im experianceing some problems whit my wife that im hopeing to get ideas/sugestions as to what i can to.
I am 29 years old she is 37 we have been married for just over 2 years and together for almost 6. she has 2 kids ages 11 and 6 and we dont talk to each other anymore she has almost no interest in me or what i do as long as, " i keep the house clean, have food in the house, get the kids to and from school, and what ever other meanial task she wants done" . oh and i make dinner i shop for the food alone and when she gets home from work she lays down on the couch gets her laptop turns on the T.V. and ignores me im not alowed to even sugjest we have sex anymore through action or saying the words, and now she has started going out leaveing me at home, comeing home late from work, and sometimes i think she is lieing to me about what has been going on, but i have no way of proveing it
i have read them and thought about my situation with my marrage. Hear is what i have concluded too.
I have been doing too much for her with nothing in return, yes i have a house to live in becouse right now im not working but that about it. I have let her use me and I have saved her from the very start, I have alwase been the one to Interupt what i wanted to do so i could do something for her or just so she didnt have to do it or do what she wanted insted of what i wanted.
Well thats my problem what i dont know how to do is change the action with out haveing a negitve reaction. I could just go with my innital thought wich is that comes to a stop RIGHT NOW and start saying I will not get you something when im doing what i want, I will not cancle my plans to do what you want, and I will not be you personal slave/***** anymore.
But i have a feeling thats the wrong way to go about makeing the change, i would go from the slave boy/**** to just an ******* that is no longer welcome to share her bed/her home and her life and that not what i want.
What is your typical day like when the kids are in school? That would be the place to start...forget about what to say to her or trying to make her change and start with just using the time you do have to the best of your ability...if I were out of work, I'd spend most of my free time looking for work and/or looking into some training for a different line of work, etc. I'd also spend time doing some sort of physical activity...the better you feel about yourself the more attractive you will appear to those around you.
7:00 am wake up get kids ready for school
8:00 drop kids off at school
8:15-10:00 look for work
10:00-12:00 clean house
1:00- 2:30 work out with WII or some other type of phsyical activity
2:40 pick up kids at school
3:00-when wife gets home; find activity's for the kids and my self to do with out too much fighting,argueing, and keeps us busy not just watching T,V.
after wife gets home i try to avoid arguments with her at all costs (has even got to the point that i have my model trains set up in the basement where i can hide
A confrontation may be counterproductive, sitting her down and laying down the law in one bold statement. First, because if you set an ultimatum and then cave in, you'll be worse off than you were to start with. Second, because it may lead to yelling and complaining. And third, because actions speak louder than words.
This is why being "passive aggressive" was invented. Normally that's not real healthy, but done in just the right way it conveys a "I'm doing my stuff now and it's important, and you have to wait" message, which is a way of asserting your own importance without being explicitly confrontational.
In any exchange you have with her, do not raise your voice. If you yell, you've lost control, and she wins the exchange.
If she wants something done, and you don't want to do it, you say "mm-hmm" and don't look up from what you're doing. If she presses, you say "I'll try and get to it in a minute.", but don't look up. If she gets testy, look up slowly and say "I don't see what the emergency is. If you're in a hurry, just go take care of it yourself. Sheesh." Then turn back to what you're doing.
If she asks why something didn't get done, if it's something you didn't want to do, or never want to do again, shrug and say "Didn't feel like it." If it's just something you didn't think of as real important, you say "No special reason, I just had other things to do first." If she wants you to interrupt what you're doing to do something else, you say "I'll see if I can get to it in a minute." You're deflecting confrontation, and you're not issuing any ultimatums or trying to lay down the law or anything. You're just doing your stuff, taking care of what you see as important or interesting.
Don't stop doing the things for your family that your normally do, but be sure to do them the way you like, and don't ask for her input. Make what you want for dinner. Go do something with the kids that you know she'd like to do, but leave before she gets home from work and get back after you know she'd be home. Eat your dinner with the kids at McDonald's, and bring her a burger and the remaining fries for her dinner. Don't go out of your way to make her dinner cold, or anything, but at the same time don't put a lot of effort into doing things for someone who doesn't appreciate it. If she asks why you did something, or did something without her, say "Just felt like it." That's the only explanation you have to give.
Do not start complaining. Nobody likes a whiner. Do as you see fit.
In addition to the books already mentioned, be sure to read Dale Carnegie's book How To Win Friends And Influence People. Read it all the way through twice. (Some of the stuff in there might also help you land/keep a job, which it sounds like you need.)
ok now i realy need help i found a message on my wife's old cell phone to her sister last friday stateing in short words that she was mad becouse i had been working almost every night last week and that we were more roomates than anything and that she wasnt even treating me like her husband any more the same night she stays out till 3am "at the bar" What do i do, should i call her out on it or just let it go?