I was here a few days ago with my story of my affair...I got a lot of help here and I've been thinking since.
Here is what my plan is:
My OM is away on vacation right now with his wife...he is back next week..when he returns..I am going to ring him (not meet with him) and tell him to leave me alone, not contact me etc..to leave me to my marriage and he can go on with his and I DO NOT want to continue this affair or friendship. It's going to hard for me as in my heart I felt I had real feelings, but after thinking about it..I think it's more about feelings towards myself and infatuation with him and his attention.
I was watching a show this morning and it was on confidence and self image..I was crying when I was watching it. A lot of what led me to this affair (and I am NOT making excuses) is my childhood where I was not encouraged by my parents to make the most out of myself and this grew into self image issues. My Husband can't understand this as I have just been signed up by a model agency and I have worked hard to look my best and sometimes I feel great and I know I look great, that's what got me into this in the first place..I took the attention from another guy on the way I look and took it far to far..I know. I have some real issues..for instance..I don't have a DD bra size..I'm a B and in proportion with my body but like a lot of women don't feel I measure up and one thing that has got me is that my OM's wife is a large woman with a DD size chest and he used to make remarks to me about that and basically make me feel inadquate as he loved big breasts. My H on the other hand has always loved me, all of me and is very satisfied, so still to this day I have no idea why this OM comments meant so much..I think I just saw it as a reflection of me and it made me feel worthless..he was always happy though to sleep me..go figure! In the end I have to believe that OM is the shallow one not me and work on rebuilding my self esteem and my life and a lot of you have helped me so I thank you but now I need to stay strong and end this once and for all and never look back..I made a mistake, a big one, I know it, I'm very remorseful and hate myself for it, but I can put things right and be a good person my H can be proud of. Thank you.
Wow great job on the soul searching! It will help you more then you know.
Quote:
Originally Posted by scaredstiff77
I was not encouraged by my parents to make the most out of myself and this grew into self image issues.... but like a lot of women don't feel I measure up and...he used to make remarks to me about that and basically make me feel inadquate
Ok this might get a little too Freudian for you but this is your weakness. Im guessing in the modeling agency they are always picking you apart. You probably never feel good enough. TOM also belittled you and made you feel there was something wrong with you. Well, welcome to your childhood. Basically you are recreating the environment you grew up in as a child, only in the opposite extreme. You are trying to prove to yourself that what your parents did was wrong, and that you can be better. Anyway, that's just what i see and its something to think about. Be careful of the environment you create for yourself and always ask yourself how you feel in that environment. It might feel unsatisfying to be in an environment where who you are is OK because of your childhood. It will most likely feel dull and unchallenging. But that is the right environment, believe it or not.
I agree with the above posts. You seem to have been searching for something you already have. Your husband accepts you for who and what you are and loves you as such. This other guy is a cheat and a liar. He used you for his own ends.
Abraham Lincoln once said that you can please some of the people all of the time and all of the people some of the time, but you can't please all of the people all of the time...
how true this rings and there will always be those who don't approve no matter what you do, their reasons may be self-serving and manipulative if they see you are vulnerable in that area, they are jealous or they just may have a different opinion. In the end, the only thing that matters is that you are happy with yourself and it sounds as though you can take a step back and say 'hey, she's pretty great just the way she is' but take every negative comment to heart...push those negative comments back to the sender, especially when they are regarding your looks.
The opinions you should take to heart should be those of your husband who clearly loves you for who you are, just the way you are.
You have come such a long way in such a short time with your thinking & I really admire your resolve to change.
OK, this is my experience. If you don't want anymore contact with him, DON'T contact him in any way. Don't call, take calls, write, email, answer the door- no contact whatsoever. Any contact is encouragement to him and weakens your resolve. You don't owe him anything.
It sounds as though to me your are missing something in your current relationship also. You may want to research it a bit and find what works for you. The self-esteem issue sounds spot on. Are you constantly looking for others approval to validate your self image? If so, you have some work to do yet. Good luck.
I think she needs to at least send the guy an email saying no contact we are finished. The relationship is half her fault regardless of self image and who has a bigger bra size. Also then she won't wonder what he is thinking and he won't wonder what she is thinking. Send him an email with this header: "It's Over"
OK, this is my experience. If you don't want anymore contact with him, DON'T contact him in any way. Don't call, take calls, write, email, answer the door- no contact whatsoever. Any contact is encouragement to him and weakens your resolve. You don't owe him anything.
<<<<<<<EXACTLY!!!!!>>>>>>
PS You are admirable for your courage!<<<<<COURAGE???? MADE YOUR BED/SLEEP IN IT...WRONG???>>>>
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separated, honoring wife daily with AA, counseling, she deserves the best me i can give her.
[quote=scaredstiff77;13658..I made a mistake, a big one, I know it, I'm very remorseful and hate myself for it[/QUOTE]
Uh Hello... did everyone miss this crucial point? She "hates" herself still? That's a major factor in moving forward! If she still hates herself, then there's no reason to turn anything around. You need to love yourself before you can make any changes or it's just going to keep happening! You can't go on hating yourself if you want to change things. That's how this all got started in the first place. I dunno. Correct me if I'm wrong, this comment just SCREAMED at me.
>>>>Uh Hello... did everyone miss this crucial point? She "hates" herself still? That's a major factor in moving forward! If she still hates herself, then there's no reason to turn anything around.<<<<<
***WHAT!?!? SAYS WHO??? SHE COULD "HATE HERSELF" FOR A LONG TIME...TURNING "IT" AROUND IS PART OF THE PROCESS TO ALLOW HER TO "LOVE HERSELF***
oops..sorry for the all caps...typing with one hand b/c of stroke!!1
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separated, honoring wife daily with AA, counseling, she deserves the best me i can give her.
4 kids g16, g11, g10(happy b-day molly mouse), b5
Last edited by voivod; 10-17-2008 at 09:11 AM.
Reason: added last line
Update from me..please read
Re: Update from me..please read
Good for you. This may be difficult at times but you are doing the right thing. Good luck!!
