Why isn't my husband interested in sex?
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Old 01-11-2010, 12:35 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Why isn't my husband interested in sex?

I need advise from some men. I've been married almost a year to my husband, we've been together over 5 years. We rarely have sex anymore and when we do I initiate it. When I bring it up he uses being tired from work as an excuse but even on the weekends I'm the one to initiate it. We will go 2-3 weeks without it and it doesn't bother him a bit. Not to sound full of myself but I'm pretty hot! I work out and take care of myself and always doing things to look good for him... It's lead me to wonder if he's cheating but I've done a little investigating and I'm certain he's not.. so what gives? I thought men generally want sex more than women so it hurts my self-esteem to not feel desired by my own husband... I'm starting to feel like going out and getting attention from other guys to lift my self-esteem.. Any advice or insight?
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Old 01-11-2010, 01:57 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why isn't my husband interested in sex?

That sounds really strange to me, my wife and I have been married almost 8 years now and I would NEVER EVER turn down sex. I can't get enough. We usually have is 3 or 4 times a week which is cool, but I would never turn down more sex. I don't know any guy that would. Not trying to scare you but I would say there is a decent chance he is having an affair. I don't know why else he wouldn't be interested. Men can NOT be too tired for sex. Ever.
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Old 01-11-2010, 02:09 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why isn't my husband interested in sex?

Can you pinpoint anything that may have changed when the desire for sex dropped off? Was there any marital troubles or anything at the time.

If he's constantly tired, maybe there's some imbalance with his Testosterone levels. Perhaps suggest that he get them checked to combat his tiredness? Does he still masturbate?

Also, sit him down and discuss it. Maybe somethings stressing him out or hes harboring some feelings that aren't out in the open. Bottling these up can cause the sex drive to shut down. I find simply talking about it and letting them out in the open can be relief enough to lift my spirits.

PS. I think there would be other signs than low sex-drive if there was anything funny going on.
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Old 01-11-2010, 02:31 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why isn't my husband interested in sex?

I find it hard to imagine myself ever being too tired for sex and never turn down my wife...even if I'm not necessarily "in the mood". I've gone a couple of days with only a few hours of sleep and still needed to make love over sleep.

I would question whether he is into porn and masturbating....if he isn't having an affair. What about medications? Any depression issues?
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Old 01-11-2010, 09:52 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why isn't my husband interested in sex?

He doesn't turn down sex if I initiate it, the problem is that HE never initiates it. I feel stupid to be the only one to initiates it so I only do it once in a while which means we're only having sex once in a while... Probably 4-5 times a month. But usually it will be like 2 days in a row and then not again for 10 days or something like that. We've gone 4 weeks without it and it would have been longer had I not done something about it. I'm 99% sure he's not having an affair because I've searched for clues, checked up on him- like when he says he's going to his buddies house to watch football I'll drive by and make sure his car is there. I've broken into his facebook account and I've scanned his e-mails numerous times... nothing to even raise an eyebrow at. I'm like a freakin detective!! I can't even remember when it started going down hill, it's been probably at least 2 years.... probably around when we got engaged...
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Old 01-11-2010, 10:09 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why isn't my husband interested in sex?

Have you asked him about it? You have done all this behind his back but have you asked him to his face? He wont be embarrassed... I promise you.
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Old 01-11-2010, 11:00 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Yes I've asked him, and he was embarrassed. He just made excuses like, "well you were sick a few days and I've had a lot going on with work" etc... or "I guess I just don't need sex as much as you do.." I know I shouldn't snoop but I really thought he was having an affair.... I would never have gone through his things before this was an issue. I don't know what to do
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Old 01-11-2010, 11:39 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why isn't my husband interested in sex?

sounds like he's a passive submissive male...

Boy...isn't it sexy? Ahhh no.

Question 1:...have you found yourself a nice assertive and dominant man yet to cheat with? If not, I'd be surprised.

Question2: are you undermining him with verbal attacks and what not? Just checking. If his self esteem is down then that does it, but I'm just asking if you are the one that does this....if not, might be his job. Could have an emotionally abusive boss...

Interesting though that it has been since you guys got engaged....
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Old 01-12-2010, 04:53 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why isn't my husband interested in sex?

I'll try to give you my perspective as a male who has gone through this. My wife and I have been married over 30 years. She is the one who usually initiates sex. For years I've been focused on my job, which has caused it's own set of issues, one of which is to leave me mentally and physically exhausted at the end of the day. Throw in the fact that I used to "decompress" with a few drinks at the end of the day and bingo, no sex drive. It was far easier to just relax at the end of the day than initiate sex. Well, when I gave up alcohol just about a year ago, I thought my sex drive would return. Nope. Work was still a constant stress in my life. Also found out my T levels were very low. I'm now on hormone replacement therapy. I think it's helping, but we're in the early stages. It is hard for men to talk about this. If you can't get him to talk, maybe he'd put his thoughts in writing (I posted on this in another thread). Good luck.
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Old 01-12-2010, 08:12 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why isn't my husband interested in sex?

Andre- He's not submissive, he's very laid back and he doesn't let much bother him except maybe work... I'm not demeaning to him at all, we get along great most of the time its the passion that's lacking....
Rob- Thank you for your insight, it made me feel a little better. If you don't mind me asking- did/does it bother your wife that she always has to initiate? If so how did she talk to you about it without making you defensive?
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Old 01-12-2010, 11:01 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why isn't my husband interested in sex?

Has he ever asked for anything and you shot him down?

You say you're hot, but you do look and act hot? It may be that he'll initiate sex if he gets an unmistakeable invitation. If you're wearing baggy sweats and slumping on the sofa, that may not inspire his libido. Nothing wrong with crashing if you're tired, but that may not be the kind of thing to get him to sit up and take notice.
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Old 01-12-2010, 12:09 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why isn't my husband interested in sex?

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Originally Posted by Rose3 View Post
Rob- Thank you for your insight, it made me feel a little better. If you don't mind me asking- did/does it bother your wife that she always has to initiate? If so how did she talk to you about it without making you defensive?
Yes, it has bothered her over the years and we've talked about it on and off. Most recently the issue was one of several that we've been going through in our relationship. I was never defensive about her bringing it up, and knew she was right, but the desire just wasn't there for a number of reasons. It bothered me that it wasn't there, but we're working on it now. Libido is a complicated subject as we all know.

I think she brought the subject up in such a way that it was not an accusation, but more like "it would really make me happy if you initiated more". I think when you tell someone what they can do to make things better for you, it softens the blow. I always want her to tell me what I can do to please her and vice versa.

Last edited by Rob2380; 01-12-2010 at 12:14 PM. Reason: added more to post.
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Old 01-12-2010, 01:18 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why isn't my husband interested in sex?

For sure though, he is passive.
If you complain and get mad about something, does he excessively appologize?

Anyways, this is a good read
Husbands who are not Dominate enough & Wives who are - how to reverse roles?
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Old 01-12-2010, 01:27 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why isn't my husband interested in sex?

Does he have performance issues?
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Old 01-12-2010, 02:48 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why isn't my husband interested in sex?

Just hear me out before you judge...

Is there a chance that he is Bi-Sexual?

My poor new wife found out after 12 years that her ex husband was bisexual. They would have sex when she initiated it only. She just had some strange feelings. (Always go with your gut) and turns out she thought he was having a female afair but found no evidence. Did not even think about a man until it came out..

I HOPE that this is not the case but it is another possibility.

I am like some of the other men in here. I would neve turn down sex or the opportunity of it. My wife gets tired of me wanting it.
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