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Old 09-29-2013, 09:17 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default ? For Men - What makes you feel respected?

There is of course a "story" behind this question but I don't think it's necessary to get into it all right now. So to get to the point, I am trying to adopt a more submissive frame with my husband of 12 years. He is a great guy and generally easygoing, so it isn't as if he has a whole lot of demands for me to attend to. But I don't think he should be "punished" for being laid back, so, guys, what can/does your wife do that makes you feel like THE MAN; that makes you feel important and respected? I am trying to do what I can think of, but since I'm not a guy, I may be missing something . Thanks in advance .
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Old 09-29-2013, 10:09 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: ? For Men - What makes you feel respected?

I think the story might be necessary... my opinion...

I might just be having a hard time getting a grasp of your question. I treat other people with respect and expect to be treated in the same way. I was going to say that I demand respect, but that is not true. What I mean is that I can't "demand" respect. I can't make someone give it to me when they don't want to.

But I can limit my relationship with them, if they do not give me respect. Not so much a "demand" but definitely I am giving consequences for certain behavior.

Maybe my point is that your husband needs to be more along these lines. Maybe he needs to have more expectations of you. You seem like someone who would respond to a little leadership in this area.

It is hard to give respect when someone is not leading.
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Old 09-29-2013, 10:49 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: ? For Men - What makes you feel respected?

We did a study on the book Love & Respect by Emerson Eggrich (sp?). It talked about these things.

Some things that stick out:
Talk about positive things you like about your husband in front of others. Do not state the negative things in front of others.

When you seek his opinion, follow it. This is a big one for my wife. She used to often ask my opinion on something, but what she really wanted was for me to agree with what she was going to do. If I didn't, then she would tell me reasons why I should agree with her. She has learned that it is perfectly fine to tell me what she has planned, instead of asking for my opinion, but only if I agree.

Let him make decisions. I see too many households where the male is treated as a bumbling idiot. This is often portrayed in television the same way. Just simple things. Let him choose where you go to dinner some times....things like that....

Don't criticize every move. If you are driving somewhere and he is going a different route than you would, don't criticize.

There are more from the book and DVD study...these are just a few that I recall....these were the most common things in our discussion group from the men.
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Old 09-29-2013, 10:58 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: ? For Men - What makes you feel respected?



Simply just don't piss me off heh
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Old 09-29-2013, 11:19 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: ? For Men - What makes you feel respected?

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Originally Posted by minimouse View Post
There is of course a "story" behind this question but I don't think it's necessary to get into it all right now. So to get to the point, I am trying to adopt a more submissive frame with my husband of 12 years. He is a great guy and generally easygoing, so it isn't as if he has a whole lot of demands for me to attend to. But I don't think he should be "punished" for being laid back, so, guys, what can/does your wife do that makes you feel like THE MAN; that makes you feel important and respected? I am trying to do what I can think of, but since I'm not a guy, I may be missing something . Thanks in advance .
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OK, I'll play. So, speaking as a man to my wife to make me feel more respected, how about:

Not calling me @$$, Jerk, B@$stard, The King (sarcastically).

Don't criticize or make fun of me or my birth family in front of
our children or other people.

Acknowledge that I have contributed to our family by providing the sole income for 19 of the last 20 years.

Acknowledging that I am and have been working on my sex addiction by going to 12 step meetings, IC, seeing a psychiatrist, taking my prescribed meds, going to MC.

Actually care about my emotional needs and ask what you can do to meet them, then do it.

Stop using my addiction to beat me down and lift yourself up.

Admit and work on her problems instead of hyperfocusing on everything I do.

Recognize I'm working on being a better man.

Let me know you desire me and love me as I am, flawed though I may be.

Be nice to me instead of mean to me.


Obviously lack of respect is a big problem among many in my marriage, which is why we are at the likely end of this marriage.



I went back and read this again. Jeepers! I must be an epic buzzkill.

And as I am writing this my wife is printing an article about "Interpersonal Relationship Trauma." sigh

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Old 09-30-2013, 12:02 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: ? For Men - What makes you feel respected?

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Originally Posted by minimouse View Post
There is of course a "story" behind this question but I don't think it's necessary to get into it all right now. So to get to the point, I am trying to adopt a more submissive frame with my husband of 12 years. He is a great guy and generally easygoing, so it isn't as if he has a whole lot of demands for me to attend to. But I don't think he should be "punished" for being laid back, so, guys, what can/does your wife do that makes you feel like THE MAN; that makes you feel important and respected? I am trying to do what I can think of, but since I'm not a guy, I may be missing something . Thanks in advance .
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I am married to the type of man you describe here...he is very laid back, easy to get along with...what he would find Respectful from me... is :

1. Attending to his needs without being asked...

2. Showing appreciation/ validation ... for all he does for you, for his family...what he brings to your life...

3. If he has any thoughts, be careful to Listen.. take an active role in helping him accomplish or being a part of his plan. Not speaking over him or going ahead of him.

Quote:
RESPECT Definition here .....

1. Esteem for or a sense of the worth or excellence of a person, a personal quality or ability, or something considered as a manifestation of a personal quality or ability: I have great respect for her judgment.

2. deference to a right, privilege, privileged position, or someone or something considered to have certain rights or privileges; proper acceptance or courtesy; acknowledgment: respect for a suspect's right to counsel; to show respect for the flag; respect for the elderly.

3. the condition of being esteemed or honored:



This is a Book that has over 780 reviews ...

Quote:
Love And Respect By Eggerichs - Book Review

"Love And Respect" by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs is a phenomenal marriage tool that should be in the hands of every husband and wife. This book has drastically changed my approach to marriage, especially helping my husband and I understand each other and our responses a bit better. This book highlights some of the greatest communication mysteries that have perplexed husbands and wives for centuries! Eggerichs and his wife discovered a truth regarding marriages found in Ephesians 5:33,

“However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.”
Eggerichs and his wife began to focus on love and respect in their own marriage and saw instant change begin to take place. They began speaking on this obvious truth laid out for husbands and wives in Ephesians, eventually creating the Love and Respect Marriage Conference. Thousands and thousands of marriages were being encouraged and many saved from the threat of divorce by attending the conference, which inspired Eggerichs to expand on the love and respect principle in this book.


In Love And Respect,

Eggerichs immediately challenges that love alone is not enough for marriage. He refers back to Ephesians 5:33 and explains why respecting your husband is so vital in a marriage relationship and how respecting your husband fulfills a huge need he, and every man was designed by God to have. Eggerichs also acknowledges the “husband audience” explaining the need all wives have to feel unconditionally loved and how constantly affirming that love will motivate wives to respect them. Eggerichs does a fantastic job of addressing both husbands and wives, their needs, as well as what each is responsible for in their marriage relationship.

Eggerichs presents three different cycles that help to evaluate marriage relationships. Being aware of these cycles in your marriage will definitely challenge the way you love and respect your spouse.
The first cycle he mentions is The Crazy Cycle. This is where wives respond to their husband with contempt or disrespect because they feel unloved and husbands get discouraged and stonewall, isolating themselves to avoid feeling disrespected, which in turn makes wives feel unloved.

These emotions drive husbands and wives to act out in many different ways, but putting it simply her negative responses are motivated by not feeling loved and his negative responses are motivated by not feeling respected. God commands us to love and respect in Ephesians because he created us with those needs. When those needs are not met, we respond selfishly.

The second cycle mentioned is referred to as The Energizing Cycle, in which case a husband or wife initiates a positive response, energizing the other to reciprocate a positive response. This is a great cycle in marriage, until someone drops the ball and no one desires to initiate again. If a husband or wife fails to initiate the marriage will quickly land back into The Crazy Cycle.

The third and final cycle is known as The Rewarded Cycle. This is where a husband or wife responds out of love and respect regardless of how the other spouse is behaving. This cycle requires a selfless attitude and humility, and it is a perfect example of what Christ would want husbands and wives to follow.

This book is filled with great examples, personal testimonies, and spot-on truths to many different trials husbands and wives face in a marriage relationship. This book gives a clear depiction of what God calls us to live out in marriage and it has fantastic solutions to how we can begin improving our relationships. I recommend that you get this book as soon as possible and read it with your spouse! Knowledge is power and this book brings a lot to the table! It will transform your marriage!
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Old 09-30-2013, 07:04 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Simply just don't piss me off heh
I've got this one down at least
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Old 09-30-2013, 07:12 AM   #8 (permalink)
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We did a study on the book Love & Respect by Emerson Eggrich (sp?). It talked about these things.

Some things that stick out:
Talk about positive things you like about your husband in front of others. Do not state the negative things in front of others.

When you seek his opinion, follow it. This is a big one for my wife. She used to often ask my opinion on something, but what she really wanted was for me to agree with what she was going to do. If I didn't, then she would tell me reasons why I should agree with her. She has learned that it is perfectly fine to tell me what she has planned, instead of asking for my opinion, but only if I agree.

Let him make decisions. I see too many households where the male is treated as a bumbling idiot. This is often portrayed in television the same way. Just simple things. Let him choose where you go to dinner some times....things like that....

Don't criticize every move. If you are driving somewhere and he is going a different route than you would, don't criticize.

There are more from the book and DVD study...these are just a few that I recall....these were the most common things in our discussion group from the men.
I don't ever speak negatively about him to anyone.

I also used to ask for his opinion when really I just wanted his agreement. I am consciously trying to follow his opinion when I ask for it now. Tough one when the other habit is so automatic!

I have never treated him like an idiot and I abhor the way men are depicted on TV so often. I am guilty of wanting him to choose dinner and then making it obvious I am not being crazy about his choice which is silly. That is another habit I'm trying to break. I'd rather go somewhere that isn't my first choice than spend 15 minutes going "I don't care, where do you want to go" back and forth lol.

Thank you for your input!
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Old 09-30-2013, 07:38 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: ? For Men - What makes you feel respected?

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Originally Posted by sparkyjim View Post
I think the story might be necessary... my opinion...

I might just be having a hard time getting a grasp of your question. I treat other people with respect and expect to be treated in the same way. I was going to say that I demand respect, but that is not true. What I mean is that I can't "demand" respect. I can't make someone give it to me when they don't want to.

But I can limit my relationship with them, if they do not give me respect. Not so much a "demand" but definitely I am giving consequences for certain behavior.

Maybe my point is that your husband needs to be more along these lines. Maybe he needs to have more expectations of you. You seem like someone who would respond to a little leadership in this area.

It is hard to give respect when someone is not leading.
I will try to share the story in a bit but some of it is so specific that I have to figure out how to tell it in a more generalized way.

I have never treated my husband poorly. I have always treated him with the general type of respect I would give any other human being. However, being that he isn't just any other human being, and given my personal views on marriage roles, I have always felt I owed him more deference, and the "s" word (submission) but since he's so laid back, it was easy NOT to step it up on my end. He isn't a pushover by any means, but yes, in a way, I probably have always wanted more leadership from him. Yet as I have become more conscious of things, I realize I have undermined the very thing I want from him by not always following his opinion when I asked for it, not taking care of requests he may have mentioned in passing so I didn't prioritize them, etc.

Because he is currently struggling with a (absolutely no fault of his own) life circumstance that has wreaked havoc on his confidence, I am very much trying to build him up. So now is not the time to pressure him by telling him I need him to amp up the leadership, but it is a good time for me to show him the extra respect he most certainly deserves (he is a great man, husband, dad). I have started paying full attention when he talks to me instead of just continuing with what I'm doing and uh-huhing, asking his opinion on more things, etc. And I have already noticed he is responding to it by actually offering his opinions and preferences more.
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Old 09-30-2013, 07:47 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: ? For Men - What makes you feel respected?

Foremost, outward signs of loving affection and refraining from belittling!

In a nutshell, just employ the Golden Rule: "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you!"
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Old 09-30-2013, 08:03 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: ? For Men - What makes you feel respected?

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Originally Posted by SimplyAmorous View Post
I am married to the type of man you describe here...he is very laid back, easy to get along with...what he would find Respectful from me... is :

1. Attending to his needs without being asked...

2. Showing appreciation/ validation ... for all he does for you, for his family...what he brings to your life...

3. If he has any thoughts, be careful to Listen.. take an active role in helping him accomplish or being a part of his plan. Not speaking over him or going ahead of him.
Thank you very good ideas.
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Old 09-30-2013, 09:08 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: ? For Men - What makes you feel respected?

What makes me feel respected is (in no particular order).. communication, getting help when needed, telling and showing affection, not stepping out on the relationship, having boundaries, a woman who respects her self.

I remember for my dad respect for him was, a wife who had a job, kept her mouth shut, and laid down with him whenever he wanted. Other than that he didn't give two sh*ts!
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Old 09-30-2013, 01:22 PM   #13 (permalink)
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What makes me feel respected is (in no particular order).. communication, getting help when needed, telling and showing affection, not stepping out on the relationship, having boundaries, a woman who respects her self.

I remember for my dad respect for him was, a wife who had a job, kept her mouth shut, and laid down with him whenever he wanted. Other than that he didn't give two sh*ts!
Funny about your dad I probably wouldn't have made it since I'm not good at keeping my mouth shut LOL
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Old 09-30-2013, 01:27 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: ? For Men - What makes you feel respected?

Not sure how applicable this is in your situation, but:

I have always considered it respectful to me when my W (and kids, for that matter) do not hesitate to give me bad news or tell me something that might upset me. To look at it from the opposite side: I consider it disrespectful to be treated as "Don't tell him, he can't handle it." Being kept in the dark is being disrespected, IMO.
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Old 09-30-2013, 05:50 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: ? For Men - What makes you feel respected?

I'll let you know if I ever get some.

/Rodney Dangerfield off
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