snix11

My husband says he's happy with us, but suddenly never wants sex any more. He swears there is nothing wrong, it's just him, etc.

I don't suspect any other women but he does look at porn on the internet.

I am overweight, but have been since we met three years ago. He swears it's not the physical he's attracted to sexually but the mental (should I believe him?)

We fu**ed like minks for the first six months while we were dating. He moved in, immed stopped any kind of sexual desire. We now have sex maybe once every other month.

He gets aroused easily, stays hard when we do have sex and has no problem coming so I don't suspect anything physical.

For a long time our sex life consisted of me giving him oral, then him rolling over and falling asleep. Seems like he's not 'into' me sexually, huh?

I got kind of tired of being the one giving all the time and stopped to see if he'd get the hint. No dice.

Still he swears nothing is wrong, he loves me, etc.

How do i get the real reason out of him?

Some hints I've gotten: (his quotes)

1. Before I moved in, we didn't really know the daily stuff about each other.
2. It's just the natural way of relationships
3. It's not you, it's me (won't elaborate)
4. No, there is nothing you are doing wrong
5. I love the way you give me bj's

Puts up Jessica Rabbit as his desktop background
has a huge thing for redheads - will tell women online that he thinks his heart just stopped if he finds out they are redheads.
I'm a brunette, but dyed my hair red for him. He said he didn't like it and only liked natural redheads.
The porn he watches is your typical stuff - hard core, skinny women, redheads and girl on girl.

is it me? is it him? how do I find out?

ljtseng

I never got the truth out of my H. I had to come to understand it on my own. he's a porn addict and was constantly checking out other girls. i was lucky to get a side glance from him. Even to this day I cant get a straight answer out of him. but then, i dont listen to what he says anymore. only what he does. so i guess in that aspect, he tells me everything i need to know.

Is it him? of course it is. he tells you he only likes red-heads, flirts with them, and then says he only likes 'natural' red heads. nice. and then goes and gets it from his porn girls. what does he do to show you he is attracted to you? there's your answer. he probably is happy with how things are. he's getting what he wants.

Is it you? my H would always say it wasnt me, too. to this day i still think he's not attracted to me. but the hard reality of it is that your H could very well not be attracted to you. what you have to come to terms with is even if he's not, that doesnt mean you arent. if he's not attracted to you, does that mean that every man isnt?? that's the real question. dont let this one selfish, self-absorbed guy dictate how you feel about yourself. just because one guy isnt, that doesnt mean another man wont be. But if you are starting to feel that you are not attractive in general, then you have to work on that yourself. You may not be attractive to him, but that does not mean you are not attractive. You have to do things to build up your confidence. Go to the gym, the spa, eat better, and pick up a new hobby. Dont do it for him though. do it for you.

Part of your loss of confidence is how you allow him to approach you sexually. after i learned about boundaries and who should have access to what, i started putting up boundaries in accordance with my H's behavior. I actually didnt let my H even touch me for awhile. Some nights he slept on the couch. If he didnt want to sleep on the couch, i'd go to a hotel. After i felt comfortable letting him touch me and sleep in the same bed as me, he would only see me naked if he was already turned on, and then only if i actually felt good about being with him, which was few and far between for awhile. it was really hard for me to do. i have a high libido. and of course it took its emotional toll. i was very lonely. but my boundaries really caught his attention. things are much better between us now, so it was worth it.

There was no way i was going to stay in a sexless marriage while my H went off and got his elsewhere. I gave him two ultimatums. one, he had to go see a counselor. two, he had to work on stopping porn all together. If he wouldnt then i would have left. i think you need to sit down and think about what you can do to help yourself and what he needs to do for you to have some hope for your marriage.

GAsoccerman

telll him to stay away from my wife! LOL (see my photo album)

How long have you lived together?

I guess it is just hard for me to understand this menatlly, becuase I am always trying to bed my wife, even after 18 years.

But there are allot of women that are just like him, so it is just not a man thing, it is a person thing.

Sometimes people get "comfortable" and forget the relationship side of things.

Maybe you should get some porn video's and watch then with him, and do some commenting on things you like....maybe that will kick start the sex life.

brad

he has no respect for you. Openly watching porn, getting blow jobs from you and treating you like that. I think he needs a bit of an eye opener. YOu need to force the issue much more to wake him up. I like the post about setting some boundries. Stop the blowjobs.

I know the opinions vary but my opinion is porn is real bad for a relationship. He is looking at all these good looking women and getting sexually aroused and satisfied online. It doesnt leave a lot of energy and focus for you. Mabe he needs to decide which one he wants: you or porn.

swedish

while porn use might work for some and not negatively impact their sex life, I think in many cases it does for several reasons

• gives them an unrealistic view on sex (it's all about pleasing me)
• doesn't require them to please anyone but themselves
• if an addiction sets in typically they will need more & more explicit stuff as time goes on

snix11

I did and have watched porn with him before. It's not a 'talking' kind of time for him, and he HATES talking to me about sex, our personal relationship, anything like that at any time. So i'm left guessing what he wants/doesn't want etc from me or us.

He'll watch the porn with me, get aroused then we have sex. But it's like he's not really there - ya know?

Thanks for the replies tho - appreciate it. As for you soccerman, keep yer redheaded beautiful wife to yourself

"Sometimes people get "comfortable" and forget the relationship side of things.

Maybe you should get some porn video's and watch then with him, and do some commenting on things you like....maybe that will kick start the sex life."

Yeah, he not only got comfortable, but decided it LIKED it that way. Me, i need and want more. He says he's fine with an open relationship, but it feels kind of strange to me to consider one.

Good to see someone happy and horny!

swedish

No. He watches porn to get aroused for sex...how is that not visual attraction?

I would think he's talking about being in love with someone for the person they are inside...but as far as sexual arousal I think the porn is taking over on that front.

snix11

swedish - you are probably right. And until he is willing to talk about that or admit it, I guess I'm stuck.

Funny thing is, i'm so frustrated these day's, i'm even watching Porn! I always fantasize about him tho when I'm watching it. I wonder if that is just a girl thing...

MarkTwain

I know a way you can change this round quick as a flash...

But first, let me say this. You are asking the wrong question: How to get the Truth out of Man...

He is already telling you the absolute uncomplicated truth, but you are in denial. To quote:

He basically thinks of you as worthless. But let's go into the mechanics of this. Once a man ejaculates he feels satisfied. So a generous man -and plenty men are- does one of two things. He makes the woman cum first, so that when he rolls over, she is already satisfied or, if he is not so bright, or perhaps because he came unexpectedly during intercourse when he thought the woman would finish first, he makes sure she cums afterwards.

But he is doing neither. Now it may well be that he has some huge hangups, and that these are making it harder for him, but it would cost him nothing to use his fingers on you, to good affect.

So to go back to my suggestion of turning it round. Resume the BJ's, - make them real nice and slow, and then just when he is about to cum. Stop. If you are not good at judging his timing, you will have to stop early, but this technique works best on the edge. When he asks why you stopped, tell him you want him to experience the frustration you are feeling. Do not offer to finish him off. If he begs -and he might- say, sure honey, make me come, and I will give you the best finale you have ever had! But do not, repeat not make him cum if he does nothing but promises to do it next time. I told you at the beginning, once a man comes he is satisfied and lazy.

One thing I must say though is that he is a lazy lover, and it's partly your fault for training him to be that way. Most women would not put up with the roll-over BJ thing. Once maybe, but not twice. By letting him do that, you have made yourself into a very undervalued sexual partner.


If a few goes of my technique don't work, or at the very least get him to talk to you about it, tell him to sling his hook.

snix11

Thanks for the reply. A couple of things:
1. I am VERY good at knowing when he's about to cum. I can time it just about any way I want, long – short – hurry up – intense but great. I've spent years studying exactly what turns him on and how to please him. But I can and have taken him to the edge over 12 times in one session and can keep him there. I always felt it was my responsibility as a good lover and good wife to learn every thing I could about what he likes and doesn't like, what turns him on etc. He won't talk to me about it, so I had to do the shot in the dark stuff. Once he's aroused, taking him where he (or I) want him to go is easy. What I've lost track of (or never really knew) is what causes him to be mentally aroused in the first place. What makes him go "hey, i'm feeling sexy today baby - c'mere" Before it just seemed that my mere presence was all that was required. Now, no matter how I act, what I wear, what I do, what I say - he's just not interested.

2. I’ve tried the take him to the edge then ask for my O approach, he just got angry, or promised he would right after, or some other way of getting out of it. It finally got to where I realized if he was in love with me, he’d WANT to please me and he wasn’t in love with me. I got upset, depressed and finally just stopped trying. He won't talk about it, so I feel stuck. He says he just wants to be 'friends' but still sleeps in the same bed with me. I just don't understand it.

3. Yes, I agree I had a hand in training him that way. But it seems he’s now HAPPY with that training and only wants to be interested in girls that look like porn stars. Er, redheaded ones at that!

4. What the heck does slinging his hook mean?

MarkTwain

Phew, you are making my heart race, what a waste of a good woman!

It means tell him to get lost!

Actually, he is at least to be commended that he does not mind if you take a lover. Some people put there partners through sexlessness and expect them to enjoy celibacy. However, it does not exactly make you feel cherished.

I do know techniques for finding out what turns people on, but why bother? Do you really want to stay with him?

How long has this been going on?

snix11

Do I really want to stay with him? Only if he can find his way back to wanting and desiring me and treating me like a woman and not a piece of furniture, and SOON.

I've tried doing and being everything he says he wants. I've tried eliminating all the behaviors he says he doesn't like. I've tried ignoring him for weeks (he didn't seem to notice), I've tried writing him notes and letters explaining how i feel and what i would like for us. I've tried being super sweet, romantic and taking the lead. I've spent thousands on marriage counseling - t0 which he gives great lip service and does none of the 'homework' which consists of making time for each other, talking, having sex, writing down feelings or problems.

I ask him, at least weekly how i'm doing. If there is anything I can do differently to make him happier or more pleased with me. He says 'you are doing great. no problems. i really appreciate how you are meeting my needs and eliminating the things that upset me. No, nothing I can see that you can change.' but he still treats me like furniture. On a good day, which is any day i do not bring up our personal relationship in any way what so ever, or complain about anything and act happy and perky like June Cleaver - he is Edwardian. He will say "good morning dear" and give me a peck on the cheek. He offers to get me things if he is going to the store. He is pleasant and polite throughout the day. I get an occasional 'aunt Sally' hug (you know the kind) and another peck on the cheek at night right before he rolls over and reads his book and ignores me.

And thruout all this there is no dating, no romance, very little sex, hardly any cuddling, not enough attention, no desire, no flirting etc from him. He says that he just wants us to get along and that we now have to be friends before we get any closer to each other. He also says - and somebody PLEASE translate this one for me - he's scared to be close to me and let his real feelings for me show because we've argued in the past. When I mention that we have stopped arguing he says that yes, we have, but it's WORSE when we don't argue because he's even more concerned about being romantic to me when things are going well. HUH? And I thought women were hard to understand.

So let me get this straight - you stopped wanting me, I got upset. we started arguing. you said you were breaking up with me but refused to leave the house. You reminded me every day that you no longer wanted me but expected me to act 'perky' and 'happy' so that you could get along with me. when i did, you said you didn't like it and now won't show me affection or romance because we are getting along too well. I give UP!

If he knows I've scheduled a Marriage Counseling appointment, he makes a point to be super attentive the day before and I will occasionally be allowed to please him in bed. The day after the marriage appointment he appears to pay more attention to me, then go right back to his usual behavior of ignoring me.

He spends 90% of his waking time either watching movies (more than 5 per day!!) or downloading more movies or reading or on his yahoo email lists, going to joke sites (like gorilla mask etc) and lately looking at W4M ads on craigslist or looking up old classmates on line. He says he's depressed which is why he watches movies so much, but that leaves me to do the bulk of the business and leaves me feeling pretty damn resentful.

If I have to earn 100% of the money for the family (we have six kids between us) can i at least get some SEX?? heh, sound like a guy don't I? *lol*

We met, dated for six wonderful, glorious months - had sex every time we saw each other (every weekend, all weekend and some Thursdays) almost every time for hours, and it wasn't unusual to have sex/cuddling/closeness/holding each other/more sex for 18 hours straight. He sent me love notes several times a day, emails, planned dates for us, and we talked on the phone for 3-4 hours a night, EVERY NIGHT for six months. Yes, i thought i had died and went to heaven. After six months of dating like this he insisted we move in together. After he moved in, things cooled almost immediately. Within another four months we were down to having sex only once a month and only if i almost raped him for that.

This led to me asking "what's wrong?" and him saying nothing is wrong, me getting angry or depressed and him getting more and more distant. more and more arguing ensued till this January (almost two years later) when he informed me (after I had just had our baby) that things were just not 'working out' and he didn't want to have a personal relationship with me, that he had 'rushed into things' with me and wanted to move out. WHAT?? Two years AFTER you moved in, got me pregnant and all that? imagine my surprise. Finally got him to say that it was the arguing, that he just couldn't handle the arguing any more.

We went to a marriage counselor and I learned to shut my big yap - not an easy thing for me to do - and just not cause any waves at all, let him do anything he wanted, or nothing. He became happy, we weren't fighting, but I became more and more resentful. We still weren't close, we still weren't having any sex and he was working and helping out less and less in the business. It wasn't and still isn't unusual for me to work 7 days a week, 14+ hours a day while he watches the baby and watches MOVIES. We have a babysitter, by the way.

But I still look at him and there is this rush of love and desire for him, even now. Granted, the more he ignores me and treats me like furniture, the less it becomes. But what a shame to let that kind of love go. And for what?

MarkTwain

Let's cut to the chase. If I were you, I would give him an ultimatum. Sex 4 times a week or you go.

However, if you don't want to go down that path, the harder path is to trick him into desiring you more. You simply have to stop him ejaculating to porn. How often does he cum per week?

snix11

*curtsy* Thank you sir, for the kind compliment - you are too kind. And that isn't all of my talents either!

Now will you PLEASE inform my husband what he's missing out on?

Sheesh... men! (present company excepted of course)

snix11

Are you suggesting blackmailing him into having sex? He's already complaining that I am controlling and manipulative when I even suggest we have a nice talk about our personal relationship or talk to a marriage counselor! Oh yeah, sex blackmail would go over swell...

Um... I don't think he does cum when he watches porn. Seriously. If he does, it's maybe twice a week.

Low testosterone? heck I don't know....

Anyway, he just suggested that I go work out and take the kids. Wonder what he's going to do while i'm gone?

Trick him into desiring me more? Could that actually work? Oh "oops! i didn't know it was you, wanna have sex honey?" Just how does that work?