just wanted to see from the other side - what are the most important things you men are looking for from your wife? (just trying to view things from his side to make our relationship better since it seems we men & women view things so differently.) thanks!
The same things women desire from their husbands. Love, support, intimacy, friendship, conversation, partnership, trust, attention, respect… I think men and women both desire the same things but they may be in different orders. I wrote these down without prioritization, just wrote them as they came into my mind. Next month they may come out in a different order. These things fluctuate with the environment and issues you are dealing with at the time. But in general I would say the top three are always the same for me.
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Confidence – Love – Patience – Faith Are the tools to help heal a marriage.
The same things women desire from their husbands. Love, support, intimacy, friendship, conversation, partnership, trust, attention, respect… I think men and women both desire the same things but they may be in different orders.
as soon as i wrote the thread, i had a feeling that is the response i was going to get! i suppose it is all common sense when we stop & think about it!
any specific ways that you love how your wife shows you love, support, inimacy, friendship, etc.? (ie - when you get home from work, your wife .....; after the kids go to sleep, my wife.....) i am just looking for a new approach to get a different reaction from my husband. we are always so bogged down by everyday life that i often forget how to show him all of those things besides cooking, sex, etc. thanks!
Well for me there are a few things sexually that really hit me like that. I am a physical being so those are important. I also love when she opens up and tells me something about herself or our marriage without me asking. Right now that has been a tough task for her. Those two are probably neck and neck for what gives me the love tingles.
I also love the little things. I love when she pre-makes the coffee, or rubs my shoulders, or lets me just sit on my lazy butt and relax after a long day.
thanks! i think i do a pretty good job with all of those things you are mentioning! my H is also a physical being so i'm always looking for ways to spice things up. i also love to catch him off guard by stepping out of my comfort zone. i may laugh while doing it but we always end up having fun (or just having a good laugh!).
you sound like you should be the one telling other wives what to do. You already know to give him exciting spontaneous sex, and cook food for him. Really those things are like 75% of what most men yearn for.
The often quoted book "the 5 love languages" is good for figuring out exactly what people value. I also use the quote "pay your partner in his/her currency". I mean, if you spend time making the bed each day, while your partner is indifferent about a made bed, you'll resent him/her because you feel you aren't getting the thanks for your work. In actuality, time is better spent figuring that instead of making the bed, your spouse would much rather you fix breakfast (or whatever).
So yeah -- I too am physical, and when my gf offers me "free" sex (that doesn't come with a price, or a bargain) and is exciting and spontaneous rather than formulaic, I think "wow, she's a keeper". When she actually acknowledges that I'm right about things that I'm sick of fighting over (ie: maybe we DON'T need to buy new furniture, we can just spruce up what we have, then we could save and pay down debt) I think "wow, she is a keeper".
Another way to look at this is to think about what men HATE about their wives, and then DON'T do that! Example: when men are trying to relax, women tend to think it means that they are available to do a long list of chores she's been fuming over for days. Instead of going "darling, can you get to that faucet, then fix the hinges, then mow the lawn, then..." just LET HIM RELAX.
thanks chopblock! i like to think i'm a great wife! the problem is that things still need a lot of work in our relationship. things have been terrible for the past year & a half! i think we're just good at pretending things are ok or ignoring the problems. i hate to be a nag! therefore, i became a pushover! i never bug him when he's relaxing, doing sports, etc. sex is never attached to any deal or bargain! i love when it's spontaneous as well! i am super easygoing & don't mind if everything isn't in perfect order. i just let him be, but over time, he let a lot go with the house, me & the kids. he was kinda what you would call MIA for a while. he is getting better - coaching the kids sports & things. don't get me wrong, he is a very good dad, hard worker, wonderful provider, etc. i guess we are just trying to find our way back to a better place. that's why i asked my original question, because i believe that for our family to be happy & work, we both need to be happy first! basically, i want him to put me first (not in what he does for me) in his thoughts when making plans, etc. just as well, i need to put him first, which i believe i do. i just want to feel like i am #1 on the list! i don't want my _ _ _ kissed either, so please don't take it the wrong way. it's just that i have taken a back seat for so long to so many things, i feel that i, & we, deserve it! i suppose i felt that if i did everything right & approached him in the right way instead of bottling up resentment & expecting him to read me, things would fall in place!?
Last edited by bluebutterfly0808; 09-17-2008 at 09:42 PM.
Reason: spelling
i suppose i felt that if i did everything right & approached him in the right way instead of bottling up resentment & expecting him to read me, things would fall in place!?
I would have thought the same thing as you did. I think anyone with a moral code and an understanding of the concept of fairness would feel the same. My Wife gets more out of me when she plays by the fairness book, I'm a stickler to it and will rarely break the rules. If she does her part I will do mine with little to no groaning, when she slacks off, as she usually does, I slack off.
Just remember that sometimes you can do all the right things, and STILL lose. Its great that you want to be an even better wife (you sound pretty darn good already -- better than 9/10ths of the wives out there) but maybe this guy is just going to take it for granted.
Just remember that sometimes you can do all the right things, and STILL lose. Its great that you want to be an even better wife (you sound pretty darn good already -- better than 9/10ths of the wives out there) but maybe this guy is just going to take it for granted.
i suppose that is what i am afraid of. i am not perfect! we have a very messy house & that is something i would love to change. it just seems very hard to get a handle on since we have 4 kids, our own business (which i do all accounting, answer phones-basically any behind the scenes work for it is on my shoulders), etc. i try so hard & rarely sit to relax. i am on the go & never quit until it's bed time! i am the one who makes sure all homework is done (3 kids are in school), bathtime is taken care of, clean up from dinner, laundry, put the kids to bed, take care of our baby in the midst of all of this, etc. and somehow, the house stilll seems to be in disarray!
i believe you hit the nail on the head when you say he takes me for granted! just when i think we are having a breakthrough, things just seem to slide back to the way they always are. when i ask him about helping out a bit more with the kids, house, etc. he always finds a reason that he is busy, stressed, etc. & i feel then like i add to the stress. that's when i go into superwoman mode & try to do it all! but i am tired & in light of this summer's happenings (have to read my other posts), i am emotionally drained!!!!!!
i always try to tell him that he should be glad that i talk to him when i am frustrated because there may come a day when i quit talking, & if that day ever comes, it will be too late for him. i guess i talk a good talk!
oh well, for now i will try to continue to be superwoman to everyone else!
thanks for all your support & replies!
Last edited by bluebutterfly0808; 09-19-2008 at 11:05 AM.
I feel like no matter what I do, I STILL loose, so the next logical step is to stop trying. That's where I am right now.
i feel that if i stop trying, it will be done. i am the type of person that when i come to terms with something, it is over. i am not ready to give up on 12 years of & marriage with 4 children. i'm still trying to think longrun for now! i believe we can find a happy medium! i just have to figure out how to not be taken for granted!
I would have thought the same thing as you did. I think anyone with a moral code and an understanding of the concept of fairness would feel the same. My Wife gets more out of me when she plays by the fairness book, I'm a stickler to it and will rarely break the rules. If she does her part I will do mine with little to no groaning, when she slacks off, as she usually does, I slack off.
how do you figure out what is fair for one or the other to have as their responsibilities???
what do you need from your wife?
