She thinks she has to nag me because I won't do anything otherwise.
I maintain that I DO take care of a LOT on my own, and that she takes all that I do for granted.
I'm tired of talking about it, because discussion is always a deadlock between these two views. "You won't do anything if I don't remind you". "Yes I will, but its not fair for you to get mad if things aren't already done the second you want them to be".
Has anybody managed to eliminate nagging or is it just something I'm always going to have to smile and nod and put up with until I'm deaf or dead?
Note: please do not say that the solution is to "get everything done before she has to ask you". While that is a noble goal, its also like saying "just earn more money and your money problems will go away" or "just get smarter and you'll be able to pass the course".
I feel a bit disingenuous about what I said in your other thread. All those techniques only work after the basic platform is in place. The platform is unflinching firmness.
So if she nags you unfairly, you would say "I am not going to listen to your nagging" or you could tickle her. And then if she goes on, you just walk out of the room, and out of the house if necessary. When you come back, make sure you have a smile on your face like you "know something".
The trick is to reject the nagging without letting the atmosphere get heavy. You will need to employ that as well as the walking off, otherwise a sex strike will surely follow.
But here's a thing: If you walk out on a nag session - she will be desperate to chase you to finish the conversation. Chasing is chasing. You can turn this to your advantage. Experiment. Try walking slowly away, try running fast. There will be an optimum speed where she will follow you all round the house. Once you start smiling and laughing, she might just join in.
Chopblock - I am desperate to see you win this one - you deserve it. I feel it helps if you can see it as game. She is going to act the nagging wife, and you are going to play the defusing husband, that's what I would do.
The other thing about me is that I am crystal clear that if I got the "sex weapon" used on me, I would pack my bags. I did not get married to be celibate. Nobody does, but when a woman wants to force that on her hubby, a lot of guys just roll over. When a woman sees that you will not only roll over, but it hurts you immensely, they know they have a weapon they can use and re-use repeatedly.
If you were prepared to move out the next time it is used, and you make this known, then you have your line in the sand. Once it is crossed you must deliver. It's a bit like tactical nukes! When each side knows it's mutually assured destruction, neither side wants to threaten to use it. Hints might be given, but nothing more.
Off course it's a sad day when things get to this, marriage should not be like a war. That is why I put so much into writing about the cheerful flirty stuff because it's a positive "weapon" for trouble shooting.
There is no "winning" in situations like this. Its all about compromising.
From a female's point of view, I shouldnt have to feel like your mother asking you to clean up your room. For example, I know in my marriage, the few times I nag it is because i have asked repeatedly to change out a light bulb that i cant reach. WEEKS go by and the same damn burnt out bulb is still there. Another example, I broke the track a kitchen drawer uses. I asked him to fix it. He said ok, I will. a whole month goes by and nothing is done. I asked him once a week to fix it. So i fix it myself, like i shoudlve done in the first place. He gets mad at me for fixing! lol
So now when i ask him to do things around the house, i usually ask within a time frame. So far thats been working. "Honey, can you fix the kitchen sink within the next day? Thanks!"
Trust me, I HATE to nag but sometimes i feel like its necessary to get things done. I HATE HATE HATE HATE NAGGING. uugghh!
She thinks she has to nag me because I won't do anything otherwise.
I maintain that I DO take care of a LOT on my own, and that she takes all that I do for granted.
I'm tired of talking about it, because discussion is always a deadlock between these two views. "You won't do anything if I don't remind you". "Yes I will, but its not fair for you to get mad if things aren't already done the second you want them to be".
Has anybody managed to eliminate nagging or is it just something I'm always going to have to smile and nod and put up with until I'm deaf or dead?
Note: please do not say that the solution is to "get everything done before she has to ask you". While that is a noble goal, its also like saying "just earn more money and your money problems will go away" or "just get smarter and you'll be able to pass the course".
My wife got irritated when I would put things off. I would stop listening to her nag, and wouldn't do it. So once she expressed how much this bothered her we worked something out.
We have a dry erase board over our computer. I asked her to write down anything she wants me to do on there. I make sure to take a peek at the board every couple days. I know what she wants done, and she doesn't have to say anything. I like not hearing her nag. You would have to ask her if things are getting done to her liking...
---ut sometimes i feel like its necessary to get things done---
Yes, I get that -- I get that some women feel that they HAVE to nag or else <thing> will not get done.
What I DO NOT get is that often those same women take a lot for granted. For example, if you've nagged him to fix the light bulb, and he constantly forgets because he is doing other chores, working, cooking, cleaning, helping with the kid... whatever...
When you STILL nag at that point, he starts to feel like there is no point in helping because you are never satisfied.
Its MY house.
I guess what frustrates me most is that I don't feel like I get my due encouragement. Its like if I do 9/10 things, I'll get crap for missing the 1/10, and I'll be made to feel like i failed 10/10.
Maybe I should go on strike.
I completely i agree I do need to draw a line. I'm disgusted to admit that I know where gf's lines are and I wouldn't cross them, but I have FAILED to do the same. It is disgusting to look in the mirror sometimes knowing how much junk I let happen.
The time frame idea is OK, but I HATE being made to feel like I'm reporting to a boss. If she says "can you get it done by.... 9pm?" then I immediately want to push back because if something happens between now and 9 that prevents me from doing it, then I have to hear her self fulfilling "oh well I GAVE you extra time, I didn't nag you and see, SEE SEE!!! YOU didn't do what YOU were SUPPOSED TO DO, so you can't tell me that 'you'll get to it'"
---My wife got irritated when I would put things off.---
For a while, I even tried putting nothing off, and doing everything she wanted when she asked.
You know that phrase "when you put everyone else first, YOU come LAST"? Yeah, thats the truth.
I may discuss the possibility of a dry erase board with her, but there would have to be a limit to how many things were on it at once, and there would ABSOLUTELY have to be a clause that writing something on the board does NOT absolve her of any and all responsibility.
If the board gets abused, and it just becomes a dumping ground for any and every insignificant little task, then the thing will have defeated itself.
Eh, its all my fault for not being tough from the beginning. From day one I should have made her know that the slightest irritation and I'd boot her ass, then I wouldn't be here today. If she was more insecure, and not confident she could get away with this garbage...
I may discuss the possibility of a dry erase board with her, but there would have to be a limit to how many things were on it at once, and there would ABSOLUTELY have to be a clause that writing something on the board does NOT absolve her of any and all responsibility.
I wouldn't give free reign on the erase board...she can put things on it, but it should be your call to put a due date or an i'm not gonna do and it should work both ways
I completely i agree I do need to draw a line. I'm disgusted to admit that I know where gf's lines are and I wouldn't cross them, but I have FAILED to do the same. It is disgusting to look in the mirror sometimes knowing how much junk I let happen.
Alright, you have finally come out and said it in the above quote. So my question is why is this the case?
My only question is this: When she nags, does she know you're listening? Sometimes people say the same thing over and over because the person they're talking to doesn't act like they hear them or give any response. I get irritated with my kids when I ask them to do something and I get no response. I expect to hear "Yes, I understand" or something to know they heard me. I'm not saying this is the case. I'm NOT taking her side. I just wanted to throw that one in there to see if you ever give a verbal response or if you shut down.
I used to nag my H a lot. I used to expect him to do something because i thought he should. He also has a hard time saying no to me. but we both started doing a boundaries workbook together and ive learned a lot from it. i'll ask him to do something but i realize its me that wants it done so its not fair to expect him to do it. maybe you two could do a boundaries workbook together? i dont know if she'd be up for it.
The other thing about me is that I am crystal clear that if I got the "sex weapon" used on me, I would pack my bags. I did not get married to be celibate. Nobody does, but when a woman wants to force that on her hubby, a lot of guys just roll over. When a woman sees that you will not only roll over, but it hurts you immensely, they know they have a weapon they can use and re-use repeatedly.
If you were prepared to move out the next time it is used, and you make this known, then you have your line in the sand. Once it is crossed you must deliver. It's a bit like tactical nukes! When each side knows it's mutually assured destruction, neither side wants to threaten to use it. Hints might be given, but nothing more.
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Boy does that hit home Mark. It makes so much sense to read that. I got married late (36) simply because I talked to a lot of guys whose wives cut them off. I thought it was a good reason to not get married.
But my only problem with your solution is your basically threatening the entire relationship. My wife told me to never do that.
sorry chopblock to highjack your thread. Back to your point. I leave signs on a table in the garage that says "do not leave coffee mugs on the table". I did this because asking did nothing. Well the sign did nothing either. I think it's a passive aggressive form of getting "back at you" for whatever is troubling her.
I think nagging to some degree is part of the DNA of women. I also agree with you that you can never remove all the objects of nagging. They would invent things if they could. Life is full of stuff you can be nagged over. I do agree with MT that you can not let it get empowered by the other person. It's like jealousy. YOu just dont play the game and eventually it will subside somewhat.
My only question is this: When she nags, does she know you're listening? Sometimes people say the same thing over and over because the person they're talking to doesn't act like they hear them or give any response. I get irritated with my kids when I ask them to do something and I get no response. I expect to hear "Yes, I understand" or something to know they heard me. I'm not saying this is the case. I'm NOT taking her side. I just wanted to throw that one in there to see if you ever give a verbal response or if you shut down.
You keep nagging and the person shuts you out, your kids included. It's actually telling YOU something not the other way around.
I used to nag my H a lot. I used to expect him to do something because i thought he should. He also has a hard time saying no to me. but we both started doing a boundaries workbook together and ive learned a lot from it. i'll ask him to do something but i realize its me that wants it done so its not fair to expect him to do it. maybe you two could do a boundaries workbook together? i dont know if she'd be up for it.
Can you tell me where to find the boundary workbook?
How do you get them to stop nagging you?
and it should work both ways
