daddyof4

First let me start off with I'm having serious trust issues and I want it to stop but I don't know how. Now let me explain why.

About 3 years ago my wife of now 6 years cheated on me a couple times with a friend of mine. What's sad is I didn't find out about it until about 6 months after it happened. I found out by logging into one of her message boards she likes to go to and was curious and went all the way back 6 months for an infidelity board that I noticed was on her favorites. Well needless to say I found a post she wrote talking about having sex with him a couple times and how amazing it was and she didn't know where to go with it from there. Needless to say I confronted her about it, printed the message out and everything and woke her up and basically forced her to be honest about it as she kept denying it happened and she only wrote it to see what people say(do people really think their spouse is that stupid?) finally she caved in and said she did sleep with him. So I asked her if she still wanted to be married to me and did she still love me. She said she did and she seemed very truthful and honest about it. So I told her I never wanted her to talk to, email, have any communications with him ever again. She agreed and we moved on. Now of course, naturally, I was very wary of everywhere she went, who she was going with, etc. etc. etc. Basically a typical jealous husband that was cheated on, at least thats what I think is typical after what happened. Everything seemed to be going fine, we had our fourth child about a year and a half later, and I'll be honest, as much as it tears me apart to say it, I was wondering if he was really mine. But I figured I was just being stupid and I'm sure I was just being stupid now that I watch my child and how he is. Well, this year I went on a deployment to Iraq(i'm in the navy by the way) and she realllllly tested me and made what trust I did build up before deployment begin to deplenish again. First it started with her saying she was thinking about going to have lunch with an ex-bf who is now gay. I'm sure it was because I was so far away but I didn't like the fact that she wanted to go visit an ex-bf, gay or not. So that REALLY upset her cause she thought I had started to trust her again. After that whole argument her attitude towards me changed the whole time I was gone. Before it was a very caring and missing voice I would hear on the phone, then after it became a annoyed what do you want type voice. Come september she started to act REAL unlike her. At least, unlike the woman I married and had loved the last 5 years. She went to a bar, by herself. Apparently met 2 girls there, got really drunk, called her brother around 1am and said she was getting a taxi, then called back saying she was going to the 2 girls house. After that call, he nor I could get in contact with her. She wouldn't answer her phone. I became infuriated and when I finally got in touch with her at 8am I asked her where she was and she said she didn't know, she was in a pink room. She said she was leaving right away and finally got back home an hour and a half after her telling me that. Even though apparently those girls only lived not even 10 mins down the road. I chewed her a new one about what she did and how worried sick both me and her brother were and how stupid it was for her to do that when she has 4 kids at home that want their mom. Point being, she knew she messed up and didn't do it again. So while we were trying to get ahold of her, I told her brother how I wouldn't be surprised if she was at a hotel with the guy she cheated on me with, his reply back was "Nah, I highly doubt that, she tried to talk to him a couple times and he told her to leave him the hell alone". Now, I'm glad he did that, but why in the F was she trying to contact him in the first place after what she promised me? I confronted her and she gave some bs reason about just reconnecting with friends, so of course I told her he the furthest thing from a friend and if I found out she tried ever again, it was over and we were done. She seemed to shape up but she still went out alone to places, apparently she went to a bar at a restaurant to watch a college football game and met some dude that was a fan of the same team. The good thing is she told me about him, but all be dammed if I wasn't jealous. Then She got jealous because the navy gave me a 4 day pass Qatar, the ONLY time off I got the whole 8 months I was gone. I LITERALLY worked 7 days a week, 12-18 sometimes 20 hours a day. So since I was getting that, she demanded she get a 4 day vacation when I got home. Now, my date back was suppose to be December 17th, she wanted December 30-Jan2. WTF? Are you serious? So soon after I get back from being gone for 8 months AND during the New Years holiday?? Then she talked about moving to florida with her mom when I got back cause we needed to work on our relationship and felt we weren't ready to be together again when I got back, yet, she makes this decision 3 months before I'm even due back. Yeah, just want a man wants to hear from his wife who is suppose to be supporting him and showing him love while he does what he has to do in time of war. So anyways, that's how my trust got deflated while I was gone. After that whole deal though things got better and she started to talk to me more like she missed me and loved me and couldn't wait for me to get home. So now I'm back, unfortunately I came back about 2 weeks early because my mother passed away. So the first week I was back she was very supportive and did what she could to make me happy, and I appreciate it more than anything in the world. Then I had to fly out to Los Angeles to do a memorial for my mom with family and friends. I stayed out there for a week then came back. When I got off the plane she was crying, to me, not like a yay you're back happy cry, but like a, "I screwed up cry". Apparently the day before she went and saw the new twilight movie, by herself. Then earlier in the day she went and saw the movie again, by herself. I couldn't quite understand why she was doing that but whatever. No biggie. The very next day, her friend, who she had a big feud with a few months earlier(about the whole going to the bar incident) called and asked if she wanted to go with her to get her nails done. I said it was cool and to go ahead, I seriously had no problem with it. She came home basically drunk. Apparently she had 2 or 3 drinks at a restaurant and her friend never even got her nails done. I blew it off, it's ok, poo happens. The Next day her friend calls again asking if she wanted to go to the store with her, I said go ahead, a little perturbed as I haven't had a full day with her yet but it's ok, I knew her friend was having marital trouble and needed someone to confess and talk too. Then the NEXT day her friend wanted to go out and have drinks. I finally confessed to my wife that I would really appreciate it if I could have a full day with her. She, what seemed to be regrettably said ok and told her friend that she wasn't feeling good and her PMS was getting to her really bad. So that same night me and my wife went and got some crown and coke. I hadn't had a hard drink in a while so it sounded good. Well while we're at the liquor store low and behold her friend is there. So my wife feeling guilty invited her to come to our place to drink. She came over and actually we all had a pretty good time, but I was really hoping to get drunk with my wife to make a little drunk love. So now i'm having an issue. Everytime my wife wants to go do something, well, almost everytime, I feel like she's going to go meet someone. She seems to be secretive with me, she's constantly texting people and granted the times I do pick up her phone and view it, it's people I know or know of, but who's to say she doesn't delete the texts once she's done, ya know? Today, her friend wants to drink wine as her marriage is crumpling even more, then my wife says tomorrow she wants to go get her nails redone and go elsewhere. I asked her where else was she planning on going? She said somewhere personal...... Now. How am I suppose to take that? Am I suppose to be "Oh, ok, have fun! with a big smile on my face?" Of course I didn't and we had a long discussion about why i'm having trust issues and all this other stuff. She later told me that the personal stuff was her going to target, walmart, and to the grocery store....How is that personal? WHy couldn't she tell me that from the get go? I know this is probably the longest post ever written but I just want anyone who replies back to this to understand my mindframe and maybe help me quit not trusting her. Please help me. I just don't know what to do.......

jessi

You are a patient man, she sure is giving you some reason not to trust her. I don't know what to tell you, it sure doesn't seem like you are her top priority or your children either.
Sounds like she just wants to party and go out with friends. Is there any chance that she has a bit of drinking problem?
Maybe she needs a little scare, you almost sound like you need to put your foot down a little....
good luck

daddyof4

Hey Jess, I think you are right as far as the partying thing. She has been a family woman since she was 19, so she never really got to go out and "have fun". I was just turned 24 and she was just turned 20 when we got married. I do understand her want of going out and partying, it's just hard to trust that she's not going to do anything "stupid"....ya know?

jessi

hey daddy of 4,
why don't you start texting her little sexy messages and asking if you 2 can meet for drinks or if you can join in with her partying. Might be fun....I think she is justing looking for a little fun other than being a mother, I have felt that way myself.
maybe it will just run it's course and then she will be content again. You want her to be independent and feeling alive, better for you and the kids

BigBadWolf

Letting a woman like you have described go out "partying"?

Look, this is almost embarrassing to have to type, that you both need to grow up.

There are children in the home, their mother does not need to be out running around and partying.

And as for you, what you need to do is be a man.

More specifically, be THE man in this relationship.

Otherwise your woman will continue to run around until she has found someone else to be a man.

Tell your woman how you feel, what you expect, and be the man to make it happen.

This is your responsibility as a good man in a relationship.

Anything less, and you and your children are in for misery and hurt.

I wish you well.

Andre2000

@ daddyof4

Ewww ewww ewww I couldn't even finish reading that, it's exactly what I went through. If she hasn't had crazy "fun" already then it is going there. Mine tried, if not had, a brief lesbian encounter with a butch dyke too. I picked her up off the gutter drunk in front of a bar after she screwed some guy with her friend in a car (I found out that detail later) She also would party and make the excuse of "girls night out" and have sex with strangers she met with her friends. She screwed my friend and he hates my guts now. I even had to test my son's paternity ( enough about that) because of the drunk gutter incident. And every step of the way, I was making excuses right along with her "oh well she works all the time, oh well she is lonely, oh but she needs to have space"

This wont end. She doesnt respect you...so sorry. ewwww *Barf* I wish I could slap some sense in you but you wouldn't know what I mean unless I do it then you'd say "Ohhhhh!"

dwaynewilliams

@daddyof4

I really feel for you. I got so angry reading your post, I had to stop and relax for a minute before replying. It sounds like you are a good man. I can't say what I think about your wife because I wouldn't want to disrespect another man's woman, but what she has done and is probably still doing is dead wrong. Its every man's nightmare. Its hard to say that you should leave because you have four kids together, but I really don't see how you can fix the situation. Personally, I could never forgive my wife for cheating. I believe that is the ultimate betrayal. Maybe if you two can be friends, but I do think that you have no choice but to get a divorce. She's not going to stop. And you are away from home too often to monitor her. I think that her antics have gotten to the point of no return and it is time to part ways. I am really sorry for you. But I can say this, the world is crawling with women waiting for a good guy BELIEVE ME. You will be ok in time. Stay cool.
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mike1

Sorry brother, that's a tough situation. Some others have posted some great advice I think.

If she's willing to get into a marriage and family therapist. It sounds like she needs something to jolt her. Maybe she needs an ultimatum. She needs to decide what's more important, her partying ways and secret life or having an open, happy relationship with her husband.

As far as I'm concerned there is no such thing as a private life when you're married. Both partners should be willing to be open books to the other. If there are secrets or a spouse is wanting to hide where they're going or not allow the other person to look at their cell phone or e-mail or facebook/myspace, etc at any time then there is plain deceit going on. If there's nothing to hide then sharing all that info doesn't matter. After her antics of cheating on you the first time she should know better then anyone how trust would have to be continuously earned. There may never be going back 100% to how it was before and she 'should' be sensitive to that. And she should be grateful that you were willing to look past her indiscretions to rebuild the relationship.

I am so sorry that there are children involved, it breaks my heart. That is the one reason I would encourage you to try to work it out with a therapist. Lay down some ground rules about behavior and being open and honest with each other.

Hope it works out for you...