I just want the pain to stop!

mary27407 · 09-14-2008, 04:39 AM

OK, This is my first post, and I will apologize up front for it being so long, but here goes.
I've been married for 19 years and for the most part, considered it to be a happy one. My husband is loving and thoughtful and we ususally have a great time together.
Last month, (Aug. 18) I found his remote access email from work still open. He has been corresponding for about a year with a woman who is his client. She is married as well, and he has known her for about 15 years.
Among the emails, there were sexually explicit poems and song lyrics. The worst one was written to her just the week before. When I confronted him, he admitted that things had gotten a little inappropriate, and he was very sorry. For the last couple of years, our marriage has been a little strained, and I had to admit that I was not giving 100% either.
Though I was upset, I let it go. Then 2 days later, I found his password in his car, went to my office, and logged into his desktop. Then I found many more personal emails and poems, banter about a Christmas party that we attended last January.
His comment was "that was surreal", her response we "definitely wierd". She then commented on the fact that I was really nice and she liked me. His comment was, Yes, that won't stop you, will it. and she responded, "NO".
I spoke to her on the phone, and she told me what a good friend he was to her, and that the relationship had never gone further. He told me that he was in a very dark place and was lonely, etc... He has begged for forgiveness, blah, blah, blah!
We have been seeing a marriage counselor and are really trying to work it out. We have 2 daughters who worship their father and I am very concerned about what this would do to them.
He admitted to me that his feelings for her were just sexual, like that helps. He swears to never ever talk to her again, unless he has to about business. I believe him, but the hurt won't stop, and I am sick all the time.
I don't know what I expect to get from this, maybe a man's perspective. Also, if you are talking to a woman other than your wife about anything that personal, remember how much damage any harmless flirting can do!

Any input?
Thanks, guys.

MarkTwain · 09-14-2008, 08:14 AM

My wife and I stay in constant touch with each other at a deep level and in so doing take each other's pulse, so to speak. Under these circumstances, it would be impossible for one of us to become dissatisfied without the other knowing. When both partners are fully committed to satisfying the other, very little can come in the way for more than 48 hours.

Anyone couple who does not make meeting the other's needs the top priority in a relationship is going to descend into hell at some point.

We all have the power to be that giving. Do you think love, sex and attention are in limited supply? Candlelit dinners cost money but attention costs nothing. It's just ego that creates the sense of limitation.

ljtseng · 09-14-2008, 12:08 PM

I'm so sorry about your situation. Maybe you can take up yoga or meditation?

draconis · 09-14-2008, 04:15 PM

Your situation is a typical one. Partner A feels neglected in someway and toys with the idea of an affair or emotional affair ading more stress to the relationship. Partner B finds out to late.

Now you have to make solid decisions about what the marriage was lacking and what it will take to heal it and yourself. He is doing the right thing by cutting ties with the woman. He also should offer you an open life ie no hidden emails etc.

Part of the blame falls on you for not only letting the marriage go and snooping into his provate life breaking his trust in you.

Now is the time to find healing and forgiveness. It can happen, but both of you have to let it happen and work on the issues, together.

draconis

jockabo · 09-15-2008, 12:18 AM

Before I say what I have in mind, I want to be perfectly clear about one thing: I do not condone unfaithfulness in a marriage under any circumstances. It is a partnership you both agreed to, you knew the rules of the game when you started playing it, and just because you're not sure you like the game any more is not an acceptable reason to break the rules. *whew*

That said, you might consider the pain that he could be going through also. The 'just sex' thing sounds suspicious. Despite all the rumors, we men care for much more than just sex. What is missing from your marriage that he thinks he will find elsewhere? That is not to say that you are doing (or not doing) anything wrong, simply to suggest that some good, open, and perhaps painful communication will help you pinpoint the root of this wanderlust.

Deejo · 09-15-2008, 12:41 AM

Be prepared to go to uncomfortable places in your therapy. There is a simple reality to this unfortunate, and all too common circumstance; it doesn't happen in a vacuum
A man or woman doesn't wake up one day and decide to cheat on their spouse. There are things that have, or have not, occurred in your marriage that you both share responsibility in. Be open to that, and willing to examine what those issues are, and you can come out on the other side.

lonely_wife · 10-05-2008, 06:51 AM

I am sorry for what you are going through but I really feel for your husband. I am having an emotional affair which has now stepped up a level (and back down a level very quickly).

I don't know what the problem is in my marriage - I have always needed attention from men and a guy at work gave it to me - he makes me feel feel special, beautiful and wanted. I tried a few times to stop speaking/texting him alltogether but it broke my heart - I missed him more than my hubby.

He has said it is "just a bit of fun" but it has been happening for 2 months and we have has 2 "dates" - No sex! but a few kisses. When I think about him, get a txt, or hear one of "our" songs I get butterflies and my heart goes mad - I have not felt like this with hubby for 13 years! I have now asked for a seperation because I cannot stop feelings for this guy and cannot handle the "affair" so I want to be alone. The only downside is I know I am going to get hurt - he has hurt me already - whereas my hubby would not hurt me in that way ever.

Your hubby is probably hurting so much inside it feels like his world is falling apart and there is nothing he can do to make it better. Talk to him, find out what she is giving that you aren't? I honestly don't know what I'm not getting at home that someone else can give - romance and excitement I imagine, but trust me your hubby probable feels like s**t at the moment - I know I do.