What can you do when another man is moving in on your wife?
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Old 03-20-2010, 08:03 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default What can you do when another man is moving in on your wife?

I'm not having any particular issue on this front in my own marriage, but I keep seeing this issue cropping up in multiple threads and would like to know how to offer better advice. It seems to come in a couple of basic forms.

1. The boss / co-worker expressing lots of interest.

2. The old friend / Facebook guy.

Pointedly, the wife seems to start getting hooked into the relationship.

So here is the general question. When another guy is obviously seeking to seduce your wife - and I don't mean just mild occassional flirting, but obviously trying to progress things towards the bedroom - what can a husband do to intervene effectively?
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Old 03-20-2010, 09:08 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: What can you do when another man is moving in on your wife?

Hey Atholk! I read your blog - it's awesome! I'd love to do some work with you someday.

I would say if another man, or woman is moving in on your partner, then you should take it up with your partner. If your partner isn't willing to create a comfortable distance and stand up for the stability of the marriage - that's where the problem is, not with other people.

Of course, you could also pursue a friendship with the "intruder". You've heard the saying "Keep your friends closer and your enemies closer". "Old Facebook Friend" isn't going to feel so hot pursuing your wife when you've sent a friend request to him and are commenting on his comments, etc..., the same with the boss/co-worker - show up out of the blue and surprise them all with lunch. Not only will you get to be seen as a "great guy" to be so supportive of his wife's work, you'll be able to scope things out a little up close for yourself - which is always helpful.

Also, make sure your keeping your partner satisfied and busy doing things with you that will keep their mind off whatever it is they might be getting from that outsider.

Hope that helps!
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Old 03-20-2010, 10:14 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: What can you do when another man is moving in on your wife?

What if other male is fairly assertive and simply does not give a damn about the husband good guy or not. And the wife is starting to get attracted to the other man.

Other than asking the wife to not get involved, what can the husband do? I'm not sure friendship is the answer. Plenty of guys have their "best friend" be the one the wife cheats with.
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Old 03-21-2010, 10:19 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: What can you do when another man is moving in on your wife?

Invite the guy over to your house. Give him the tour of the yard and the garage and the shed and so on. Point out where you put your initials in the wet concrete and the tree you planted on your tenth wedding anniversary. When you get to the shed, point over in the corner and say "Oh, now, you have be really careful with that. That's a wood chipper, and anything that falls in there disappears forever, permanently and untraceably." Look him straight in the face while you say this part. Don't smile.
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Old 03-21-2010, 11:01 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: What can you do when another man is moving in on your wife?

I've run into this a few times. Not the part where my wife gets hooked on the attention though.

I have been blessed with an incredible wife. She is very smart and also physically hott. She is also very outgoing and works in a field where personal magnetism is very much required. So people come onto her. 9 times out of 10 she can handle it on her own. So can I. But we always tell each other.

For us it all comes down to communication and trust. We talk A LOT. and have made a conscious decision to be as transparent as possible with each other. She tells me when people flirt with her. and I do the same. We also make sure that the people at her job and mine know us as a couple.

The last man to be real persistent with her was a co-worker. Did she enjoy the attention? Sure, who doesn't. But she and I know our boundaries and stick to them. And if something carries on we do what we can to keep ourselves out of the situation.

In his case the normal things did not seem to work so she made sure to introduce me to him every chance we got. We were openly affectionate with each other in front of him. Holding hands, little pecks sort of thing. Nothing publicly inappropriate, just 2 people in mushy love with each other. Which we are She had to be careful with it because he outranked her in the firm.

In the end it did escalate and we had to humiliate him in front of his wife and peers at the Christmas party. My wife got a promotion for that!
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Old 03-22-2010, 12:25 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: What can you do when another man is moving in on your wife?

We are simple creatures. If another man has designs on your wife, he is pursuing the pleasure principle; the hunt, the thrill, the win, the attention, the sex.

Wreck that equation. Make the pursuit and conquest have a pain quotient, and odds are he will move on. Remus' case is a perfect example.

And of course when all else fails, there is always the scorched earth policy. I've thought about this one on numerous occasions.

In terms of scorched earth I mean being a spoiler, not harming anyone - although I would also not rule out a good 'ol Mexican standoff. I mean that your relationship is over, but taking whatever steps or actions are required to all but assure that they cannot transition the affair into mainstream, respectable relationship.
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Old 03-22-2010, 12:04 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: What can you do when another man is moving in on your wife?

Honestly, my gut reaction is that if another dude starts making moves on my wife, my fists will be making moves on his face.


The more rational answer would be to sit down and discuss it with my wife. Make sure that she's not promoting the attention she's getting from the individual and ensure that everything is still kosher between us and that our relationship is solid.

Following that would be a 3 strike system:

The offender already has one strike, so I would think my wife would inform them that their attention is unwanted and demand that it stop.

If the behavior continues, that's strike two. I would confront the individual and inform him that his behavior is unwanted, that I am well informed of it, and that he has one strike left.

If the behavior STILL continues, Strike three. I would kick the ever-loving $#!+ out of him
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Old 03-22-2010, 12:33 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: What can you do when another man is moving in on your wife?

IMO, it lies 100% with the partner!! He or in this scenario "she" should make it clear where her heart lies. If after repeated attmempts by the other party to still coerce her for something more she should end the friendship.

My wife has people that hit on her all the time and I'm very "unjealous" but she is clear as day with all of them.

If your taking care of things at home physical, emotional, financial most women don't want to stray nor do most men.

I guess if your saying "she is feeling attracted" I don't know I guess it's how much information you have and how much access you have to the "man friend".

I would protect my wife/life, but again if she's getting interested it's a "partner" issue. She/he should be able to get hit on day in and day out and be fine with it.
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Old 03-22-2010, 02:55 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: What can you do when another man is moving in on your wife?

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IMO, it lies 100% with the partner!!
I'm 98% in agreement. If your wife begins feeling harassed, then you need to do something a bit more drastic.

The "Facebook" guy can be "unfriended." The boss - talk to HR.

And other guys can get their asses kicked.

As with most above though, my wife is the one I have to live with and she's the one that I would need to trust.
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Old 03-22-2010, 06:40 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: What can you do when another man is moving in on your wife?

My bit is functioning under the notion that your partner is successfully being lured away.

It's a two front battle. Nobody decides to cheat out of the blue - the groundwork is set between you and your partner long before Mr. Scoop comes along. And lets face it, if the relationship issues don't get sorted out, it won't matter how many suitors you have to fend off ... you've lost.

I think we get caught up in the idea of civility and appropriateness, which is why it's easier to be furious about another man moving in on your partner - but instead try to shore up the relationship. My opinion is, at this point you are already too late, and quite possibly, you are better off going after TOM in an effort to squelch any blossoming romance.

I don't want to get into the whole alpha/beta thing, but there is a lot to be said for being assertive and unafraid of confrontation. Confrontation needn't mean an ass-kicking either.

At the good old evolutionary level, I don't doubt that your partner would raise a stink if you make it clear that you are going to confront the other man. But ... actually doing so, sends a very clear message, and one that despite her protests, at some level is going to change her perception of you.
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Old 03-22-2010, 06:55 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: What can you do when another man is moving in on your wife?

Thanks for replies.
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Old 03-23-2010, 07:43 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: What can you do when another man is moving in on your wife?

as a wife i wanted to chim in... i am red head and may have said they could never tell i had kids... ok that is me.

now there was a guy single that was riding motorcyles with our group... he is 5 years younger than myself (my husband is 5 years older than me) and he started well little hints that he like me, that my hubby was not treating me right, and well that stuff...

i let him know i was ok happy with my marriage and yes not all perfect but neither was i... general talk. he text me nice jokes and basic ride information.. then he started showing up EVERY where i was and i even changed my phone number but he got it again... where from my HUBBY... and when hubby went fishing only time i ever have my time no hubby no kids... i clean in the day and sit in hot tub with wine and have me time.... HE showed up.. yep found out from my hubby he was away..

now i told my hubby (and not wanting him to go all ape on him) that he was getting to close and i was not comfortable with it... my hubby smiled and said "he is a guy and your hot" you will handle it...??

anyway 3 years later... when the single guy is dating it cools off but as soon as he is single again then back to letting me know he is there to catch me if i fall...and he even told me one night he loved me the girl he was dating was there and she went a wall him and flipped out and she went to my hubby... ok now hubby mad.... but AT ME... for not handling it.

ok my hubby don't have all the hair he use to, he gained weight and he has to take pills (age) but i still love him but the old him 3 years ago would of kicked the snot out of this guy not give him my NEW NUMBER...?? i even pointed out that to him that he gave him the who what and where to keep in touch with me...

ok i cut ties with the guy all together... i made it known i will not take it i am tired of it... my phone has been quiet for 3 months.. nice... but every time my hubby gets to drinking some he says so how is you boy friend doing... mmmm i hear he is single or he took a job right down the street from where we live... or what ever and i say... ?? you know more than me maybe he is your boyfriend... then i found out he has been talking to him.... about bikes and cars and stuff...

can't he see this guy just getting info on our lives....

sorry i wanted to answer your question... talk to your wife... or lady if she is aware of the man and thinks she can handle then great give her that she is adult... but let her know when she needs you to back her up you will... then show him the shredder in the yard....
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Old 03-23-2010, 10:09 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: What can you do when another man is moving in on your wife?

I think a lot of it has to do with how you feel about and value your wife. In my own personal case, I would never hurt a "thief" who was trying to "steal my trash". Go ahead take her. It'll save me a fortune in alimony.

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Old 03-23-2010, 01:53 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: What can you do when another man is moving in on your wife?

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I think a lot of it has to do with how you feel about and value your wife. In my own personal case, I would never hurt a "thief" who was trying to "steal my trash". Go ahead take her. It'll save me a fortune in alimony.

LIL
In Connecticut we put our oversized unwanted non-trash items on the side of the outside our house to get rid of them. Maybe that would work for you LIL.

We got rid of a cat pee soaked sofa one night like that. We sat inside the house mouths covered as they loaded up and then roared with laughter as they drove away.
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Old 03-24-2010, 09:56 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: What can you do when another man is moving in on your wife?

some people will take anything.. that is to funny
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