Fed Up - Want out, but she is asking me to give our marriage a chance
Okay - sorry for the long post, and I am sure some of you will be surprised by how this goes... So here goes:
I just registered so this is my first post and boy am I fed up with my marriage. I am 48 and my W is 40 (first marriage for her, second for me). We have been married for 5 1/2 years, but together for 10. I feel that my marriage is over and I want out! For the last 3 years, my W has seemed intent on being angry for the rest of her life and who wants to come home to an angry spouse?
In December of 2008, I informed her that I wanted a separation and started to remove myself emotionally from any connection with her. She pulled at my heart so much during that time that I asked her to come home after work, but I did not say what need to change other than she needed to lose weight. She was a knockout when we first meet. Those we great times. I am not saying that I was with her because she was a knockout (the memories just made me think of that), but she was kind, strong, gentle, loving, and was persistent in her achievements.
People should tell you before marriage, that people change. All she has seemed to do over the last 3 years is complain and nag about what I am not doing around the house and appears to have issues with her family and work upon which she takes her frustration out on me (i.e. not talking to me when she arrives home). I know why she has been so angry which seems like the world. She was sexually abused as a child and discovered that her younger sister also experienced the same abuse about 3 years ago.
My wife never told me she said, because she believed it was 'buried" and that she was ashamed. In addition, I have also contributed by not expressing how I feel other than I want out. She is to blame for all of or issues! She knows it and has admitted what she considers her part, but that we both contaminated our relationship. I am not sure what I did other than love her. She even through the internet porn up in my face...ooh and that fact that she thinks I was and still having an affair. I have a friend, so what who I can speak to. She is like a guy.
Okay..I should come clean. I spent my anniversary evening with this OW. My wife kept calling me on my cell phone the entire night until I arrived home and that ended in an arguement. I wish she also knew this OW; she is a good friend with a good ear. My W thinks that I should be talking to her and not seeking solace from the OW.
So last summer I felt as though my relationship was over and continued spending Happy Hour with the OW. it was not until my W returned home early from a trip to find my car in the garage without me in the house. When I arrived home the next morning, I was surpirsed by my W as I was being dropped off by the OW. Boy, was my W upset. Well, I had lost weight earlier in the year, started going to the tanning salon, got Alase surgery to remove all of the hair from my chest, I even shopped at Abercrombie.
This lead to a huge arguement, but I didn't feel guilty. My W sought individual counseling to help deal with her personal abuse issues and anger and it seems to be working. In October of last year I agreed to go to MC, but it didn't work because I was not receptive. She has always been the emotional one, having confessed her "sins" to our marriage and herself to me, the MC, her counselor and she has even asked God for giveness. My W continued to profess her love for me and indicated that she was ready to renew her commitment to our marriage and that had gained more clarity about how "she" believes we go to this mess.
Well, after another long year or this, I left our house on Christmas Eve and I have not returned. I called her at work on Xmas Eve to tell my W that I left. She said I was insensitive.
I won't give her an inch. She keeps calling me on my cell and wants to discuss of spending some "time" together. I do not want to do that. I think it is over and I told her that I wanted a divorce. I am being deployed to Afghanistan in April and I just want to draw up the Property Disposition so I don't have to worry about this when I get back.
I know this sounds extremely harsh, but am I wrong to just want out? She seeams to think she is dealing with her crisis, but indicated that I may be going through a mid-life crisis. I doubt that. Could she right about life throwing us a hardball and that this is a major "wake-up" call? I love her and care for her, but I don't "feel" that I want to be with her. Or am I possibly missing out a great future with my W?