Unhappy in LA

My wife and I have been married for nearly four years. We dated for about a year and a half before getting hitched.

Right off the bat I'll admit that I have always had problems with drinking and other substances (Mainly I think because I have used them to forget about my problems. I never used around her, and rarely drank around her, so she is not really aware of any of those problems).

Our relationship since marriage has been very much like that of roommates who occasionally have sex. She really seemed to lose nearly all interest in sex after the wedding. In my mind the main problem in our relationship has been that, also the fact that she would spend most of her time at work and I did not see her much.

For the first two years we were living in Japan (where I met her) and she would often work overnight coming home after I had already left for work. When she was home she wanted to sleep a huge amount, often sleeping in till after noon on the weekends. We typically go a month to two months without having sex, even though I try and initiate physical contact. Over time my drinking got worse, mainly because when she would not come home I would go to the bar with my coworkers/friends because I hated sitting at home alone. After we moved to America it stayed the same, perhaps a little worse.

I typically spend three nights a week at my single guy friends homes just hanging out because she is totally absent. We used to go out to the clubs or out to dinner while we were in Japan, but over time even those times together stopped happening. I would try to make plans, but inevitably something would come up at work and she would bail out. She has missed my birthday parties etc just because she had to work, even though I gave her several weeks notice. I have tried on many occasions to talk with her about the lack of time spent together and the nearly total lack of any sort of physical relationship.

She never really seemed to put any effort towards trying to work any of our issues out. She finally got so fed up with my complaints that she suggested that since I was horny (and she was not) that I look elsewhere for sexual fulfillment. I of course became angry over this (this happened about a month ago).

I finally came to the conclusion that if she no longer had any desire to work the issues out that I would ask for a divorce. I broke the news to her, and she barely reacted. She said she would think about it, and left. She went to a hotel to spend the night, but did not really make it clear where she was going. I don't know what I expected to happen, but I certainly thought that she would not act the way she did.

She came back last night and asked if I had gotten with anyone else (I have not, and I have never cheated on her the entire time we have been together). After I said no, she stated that she now realized that withholding sex from me was an issue and that she was now willing to try counseling. I had tried to get her to go with me to counseling in the past, but she had always talked me out of it.

I am at a loss now. I love her, and was rather miserable when she left, but I keep reminding myself how much her past behavior has made my life miserable. I keep thinking that if I take her back that all the same problems are going to be there, and that she will continue with her current behavior. She loves me I think, but has no idea how to have a healthy sexual relationship.

I want to try, but I don't know if I can muster up the energy to. I've given so much to try and make things work out, but I never got the sense that she was willing to change anything. She was perfectly fine with me jacking off to porn instead of having sex with her. I thought for a while that I could put up with this.. but its not working.

I really have no idea what to do at this point. Half of me wants the divorce, and the other half wants to go running back to her

mollyL

Didn't you say that your wife is now ready to go to counseling and that she realizes now that she was withholding sex from you? It sounds to me like your wife has a problem with expressing emotion and that what you take as disinterest may be instead be her total inability to express herself. I don't understand that right after that important bit of information, you said "I am at a loss?" Quick, find a therapist and go TOGETHER so you can learn how to express yourself to each other!!

Unhappy in LA

I am willing to go to counseling, I'm just at a loss because all this time I have been suggesting it and trying to work these issues out, but she was never willing. I guess it took me asking for a divorce for her to finally get rattled enough to accept my suggestions. I am just not sure that at this point I have enough desire left to actually work things out (Its also the fact that I don't really believe that she is capable of changing)

draconis

It sounds like she never really understood the problem as serious or thought that the problem was that bad. It also sounds like she is willing to try, so why not give it atleast one shot.

On a personal level you should also give up the drinking too, you'll save yourself a ton of money.

draconis

Unhappy in LA

I already gave up the drinking thinking that it would help our relationship.

Yeah right. It just made me feel worse because I did not have anyone there AND i was sober

Ditto with the rest of it. I quit smoking ganja at the same time. She actually started drinking once I quit (she never drank before)

stav

oh dear, this is a mess isn't it? Is your wife Japanese? I don't want to make too many assumptions, but her background may have a bearing on her behaviour. Her job for instance, is it very high paid, high pressure type stuff? Can she not cut back on it? The other thing is that if she is Japanese, the discussion of feelings about love and sex may be an alien concept, much like it is in the greek community i am from.

The fact that she has now realised this is a real issue for you, and wants to try counselling, shows that she loves you enough to go against her instincts and upbringing, to try and sort things out with you.

Tell her you are willing to give it a go, but that you expect her to slow down a little on work, and to talk to you properly, and make time for the two of you together.

The drinking might stop being an issue once the two of you are happier together.

Good luck!

draconis

I had a father-in-law that gave up drinking almost 20 years ago because it had cost him everything. In the end he was a much better man for it. You may have went through DTs when you quit.

If you end in a divorce then you don't want the baggage of alcoholism, and if the marriage is fixable then it can get in the way too.

I understand that it is a short term solution to mask the problems but in the end those problems are still there.

I wish you the best of luck and I hope you let us know how each step goes.

Remember we are here for you too.

draconis

Unhappy in LA

Yes she is Japanese. I really think the drinking is more an issue for me than it is for her. She never really cared too much about it.
I told her I was willing to go to counseling. She still is gone all weekend working and going to industry parties, even after I asked for a divorce. It does not seem to be connecting. She went and bought me some gifts, and that was it. It seems like she thinks that buying things and agreeing to go to counseling is enough to get me back.

I understand that she is coming from a different culture and all. I lived over there long enough to realize that I cannot expect the same behavior from her as I can from an American girl. Still it seems that if she really was committed to working things out she would at least try to take some time off to work things out instead of continuing to work around the clock.

bhappy3

Seems to me that she is trying, she just doesn't know HOW to have a relationship. And there is the huge cultural difference that seems like it's playing a heavy role. Maybe do some research on Japanese relationships, even if it's just to get a grasp on what she knows and has grown up with.

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draconis

Most of the time it is the men that do not know how to communicate, it is reversed in your situation and you need to communicate to her in a way she will understand the gravity of what you are saying.

draconis

stav

It sounds to me as she doesn't know how to communicate. Japanese women are trained from birth to consider that all family matters and discussions are the province of the male. She is waiting for you to tell her what to do.

Unhappy in LA

Well I'm giving it another shot. I don't know how long it will last, but hopefully it will work out. She admitted that she at times puts her job in front of me, but it still seems like she does not entirely see anything wrong with that. She actually thinks its kinda childish for me to get pissy over her being absent. She is trying, but I'm not sure how much can change.

Unhappy in LA

After yet another round of talks she admitted that her job is more important to her than I am. I'm not sure how to take this at this point.
My family and friends are all urging me to end it, pointing out how unhappy I have been with things for the last couple of years. I kinda have to agree, seeing as how the likelihood of enduring changes happening are slim, especially when she values her work over me.

I almost wish she was cheating or something else that I could nail down. It would make it a lot easier to end things.

MyKidsMom

Un happy, Oh do I hear you about wanting it to be something else like cheating. It would make it easier. But remember this is your life also, make your self happy. Stay strong

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blind

First, I am sorry to hear you are going through this. I have read this entire thread. Let me just make a few comments. I am going through some significant marital troubles as well. However, in my marriage I was the one that put many other things before my wife. She is the one feeling more like you. In any case, here are my observations so take them for what they are worth.

First, she is willing to go to counseling, so go! Poor communication breeds a host of problems. It may be that despite your past efforts to express to her your unhappiness, she is only now starting to realize the issues. I was the same way. My wife tried to tell me how she felt, but I didn't see the gravity of the situation until she told me she didn't know if she wanted our marriage to work and that she doesn't really love me any more. Please don't wait that long before addressing these issues. If she is willing to go to counseling, get to it.

Second, she told you her job is more of a priority than you. I know you don't want to hear things like this, but atleast she is being honest and recognizes this. If she told you that you came before her job you probably would not have believed her and resented her for lying. The truth often hurts, but until it is out on the table it can't really be addressed.

Third, I don't care what you read and hear, I believe people can change. I am in the process of changing and putting my wife first. Others have successfully done the same. Granted, a person must want to change if it is going to happen. It is a difficult process for me after how I have prioritized my life for the past 10+ years. But, I realize how I have hurt my wife and our marriage. I am willing to change to try and save my marriage and regain my wife's love and support. Don't expect this to be a quick fix. I am only beginning the process but have talked to many that are further down the road (months and years down the road). It will take time and effort from both of you, but, it can and has been done.

Fourth, if I read everything correctly, you love her and she loves you. This is a great place to start the repair process. There are scores of people out there trying to fix their marriage after the love has died for one of the spouses. No one wants to have martial problems. But, still being in love should give you some comfort that things can still work and should give you some motivation to try.

Fifth, be careful what you wish for. Cheating is a vile creature. I don't wish that on anyone. Even the suspicion that a spouse is cheating can cause you grave pain and sorrow. Through effective communication and/or counseling you and your wife can find out and "nail down" the issues. You might just find out that her needs aren't really being met either. Just think how you would feel if your needs were all being met. You would want to do your best to meet her needs. But, when your needs aren't being met, you have very little desire to meet the needs of the other. What I am learning is that in the past I was trying to give my wife what I wanted, not what she wanted. So, I felt like I was doing what I was supposed to be doing. WRONG. Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to shift the blame to you. I am just trying to give you some incite as to what she may be thinking. In short, the two of you need to effectively communicate your needs to the other. When this happens, you will be able to "nail down" the issues and get to work on them.

I know this was too long, but hopefully there is something in there that will be of help. Best of luck to you.