When She Says, "I don't love you anymore."
Okay...first let me start with a little background info on my wife & I. We've been married for 27 years...yeah...that's a long time. We had only known one another for 3-months before we got married. The first year we were married I was in the Navy and left to go overseas for 6 months. About a month into my 6-month deployment I got the dreaded "Dear John" letter. She said things to me that just kinda blew me away...mostly about how I treated her and how I made her feel. I was really taken back by the things she said because I have no idea...all I knew was that I loved her and it was love on the 3rd date. Regardless...when I returned back to the US, we reconciled and moved forward.
Since then, I have always thought we had a good relationship but have discovered over the past couples of years that it was a total misconception on my part. It seems that I have been "dominating" every aspect of our relationship & decision making process and not building a strong emotional connection from the time we were dating to the 25th year of our marriage. In the 25th year of our marriage she announced to me during one of our typical "I (me) want to have sex but you wont' give me any" fights that she wanted a divorce. Totally stunned...I suggested we get marriage counseling at our church and we did. She was totally surprised to hear some of the things come out of my mouth about how much I loved her and how I couldn't imagine living without her...all these years...she apparently felt that I didn't love her. Don't get me wrong...there are a lot of things I don't like about her but in my mind...that has absolutely NOTHING to do with love. I always wanted her to be more like me. Okay...admittedly having an ego and high self esteem has always been my strongest attribute...not that it's worked out that well for me in our relationship. LOL
We only met with our church counselor a few times and patch up our relationship and I made "huge" changes in my demeanor & actions our relationship. She acknowledges the changes I've made in our relationship but only if I ask...she very rarely acknowledges any of my accomplishments without being pressed.
The past two (2) years have been going good according to me expect our sex lives. We've never really had a great sex life and if you go by the experts definition of "sexless marriage" we would fit into that category...not because of me but because of her. Over the course of our marriage when I would complain about our "sexless marriage" she would have a different view of it. Being a guy who likes to deal in facts rather than conjecture, I kept logs of our sex live for years and when I would present the results to her she would get mad.
Fast forward two (2) years later...I told her that 71% (I asked about every other week) of the time this year when I had asked her for sex she refused. She very promptly told me, on my birthday she didn't love me anymore and didn't feel an emotional connection with me.
So...here we sit...she is not sure she wants to move forward with our relationship and I do. Admittedly, I have built a brick wall between us for 25 years of our 27 year marriage but have been taking down the bricks over the past two (2) years. I feel she is standing on the other side of the brick wall refusing to turn around and look at the all the bricks that have been removed.
As you might have guessed, the number one thing that has always caused friction between us is our lack of sex. She is very open for me to see other women for sex but it's just not the same...if I meet someone that I feel could jeopardize my marriage...I eschew them. For example...a buddy & I were at a sports bar about 9 months ago...a super cute 21 yr old girl was hitting on my hard...and I'm 48. I haven't been back to that sports bar since then...I didn't want to risk what may happen...not sexually...but how sleeping with a 21 yr old super cute blond girl would make me feel...believe me...my ego was pumped when she was hitting on me.
The bottom line is this...I love my wife very very much and always have. I can't imagine my life without her but feel that she will "bale" during the first serious storm that comes in our life...especially when our kids are grown. I loath the thought of continuing our relationship only to be lose it when it is convenient for her. On the other hand...I'm worried that if we continue our relationship that I will become bitter because of our "sexless marriage."
So...my question to y'all is very simply...how can I reconnect, belay that..."how can I connect" with my wife since I don't think she's really every connected to me in 27 yrs of marriage.
Since I know the question will come up, what attracted her to me in the first place...my confidence. I carry myself with a great deal of confidence and women are generally attracted to that. How does she feel about my confident nature today...to be totally honest...I'm not sure...I think she sorta jealousy of it and likes to see me fail but not 100% sure.
Thanx in advance for your consideration!!
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