefer not to use the term “give in” but to “give to” the other as a way of showing you love them and will do things they wish. This is not solely related to sex but to hobbies, interests, outings, ... That spouse must in turn give to their spouse when asked. But I do believe in your case increase sexual response from you will bolster his confidence and he my become less timid on the subject. Communicate with him what you wish and desire and ask that he share with you also. Good luck.
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Amp
Confidence – Love – Patience – Faith Are the tools to help heal a marriage.
I agree there are things you can do to help bolster his confidence. Speaking from my own opinion, I have had some "poor me" moments that I'm working to fix, but I've also had cases of feeling undermined or treated unfairly. I feel annoyed at myself for being so insecure, and I know its not helping matters. Gf gets fed up with reassuring me on certain things, but others she could stand to be a bit more positive about (ie: if I do 9/10 things right, she should not just focus on the 1/10 that went wrong).
I like amplexor's "give to" vs "give in" statement -- that is very powerful.
Look, I'm a very domesticated man, myself. I cook. clean, take
care of my child, and I did all of these things while my wife was
running around on me. I stayed home while she went out and
f***ked another man. I understand your husband's "passive
aggressive" nature. He just wants to keep his home together.
Did it ever occur to you that maybe, just maybe, he derives his
happiness from yours? And, who the hell are you to "okay" sex?
I mean, yes, both partners have to be willing, but you need to
be more of a partner and less of a gatekeeper. Maybe it's the
"independence" you're so proud of that keeps him from wanting
to try.
If he feels like you'll likely shoot him down, as my wife did to me
for the entire year she cheated, of course he's going to be wary of
trying to initiate sex with you. My wife always complained that I
never tried to initiate it. The reason for my failure to do so is
what I experienced when I did. She was always tired, didn't want
to "get all nasty", or was just flat out "not in the mood."
Once in a blue moon she'd give me pity sex. She'd lay there like a
sack of potatoes till I climaxed. The last time we had sex it was
like that. Of course, her f**king another man for a year probably
went a long way toward killing her desire for me.
When you're married, you're no longer a being unto yourself. You
are one half of a whole. You need to let go of some of that independence
of which you are so proud and humble yourself a little.
It ain't all about you, honey. Now, as for your man, maybe if you
made him feel like a man he'd start acting like one. A good place
for you to start is to do like these other guys have said and play up
all that he does right. Compliment his sexual prowess. Complacent
or not, all men are at least a little ego driven. But,
you need to put aside a little bit of that alpha female bulls**t
for the sake of your marriage.
Whatever you do, don't cheat on him. It's a pain you can't even begin to comprehend.
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