Really, with a young child around, I don't think your situation is abnormal at all. I also think it'll improve in time.
However, by continually pushing the issue you'll likely push your wife further away. There's nothing that puts me off sex more that feeling obliged to, and I expect your wife feels the same.
Try laying off the nagging, and cherishing her by day to day touches, hugs, and making her feel special.
My first question is, is your child still sleeping with you? Also, does your wife work? I am a stay at home mom and so I have a little more energy than maybe a mother who works all day and then does the chores and takes care of a baby. But I am a women who really doesnt feel the need to have sex all the time either. But I did read a good book that helped me understand how my husband feels about sex. Its called The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands. Anyways, it was an eye opener as far as sex was concerned. Who knew it was SO important. It is definitely not important to me. We have a small child too, and if I am not in the mood, then I tell him he can just have a quickie, ie. he gets in gets out sort of thing...thats fine for me, if I am tired and not in the mood, the last thing I want to do is have sex. But really, a lot of guys think you can just mention sex and your wife will be up for it right away. It doesnt work like that with us, we cant just hear the word and be turned on. Romantic kisses, backrubs and such really will go a long way.
Well Chris H., I've also always wonder if any partners give the other the "green light" in these types of situations.my wife's response was what you would have expected, a big "HELL NO!"
I of coarse plead my case without arguing with;
If I do, I won't bug you anymore! We can go without sex for as long as you'd like! Just because you don't have a sex drive don't expect me not to!
That kind of thing.
Amazingly she did agree with the logic of most of my points, she don't do logic well, and so I end up where I started.
fredfoxw28,
You said it your self, "This marriage is not only about you and your needs.", yet women want us to wait until they are ready without thinking about our needs.
You also mentioned, "Lets say you go out and get it somewhere else, you maybe sexually satisfied but believe me when I say you will find something wrong with that person."
I should have explained better, but if I went somewhere else for "sex" I would go to a professional and so would almost be pretty much guaranteed satisfaction. I'm not looking for a better wife or even a woman that truly cares about my needs, just sex.
I don't know if your husband is at this point yet, but trust me your sex is no different or more special that anyone other and if you make your man work too hard for it, he will quickly realize that it just ain't worth it and will eventually go somewhere else or just leave. You best realize that you shouldn't make it so hard to get your sex before your husband just stops asking someday.
jeanette, I feel you sister. You did your part by trying to talk it out, if that didn't work you go ahead and take care of your needs since he don't care. Simple as that, and if they don't like it then maybe they should do their jobs, right? Because, I'm sorry but yeah it it the spouses job to satisfy the others reasonable sexual needs.
Green-Moo,
Please know that I am normally a very caring and understanding man, I am all about fairness also, she has simply exhausted my patience. For example, she just got into a bad car accident on Monday, that's why it took me till today to reply, I've been taking care of her. I've told her before, if for some medical reason she can't have sex with me I will wait forever and be faithful, but I will not put up with games or having to jump through hoops for no reason other than a her issues.
"Try going without (REGULARLY) for a month or more like is the case in our marriage."
Bad idea dude -- once she gets used to having it less, you won't even get the "bad sex". How do I know that? 6 months and counting, thats how.
She has convinced HERSELF that something is wrong, and she isn't going to change her opinion until she is darn well ready. You can try and try and try. You can do all the housework, pay 100% of the bills, shower her with gifts, and all you'll end up doing is rewarding bad behavior.
All this "I'm not in the mood", I'm too tired" they are just excuses. I'm not saying people are never "not in the mood" or never "tired" but when you get the same routine 3 or 4 times in the row, you know its a lie.
Make peace with it because the odds are highly against it changing the way you want it to.
"Try going without (REGULARLY) for a month or more like is the case in our marriage."
Bad idea dude -- once she gets used to having it less, you won't even get the "bad sex". How do I know that? 6 months and counting, thats how.
She has convinced HERSELF that something is wrong, and she isn't going to change her opinion until she is darn well ready. You can try and try and try. You can do all the housework, pay 100% of the bills, shower her with gifts, and all you'll end up doing is rewarding bad behavior.
All this "I'm not in the mood", I'm too tired" they are just excuses. I'm not saying people are never "not in the mood" or never "tired" but when you get the same routine 3 or 4 times in the row, you know its a lie.
Make peace with it because the odds are highly against it changing the way you want it to.
Dang Chopblock, I feel your pain or rather the pain of my own is a lot like yours.
I tried the patiently waiting for sex and 1 month without quickly turned into 3 and she didn't even flinch. I've also tried being nice not a hard thing to do since it's in my nature to be that way anyway, but nope.
I have, like Chopblock here, have come to the conclusion that you just have to get yours, somewhere else, and stop expecting any magical sex to fall from the sky.
Just yesterday, my wifes best friend was telling my wife that her man keeps bugging her for sex and that she just ignores him, going as far as calling him to respond to a text he had sent her saying simply,"I need sex!" and her response she had to say in person was, "So, what do you want me to do about it."
I was just sitting there playing with our 15 month old baby boy giving them their hen time and my wife says "I'm doing the same thing to him, huh babe." The cold blooded bi_ch had the nerve to say, huh babe, like I would somehow laugh along with them or something.
I later asked her, do you guys seriously see what you do as a joke or take pride in making us go without for some reason?
She got all defensive and told me I always ask that same question, news to me because I have never said that to her before. Anyway, I asked her oh yeah, and so what is the answer then, to which she simply walk away.
LOOSER... I thought, I'll be glad to finally cheat on your selfish uncaring ass.
AHHH the harper valley PTA moms...Sorry but thats what they remind me off(and it's sickening). and then have the gall to get pissed and say "OMG he cheated"....In this situation the cheater is not the arse the withholding uncaring wife is...
The thing about the ages old "I-don't-get-enough-sex" argument, is that conflicts of this sort really challenge each partner to ask themselves one really powerful question: "How can I get my best self to show up for my partner right now--or--"Is the way I am right now really being the spouse I aspire to be?"
__________________
The biggest mistake one can make is to chronically worry about making one.
Do you help with the kids? I firmly believe that the stay-at-home doesn't always have it as easy as people think. Being cooped up is tough. I'm sure you assist when you get home.
Do you guys ever go out? Did you try getting babysitters and having date nights and really making it about the two of you?
I'm sure you've tried a lot of stuff and I'd love to hear about it. You get it every week or two though? Some of us here remember that much sex as a fondly distant memory. I think I could do a month standing on my head .
icompletely agree with u on that, except the roles are reversed, my husband is dead, when it comes to sex. He could care less if we ever done it, so im about to the point to go somewhere else for satisfaction, because talking sure dont do any damn good. good luck.
Please, Please,Please don't fall into that trap!!!! I've been there and done that. It's not worth it! Ask for a divorce before you bring a third party into a marriage that God intended for two. I regret it on a daily basis and my self-worth has plummeted because of it. I feel blemished for life. My husband has forgiven me, but forgiving myself is a different story!
I'm a wife and you are not alone! My husband feels exactly like you! But if you are like him, you would rather chew your right leg off before you'd go anywhere else. We've gotten a bit better though so let me share...
First, your wife, like so many of us, is rather ignorant to how important sex is to you. We ladies don't get it. It's not that big of a deal to us that's why we can go for months without it and even make jokes. I now understand for you guys, it's like you can't see clearly after 3 days! It's something you just need, like oxygen.
Secondly, ignore all that crap about flowers and romance, it's not going to put your wife in the mood. It's going to cause more pressure, because it's to motivate her to have sex, not b/c you suddenly felt the love. Flowers and romance, to me, are better after sex. Then it feels more like sex was appreciated instead of you just washing your hands kind of thing.
Be careful though, otherwise you get caught up in the vicious cycle of "I need romance", "well I need sex" "give me romance, I'll give you sex" "I'll give you romance when you give me sex", and pretty soon it's like wiping your butt with a hula hoop..never ending....arguing and no one gettin' any lovin'.
My husband says that when he is satisfied sexually (and we are still working on his), that's when he WANTS to buy me flowers and do sweet things. He's more understanding and patient with me, (he doesn't mind so much when I told him how much I spent, lol). Seriously, I actually see a difference in his mood and self esteem, which makes me feel great as his wife, which makes want to keep "going there". You should have your wife read this. At one point I wondered, why am I arguing my way out of good time?
Ok, last; having kids does take it's toll on a sex life. Guys, it's not an excuse, some of it is hormonal, which we can't help, but we are freakin' wiped out with babies! Seriously, going from milkmaid with a baby to hot honey hoe in the bedroom is a lil much on the ol' scattered mind there! Take the kids for a few, bring home dinner, let us take a shower or bubble bath in peace so we can mentally go from one to the other. We know you guys could do it in your sleep, but we would take 20 min of sleep over 20 min of sex. I know, crazy huh? So, make a deal, promise your wife a break for a lil nookie in return, she just might take you up on it. Good luck and hope this helps. Makes me feel better we're not the only couple like this, and even better off than some. Yikes!
***"it's not going to put your wife in the mood. It's going to cause more pressure, because it's to motivate her to have sex, not b/c you suddenly felt the love"
I agree with this. When she knows you are desperate, all she'll see it as is buttering her up. These days, I'm almost positive that many people out there are conditioned to get suspicious when someone is being nice to you. Oh you got my favorite drink. Oh look at those pretty flowers. Ok.... out with it, what do you want (or "what did you do?")
Wow this post is depressing. First of all to those of you who think cheating is the answer get a divorse and be done with it.
As for the first post. I have a 18 month old who doesn't sleep through the night still. I don't know if yours does or not but that tends to have an effect on how tired I am. More then that though when they are that young (even if they sleep) they are very needy and we spend a lot of time holding them which kinda fills a need for physical touch and is draining as well. What my husband has realized is letting me go out for a moms night out with other moms is almost a slame dunk for him. I come home relaxed, happy and appreciate him for letting me go out. I am as stay at home mom so it is nice to have adult time. I try not to go out more then 2 times a month with the girls but it helps a lot. We have sex at least 1-2 a week. I think what would make more more inclined though is a date night....18 months and counting..... The other thing is not the romance before sex but during. If you aren't looking her in the eyes and making it be about making love vs sex then it might be making her less inclined. Instead of "you like how hard you make me" try "you are beautiful" and look her in the eyes when you say it. As a lot of women have said we don't have the same physical need but we do need to feel loved, beautiful and so on. Make love to her more and you both will get what you want. Good luck.
I don't have kids but I do have two nephews who stay at my house...constantly.
They are......and I say this with love..............THE BIGGEST COCK BLOCKS IN THE WORLD.....but I love them.
Its hard to convince your woman to be in the mood when there are kids around, I get that now. Its like playing Jenga in a car....you hit a speed bump and you have to start all over....kids=speed bump.....jenga=seduction
I don't have kids but I do have two nephews who stay at my house...constantly.
They are......and I say this with love..............THE BIGGEST COCK BLOCKS IN THE WORLD.....but I love them.
Its hard to convince your woman to be in the mood when there are kids around, I get that now. Its like playing Jenga in a car....you hit a speed bump and you have to start all over....kids=speed bump.....jenga=seduction
Fortunatly I dont look at my two little ones as cock blockers. There the best thing that has ever happened in my life and my wives too.
Making time for sex is a matter of priority. It can be done if their is the WILL for it. Date nights etc. Kids go to be early so that leaves another opportunity. Women and men need to meet their mates needs or the relationship simply wont work.
Re: Limited Sex - Arguments
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