Fed Up - Want out, but she is asking me to give our marriage a chance
 Talk About Marriage
  The Marriage Advice and Relationship Help Forums
  right
Forums - For Therapists - Link to Us - Advertise  

    A Public Forum Provided by The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory
Register FAQ Community Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read

Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Talk About Family, Marriage and Relationships »The Men's Clubhouse » Fed Up - Want out, but she is asking me to give our marriage a chance

The Men's Clubhouse Talk about life's dilemmas.

Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
Old 02-10-2010, 10:15 AM   #1 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Arlington VA
Posts: 9
Default Fed Up - Want out, but she is asking me to give our marriage a chance

Okay - sorry for the long post, and I am sure some of you will be surprised by how this goes... So here goes:

I just registered so this is my first post and boy am I fed up with my marriage. I am 48 and my W is 40 (first marriage for her, second for me). We have been married for 5 1/2 years, but together for 10. I feel that my marriage is over and I want out! For the last 3 years, my W has seemed intent on being angry for the rest of her life and who wants to come home to an angry spouse?

In December of 2008, I informed her that I wanted a separation and started to remove myself emotionally from any connection with her. She pulled at my heart so much during that time that I asked her to come home after work, but I did not say what need to change other than she needed to lose weight. She was a knockout when we first meet. Those we great times. I am not saying that I was with her because she was a knockout (the memories just made me think of that), but she was kind, strong, gentle, loving, and was persistent in her achievements.

People should tell you before marriage, that people change. All she has seemed to do over the last 3 years is complain and nag about what I am not doing around the house and appears to have issues with her family and work upon which she takes her frustration out on me (i.e. not talking to me when she arrives home). I know why she has been so angry which seems like the world. She was sexually abused as a child and discovered that her younger sister also experienced the same abuse about 3 years ago.

My wife never told me she said, because she believed it was 'buried" and that she was ashamed. In addition, I have also contributed by not expressing how I feel other than I want out. She is to blame for all of or issues! She knows it and has admitted what she considers her part, but that we both contaminated our relationship. I am not sure what I did other than love her. She even through the internet porn up in my face...ooh and that fact that she thinks I was and still having an affair. I have a friend, so what who I can speak to. She is like a guy.

Okay..I should come clean. I spent my anniversary evening with this OW. My wife kept calling me on my cell phone the entire night until I arrived home and that ended in an arguement. I wish she also knew this OW; she is a good friend with a good ear. My W thinks that I should be talking to her and not seeking solace from the OW.

So last summer I felt as though my relationship was over and continued spending Happy Hour with the OW. it was not until my W returned home early from a trip to find my car in the garage without me in the house. When I arrived home the next morning, I was surpirsed by my W as I was being dropped off by the OW. Boy, was my W upset. Well, I had lost weight earlier in the year, started going to the tanning salon, got Alase surgery to remove all of the hair from my chest, I even shopped at Abercrombie.

This lead to a huge arguement, but I didn't feel guilty. My W sought individual counseling to help deal with her personal abuse issues and anger and it seems to be working. In October of last year I agreed to go to MC, but it didn't work because I was not receptive. She has always been the emotional one, having confessed her "sins" to our marriage and herself to me, the MC, her counselor and she has even asked God for giveness. My W continued to profess her love for me and indicated that she was ready to renew her commitment to our marriage and that had gained more clarity about how "she" believes we go to this mess.

Well, after another long year or this, I left our house on Christmas Eve and I have not returned. I called her at work on Xmas Eve to tell my W that I left. She said I was insensitive.

I won't give her an inch. She keeps calling me on my cell and wants to discuss of spending some "time" together. I do not want to do that. I think it is over and I told her that I wanted a divorce. I am being deployed to Afghanistan in April and I just want to draw up the Property Disposition so I don't have to worry about this when I get back.

I know this sounds extremely harsh, but am I wrong to just want out? She seeams to think she is dealing with her crisis, but indicated that I may be going through a mid-life crisis. I doubt that. Could she right about life throwing us a hardball and that this is a major "wake-up" call? I love her and care for her, but I don't "feel" that I want to be with her. Or am I possibly missing out a great future with my W?
TiredSpouse is offline   Reply With Quote
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Old 02-10-2010, 10:22 AM   #2 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Colorado
Posts: 1,941
Default Re: Fed Up - Want out, but she is asking me to give our marriage a chance

How can you say that it is all her fault when you openly admit running to another woman to talk and seek comfort in?? You spent your anniversary night with her?? Uh, yeah that is insensitive. My H is in the military also, so I understand the additional stress that comes with all that, but you came off quite a bit selfish to me. Either I didn't understand, or well......
DawnD is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-10-2010, 03:29 PM   #3 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 40
Default Re: Fed Up - Want out, but she is asking me to give our marriage a chance

When you first told your wife you wanted to separate you wouldn't even give her the decency to explain the depth of how you were feeling, and you didn't seem to hear what she was saying either...
You got yourself a friend to talk to instead of communicating with your spouse.
You spent your wedding anniversary with another woman.
You gave a half bait attempt at marriage counseling.
You moved out on Christmas Eve.

She doesn't see it, but she's lucky you're gone...
Sounds selfish and immature on your part.

Sorry to be harsh... but REALLY?!? You think it's all her fault?!
TempTime is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-10-2010, 03:57 PM   #4 (permalink)
Member
 
turnera's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 25,036
Default Re: Fed Up - Want out, but she is asking me to give our marriage a chance

Is this a joke?
turnera is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-10-2010, 04:01 PM   #5 (permalink)
Member
 
okeydokie's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 2,170
Default Re: Fed Up - Want out, but she is asking me to give our marriage a chance

you've been married twice, presumably divorced the first time, and you need people to tell you people change?

if you want out, then get out for both your sakes

thank you for your service to our great country
okeydokie is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 02-10-2010, 09:48 PM   #6 (permalink)
mis
Registered User
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 6
Default Re: Fed Up - Want out, but she is asking me to give our marriage a chance



I understand wanting to get out of a bad situation so bad that you don't want to take any more of your time explaining why, but you never gave this girl a chance. She seems like she's having a really difficult time and you don't seem to care about anything but yourself. If you don't care about her leave for her sake and yours. Relationships are work. Talk to your wife APOLOGIZE for being so selfish, and work things out if you think you can. For how many years you both put in why not try everything you can? Everyone gets caught up in themselves at some point, sometimes it just takes someone else to point out what we're doing wrong.
mis is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-11-2010, 03:17 AM   #7 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Arlington VA
Posts: 9
Default Re: Fed Up - Want out, but she is asking me to give our marriage a chance

All

I didn't feel that I wanted to try to save my marriage. Sometime my W does not get the point. So yes, I spent our anniversay with someone else, I walked out Xmas Eve. It's the only way to show her I was serious about wanting a separation.

Okay, it sounds like I am a jerk, but I love and care for my wife. I just need something more than she can give.
TiredSpouse is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-11-2010, 08:09 AM   #8 (permalink)
Member
 
turnera's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 25,036
Default Re: Fed Up - Want out, but she is asking me to give our marriage a chance

Quote:
Originally Posted by TiredSpouse View Post
All

I didn't feel that I wanted to try to save my marriage. Sometime my W does not get the point. So yes, I spent our anniversay with someone else, I walked out Xmas Eve. It's the only way to show her I was serious about wanting a separation.

Okay, it sounds like I am a jerk, but I love and care for my wife. I just need something more than she can give.
Well, at least you're doing ONE thing right - leaving your wife so she can find a decent husband.
turnera is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-11-2010, 11:05 AM   #9 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 93
Default Re: Fed Up - Want out, but she is asking me to give our marriage a chance

It may just be the way you're writing it but you do come off a little selfish.

When my marriage got rocky I had a conversation with my wife about how we would separate if either of us made that final decision, you really need to be careful about how you do these things or you can completely destroy the other persons soul.

If you can fight in a war, surely you can be man enough to leave the woman compassionately and at least slightly soften her pain.
f1r3f1y3 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-11-2010, 01:53 PM   #10 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 130
Default Re: Fed Up - Want out, but she is asking me to give our marriage a chance

Not only do you come across as selfish and insensitive, you won't really take responsibility for your role in your marriage problems and you aren't willing to work on them. Maybe your wife verbally abuses you in response to your emotional abuse of her? IDK. Regardless, it sounds like you would do her a favor to call it a day on this marriage.
Bluemoon7 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-12-2010, 08:54 PM   #11 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Arlington VA
Posts: 9
Default Re: Fed Up - Want out, but she is asking me to give our marriage a chance

I just don't know how to deal with her nagging! I just want some peace and sleep. She has been calling and asking for just a brief conversation discuss all options.

Well I want to talk divorce because there are larger decisions to make now that I will be deployed soon. I have ask her to help me help us. She continues to indicate that maybe I should seek help. Why?

If she hadn't taken this separation so badly, I may have been more interested in discussing reconcilation.
TiredSpouse is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-12-2010, 09:20 PM   #12 (permalink)
Member
 
turnera's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 25,036
Default Re: Fed Up - Want out, but she is asking me to give our marriage a chance

I'm sorry, but...What an a$$. I hope she takes you to the cleaners.
turnera is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-12-2010, 09:28 PM   #13 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 13
Default Re: Fed Up - Want out, but she is asking me to give our marriage a chance

hi tiredspouse,
I just read that your from MC? IS the muscle creation site right? are taking steroids too? cos my husband are really addictive in those kind of stuff thats why he's messed up with he's decision. He's taken testosterone propionate to gain muscle but he needs to take another pills to counteract the side effects of the steroid. plus taking that stuff make you feel irritated all the time thats why H cannot talk properly to W. He lied so much things, he talks to diff woman and i guess he cheated on me too. anyways, my H started going to tanning salon, strated going to lazer clinic to removed his chest hair, he's started going to whiten his teeth and also shops a lot of expensive clothes. You feel macho ha!? We'll is that what you want? You will not gain real happiness and peacefulness in your marriage life cos your shallow. Please be wise now that you're in your 40's. Only few W can handle like H like you. No offense just think and pray!
tony is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 07-10-2010, 02:11 PM   #14 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Arlington VA
Posts: 9
Unhappy Re: Fed Up - Want out, but she is asking me to give our marriage a chance

I am very confused about what I want to do regarding my marriage.
TiredSpouse is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 07-10-2010, 02:19 PM   #15 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Arlington VA
Posts: 9
Unhappy Re: Fed Up - Want out, but she is asking me to give our marriage a chance

My wife appears very caring toward me. I am now in Afghanistan after being deployed in early May 2010. I was very upset with her before leaving because I really wanted to have a separation agreement in place before leaving, but she told me that if I wanted a D, then I would have to do the work alone because she didn't feel that she should have to spend money on hiring a lawyer for a divorce she did not want.

My wife, from time to time send me messages that just inquire about how I am doing. I feel indifferent most times because I know she wants to reconcile. But I still have those months of arguements in my mind and don't believe I will ever get over it. Because for years, I didn't think I wanted to be with her.

But she is only person ever in my life that has treated me with kindness. Still confused about what to do, but I will have a lost of time to think because I am here for 1 year. Anyone willing to give me their thoughts?
TiredSpouse is offline   Reply With Quote
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Would you give a cheater a THIRD chance ? YellowRoses Coping with Infidelity 109 08-25-2012 03:28 AM
Tried to give yet ANOTHER chance...think I'm really fed up this time luckycardinal Considering Divorce or Separation 7 04-11-2012 09:42 AM
Should I give him another chance? LeighN Considering Divorce or Separation 3 08-04-2010 03:57 PM
Do I give him another chance? confusedgirl1980 Physical & Mental Health Issues 2 01-20-2010 05:26 PM

Member Area

Find a Therapist:


Sponsor Ads


Sponsor Ads




Get The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory Help Guide via Email:
Name:
Email:




All times are GMT -5. The time now is 07:10 AM.



Copyright 2007 - 2013 © Talk About Marriage