nrtq, yes, there is just a unisex questionnaire. But if I recall, you're free to put your own information in there, to adapt it to your marriage; otherwise it wouldn't be such a useful tool.
And of course, it's entirely possible he's just fed up with you. That's how I've felt for the last 10 years (til I worked the MB program, though I still have residual feelings). I will never cheat, but I certainly wanted only to be away from my husband - because of HIM. But I went first, and fixed myself, and guess what? He came around and started meeting my needs. I voiced my unhappiness with his LBs - and told him I was going to leave him if things didn't change - and he stopped most of the LBs. But he wouldn't have done that if I hadn't gone first and become a better person myself. I had to give HIM a reason to want to stay with ME.
Turnera question for you. Did you suddenly shut down on your husband or was this something going on for a while? Did you guys have fights all the time? Did you suddenly decide to sleep in a different bed? Did it take you a while before you actually told your husband what was really bothering you? I am just trying to see how other people have reacted in these type of situations.
I'm a really quiet person; he's really vocal. I have never talked much. As the years went on, and he criticized or made nasty looks, etc., I just shut down. Honestly, I think I went 5 years without talking except for necessities, and he never even noticed. I started pulling back on affection, time together, speaking, even looking at him. I'd tell him occasionally how I was being interrupted and it hurt my feelings, or some such, and he'd make remarks and try to be 'good' for awhile, but it always rolled back to status quo. My self esteem was at -500%. At MB, they told me that I HAD to tell him the truth, not just up and leave him when D19 graduated, so as to give him an opportunity to change. I was so fearful, because he responded to criticism with anger and nastiness. Finally, one night I had had enough and I was clearing out my stuff, throwing it away because I was ready to just end things, you know? So, at that point, I had nothing left to lose, so I told him the truth. He surprised me by actually listening, and making some changes. Not a lot, but enough. Never slept in another bed because I've always been afraid of making him mad; that would be confrontational, and I avoided conflict at all costs.
So today I went for my second individual therapy session. We did talk about few other things but I don't seem to be able to get some real advice from the counsellor. I know she cannot give me info on what my husband said but can she not sort of give some opinion or advice to get us on the same track? I realize these things take time. My husband actually booked another session(his second) for this Friday and I am going again next Tuesday.
At the moment we are doing individual sessions. I told her that I would not mind doing a session together with my husband. My husband and I have not said anything about the counselling to each other and I don't want to look like I am asking too many things since he gets edgy when I ask too many questions.
Im a big fan of making sure you change counselors quickly if you dont feel results.. and I'm on the impatient side and i say its WAY too early for you to expect results or advice.
Early to ME means 6-10 sessions you should start to feel if your counselor has the skill to start giving you signs. I choose the word "signs" carefully because counselors are there to "shine some light" help you both see things in a more clear way. NOT to tell you what to do.. Keep going as often/frequent as possible and dont hold back.. let it all be told, honestly.
I know you want to BE "there". BUT if you and hubby are going.. its a BIG positive sign, take solice in that.
Its ok to ask him how he feels after his session, does he feel its useful, etc. but of course no details, unless he wants to share.
I agree with NG that once you feel a little settled and get to the joint stuff, it will progress more. You may then both be in a "mode" to start sharing.
Just keep going, be patient and take it as it comes. Focus on the process, where you are today... and not the endpoint!!!
So today I went out in the bad weather, got him a good luck card. He is having an interview tomorrow in another city(got the flight details so I know he is not deceiving me). I basically wrote in the card: Good luck on your interview tomorrow and thank you for everything you are doing for..... and me. Love.... and also signed it from our son. I gave it to him after dinner. When he opened it up he got this serious face as if I wrote something bad in it and just with a low voice barely said: You are welcome you did not need to do this it's just an interview.
Now why the heck he would look so upset from a nice card? I am trying to be nice and attentive, I give him all the space in the world and I get this in return. I don't bother him during the day. He does not even bother to call and ask how our son is doing. I only ask him at night how his day was. He does not ask anything in return. I hate this vicious behaviour on his part. Why is he so mad with me? I don't understand all this anger. I was thinking of asking him to do the Love Buster/emotional needs thing but I am affraid he will get even more ticked off.
Anyone's thoughts on this?
PS I am working on checking if there is any sort of an affair. So far nothing on the keylogger but then there is the blackberry so I don't get my hopes to high on the keylogger stuff.
I was going to call few of his closer friends tomorrow to see if he has said anything to them about being unhappy with me in the past 2 years. Do you people think this could be a good idea? I am also going to be talking to his brother tomorrow night about something else so I was thinking of asking him too. My H mentioned that he had told his brother about us but I am not so sure about it because they are not overly close.
I wouldn't talk to anyone that you aren't close to.
I still wonder if part of his problem has to do with having lost his job. So many men see their career as their identity. "Maybe" the card just reminded him about the interview, which he's probably already very nervous about.
You used the word "vicious" - was he just quiet in his response, or actually angry?
Well he said the You're welcome in a very low voice but when I said vicious is his whole attitude towards me in general and if anything I am trying to stay out of his way right now, I don't ask for anything, I am nice even though I don't get nice treatment in return.
The reason why I want to talk to some of those friends is that I want to see if he has said anything to them in the past about being unhappy with my attitude or is this just one big BS story to cover up for something else. The job loss happened beginning of January 2010 and his behaviour started changing in December 2009(at least that's when I noticed it)
Well I guess Turnera was right. It is an affair. Finally the keylogger paid off. Got into his cell phone account and the one credit card that I did not have access to. Tons of phone calls to/from with this former female colleague of his(not the executive assistant like I doubted but another one), hotel charges at nearby hotels and all this since the beginning of January. In December I noticed on his other cell phone there were phone calls to this same person but at that time he had a work cell phone that I/nor he did not have access to the statements.
So what do I from here? Tomorrow is my other session with the therapist(individual). I was thinking of calling the PI and giving them this info of his whereabouts. It should not be difficult to catch him now on video.
Interesting enough, at this moment I don't feel angry or surprised. I guess it was a matter of just confirming people/places. What an idiot.
I'm sure other people will be along soon that are better placed to help you, but I just wanted to say I'm really sorry this has happened to you. You seem like a genuinely caring and warm person, you are certainly not an idiot at all.
The silver lining is that at least now you know after all this time.
It'll be hard to do but if you can, I'd keep quiet about what you know right now, don't confront him yet. You need to think about how you are going to handle this, what you are prepared to do etc. so that you can handle the confrontation confidently.
Interesting enough I feel more confident now than I felt let's say two days ago. He was trying to blame me for being negative and so on. I am sure there is a reason why he did this and nobody is perfect but and affair is not an excuse for any problems in a marriage. Things could be resolved 99% of the time with proper communication.
I would like to hear what other people have to say here that have been in a similar situation. He has never been violent or physically abusive with me so I am not too worried about that. I think if I get some sort of video/photo proof it would be really hard for him to deny it. From the looks of it this is a sexual relationship and I am not sure how and if I could get over it.
Getting over it is easy if you really want to. My wife still talks to her old high school boyfriends and it's no skin off my back.
When people drag other people through the process of legal, financial and emotional teerorism because they feel betrayed, the other person become even more irrate and it mentally reaffirms their initial feeling of inadequecies, etc.
Question, do you want to get back at them or move on or get back with them. Once you have confronted them using the individuals from outside the circle of the relationship, the s**t has hit the fan.
Hell my first wife thought I was cheating on her and brought in her family to confront me. She didn't even include my family just to make me comfortable with her concerns. Well once I was on the block for NOTHING I knew that she was more than just worried, she was mega-selfish. Boy did she have egg on her face and from that point on the marriage was destined for the scrap heap. She did everything she could to ruin it and I tried everything to fix it. FAILURE!
Fix or flee, if you want to flee then use the outside tools, otherwise family counseling may be the best bet. If he is remorseful, either choice you make for the future, never hold it over his head. And expect the same consideration.