I have been married to my wife for 1 1/2 years now, we have a 1 year old son, and am not sure that I want to be married anymore.
Before going off on some tagent though, I love being married, I believe it is a promise made to her in front of my family, friends, and god. I don't really believe in divorce either. I love having a family.
The problem is that she has been getting angry, generally aggressive (not physically), and more and more mopey ever since we got married. We were so happy before that day, and it seems like everyday since then it gets worse. I can honestly say I don't rememeber the last time she smiled, even a fake one.
She complains all the time that I don't make an effort. Well, to be honest, I don't anymore. I spent almost 9 months being pushed away, having my hand slapped when I tried to put my arm around her, gettting yelled at "because she was so tired", having her pull away "because it gets hot and uncomfortable to sit together", and hearing "she wasn't in the mood". So I gave up, I have had enough rejection, I don't need more from her. But every 3-4 weeks when she is in "the mood" she gets angry because I am not interested anymore. Frankly, I try to ignore what I think are signals, because 90% I am wrong, I just can't stand it anymore. I would rather just read a book, at least I know I won't be rejected by it. I am not even that sexual a person, never have been, but I do see that it is important for a married couple. Hell, she got a king bed and sleeps ALL the way on the other side with this gigantic body pillow (that I refer to as "her boyfriend") in between us. I ask her not to put it between us and she complains because her back hurts.
I recently got hurt at work, and have a back injury, so for 3 months now I have been pretty laid up. I do my best to help around the house and try to watch our son as much as possible, but I can't even life him up, so it is limited. That meant she needs to go back to work, since she had been a stay at home mom since our son was born, which at first she was okay with. We live in a smaller town where there aren't alot of jobs, so I thought up a housecleaning business. She's really good at it, and makes okay money per hour. For about a month it was great, no every time she comes home all she does is complain about how sore and tired she is. She works AT MOST maybe 5 hours a day, 4-5 days a week. I stay home, watch our son, and answer calls and schedule appointments. Now every time I tell her she got a new customer she gets mad at me and stops talking to me for the rest of the day (and sometimes the next day), she glares at me every time she leaves the house, and is furious when she gets home that the house isn't perfect. What the hell can I do?!? I can barely walk, I am doing the best I can, it just about kills me to stay in the kitchen long enough to make dinner every night. I have fallen down the stairs 3 times now to do laundry, then I have to crawl back upstairs (literally crawl), and she gets mad because I left the clean laundry downstairs. How am I supposed to carry the damn thing up here?
Besides when I was working I worked NO LESS than 40 hours a week, sometimes closer to 70 a week, and it was a brutal backbreaking job. I would come home so dirty and tired EVERY NIGHT that I wouldn't touch anything until I got out of the shower. And when she wasn't working she didn't mind at all taking care of things. She works MAYBE 5 hours a day and is so exhausted she refuses to help me with anythng then yells at me for doing it wrong or not having time yet.
She also went to her doctor and was diagnosed with severe depression and possible bi-polar, but she refuses to see a therapist or get the prescriptions filled because it "costs to much". I keep telling her that I don't care what it costs, if it makes her feel better than it's worth it. Then she tells me in the so completly unhappy way she can that she is happy and to stop bringing it up.
We also tried counseling about 2 months ago, but she decided it wasn't working (after our pastor told her maybe she should stop putting everybody down and try to make positive comments) which also resulted in us stop going to church, as she refuses to go now.
And we have a 1 year old that has entered the "daddy" phase, so she goes around telling everybody, especially me, that our son hates her (he's one!, give me a break) and she doesn't know what she is doing wrong. Which, as of today, became that I am now not strict enough during the day which is why he acts up with her now and why he is so well behaved for me... even though I keep telling her it's just a phase he's in.
I do love my wife, and always have, but I am starting to wonder if it is worths staying with somebody who refuses to be happy. She complains that I never touch her anymore, and she's right... when you get pushed away and yelled at for it all the time, you stop trying.
I already feel like enough of a failure being hurt, I have never in my life taken a day off work, except the day my son was born, and even then I was almost late. I don't want to deal with being made to feel worse every day. I may not be the primary breadwinner anymore, but I am doing my best, it may not be perfect, but what else can I do. I am honestly getting to the point where I dread her coming home, because I know she will start a fight. I don't enjoy her company anymore, matter of fact I pretty well dread it. Please help me, any advice is appreciated. I want to figure out how to fix this but I am getting close to giving up.
You've got several problems going on. It does sound as though you have tried a variety of solutions and nothing gets resolved. Here in our marriage we have piled one problem on top of another problem until we don't know where to start. At least you don't have a 24 year old pile!
I would start with your wife's anger. When did she become an angry person and why? Perhaps it is the mental condition. If she needs medication there are ways to afford it. First, ask the doctor if he can prescribe her drugs with a generic available--many of these drugs are cheap. If the doctor wants to go with a newer drug, ask for samples. If samples are not available, many drug companies do offer assistance plans.
Is your injury short-term or long-term? Maybe that's bothering her too. If it is a long-term thing, does your state have any rehabilitation programs? Here in my state there are some programs. Could you maybe go back to school and learn a new trade that doesn't require much physical labor?
Wow. Can we say "Resentment!" Your wife doesn't hate you, she hates working and missing out on her son (tender years she can't get back), which sucks and makes her feel like a failure. Plus, you are throwing away good opportunities by denying her affection or sex. You have a 1 yr old. No woman wants to have much sex in her baby's 1st year, so please, grow up, and make love to your wife when she needs it. Be the bigger person and lead by example so to speak...Also learn the phrase that's worked for my husband over the years "It's hard to kiss the mouth that just got done chewing my butt" Really puts it in perspective doesn't it?
I agree your wife needs to take her meds. She feels under appreciated and that's why she bites your head off for not doing chores despite your inability to do them. It's been my experience that people project the discontent they have for themselves onto to others. Hence the angry person who lashes out.
Do you think she when she was a little girl she dreamed of getting married, developing a mental illness, and becoming a maid to support her family? Nope. I'm not saying any of this is your fault. Crap happens. It's just what I believe is going on in her head in hopes you can take it easy and cut her some slack. She's can't say anything nice about anything or anyone b/c she doesn't see anything nice in herself or her surroundings. It's really very sad.
If you are a praying person, pray for specific things in your wife's life. Pray for her physical, mental, and emotional well being in detail. Be a soft place for her to fall when she comes home, even if you don't think she deserves it, and let her know you are praying for her and ask her to pray for you. Do something nice, leave a thank you note or love note, or help your son draw mommy a scribble picture or something. Let her know you know how tough the situation is right now and that things will get better. Even if you aren't able to provide financially doesn't mean you still aren't the man she seeks to be her partner, shelter, and friend. No, she's not nice and no fun to be around, but we know why don't we? Some of it is beyond her control! Don't be ashamed to ask for help, be it family or church.
To answer your question, this is what strong marriages are made of, getting through rough crap like this, so yes, it is worth every bit of the effort! Best wishes!
I see a lot of problems here, and my stance is going to be part way between a lot of the posts already presented.
I see that you are very frustrated because:
- You can't be the breadwinner
- You are injured and in constant pain which prevents you from moving properly, let alone doing any work.
- You are harboring resent from your wife's anger and rejection (I empathize on this one)
- You are frustrated because you feel you are doing "as much as possible" and she isn't happy.
- You feel that she is being childish because she complains bitterly but only actually works 1/2 of what you worked without complaining (this is partially true).
- You want your wife to be happy, and quite frankly, nothing is going to change immediately.
She is frustrated because:
- She has to be the breadwinner now, and is not making as much as you were (does this mean money problems).
- She still feels she has to do all the chores at home
- She is scared of what the future will bring.
- She is harboring resent over her perception of your rejection.
- I am totally sure she senses your feeling of "its not worth it".
- The kid is a handful.
You both have plenty to be frustrated about.
It was not clear from your post whether you guys have had a PRODUCTIVE discussion about it. It sounds like you've both made assumptions, but have you really sat down and attempted to get to the root of the problem? Can you have a discussion with ground rules like "no interrupting", "no eye-rolling" "no cutting each other off in mid sentence" "no shooting down ideas"?
Maybe instead you guys can each write a list of your frustrations and agree to discuss and address each one on each others list, and the define some goals?
My opinion... if you love each other, it IS worth it.
We have tried putting it on paper, she thinks its "stupid" and won't do it. I used to try to talk to her about things all the time, only to get a "I don't care", "I don't know", "I don't want to talk about it", or "I am going to sleep because I'm soooo tired". Then when I insist on having a talk she yells at me because she isn't in the mood to talk, then shuts down and glares at me while I talk. And then proceeds to blame me because I am the one who always focuses on the bad. Well I would love to focus on the positive, but there isn't any to focus on.
In regards to the sex thing I don't think you understood me exactly, I am not a sexual person. I am completly content going 3-4 months without sex, longer if need be, I don't care. I went 6almost 7 years before I met her, I can do it again. The only reason I ever even tried was to try and show her that I still want her, which I must admit is a struggle for me now. She has really let herself go, and I am not talking about her size, though she has gained A LOT of weight, I am talking about personal hygene, and basic things, like combing her hair. So I couldn't care less if we didn't have sex at all, and frankly right now, I don't want to. I find it almost impossible to be attracted to somebody, regardless of their looks, when their attitude is always so negative.
In regards to the anger thing, it started maybe a month after we got married. I think the major start for the issue was that her family has all been trying to convince her to leave me since we got together. The main reason is because when I met her she had been taking care of her entire family since she was 16. I mean providing food, paying the rent, taking care of medical stuff, so they could all keep getting high/drunk/etc... When we got together I finally convinced her to leave them behind, and start living her own life. Ever since I convinced her to stop taking care of them they have tried to run me off, even going so far as to file a false restraining order against me (her mother), even though about a month later her mother admitted IN COURT that she lied about it to get me away from her daughter.
In regards to the drugs they are very cheap, I think about 20 bucks a month, which is sooo not an issue. She refuses to take them because she says "she doesn't need them" and uses the money thing as an excuse as to why not get them. At one point I even went and bought them anyway, and she proceeded to flush them down the toilet and yell at me for a few hours because I "want her drugged so I can control her more".
My injury was origionaly supposed to be short-term, but at this point it is looking a bit more long term. To compound the issue my old employer is disputing that I was injured at work (which is crap), but I have hired a lawyer to help me, but he told me it can take years to resolve these things.
The biggest reason I deny sex when she does want it is because she doesn't use birth control (says she doesn't like the way it makes her feel), and condoms aren't 100%, as our first son prooves. And to be honest I don't think I want another kid right now, I don't even know if I want another one period, and the risk of it happening is too high for me. Plus at this point I don't even knw if we will be together to raise the one we have, and I refuse to bring another kid into the issue.
To be honest this week was actually okay, until today, when she accidently spilled a glass of juice all over me (and one of my stupid irrational peevs is to get liquids on me) and I barked at her for doing it, and her dad was here (visiting for 2 weeks from out of town). I went to take a shower to calm myself down, like I said... stupid irrational peev) and I let it go. She hasn't. Now she is at her sisters and won't talk to me because I yelled at her in front of her dad, and she would never have done that to me, which is BS because she has done it to me before. I think I have every right to get upset when something like that happens, I know I shouldn't have said anything in front of her dad, and I did apologize to her for it several times, but she won't let it go, and to be honest right now, I am not so sure I want her too.
I have no argument with her being upset about saying something in front of her dad, but if I would have done the same thing to her she would have gone ballistic, all I did was bark at her for knocking it over and tell her to give me a towel. I think it's a crap double standard to expect me to be okay with it but it's not okay when it happens to her. And mind you even though SHE knocked it over, it was MY fault because I put it there, I mean... who the hell puts their drink on a TABLE, how stupid of me.
I admit... right this minute I am having a hard time giving a crap anymore, I am sure later I will be calmer about it, but right now all I can think about is getting a 1 bedroom apartment and paying child-support. I would be lonely and alone again, like before, but at least I wouldn't be getting yelled at all the time.
silverfalcon81 -
although I would normally think it is bad to withhold sex, in your case, if she won't use birth control, I think you are correct. Your current son is going to have a hard life ahead of him, and it would be folly to bring another into this situation.
If you moved out for a while, that might focus her mind, but do you trust her not to harm your son?
This whole thing sounds like a nightmare. Putting the pillow between you was a sign that she does not want intimacy. Clearly she was rejecting you. But you now seem to be rejecting her (birth control issues aside). you could give her massages.
When people are what we used to call "mad", you can not reason with them. What you can do however, is learn to be very very skilfull. I suggest you try to find someone to advise you on how to handle her, and bring out the best in her (if you chose to stay).
This can be done, but it takes real commitment. Your best bet is to see it as a kind of a game - where you can pat yourself on the back every time you win, and promise to do better every time you fall.
"He who worships me in secret, I will reward openly" comes to mind.
But you never know, things might look up. she was not always depressed, she might pull out of it.
Also, you need to get your back fixed. Stop thinking the worst is inevitable. Search for a specialist - who can recommend exercises etc. You need your full strength back to tackle what life is throwing at you.
Sorry it took me so long to get back to this (I forgot the name of the forums lol).
I have tried massages, rubbing her neck, and she always swats me away. She says "she doesn't like being touched" and she has never been a touchy feely kinda person, but at least before she would sometimes pretend she liked it.
Things were actually getting better for a week or two after the last post. We had a HUGE fight and she stayed at her sisters for a few days, and came home saying she was sorry and crying. She seemed to be a bit happier, though 90% of the time she looks like somebody has just killed her puppy, but if I ask her what is on her mind she yells at me and throws a fit because "nothing is wrong".
She has been growing less and less patient with our son lately, and I admit he has been 10 times more clingy to her and has started screaming non stop even when he is getting attention. Everybody says it's a phase, but the "phase" gets her so upset she starts screaming at him, then a few minutes later at me, then disappears to her sisters house for a few hours, to come home well after midnight and go straight to bed.
I have come to the conclusion with my back that they won't be helping me, so I have started a "at home therapy" thing with myself. I spend most of the day trying to build up the muscles and just force myself to work through the pain so that I can get back to work ASAP. Frankly, I am not so sure if that is for me to support our family or for me to leave the situation and fight for custody, I don't know what the right choice anymore.
Anyway... i will try to stay more on top of this post in the future. And thanks for the advice
I know that this is the men's lounge area but after reading this , I realized that maybe my fiance' pushes me away all the time because I dont give him enough credit for him working and doing the things he has done as we are both bi-polar that sometimes seeing eye to eye doesnt work well with us. I know that bi-polar people dont like to take there meds because once they do they feel the other partner is controlling them and then they stop taking them because they think they are better and dont want to be controlled truth of the matter bi-polar is incuriable.
In this case , I say -Cheaper to keep her ! With your back the way it is and you don't mind not having sex over long periods of time-you are perfect for your wife. Let her freak out -while you do your own thing. You tried everything. Just keep nodding your head , with a couple- "Yes, dear ." " Your right -dear " while watching the game. Rock On -Bro !
I am with a possibly bi-polar woman myself and feel your pain.
I supported my ex-wife for almost three years on my income alone while she did the stay at home Mom thing. We lost our first daughter to cancer and I slipped into a depression, lost my job and so she took on a job while I watched our surviving daughter, 3 months later she was b__ching about having to work and bugging me to go to work after she got home, I didn't because we wouldn't see each other anymore and she didn't trust anyone else to watch our new baby because of the trauma of having just lost a baby and not trusting anyone else, she left me and ended up with a guy from her work.
I was shocked and found myself mumbling, "but I did it for almost three years she can't do it for one?"
That's a kind of double standard and stigma about one person being the bread winner. it's ok as long as it's the guy.
Save a few exceptions which I'm sure exist out there somewhere.
you cant fix your wife but you also need to work on yourself. To be honest you both sound somewhat dysfunctional but your wife sounds worse. I think the poster cindy was way too slanted towards siding with your wife. It sounds like she is unwilling to pick up the slack while your hurt. I thought this was why we get married....to support each other through trying times.
I do think you need to work on getting your back straigtened out and take responsibility for your family. I have had a back problem for years and work very hard keeping it in shape.
MOstly I feel sorry for your son. He sounds desperate for love from a secure family. He needs both of you to step up and start giving him the love and support he needs.
is it even worth it anymore?
