Thank you Uptown and Mr Nice,
Yes I have learnt from counselling that there are different degrees of sexuality and we tend to want to put tags (names) to them bi, homosexual and heterosexual etc. but in the end your life partner should be very clear on the rules of engagement. The computer and cell phone are all open I made it that way. I have full access to everything. We are going back to a counsellor this Thursday because I don't know how a heterosexual man can get seduced by a bisexual man without being at least bisexual himself. (there go the tags again) From most of the resposes I have gotten from heterosexual men there is NO way this would happen. No man is going to touch you. My husband says it was a mistake, he didn't enjoy it, it was a one time thing...etc he is heterosexual.
Is it possible that he was so ****ed up from the porn and depressed from unemployment that he lost it and got head from a guy? kinda of like mental illness...depression acted out. This is where we are now. I am really looking forward to hearing from the therapist he was seeing about this.I love my husband and 25 years of marriage and two beautiful children. Please God give me my peace of mind back. If this is some kind of repressed desire he needs to let it out. I would hate to have that problem.
You are absolutely right: if he is revealing a long-secret desire, then perhaps the best thing to do is to let him know it is ok, and you understand. You cannot risk your healthy by having sex with someone who has sex with another--it's pretty much that simple. So, you may choose divorce or legal separation but as an act of kindness and self-protection, nothing else. You seem to understand he may be dealing with something very serious, and you seem to be compassionate about it. Stick with the counseling and see where it goes.
FWIW, I cannot see a straight guy "straying" for a gay hook-up. Bi or gay. Def not straight, IMHO. And like you, I'd rather help someone I love with that, than deny them access to their true self.
Obviously from my perspective it is VERY confusing, therefore we will continue with the therapy. Most heterosexual men I have asked say no way! No man will ever touch me! so I guess that leaves me with alot of questions for his therapist to answer on Thursday.
I have been with this man for over 30 years. He is 50 years old one would think if he was homosexual or had bi tendencies there would have been some clue by now...ie. anal sex, not liking oral sex on me, looking at men, looking at gay porn etc
He was unemployed for over a year and he was spending alot of time rotting away in "porn land". I have read how porn effects the brain and it is quite remarkable, doctors equate the high of seretonin and dopamine to a cocaine high. No wonder it is additive. After you get addicted to the chicks with men, your brain wants a chick with two men, then two women one man, shemales, gang bangs, bisexual, homosexual etc etc not necessarily in that order. My point is it becomes the norm. Pubic hair is old fashioned and one night you look down at your genitals and think the hair on your testes is gross as well. You are now in the "PORN ZONE" somewhat like the twilight zone...not reality but an escape. Why does my wife have pubic hair? why doesn't she want me up her ass and her cousin Bobby in her mouth...you are now in a bottomless pit. Anyway I got on a porn tangent there.
I believe my husband was in some pit, powerless and depressed. Why a blow job from a guy? I don't know? Was he trying to regain his power without thinking he was cheating on me? He lost control. Is he in the closet?
Only time will tell...I love this man so much but I would never want him to be in denial for my sake...pray for me
I asked him how it felt when he was receiving from this man and he said he was having a hard time staying erect so he said he closed his eyes and thought of a woman. Here in is a big question I have for the therapist. He was so disconnected that he was physically with a man but had to fantasize about a woman to ejaculate. Don't you think he has a problem? He was out of control...
Amanda, i'll just say that, far from being psychobabble, Uptown's contribution is a simple, lucid exposition of the experiences of many men - and women - and certainly accurately describes a period of change in my life up to my mid-twenties.
It's very possible that your husband was so distressed and disorientated by his unemployment that he impulsively did something he had previously denied himself. So in that sense it's possible for a man who functions as a hetero to receive oral - and very possible he wishes he hadn't crossed that boundary. I suggest lots of loving dialogue and some counseling too as the most wholesome way of resolving your doubts.
Don't listen to that psychobabble from Uptown unless sources are divulged. .... That's the biggest load of crap I've ever read. I want to see that survey.
Cody, I was referring to the Alfred Kinsey survey of 20,000 men which was pathbreaking because he was the first researcher to recognize a distinction between homosexuality and bisexuality. That study found that nearly 46% of the male subjects had "reacted" sexually to persons of both sexes in the course of their adult lives and 37% had at least one homosexual experience. Those reports are discussed at length at wikipedia.org and at kinseyinstitute.org.
The Institute later reduced the 37% figure to 36% after culling out the male prostitutes and ex-prisoners from the 20,000 participants in the survey -- in response to critics complaining that inclusion of those people had caused the figures to be too high. Other critics have complained that the figures are biased too low because they are based on self-reported data that were collected in face-to-face interviews at a time when men were afraid to admit to such activity.
Thank you steve71 I am hoping for the off chance that in therapy I will learn that it was a once in a lifetime regretable brain fart and if not I will have to trust that more will be revealed to me in time...ah the joys of marriage it's such a leap of faith...thank you uptown I will speak to the Kinsey report in therapy as well...PS tell your wives how much you love them tonight! hope you all get lucky! hell maybe even a ... you are all wonderful. Be good.
i checked with my totally gay friend (was married and had 2 children before he opened up) ok here was his input...
he meets men out and about and some are married and happy with there wifes and kids and house and dog set up... and yes they dip on the wanting a bj from a man for a few reasons but one for sure they say a man gives well because he knows what he likes so he can give it...?
can he get bj from a man and not be gay... my friend says yes it is the line they draw saying i am a real man i only get bj's... ok
with that said my bf also said that "that is where it normally starts and more will follow if allowed"
OK. I'll get my knuckledragging, mouthbreathing butt out of here and bow to the expertise of a Kinsey report and real life queer. But keep in mind, you asked for opinions of hetro men. So if your keeping score at home, it's:
Not a chance in hell - 2
Back when I was WAY confused about my sexuality I'd have done it - 1
Yes, I'm a totally straight man and I'd think about it - 0
Not a statistically representative sample, but a start.
I'm sorry, Amanda1959. I imagine it must be really hard. The good news is, if he's bi, he's still interested in you. He may have just had this unexplored side of his sexuality and between that and the depression/unemployment, he weakened. If he's bi yet willing to remain monogamous, would that be ok? That's not different than a hetero person remaining monogamous--if you can get over his lapse. You sound pretty smart and thoughtful, so my money is on you working this through, and ending up happy at the end, one way or another. God bless.
I don't know. . . I tend to be of Cody's "cut" in that I have spent 0 hours ever thinking/masturbating about having sex with men. So i am straight as the come.
That being said, i have to respect the Kinsey Report just on seeing this forum alone on the Sex in Marriage part.
I called some people out there about men fantasizing about their wife sticking phallic objects up their butt and it being "gay". The men who liked this vehemently deny the act is "gay", that it massages their prostate (it may - I have no clue nor wish to find out) but I don't know. . .it does show me the lined is certainly blurred even if I am on the farther end of that line.
I do like show tunes though. See if he has some show tunes on his Ipod, ha, ha.
Sorry, bad joke. . .anyhoo. . .this is going to be a tough one. I just went on a date with a woman who's marriage ended over her completely normal "heterosexual" husband who cross-dressed. She was devastated and after I laughed (she laughed too as she told it), I really felt sorry for her as her son discovered it.
amanda... you i am sure feeling just like when a straight man cheats or looks anywhere out side the normal in a marriage.. now what you do about it is up to you...
lay down the law and say we are married are we staying that path and staying committed? or if he has those thoughts and keeps them down in his need to go to when alone and taking care of business then so be it...
or are you ok with dappling in the double play man hubby and you?
one thing to this is most men that are ok with swinging or 3's normally go for the girl girl guy idea and no way would another man enter that pic...
you and him are at a cross roads that happens lots in a marriage or relationship now you know you and him need to make a plan that each of you are ok with.
Whilst I 100% agree with the either gay or not talk from the other guys... personally I couldn't have a BJ off another guy, and I've been offered a few times (my oldest pal is gay and offered...to try and convince me it would feel just as good) and a fellow sailor in the Navy also pestered to suck me a few times too. No thanks.
Another guy I know had oral sex off his friends housemaid and she was infact a "he" and whilst he literally puked and all but scrubbed his own skin off in the shower he did say it felt just the same.
Can I ask... Is he easily turned-on and erect etc with you? To my mind that would be more important to know.
I'd be tempted to say the adultery is the issue, more than the flavour of it. But then, if he was curious about another guy, there's, um, "equipment issues" that you'll simply not be able to offer.
I think y'all need to talk a lot lot more before taking any serious decisions. This is a real pickle.