mic1708

Hi,
I need some advice. I don’t know whether this is my fault or both my wife and myself. We have been married for 12 years now, have three beautiful children and even talking about having a fourth. We have everything that we need in life and from the outside looking in everything looks perfect.
My problem is sex, or my wife’s lack of interest in it to be exact .From my point of view everything else in life seems to come before getting intimate. There is no problem when we are making love but it’s getting there that is actually the problem.
At weekends when the kids go to bed or in the evenings we will sit down and maybe watch TV for a while, but in no time at all she will be asleep on the couch. Every now and again she will wake up and say something but will soon go back to sleep. This will go on until I say “Let’s go to bed”, she will then wake up. I will go to bed but she will stay on. I don’t know if she goes back to sleep or if she now starts to watch TV. She will then come to bed about 0.5/1 hr later. As soon as her head hits the pillow she is asleep again. When I try to initiate sex, she is lifeless and just lies there asleep unless I persist for a long time. I could be rubbing her breasts or giving her oral and next thing she will fall asleep. I will feel very demined, have lost interest at this stage and will usually turn over and give up. She will then wake up get into the swing of things and everything is fine from thereon in. As I say when we get going we are fine, we have experimented and used toys etc, but it’s getting to this point that is the problem. Sometimes when she doesn’t wake up I will masturbate beside her but it just isn’t the same.This is not a new thing as it also used to happen before we got married. We have had several rows about this but only after I get mad after her falling asleep.
I have tried setting the mood with candles, romantic dinners, baths and even candlelit massages. These will work fine, but only the once, after that it’s back to normal. Should I need to set the mood every time I want to make love or should I be asking her in advance to make love that night in order to prevent this from happening?

Now I am no fool, I realise that my wife works hard at her job as well as looking after the house, preparing dinners, looking after the kids etc. I help her with all of the above as we probably split the chores 45/55. (She will admit this herself). I know that it is hard to keep all the balls in the air, I am under just as much pressure as I have a day job and also run my own business from the house in the evenings. I feel that our relationship is being left to the last and will suffer in the long run. I don’t want this problem to fester and get out of proportion and lead to worse things.

Any advice or comments would be greatly appreciated.

draconis

Some people need more sleep then other and comparing your needs to your wife isn't fair to her.

If the one shots work why not do them every time? Maybe that is what she lacks or wants from the marriage.

Communicate your concerns to her and see where she is at.

draconis

Jewel

I think you need to talk to her, let her know that you have concerns. It's really not her fault, and not up to you to get mad at her, if you have not voiced what you want from her.

tater03

I am a women that is going through this. I do the same thing as your wife. I don't fall asleep but it is like this big white elephant in the room at times. I can tell you want helps me is when my husband doesn't pressure me and actually when he brings it up it actually helps. I know it sounds weird but we then are not sitting their wondering if we are going to have it.

Tag

I think you should just give her a hint or leave a note (just for her) that tonight you'll be having it. Inform her in advance. Maybe she's too tired to wait & see if you want to have it or not. If she's sure you do, she probably will wait.

kajira

Sleep is a precious thing to those of housewifes that do not seem to get enough of it. I agree with Tag, try setting up something special and let her know you "want" her. Maybe this way she can look forward to it and enjoy it more....

draconis

You can also try in the shower or standing in the bedroom, much harder to fall asleep that way.

draconis

mic1708

Thank you for all your replies, I really appreciate all your advice and it has given me a new way of thinking from another person’s point of view.

Liza

You could also try dating her again, bring her chocolate, sweets, cards, whatever it is she loved during your courtship, treat her well from in the morning. I think these will help.

greenbaglady

if you think that sex is on your mind one night could you maybe make her a cup of coffee that night or if she likes a little wine or mixed drink (my husband when he gives me the hint hes in the mood will hand me a high ball glass of jagermiester and pepsi lol )
maybe that little *spike* will give her just enough energy to stay *UP* with you
i know some people are against "planning" sex but maybe you could wait til friday night or saturday night when she has time to relax a little more during the day so she'll be up at night.

draconis

Hey I find nothing wrong with planning sex infact we often have too. The wife works and goes to college, I own my own store. We have four kids and they are never at a sitters, we take care of them. So needless to say time is a factor. Sometimes planning is the only way to get things done.

draconis

debrajean

I'm going to have some of the same opinions as tater. If you're pressuring her into sex then she's just not going to be into it. Here's something you might want to try, instead of getting around to sex just b4 bedtime, why not plan it ahead? Try it a few hours b4 you're both ready to hit the sack. Or have you ever heard of 'afternoon delight'? The change of timing might be the shake-up you both need.

stav

With everything the two of you have to contend with, I'm amazed you found the time!

If your wife is not a night person, why not try early in the morning before you both get up for the morning routine? Have an afternoon off, when the kids are at school and surprise her.

SageMother

Don't try having sex standing up, she will be worried about falling down, waking the kids, and won't enjoy it.

I know that if I had 3 kids and another pregnancy was possible, I wouldn't have too much sex drive. Being already tired and remembering pregnancy, giving birth, and infants would push sex WAAAYY down the list of priorities!

LOL

draconis

Try waking up a litle early that maybe the ticket as someone else suggested.

draconis