VONSTER

Hello, everyone...Im glad I found this site it seems like a good forum for some "neutral" advice. Im in a 2.5 year marriage to great woman that I love very much. Its her 2nd and my 3rd...that disappoints me greatly but thats another story. Bottom line is Im losing my wife because I guess Im controlling, negative and insecure. I dont know how to stop or realize I do it. I never thought I was controlling, I admit negativity and I am insecure especially now that things have gotten really bad. She has agreed to counseling but my insecruities are taking over and I dont believe its in her heart. What do I do? Is it over can it be saved? Im literally sick to my stomach.

evenow

Where did you get the idea you were controlling? The best way to overcome problems is to admit them, but being controlling is rarely something someone admits to.

I think counseling is a good idea. Even if her heart wasn't in it, going by yourself could really change the way you approach relationships and lead the way to repairing this one.

I don't think I can really say if anything in the relationship is over without more information. Have you been talking about divorce or separation? Who brought up counseling?

VONSTER

the controlling idea or theory came from her it was news to me. I cant say I can admit to it because I dont know it. I am insecure and negative those two I can fess up to.

Im constantly asking her for reassurance and things of that nature I guess thats a turn off but I cant help it when she needs space I feel as though the relationship is in trouble so I go seeking reassurance.

She has agreed to counseling I guess I have that to hold to. We are such a great couple to at least thats what everyone tells us. Im sad very sad.

evenow

Well I hope the two of you can work this out in counseling. No matter what other people think about your relationship or see on the outside, it's important that what's on the inside works.

If you're feeling insecure/negative perhaps there is a reason behind it. Have you had bad experiences in the past?

What exactly do you mean by you need "reassurance"? It's one thing to say "You know, when you pull away from me I feel like you're pulling out of the relationship" and another to say "I need to know where you are and who you're thinking about at all times!"

VONSTER

Im constantly asking her "Are we OK?" "Do you love me" "are we going to make it" things like that. Its got to wear on her I know it but I have to have it. I guess I dont function well in a relationship because I dont know how.

draconis

Stick around here. Read and chat more. Go to counciling. I bet it will not make you perfect but probably a better person.

draconis

kajira

Vonster...sounds like you need to take a deep breathe. I understand you need re-assurance which could be something you didn't get growing up. If your open and willing to change things can work out.

VONSTER

Actually I think she is done but ya know what I dont blame her. Youre right I never had reassurance growing up but I know I cant expect my wife to understand, stick around or sacrifice her life for my defects. Life really sucks it has not turned out how I wanted to it too. Im grateful for the 2.5 years I did have. I will miss the boys (my twin step sons) very much. Its weird theres always one who can do the dirty work and one who has to take it and learn from it.

draconis

Nothing is over until it is in fact over.

Worst case it is over and you seem to be able to except it. If that is the case then I hope that you learn from all of this and become a better person for the next mrs. right.

If it is not over fix your life and become the husband that you need to be to make HER dreams come true. It isn't hard but Everything helps.

draconis

evenow

I absolutely agree. It's not over.

Definitely go to counseling ON YOUR OWN. If it is a problem that you're carrying from relationship to relationship, you should try to find a way to nip it in the bud. Go read some self help books and talk to someone trained to help.

You deserve a good relationship. It's not too late to get there.

fire_vogel

if there's love there, and there's hope left, then work on it. don't give up.

i have to deal with my husband's insecurities as well... they used to be more acute before, they have decreased now, but they are still very much there.
he loses hope very easily on our relationship. when something goes wrong, he speaks like it's over and that there's no hope, and man, it's very very VERY frustrating for a woman to hear that.
to be honest, it KILLS ME INSIDE when he talks like that. here i am, trying hard to find a solution or FIX our problem, and there he is, telling me that there's no hope. there IS hope, we just have to FIND IT.

being a woman who constantly has to reassure her husband, please allow me to tell you how i feel... i'm tired. tired of having to reassure him constantly. because i personally feel i've done quite a lot for him, he should by now be able to SEE for himself that yeah, this woman cares, she loves me. i don't mind the occasional reassuring, it can be good for the relationship, a reaffirming of the feelings. but constantly? heck no. i'm tired. emotionally drained. tired of giving. tired of trying. what i NEED, NOW, is for HIM to GIVE TO ME so that i can feel buoyed again.

so... i think it's time YOU start GIVING some to YOUR WIFE. it's take TWO to work a couple, and trust me, when there's only ONE TRYING, it gets very tiring, exhausting. so HELP HER TRY, instead of her reassuring, try and work on your issues and find the strength in you to REASSURE HER.

one way of seeing it; she's given you so much reassurance, it's like she hardly has any reassurance left for her own self. so who's gonna reassure her now? the kind of reassurance she needs, can only come from you.

sorry if i seemed a bit harsh... it's just that i feel for her, and for you too.

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VONSTER

Fire Vogel, you are not harsh at all!!! I was hoping for a womans prespective. This chat room helps a lot you guys are great. I kind of think of my wife as a bank vault and Ive taken too many withdrawls without deposits. My wife has done a lot for me but how do I give back to her? How do I reassure her?

fire_vogel

vonster, am glad to see that you took my words positively and are trying to move forward and find solutions.

well, what i would like my husband to do to make me feel better, the 'deposits' i need from him, would be signs to show me that he trusts me. i would like to see and hear as well that he trusts me and believes in the love i have for him, that he knows he can have faith in this love we share.

so do that for her, show her that you trust her and that you have faith in this relationship. be POSITIVE, have a POSITIVE OUTLOOK on life in general, but specially on the future of your love. but don't neglect the present.
you love her, you want her and need her, SHOW HER THESE THINGS.

little signs of love: you can offer gifts, but to be honest, a single flower does it for me. it just makes me feel totally cherished. sweet notes, along with the flowers or separately... text her from time to time, just to let her know you're thinking of her or that you find her beautiful and things like that.

spend QUALITY TIME WITH HER. take her out on dates (i know you can't do that often, but try to do it once in a while).

reaffirm the position you have as the man of the relationship, give her the support she needs emotionally. a relationship is something a person can't pull off alone, like i said, it takes TWO to make it work.

when spending time with her, communicate with each other. talk to her, but get HER to talk TO YOU. LISTEN to her, give her understanding. LISTENING... it does so much wonders. if she feels LISTENED by YOU, and eventually UNDERSTOOD as well (so you'll really have to listen), she'll feel safe and will be in a better and more receptive position towards you and your relationship.

so stand up, stand tall, BE THERE FOR HER and let her know that you ARE there FOR HER.

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lillylove

hello there...
My husband and i are currently going through problems right now and i am the one needing constant reassurance.....I want to know that he isn't going to leave me, that he still loves me. he too has agreed to seeing our therapist, that is a good sign right?

This whole things sucks as I am usally the strong one, not really needing him (well at least not voicing it) very confident and self assured, i was blown away when two weeks ago my husband told me he wanted to leave me.....due to the fact that he felt i didn't love him and he felt lonely.

He didn't ask me to change, i did from that night on, it is the hardest thing in the world though to open up myself knowing that he stil might leave me.......

i feel your pain......

draconis

As strong as you might be, that is why communication is so important in a relationship.

draconis