My wife nitpicks EVERYTHING!
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Old 04-01-2010, 10:10 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default My wife nitpicks EVERYTHING!

Okay, I feel I should consolidate all my threads and I will DEFINITELY start a thread about what I LOVE about my wife, because things are really ALL bad, but the bad things are what I need to vent about right now, so here's another (seemingly related) problem:

Since my wife and I were first together she constantly criticizes me and nitpicks what I do, how I do it, how I look, how I sound, everything.

She has an auditory problem that makes sounds bother her, but it's more than that.

It started out small: "Why do you stand like that?"

I was baffled. I went from being a single hermit, to that. Okay, maybe I do stand weird and unmanly, because no one has ever said anything and I was very comfortable with myself. Hadn't dated in years, didn't really care. She said it wasn't manly and looked weird (not in those words, much more subtle than that). That hurt my pride, though, but I started trying to change the way I stood, with my feet straight forward instead of ****ed to the side and no bend in my hip (really, I looked more like shaggy standing than girly, but whatever. She didn't think it was tough enough).

Then it was the way I said, "LAW-yer" instead of "LOY-yer" (It's the practice of LAW, not LOY, but sure, it's not the normal way to say it, kind of a southern thing).

Then it was the way I pick things up.
The way my head bobs when I talk.
The way I use my hands to speak.
The way I eat "bird-like."
The things I talk about.
The clothes I wore.
The way I did my hair.
The way I drive.
That I like a schedule.
The food I eat.

Honestly, this list could go on forever.

She doesn't say it really mean and don't imagine a nasally rude voice. It's not like that. But she DOES point everything out and tell me how she doesn't like it and how it should be and what she likes a man to be.

I thought we were supposed to accept each other for who we are?

I know some would argue that I'm not accepting this side of her, but the fact that everything I do seems to be wrong or annoying really hurts me. It's gotten to where I feel uncomfortable around here and am constantly watching what I'm doing, how I'm standing, etc. etc.

Oh, and she says that EVERY woman is like this. Every woman wants to change her husband and that it's perfectly natural. She doesn't care when I say it hurts my feelings.

Oh, and that's another one. I'm not supposed to have feelings, or get angry, or cry, or do anything but be a strong man who knows all the answers. Sure, I can understand the desire for someone to have everything ready to take care of the family. A little old fashioned, but whatever. I can understand it. But it's unrealistic. I can't be perfect man all the time. I work my ass off (literally only sleeping an hour a night), I make nearly all the money, I do everything I can to take care of her, make sure she's comfortable, able to sleep, the kids are okay, etc.

But sometimes I'm stressed, or sad, or something she says hurts my feelings and she says "You're too sensitive."

So, my sensitivity is turning into bitterness and anger. I don't want it too. I prided myself on being in touch with my emotions and the emotions of others before we were together. I thought a strong man wasn't afraid to cry or at least feel really passionate about kids, or love, or death, or whatever.

It's too the point where at our wedding and when our son was born, I was afraid to cry (as almost everyone does) because she made it clear it wouldn't be strong to do that.

I swear, I love my wife! Stuff has just been building with no outlet!!
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Old 04-01-2010, 10:31 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife nitpicks EVERYTHING!

I am amazed brother . It could have been me a my wife rather then you. Right from nitpicking to showing emotion et al to loving your wife , I can be looking at mirror. In fact u seem to be my Doppelgänger.
No advice from my side. Just hang on and be strong.
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Old 04-01-2010, 10:33 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife nitpicks EVERYTHING!

Just tell her what you wrote here about it leading to anger and bitterness. She probably sees you as weak--and not because of the things you do, but b/c you let her talk to you like this. You need to stand up for yourself!

Do you act like an adult in other ways--cleaning up after yourself, taking full responsibility for what is your responsibility? The reason I say this is that I lost respect for my ex b/c he didn't--didn't clean up after himself, did his chores half-assed, etc. Basically, he acted like a kid waiting to be caught by his mother and "forced" to do things right. I spoke to him in ways I wouldn't do now, but only after directness (in an adult way, communicating my needs and expectations) and cajoling didn't work. It was pure frustration, frankly, that he wouldn't "grow up." Having a job and earning $$ is not sufficient to establishing adulthood--no matter how hard you work (although if you are only sleeping 1 hour/night, time for anything else may be a real factor, I suppose.)

Why do you work such hours? It is so unhealthy! I hope you can find a better way to provide for your family--including having her work. Your schedule is completely unfair to everyone in your family. And it puts you at risk for car crashes, work-related injuries, psychological problems, etc., in addition to the basic health risks.
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Old 04-01-2010, 10:59 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife nitpicks EVERYTHING!

Heck, if I had a wife like that I'd work as many hours as I could to get the hell away from her! She sounds TERRIBLE!! Don't put with that crap. Tell her that you are the way you are and if she can't accept you the way you SHE has the problem. I don't know what's good about her. She sounds like a horrible person.

No one should have to go what you are going through. She didn't notice these things about you before you were married?

She sounds like she's got some kind of mental problem. Seriously.

It's awful to have someone always "on" you about everything you do and if you don't say and act EXACTLY as they want you or expect you to then you are treated like crap.

Last edited by Freak On a Leash; 04-03-2010 at 12:08 PM.
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Old 04-02-2010, 10:16 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife nitpicks EVERYTHING!

I stay with her and try to cater to these needs because I really love her and care very much that she has a happy life and feels comfortable. I really want her to be comfortable and happy just once in her life. And I know it's not her fault. I really feel it's her anxiety issues and auditory problems.

But, at the same time, it's REALLY hard to deal with. There are just so, so many things. If it was 5 or 10 things about me that I need to change or avoid, that's no problem, but I bet I could list 100. Maybe more.

And it really affects our life. I always thought how wonderful it would be to be married and cuddle in bed every night and take taps together in the day. Things like that. Romantic stuff. Sitting on the couch eating popcorn together. Walking around the house singing or whistling a tune.

But, now I feel like we're just both uncomfortable all the time and it's causing an air of stress around us that's always there.

Again, I'm really worried that this is a mental problem because there are SO many things and with her hearing problem. Just all those things combined. We both need something to change.
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Old 04-03-2010, 08:00 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife nitpicks EVERYTHING!

Okay, just had a ridiculous argument....

She always nitpicks what I eat and tells me I mix up weird things. This morning for breakfast, she wanted me to make her ground hamburger and oatmeal. That seemed funny to me, so I tried to make a joke about how that was a weird thing to mix up. She didn't get the joke. I said no one mixes up oatmeal and hamburger ... paused ... except for people making meatloaf! (I was really attempting to make myself look silly for missing that obvious connection and keep it light-hearted.)

Instead of noticing that, she started making fun of me for saying people put oatmeal in meatloaf (which I thought everyone did). She said only bread crumbs are used in meatloaf and continued to make what I'd said sound silly.

Instead of retaliating, I tried to just bite my tongue, but I kept thinking about it. I KNOW people put oatmeal in meatloaf and she really made me feel stupid for saying that.

So, logical man brain kicked in and I looked it up real quick on my phone. Of course, Quaker Oats and a bunch of recipes popped up. I told her, still trying to be light-hearted, honestly NOT trying to be snarky or I told you so-ish.

Boy, was that the wrong thing to do.

She got furious with me for. Said I was a jerk and started yelling. I'm pretty sure she was mad because she had been wrong and was embarrassed. I mean, if I would have looked it up, been wrong about the oatmeal, and showed that to her, she wouldn't have gotten mad and she likely would have said, "I told you so."

You see what I mean? Just ridiculousness. Why are we fighting like this? We do love each other and just a few moments before that we had started the morning off happy. Then things flipped so quickly and now she's just pissed at me.

I really wasn't trying to make her feel bad and I'm really sorry she's upset. I went right in and apologized for upsetting her. But at the same time, doesn't it matter that she made me feel really stupid in the first place?? It never seems to. We never have fights where she's in the wrong, only where I'm the jerk. I say, "You always say I'm the one to blame for everything." She says, "THIS time you are." The last hundred times it was me, too?

And she says to only take care of how she feels. If I've upset her, that's what matters (and that DOES matter very much to me) but she never cares when she does something that upsets ME. She says I'm 'Being too sensative." I'm pretty honest and open with myself, and I live in my head a lot of the time, so I feel I know when I am and when I'm not.

What do you feel about this silly argument and how can we avoid stuff like this? Do I just always have to concede to her? Because whenever I try to stand up for how I feel or what I think is right, I'm the jerk!

And, again, I'm not taking your feedback, looking for everyone to agree with me, then going back to her with ammo. It's not about that.

If I'm in the wrong here, I will certainly take that as a lesson and apply it to my wife. Even if I'm right and I still went about things wrong, I'll apply that. If I'm totally right ... well, I'll likely be too terrified now to say "I told you so."

I really want honest objective opinions, because there are none in this household. And I feel like I'm the most objective, but obviously the way I'm doing things isn't working for her.

THANK YOU!! I know this is a lot to read and a lot of drama. Your thoughts are greatly appreciated!
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Old 04-03-2010, 08:13 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife nitpicks EVERYTHING!

Just tried to approach her about it again to let her know that I was sorry if what I did hurt her. She said again that looking it up was a jerk thing to do. I said I didn't mean for it to be. She asked me why I would do that, and not just let it go. I tried to explain that her extreme reaction and making fun of me had kinda hurt/bothered me. She now says that that never happened and that she was only trying to said she thought it sounded gross.

And there's no arguing that. I'm back up against a brick wall and I'm the bad guy. She DID make a really big deal making fun of me for saying that and telling me how wrong I was with a tone that was obviously to make me feel silly. I even paused her and nicely said, "Maybe you'd better look that up before taking such a firm stance like that, honey, I'm certain meatloaf is commonly put in oatmeal." But, she just kept going.

And it did hurt me and it was my opinion and my information that she was making fun of, she never once said anything about thinking that a recipe for meatloaf with oatmeal was gross.

But, she stays firm in this opinion, so I'm just dropping it and said I was sorry again if me looking up the answer upset her.

Just doesn't seem fair... And this happens every single time we have any kind of disagreement. I'm the bad guy and the way I felt about what happened is NEVER addressed. She says I shouldn't have feelings about things.
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Old 04-03-2010, 11:26 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Oh geez. Another petty argument about nothing between you and your wife. This is a daily thing it seems. Personally I've never heard of oatmeal being put in meatloaf but my husband (who actually DOES cook and reads cookbooks) says it's often done. When I have debates like this with my husband and kids (and I often do) I'll do EXACTLY as you did and look it up. My husband and kids will do the same as well. Sometimes I'm proven wrong. Sometimes not. You didn't do anything wrong! It's HER problem, not yours.

If my two kids fought like this I'd send them to their rooms and tell them to CHILL OUT..that no one wants to hear this crap. You do realize that you are both acting like children? She's got a serious problem. I mean MENTAL problem. Yes, she has some sort of hearing disorder but there are millions of people in this world who learn to live with these sort of things and don't feel it's necessary to make life miserable for everyone else. They learn to deal with whatever it is that their problem is, be it mental or physical.

She obviously is having trouble LIVING HER LIFE. EVERYTHING is a problem. And you just sit there like a good little doormat and let her wipe her dirty feet all over you. Why does she do this? Because she CAN.

I've acted in an unreasonable manner many times (I have had my own issues throughout my life) and my husband will take it all TO A POINT and then he says "ENOUGH". I know damn well that I can't push things too far. He establishes boundaries and limits. At the time I'm angry and resentful but looking back I have to admit that it's a GOOD thing to do.

A marriage is about RESPECTING each other and not treating each other like dirt because you CAN. You are supposed to CARE about the other person. She doesn't sound caring or respectful. She sounds totally self centered and narcissistic and out of control.

My son has ADHD and anxiety disorder. Sometimes he'll mouth off and be disrespectful. He's not even thinking he's doing it most times. He has symptoms similar to your wife. He is sensitive to certain sounds and freaks out in situations and he can be downright nasty at times. I'm sensitive to his needs but to I take a bad attitude? Heck no! I tell him tell him to drop the attitude and if he continues there are definite consequences. He doesn't hate me or fear me. He loves and respects me. If I don't do that as a parent he will..well..grow up to be the kind of person your wife is! Instead I have a son who people say is kind and polite. This didn't happen by accident.

First you need to deal with your wife as an adult and partner. She has to understand that you are not going to take being treated badly. When she starts talking down to you in that nasty, snippy tone of voice and starts tearing you down, I'd turn and WALK OUT OF THE ROOM. Don't sit and debate silly things about whether oatmeal, grits or breadcrumbs can be used in meatloaf. This is nuts! Just LEAVE. If she doesn't like how you eat, then take your meal and WALK OUT. Show her that you aren't going take this B.S. Anymore.

Talk to her quietly and firmly and say "Honey, this isn't acceptable behavior and I'm not dealing with you". It works..trust me. My husband does it with me. I do it with him and my kids. Do not listen to anymore of her crap and definitely do not entrap yourself in a pointless argument.

Don't you see that by arguing with her you are giving her POWER of you. She's treating you like CRAP dude. Enough already!

And she's got to go and get help for herself. I'd say not just therapy but medical attention too. She's go REAL issues and you have kids and I shudder to think what she is like as a parent. I grew up with horrid parents and I know what emotional abuse is. She's doing it to you and she'll do it to the kids.

Maybe you should pack up and leave for a few days and tell her that since everything you do bothers her then you'll give what she wants..to be left alone. It'll give her time to think and maybe she'll come to the conclusion that her life stinks and only SHE can do something to change it.

Last edited by Freak On a Leash; 04-03-2010 at 01:38 PM.
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Old 04-03-2010, 12:26 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife nitpicks EVERYTHING!

Maybe your wife is not realizing that living in couple means there is not place only for one mind, but two. There is no way that two different people will agree for everything they do, and make things the same way. Sometimes you just have to accept your partner the way he/she is.
Unfortunately, We have seen these kind of people everywhere we go. They are bossy, and really annoying. They think they are perfect, and everything is supposed to be the way they want to be. They believe that they are the center of the Universe, even though there is nothing special about them. Nobody wants to be around them. Mostly these kind of people end up being alone, with no friends, or long-life relationships.
I guess your wife is the same even with her friends, or coworkers.
They are bossy, and really annoying.
They need professional help, even your wife!
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Old 04-05-2010, 11:55 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Freak - Your suggestions would probably work perfectly for someone who had a spouse who was outwardly bossy. My wife isn't quite that way. It's more subtle and she subconsciously covers her tracks well by saying she meant something else or I misunderstood. And if I get upset with something she's done, I'm the bad guy and I eventually have to cave and fix it.

Deb - She does seem to have that problem. I struggle a lot with the idea that she kinda seems like the world should revolve around her (not the way that like a Bridezilla would, not like that), just that SHE has the problems, SHE has the struggles, and everyone should make life easier for HER. BUT, I know that's not entirely true, either. And she's definitely NOT OUTWARDLY that way. It's more subtle victim kind of thing. She HAS had a hard adult life. (childhood seemed like a fairty-tale to a poor, fat kid like me with two alcoholic, hoarding parents old enough to be great-grandparents, living in the middle of nowhere with no prospects of a future) Again, I say, she HAS had a very difficult ADULT life, but everyone has problems and not everyone can make those kind of subtle demands and have someone try their hardest to meet them. For example, I have a bad stress/anger problem that has developed after being with her (and came from said childhood), but I get NO wiggle room on that. If I lose my stupid temper (which I hate anyway) I'm the worse guy on the planet and don't deserve help dealing with the anger.

But I'm in therapy now so maybe I can fix that.

I'm very aware that I can't determine how other people will be, only how I will be. So, I'm doing what I can to make myself healthy (like I used to be. I was like a positivity and productivity machine when I was a single hermit)
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Old 04-05-2010, 01:41 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife nitpicks EVERYTHING!

QBERT,
She IS heavy handed with you. There was nothing subtle about the factual issue where she was wrong.

You need to learn to be assertive. An assertive person would simply say:

When there is a factual disagreement I look things up - thats just what I do and it isn't going to change. If you choose to get upset at me in those situations that is your choice.

The fact that you keep apologizing in this situation is WHY your wife has no respect for you. She basically started out by "in tone of voice" telling you that you were kind of an idiot for thinking folks mixed oatmeal and ground beef. Now you are choosing to beg and grovel because she doesn't like the actual real world facts. This is a monster of your own creation.

And many people are like this - if you act like a doormat they quickly become petty tyrants.

As for her long long list of nitpicks. I have a simple rule - I do everything that wife asks me to as long as it is reasonable and she asks nicely. Don't care how long the list is - it is kind of long - lol - and I do it with a positive attitude.

However if she asks in a not nice way, or it is not reasonable or we have a factual disagreement that can be proven one way or the other - then I WILL NOT budge.



Quote:
Originally Posted by qbert View Post
Freak - Your suggestions would probably work perfectly for someone who had a spouse who was outwardly bossy. My wife isn't quite that way. It's more subtle and she subconsciously covers her tracks well by saying she meant something else or I misunderstood. And if I get upset with something she's done, I'm the bad guy and I eventually have to cave and fix it.

Deb - She does seem to have that problem. I struggle a lot with the idea that she kinda seems like the world should revolve around her (not the way that like a Bridezilla would, not like that), just that SHE has the problems, SHE has the struggles, and everyone should make life easier for HER. BUT, I know that's not entirely true, either. And she's definitely NOT OUTWARDLY that way. It's more subtle victim kind of thing. She HAS had a hard adult life. (childhood seemed like a fairty-tale to a poor, fat kid like me with two alcoholic, hoarding parents old enough to be great-grandparents, living in the middle of nowhere with no prospects of a future) Again, I say, she HAS had a very difficult ADULT life, but everyone has problems and not everyone can make those kind of subtle demands and have someone try their hardest to meet them. For example, I have a bad stress/anger problem that has developed after being with her (and came from said childhood), but I get NO wiggle room on that. If I lose my stupid temper (which I hate anyway) I'm the worse guy on the planet and don't deserve help dealing with the anger.

But I'm in therapy now so maybe I can fix that.

I'm very aware that I can't determine how other people will be, only how I will be. So, I'm doing what I can to make myself healthy (like I used to be. I was like a positivity and productivity machine when I was a single hermit)
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Old 09-20-2010, 09:19 AM   #12 (permalink)
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I jus ran into this thread. I can say i am definitely in the same situation. my wife constantly talks me down, tells me i'm doing this wrong and that wrong. to top things off, she can't seem to make a point without insulting or degrading me. She has absolute zero respect for me. I tell her that a marriage can't work without mutual respect. she then has the nerve to tell me that she can't respect someone who doesn't know how to think. she tries to find every little reason to justify treating me like dirt. I've had enough. I'm always trying to stick up for myself everytime i feel like i'm being treated unfairly, but at this point civility is out the window. i try to sit down and talk with her in polite manner, and it only leads to more insults. i try hard to make things work for the sake of my beautiful 19 month old daughter, but i don't think my sanity can put up with much more of this. her own family even tells her that what she's dong is wrong, but it eventually falls into deaf ears. i'm starting to think divorce is the only option. i'm abosolutely miserable.
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Old 09-20-2010, 09:53 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Dude, some women are just naturally that way and if you make the mistake of jumping every time they say "frog", it'll never stop. If she asked why I was standing a particular way, I'd tell her, "cause I can". My wife's a transplanted yankee and comments about the "funny" way I speak. I point out that she's in Tennessee. I don't talk funny. She does. If you don't respond like a servant or a child, she will eventually quit trying. It amazes me that women want a strong, confident man but once they get one, they try to nag or nitpick him into a whimp they have no respect for. A vagina doesn't make anyone a boss or a princess. I've got a boss and I've got a mama. I suspect most wives attempt to take on both roles but they succeed only if we permit it.
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Old 09-20-2010, 10:21 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by unbelievable View Post
Dude, some women are just naturally that way and if you make the mistake of jumping every time they say "frog", it'll never stop. If she asked why I was standing a particular way, I'd tell her, "cause I can". My wife's a transplanted yankee and comments about the "funny" way I speak. I point out that she's in Tennessee. I don't talk funny. She does. If you don't respond like a servant or a child, she will eventually quit trying. It amazes me that women want a strong, confident man but once they get one, they try to nag or nitpick him into a whimp they have no respect for. A vagina doesn't make anyone a boss or a princess. I've got a boss and I've got a mama. I suspect most wives attempt to take on both roles but they succeed only if we permit it.
This advice is right on the money.

THe only thing to clarify, that all women will test their man, so the goal is not for them to nitpick him into a wimp, but for them to push him to test his mettle, and when he stands for himself, inside her a woman feels both respect and sexual attraction for such a man, and inside herself she is also feeling respect for herself and sexually attractive herself to be with such a man, and to have such a man be interested in her.

WHen a man fails the tests of a woman, the nagging or nitpicking, well, then she sees such a man with no respect and no sexual attraction, and of course inside herself no surprise, she feels herself lack of respect and not attractive herself to be with such a man herself.

These things are the root of nagging and nitpicking, tied to a woman fitness testing her man.

The good man needs to stand for himself, and defend himself to win respect and sexual attraction, and his womans perfectionism and nagging will instead be confidence and security and feeling herself on fire and desired by a worthy man.

And to work to this, to be the good man to stand for himself even with humor and seeming to enjoy the confrontation and showing his mettle effortlessly and consistently, his relationship with his woman will bring both of them much happiness and sex.

So these other things, your woman saying you are not supposed to show emotion, that is only half truth.

Showing emotion from a man that is not passing her womans' fitness testing is seen as more weakness. Not good.

Once a man is standing for himself, showing his woman his strength and passing her test, then when he is showing his emotion it is welcomed by his woman, for she is secure in the relationship and knowing the emotion is sincere.

SO in this way again, the same action can produce two outcomes, depending on whether the man is standing on the firm foundation of his demonstrated strength and desire, or the shifting sands of avoiding standing up to himself and having his woman see him as weak producing in her great angst and resentment.

This is the beauty and mystery of sexual relationships between the good man and woman!
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Old 09-20-2010, 10:50 AM   #15 (permalink)
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i put oatmeal in meatloaf
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