inlove

Hi,

I'm 6 months pregnant and my husband told me a few weeks ago that he is not happy with me. That I have pushed him away and he doesn't know if he can change back to the way he use to be. I asked him what he ment I pushd him away he said it was the sex. We have been together for 12 years (married for 2) but never lived together before that. He has a very high sex drive and I don't. He would do it 3 times a day if he could. I'm more like 2 or 3 times a week. I never really thought we had a problem. We have not had sex for over a month now and I don't know if he's cheating on me or not. I have asked him if he is to just tell me and I will let him go free. I don't belive in staying in a relationship because of a baby. He has also pushed me away in the sence that he doesn't really talk to me, he's not loving and doesn't even want to hold my hand anymore. We've been togethr for so long that I don't want to give up on us. I love him with all my heart. This is our first child so I don't know if this is normal for men or not. Please help me understand.

Thanks!

MarkTwain

It sounds like one or both of you is not a good communicator. If he likes sex 3 times a day, and you like it 2 or 3 times a week, how come it has been a whole month?

All I can give you is my feelings on the subject. If my wife did not want sex with me, I would not feel that she found me sexy or desirable. If she does not find me attractive, then I don't see the point in wasting her time or mine. I like the middle of a relationship to be like the beginning - hot. We have been together 19 years, so although there is not quite the mystery there was on day one, there is still passion, and the mystery has been replaced with the warmth that comes from familiarity and commitment.

Unless there is something you have not mentioned in your brief post, your husband sounds like he just let the frustration build up without complaining. And then he suddenly let you have it!

Can you elaborate?

inlove

I tried to communicate with him but he doesn't communicate with me. He keeps everything inside. I have told him how can I know what he wants if he doesn't tell me. Don't get me wrong I would have sex 3 or 4 times a day some days. But I felt like he just wanted me to trun on a switch and be in the mood. I told him thay he has to turn me on and I told him what I liked but it nevr happened. I didn't let it get to me but when I wasn't in the mood I would tell him and then he would get et upset and leave the room. Now that I want it more he doesn't. I told him know that I understand how I made him feel I will change. He tells me that I'm not going to change. I know he has been thinking about leaving me because I got him to talk to me abou it. After I pushed and pushed him and he got angry and yelled at me. He told him that if he leaves everyone is going to blame him because no one sees the real me but him. bUt he still tells me he loves me everyday. I am trying to let him know that I love you so much. I'll send emails, I'll write him notes and I get nor response from him. Its like he never even read them. He is coming home late at night he tells me that he goes to the gym after work but as the time goes by I don't know if that is true. He gets mad at me every time I mention him voming home late. He sayd that I don't want him to go to the gym. I told him I don't care that you go I care that you come home so late. I feel like I'm going through this pregnancy by myself. i've tried to have sex woth him and he tells me he's tired and the last time he was like what are you going? my reaction ws what do you mean what am I doing? he got up and left he said he was going to wash his car. I haven't tried since them because I don't want to be rejected. I've asked him if he thinks that we can work this out and he says he doesn't know. I have suggested counseling and he agreed to it. But this is all I can think about. Being pregnant with our first child should be the happies time of our lifes and it doesn't seem to be. I've tried not to have any disagrements with him to keep everything calm but it kills me inside to feel liek this day after day not knowing where our relationship stands.

MarkTwain

Why don't you ask him to tell you why he does not want sex with you any more? Simple as that. He may well be having an affair.

On the other hand he might be worried about not getting an erection with you due to guilt, performance anxiety or whatever. It's very embarrassing for a man, and men often go to huge lengths to avoid intimacy in this case. Coming home late, and going to bed after you would be a way of avoiding the issue.

If he is actually being deceiving and dishonest, then you need to find out, and act appropriately.

justean

some men dont like women being pregnant. its a put off.
but i think you should try and maintain communication, even though its difficult.
i guarantee you are not alone in your feelings. no one likes rejection. i did my first pregnancy on my own. hubby and i were split, it made no odds to me, but thats my personality.
make your baby your priority - not him. he might not feel ready in himself and seems as though he is carrying alot on his plate.
sometimes u need to push to get an answer.
it might not be the one u like- but atleast u know which direction your going in.

inlove

I have asked him why he doesn't want to hav sex with me. He tells me because he doen't want to feel rejected. I think in his mind he wants me to feel the way I made him feel at times when I didn't want to have sex. I haven't tried for a month and he hasn't said a thing about it. I want to try but I'm scared that he'll reject him like the lst 2 times. (over a month ago). I've even asked him if it was beause I was pregnent and he said no. He's not the same loving affectionate husband he has 7 months ago.

Farfignewton

If it is fear of rejection on his side then wake him up with a blowjob. He will be so turned on by the time he actually figures out what's going on that he won't stop you. I think that if you just throw it on him like that and pleasure him that he'll see that you want sex with him, truly. Now, if the problem is deeper then maybe it will come out sooner since you are fixing the sex part. Make sure to cuddle him afterward. He may not be affectionate back at first, but keep trying. If regular sex and affection from you doesn't melt him then the problem is deeper than his feelings of rejection.

MarkTwain

Farfignewton-

Yeah! That will flush the truth out!

justean

dont give up just yet. its to soon , to think your relationship is over. your just having a bad time.
i agree with farfignewton. give it a go.
either way , he needs to talk to you, try and get him to open up.
not easy and i know your trying - but keep going.
i also agree if you dont cut through the top layers - there is more going on thats he needs to look into. but his rejection causes you anxiety and little support - thats why i suggest - your baby is more inportant here.

Honey

Some men "not all" act up when a baby is on the way. I know someone that made a pass at a another girl right after their baby was born. Yeap..right in front of the wife and newborn baby. Some men "not all" can't handle being a daddy for the first time. I guess they think life is over for them or something..I don't know. Some men "not all" need to grow up. They dont mind
having sex, or getting married, but add on a sweet little angel to the picture, and the fools think all kind of things like.. she'll love the baby more than me.. I won't get enough sex after it is born, and to add on some more work on them after they come home..is a BIG no no to some men. Some don't like getting up at night with the baby. I never got that.. they will stay up to watch back to back ball games, but have a cow to have to for their own child. See how your husband is after the baby comes, If he isn't acting better and being a husband and a good father, than you may want to think about leaving him.

inlove

Thanks everypne for the adivse. The last time I tried to have sex with him I was giving him a blow job and I could tell that he wasn't enjoying it and he said what are you doing I was like what doyou mean what am I doing. He also said why are you doing this? I asked him if he wanted me to stop. He said why so you can get mad at me for not having sex with you? I normaly would not give him a blow job but the few times that I did he rally liked it so I figure why not do what he like. right?? I can't stop thinking about sex I don't know if its because I can get it or what. I bought a vibrator on line the other day. I don't know if I should tell my husband or not. This is not like me to buy sex toys but I need something. You know what I mean? I don'tif he will see it a me not wanting him. I wrote him a note the other day and left it on the counter when I left to work sharing with him my feelings about the sex issue and that I want to have sex with him.. He came home that day and didn't say a word about it. I asked him if he read it and he said yes and that was all. I didn't bring it up again because I know when he doesn't want to talk about thing and I push it then we end up arguing. We have an appointment next week with a marriage counselor hopefully it will help us. Part of me feels like you don't want to be with me any more then just leave so we can get it over with. Being pregnant and going through this is a little overwhelming. But I do love him with all my heart I just cn't put up with this for much longer. Something has to change.

wanderluster

Lay it all on you marriage counselor, in the meantime, just forget about all the stress of the relationship. Your relationship stops being something you can control from the moment you give yourself over so completely. It especially feels that way when you are pregnant. I can promise you one thing. YOU ARE NOT AS RATIONAL AS YOU MAY THINK. That doesn't mean your husband is probably right, it means that you are taking your situation more to heart than you would ever have to otherwise, because your hormones and feelings are out of whack. It's actually a good thing that you know now that avoidance of sex makes the relationship very unhappy. You need to consider for yourself if that is deep enough for you. I can tell you though, that more babies should be off the menu. When you have your baby take a full year to a year and a half to get your hormone level to equalize, and then re-evaluate.

Good luck.

inlove

Thank you! You are probably right. I take things to heart. I'm just going to worry about me and my baby. That is the only thing I have control over. Its just hard because I always thought that things would be diffrent when I got pregnant. I mean I htought they would be good. He comes home and gives me a kiss on hte check and says I'm home. Then the same thing in the morning when we go to work. He doesn't hold me (he hasn't for he last few months) I've told him that I need to feel like I have his support. I honestly don't think he klnow how to be supportive. I hope the counseling helps.

I feel like I get more attention from men I work with then my own husband. My husband always has something to do on the weekends. I mean he loves golf so he's been playing pretty much every weekend. He'll be like ..I'm going to go play some golf.. I'll be back... 5 hours later he's home. I just feel like he doesn't want to spend time with me or is avoiding something. It bothers me when he leaves because I feel so lonely. He still goes out with his friends for drink and play pool and I'm stuck at home and he doen't seem to care. Its like he's almost afraid that when the baby is born he won't be able to to any of that and he is trying to get it all out. My life changed the moment we found out I was pregnant but I don't think he realizes that. He's in a way is still normal. (as normal as can be). OK I'm leaving for work. Have a good day everyone!