torn between heartbreak and feeling better
First things first. I have been married to my wife for 17 1/2 years, and we've been to together for 20+ years.
Up until our first child was born, I think our marriage was awesome, but something happened in our life about the time our first son was born. I don't want to go into to much detail about these events, however I will say they've impacted me up until the time my left me 2 weeks ago. These events turned in to anger and crazy obsessions. No, it's not cheating. This ultimately lead to me becoming moodier and short with my wife, and this problem has grown into me becoming a monster at times.
First thing I want to say is that my wife left me 2 weeks ago due to a fight about her adding an ex boyfriend to her Facebook. A friend of mine, who's also on her Facebook, and also knew this ex boyfriend, alerted me to this on a Saturday morning. I confirmed this by looking at her Facebook via her iPhone. When I saw it, I was jealous, and somewhat shocked. I was angry about it the entire day, though I didn't disclose it that I knew until later. During that day, my wife and I and our kids went to the beach to eat lunch and stroll along the pathway. She knew something was bothering me, though I still didn't disclose it. On the way home, she was really wrapped up in her Facebook via iPhone, then she comments to me "Facebook is a great way for you to remain in contact with old friends you knew many years ago". Of course this comment made me just boil over inside.
Later that night, she was bathing our kids, and putting them down for bed, I grabbed her iPhone to checked her email, and I heard her coming down the stairs, so quickly set her phone down, and it made a ding noise, indicating all mail was updated. My wife heard the ding and asked why I was looking at her email. Of course I denied it, but she knew and wanted to know why I did that. That's when the fireworks begun, and I confronted her about adding her ex boyfriend. She was initially defensive about it, and ran upstairs to remove him from her Facebook on the computer. She then came downstairs to tell me it was mistake, and he was removed. But by this time I well into my third bacardi and diet coke, and was still fuming. Then she lashed with "maybe if you hadn't been ignoring me so much the last few months, I wouldn't have added him (ex boyfriend) to Facebook". This all lead to a big fight with her going to her moms house first thing in the morning. She's been gone for 2 weeks know, and my heart aches like never before.
Now I want to talk about some of my personal issues. During the first half of our marriage, I was not the jealous type, but something happened (mentioned above) about the time our first child was born. I started taking my life and wife for granted, and I kept my personal demons bottled up inside my body, and these problems just became worse and worse over they years. It ultimately lead to me developing psoriasis on my hands and feet, which just made me moodier. I gained a bunch of weight, and just kinda checked out in life the last several years. I think that this weight has led to me developing some serious insecurities with myself, and it's the reason why I blew up on my wife because she added her ex on Facebook.
With all that said, since she's left, my heart has been broken for the first time, yet a lot of good has come out of this. I have lost about 20 lbs. The stress that I held bottled up for years is gone. My psoriasis is going away. I'm taking care of business I have ignored for years. And I'm motivated to becoming a better man.
My heart is crushed because I've possibly lost the love of my life. But I physically and mentally feel relieved that she's gone.
QUESTIONS ~ Am I changing because she's gone, or am I changing because I want her back? I feel like I do want her back, I just want to remain separated for at least 3 months. Is this separation a bad idea if I want her back?
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