Ask him tonight to write down 10 things you do that he doesn't like.
Then ask him to write down ten things that he needs or wants, to be happy.
Then go sit down tomorrow with the lists, and figure out how to stop making him unhappy and start meeting his needs.
A marriage specialist with another forum who has 30 years of experience in this stuff says that a couple needs to spend 15 hours a week together - without the kids, not working on something, not watching tv or on the computer - just together. Walking, talking, eating out, playing a sport, doing a jigsaw puzzle...whatever, as long as it's time you spend together that makes you feel GOOD. Kind of like when you were dating. We NEED that stimulation to keep feeling good about each other.
I told him in the letter that we need to spend if nothing else 30 min at night just with each other no gadgets or a kid. As for your suggestion about writting things down I am all for it but he seems to want to talk about everything else except our marriage. He just gets so upset about it. Posted via Mobile Device
If it is depression, these lists and other ideas won't help.
It isn't that you are doing things that make him unhappy. Its more that there is a chemical imbalance in his brain.
It isn't something to "sit down and discuss." If he had a broken arm, you wouldn't try to work through it at home. There are medical treatments for depression - I think that needs to be explored.
Nice777guy, I appreciate your input and the input of the other members of this forum. I have not ruled out the depression factor but I am trying slowly to remove one suspicion after another. And it is not easy doing that since I have a husband who would not talk at all about our marriage and a small child who occupies my day 24/7. The affair and the depression are on my list and I will go to investigate both as last resort. We have the same family doctor that I have to go an see anyways. I know the doctor won't discuss medical issues regarding another patient but at least I can ask him if his diabetic medication could be causing some symptoms of depression. From reading on the Internet it does not sound like but who knows.
He seems to be acting fine the rest of the time, telling me things about work, talking about sports(we both like sports), laughing about things our son does etc. Last night he insisted on doing the dishes and he even gave me a good night kiss(on the forehead)
Just today I found out that our insurance covers marriage counselling(about 12 sessions before we need further approval) so I am considering telling him about it. At least I know I made the effort if nothing else and he can see that I am not giving up on our marriage that easily.
I would be careful about the PI though - if he found out you did that - especially if he's innocent - it would seem like a major violation of his privacy. I've considered it myself doing it myself, but I don't think its worth the risk and would do more harm than good if discovered.
If a spouse is acting in unmarriagelike ways, you have the right to protect your marriage. Even if it means checking up on him/her. If a spouse IS having an affair, confronting the affair is the only way to get our spouse back. Affairs are addictions; they can't just walk away. Having a mother or father call you up and say 'what the h&ll do you think you're doing' is the wakeup call most affairees need to see through the fog of what they're addicted to.
How do I find a good marriage counsellor? I don't really know too many people around here. Would asking our family doctor be a good choice? Some people suggest seeing a pastor. Neither one of us is a church goer and if we do anything like counselling I want to do it with someone professional.
The insurance company provides a list and it is a big one. But picking someone from the list is like looking up the yellow pages.
Checking up on him regarding an affair would be my absolute last resort. It's not something I really want to do but if that is the only way so be it.
So here are some new developments in my story. I would like to hear your thoughts on it.
My husband has a webmail account that I created for him years ago and I know the password and he knows that I can check it.
Ever since he got laid off he has been trying to help some of the other laid of employees with some networking stuff and hopefully get them a new job soon. One of those employees is his former assistant. She is pretty, smart about the same age as I am. From what my husband has told me before, she is married to some weird guy and I am not sure how happy she actually is with him. Apparently her husband asked her if she felt like a failure when she lost her job. So sounds she has been confiding to my husband. She does not have any kids.
So today I checked my husband's email and there I see a reply from her thanking him for the efforts he is doing to help her and the other two employees(two are female and one male). Towards the end of the email she wrote: "I hope things are better on the homefront. All is well here."
Now I don't know if he is having an affair or not with her but he would rather tell her what is bothering him than tell me?
So to sum it up:
1. He is acting weird since beginning/middle of December
2. He sleeps in a different bedroom since Jan 8
3. He would not tell me what is bothering him and gets angry if I ask
4. He does not wear his wedding band. Now on this one, he does have problems with swollen fingers and he is diabetic which sometimes causes aching in his fingers/toes, like nerve damage. He is also not wearing another one of his rings that he used to wear before.
4. I see this email from his assistant.
On the other hand, last night when he came back from the gym I had already fallen asleep with the light on. He came to the bedroom, gave me kiss on the forehead(which woke me up). He also came this morning before he left and did the same thing.
Do you think I should confront him on this or would I make it worse if I accuse him of an affair and it turns out it is not? Should I wait for more clues that may drop by accidentally?
My husband has not seen her email yet. I marked it as unread. I would be curious if he keeps it in his inbox or deletes it. I printed a copy for myself just in case.
I know where his assistant lives and I have her cell phone number as well.
I say you wait for more clues. That's not really much to confront with - "hope things are better."
Keep an eye on the account - be sure to check deleted mail and the "sent" folder each time.
I never found the smoking gun I was looking for with my wife's EAs, but I did get a better insight into what she was telling people about us, who she was talking to, and how often.
If you confront him now he might change the password or just find a new way to keep in touch with this person.
What REALLY puzzles me about your H is the sleeping in the other room part. It seems kind of minor - but I'm also not sure I've seen it anywhere else on this board. I don't get it. Has he ever told you why he's not sleeping in your bed?
The only thing he ever said was that he had lots on his mind and he needed to be alone.
So I guess I would sit and wait for more clues. He has been using his Blackberry account extensively(he only uses the Blackberry for emails not as a phone/sms tool). He has a password on it that I dont' know what it is. He never used to have one in 7 years that he has had that device. The only time I noticed the password was over the holidays when our son accidentally grabbed the device and pressed some keys so the screen with the password section popped up.
Now there were some issues at his old work(IT guy spying on his emails and talking to other employees about confidential stuff) so I don't know if he put that password as protection from him or from me.
And he's never said he wants to end the marriage or that this has anything to do with you, right?
I struggle with passwords on phones too. I've never put a password on mine as I've never had anything to hide.
Any chance that he's sneaking out at night? Ever caught him on his blackberry when you thought he was sleeping?
He has never said that he wants to end the marriage. When I initially asked him what was wrong he said things have not been going well with us for a while now. Even though I never had any indications of that prior to December. We have not had any fights or misunderstandings like I said in my original post. He sleeps in a bedroom in the basement and I am on the second floor with the baby so I don't know if he is on his BB after he goes to the bedroom. I don't think he sneaks at night because our garage door is so loud you would hear it in another state.
Since you have a baby, have you made sure that he is getting enough time with you? A LOT of women replace their husbands with the kids, and the men pull away because of it.
If you are referring to sex, I have tried to initiate it few times. He would say something like he is tired. On several occasions I have expressed my concern that I did not want our marriage to suffer because of lack of sex and lack of spending time together as husband and wife.
I also mentioned to him in the letter I wrote to him last week that I miss being intimate with him. So I don't know how much more obvious I can be in telling him that I want to spend time with him. This was a man who never refused sex with me in the past(and vice versa).
I still cannot believe that he has been telling her things about us and never ever sat down with me to tell me what has been bothering him. I think this bothers me more than if he actually had/has an affair with her. He has a stress test scheduled for monday so I am not going to say anything at this point. See with me the trust issue is huge whether is spouse or friends. I don't know how I could trust him again.
No, I mean paying attention to him. Think back to when you were dating. THAT is how much attention you should be paying him. One of men's most common top needs is admiration. That is usually handled by you actually listening to him, asking him about his work, asking him for help, laughing at his jokes, asking to go places with him. Stuff like that. That's why it's recommended that spouses spend 15 hours a week together, aside from family requirements (kid care, meals, driving, etc.). You need to be finding ways to show him you WANT to be around him.
