My wife and I have been married for 9 months now. Over the course of the year when we get into an argument I tend to get defensive and instead apologizing begin endlessly explaining why I did something. There have been times when my wife came to me with concerns about a comment I had made about job searching and location (I am nearing the end of an assignment and trying to consider job opportunities in the same company as part of a forced move developmental program) but instead of apologizing right away for my insensitivity to the stress associated with moving and job hunting (not to mention my wife is graduating from grad school in Dec at the time of the move) I try to explain why I did that and that just backfires.
I know for sure my wife wants me to stop being defensive (and have known for a long time) and I have made promises to change that behaviour but have made myself a liar since I have not been able to change. I want to change that behaviour very badly. Now my wife doesn't believe that I will change and in fact says she hates me, doesn't love me, wants someone else...I don't know what to do...i am going to talk to a marriage councelor but wanted to see if anyone had advice on how to overcome defensiveness.
The next time you have an argument, SHUT UP. Don't say anything. Stop and consider. Why is she upset? I found these "rules" in another forum and they make a lot of sense: 1) only respond to a question, not a statement. 2) answer a direct question but do not elaborate. Period. 3) if 1&2 don't work, then rule 3) ask: "What would you like me to do right now?" That's it. No extraneous conversation, no discussion, no defensive attitude or response. She only says she hates you and wants someone else only to get to you. Don't let her. Call her bluff, ask if she wants a divorce. But do it CALMLY! Do NOT have an attitude. That's what infuriates her (or anyone).
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It ain't illegal until you're caught!
The next time you have an argument, SHUT UP. Don't say anything. Stop and consider. Why is she upset? I found these "rules" in another forum and they make a lot of sense: 1) only respond to a question, not a statement. 2) answer a direct question but do not elaborate. Period. 3) if 1&2 don't work, then rule 3) ask: "What would you like me to do right now?" That's it. No extraneous conversation, no discussion, no defensive attitude or response. She only says she hates you and wants someone else only to get to you. Don't let her. Call her bluff, ask if she wants a divorce. But do it CALMLY! Do NOT have an attitude. That's what infuriates her (or anyone).
I have used # 3 before but that seems make things worse. SHe might say something like, "What I want you to do is go pack up all your stuff and leave and don't come back."
I might also add that I have moved into the guest bedroom at her request.
Marriage is much more difficult than I thought it would be.
I have used # 3 before but that seems make things worse. SHe might say something like, "What I want you to do is go pack up all your stuff and leave and don't come back."
I might also add that I have moved into the guest bedroom at her request.
Marriage is much more difficult than I thought it would be.
Look at some of the long term success stories on the forums and how people have made marriage work.
I have used # 3 before but that seems make things worse. SHe might say something like, "What I want you to do is go pack up all your stuff and leave and don't come back."
I might also add that I have moved into the guest bedroom at her request.
Marriage is much more difficult than I thought it would be.
Tell her only if she'll sign the divorce papers without contest (I GUARANTEE that'll make her think twice!!). Otherwise, the only choice is to have the both of you grow together. Communicate. Calmly. No shouting or screaming. Rationally. Calmly (did I say that before?).
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It ain't illegal until you're caught!
My H used to be extremely defensive when id come to him with concerns. I realized it was because he couldnt handle the guilt. he thought i was telling him to make him feel bad. and he felt helpless because i shot down everything he said. I especially hated it when he asked me what I wanted him to do.
so i told him was to act like it wasnt him that offended me. I told him to pretend i was complaining about someone else. So when you talk to her pretend it wasnt you that hurt her, pretend it was some other guy.
Also, try not to think of it as she's blaming you. she just wants you to understand her. ask her how she is feeling. every time she brings up something you did ask her to keep elaborating on how that made her feel. Then just hug her and tell her you are sorry. Saying sorry doesnt mean you think you are wrong or guilty. it means you are sorry she feels that way and you wish she didnt. But keep asking her to elaborate.
She could be completely wrong in what happened and what you did. but thats not the point. the point is getting her to think you understand how she feels.
I know exactly how you feel, and what is MOST frustrating is when your "reasons" are perfectly legitimate, but she only hears them as "excuses" and gets madder. It feels like to her, it doesn't matter that you were late because the bank was being robbed and you were held at gunpoint. The net result is that you were late, and you were not accepting responsibility.
Sometimes I find that at least making an effort to take responsibility goes quite far, especially if thats what she wants anyway. The great tragedy of this approach though is that she's so convinced you won't take responsibility that when you do, she'll assume you are just telling her what she wants to hear.
I also want to know why it is that you have gone so far to placate her. Why did you move into the spare bedroom because she asked you to. It sounds though like you are too eager to defend yourself all the time, and that you feel you are always wrong. What is YOUR side of the story?
Do you assert yourself when you ARE right? I mean, do you call her out when SHE is wrong? If you always let her get away with it, she is NEVER going to accept any responsibility for her actions.
I was thinking about this while i was cleaning out the garage...
Many times, it seems like she has already made up her mind long before the first word of discussion has been uttered. Sometimes you'll just have to think of it like miranda rights (anything you say can and will be used against you).
For me, the worst was when any defense out of my mouth resulted in one of 3 things.
1) Dismissal: doesn't matter if my excuse was rushing to the hospital to see a relative's dying breath; NOTHING justifies me being late.
2) Deflection: whatever you said seemed iron clad in your brain, yet somehow she's countered, and is even madder as the justification you thought was your salvation lies gasping on the floor. You are left wondering "how did I not anticipate that".
3) Extrapolation: my LEAST favorite here... whatever you say in your defense reminds her of other wrongdoings. Your being late today over traffic reminds her of the time a year ago when you didn't get her to her interview in time because you were playing video games and how you said that would never happen again, but now you've done it again and now you are a liar, and (the bomb here...) what ELSE are you lying about and what can't she trust you about? Now you are on the hook for two things and counting.
All of these come about because we men are like deers in headlights grasping at straws. We panic, and say anything to try and calm the storm, usually to no avail.
As has been said, only a few things can help avoid the above pitfalls. Asking "what do you want me to do" shifts the thinking FORWARD rather than backward. If she suggests something, at least she is acknowledging that amends can be made. Trying to fix the past usually ends up with you worst off. Accepting responsibility (since thats what she believes anyway) can help too.
To avoid making things worse, the advice earlier about only responding to questions, not getting bent about statements can help you too. Remember when you were younger and you figured out how to get your mom off your back? You're right, I shouldn't have put a spider on my sister. Yes it was mean. You're right, I was thoughtless. I'm sorry, I won't do it again.
The more fuel you throw on a fire, the hotter it burns. Professional firefighters know that if you deny a fire one of the fuels it needs to burn, it will extinguish.
My defensiveness is serioulsy hurting us...
Re: My defensiveness is serioulsy hurting us...
