Married for 6 months, and lost all control and strength
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Old 01-08-2010, 11:42 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Married for 6 months, and lost all control and strength

Wow, not sure where to start. I guess can say I have a very controlling wife. Going into this marriage was probably a little to fast. But we both knew each other, our passions and what we did in life to keep us going. Since our marriage, I have lost complete control over my own life. She finds the negative in every situation. It is never "good job", "go have fun", or anything positive or happy. Its always, "whats this charge", "what did you buy for 7.32 ", "what took you so long", "dont hold the baby like that", dont do this, dont do that, maybe one day, etc etc etc. It has gone from big things, to now everything. It has weakened me to a point that I dont even want to interact with people, or even talk. Im in a managerial role at work, and it has completely changed my work ethic. I am passive at home, passive at work, passive with friends. Shoot, what friends I have left.

I am not sure if this is curable, and am beginning to think I am wasting time staying in this state. it has gotten to a point I have no patience everytime she says anything negative to me. My blood boils and it feels like I have 1000 tons of bricks on my chest every day.

I have tried to talk to her about it, but either something from the past gets brought up, or it just gets turned around. then she plays the silent game for about 4 hours. I dont even ask to do anything anymore to reduce conflict, and when I do it takes 2 days of energy building just to get the nerve to do it.

I used to have control of my life, wha should I do to get it back?

Thanks.
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Old 01-08-2010, 03:18 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Married for 6 months, and lost all control and strength

Step 1. Power up:
- Subtract the anger - she is unhappy too - there is a path forward. It might be together or not. That will take a little time.

- Subtract the fear. ACCEPTANCE. The worst thing that might happen is that you divorce. I know that is sad. But you will both get over it. DO NOT MENTION THE D WORD TO HER at this point and don't even reply if she says it to you. Just internally accept it. This will make you WAY less anxious.

- Start going to the gym A LOT. Eat healthy - get enough sleep. This will change your mindset a LOT.

Step 2: Begin to learn good ways to interact with her.
- When my wife is bittchy I am quiet and make the effort to be calm. When I do this she tries to push my buttons. She will repeatedly say - "are you mad - why are you mad?" and stuff like that. I just don't reply. And I tell her I am need to go do something else and then I create some space.

- And then I let her come to me. I mean I am polite and friendly and if she NICELY asks me to do something I do it. If she asks in a mean way I just say - I can't do that. If she asks why I tell her to ask nicely at some future point and she will likely get a different answer.

- If she is aggressive/mean - I say "when you can speak to me constructively I will talk to you" and wait. She either changes tone or I walk away.

- And I am fine being in the house - being polite in sort of an emotionally reserved state - for as long as it takes. And in fact the more aggressive she gets the more time I spend AWAY from her. She wants a break from the kid - no problem - I take the baby on a nice long long walk with a bottle.

And I just repeat the same mantra. You seem angry a lot - if you can treat me nicely we can interact - otherwise not.

If you DON'T let her get you wound up - you won't feel anxious and the emotional need to go find a way to make up will be gone.

Suggest MC - usually crazy people KNOW they are being that way and act accordingly. Meaning they AVOID MC like the plague.



Quote:
Originally Posted by wheretogofromhere View Post
Wow, not sure where to start. I guess can say I have a very controlling wife. Going into this marriage was probably a little to fast. But we both knew each other, our passions and what we did in life to keep us going. Since our marriage, I have lost complete control over my own life. She finds the negative in every situation. It is never "good job", "go have fun", or anything positive or happy. Its always, "whats this charge", "what did you buy for 7.32 ", "what took you so long", "dont hold the baby like that", dont do this, dont do that, maybe one day, etc etc etc. It has gone from big things, to now everything. It has weakened me to a point that I dont even want to interact with people, or even talk. Im in a managerial role at work, and it has completely changed my work ethic. I am passive at home, passive at work, passive with friends. Shoot, what friends I have left.

I am not sure if this is curable, and am beginning to think I am wasting time staying in this state. it has gotten to a point I have no patience everytime she says anything negative to me. My blood boils and it feels like I have 1000 tons of bricks on my chest every day.

I have tried to talk to her about it, but either something from the past gets brought up, or it just gets turned around. then she plays the silent game for about 4 hours. I dont even ask to do anything anymore to reduce conflict, and when I do it takes 2 days of energy building just to get the nerve to do it.

I used to have control of my life, wha should I do to get it back?

Thanks.
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Old 01-11-2010, 02:26 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Married for 6 months, and lost all control and strength

thanks, this is good advice
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