i actually did tell my wife about the evidence that the OM's wife found... suggesting he was having a physical affair. my wife was shocked when i told her the information... and in fact she vehemently denied that she was every physical with him and she seemed disturbed by what she was learning about her friend. her words were "i don't think i knew him like i thought i knew him"...
ozarksguy , it looks like you haven't asked your wife strictly not to keep any contact with her friend . Its pretty much clear between your wife & the other guy it is not just friendship its more than that . No body bothers to send hundereds of text to just a good friend , but you are still letting her convince you whatever the way she wants . Be a man , stop complaining about it , take action . If she can't get over her friend & distance herself from him even if it ruins her marriage , then You really dont need her . Make it clear to her.
My wife has stopped all contact with this man, to my knowledge. Last night she asked me to come into the office while she unfriended him on facebook. I also got a look at her phone, unbeknownst to her, this weekend and didn't see anything.
we talked again last night and she said she is appauled at learning of the OM's wife's suspicions about his behavior. she promised me again that she never slept with him, never kissed him, but did say yes they were flirty in texts and emails. she said at the time it was starting in december, she felt lonely. i told her last night that if she ever felt lonely again to talk to ME about it. she also swears to me that while he got dirty in texts/emails a couple of times to her, she never reciprocated that and simply wouldn't respond or answer to him when get got like that. she also said she wished i could've been with them at lunch... she claims he's a totally different person than he is electronically. she says he's very awkward in person, and extremely shy. she apologized to me last night for all the hurt, and for bringing this man into our life. she promised me that she would never sleep with anybody else, and that she loves me. i really am starting to believe her. now i'm sure there are people on this board who will tell me i'm stupid and she's just playing me. and i do think she was playing me for a long time because she wanted to continue a friendship with the OM, but not a physical relationship. she now says she realizes how harmful even the friendship was and she told me she's been going out of her way to avoid him...
i'm the last person to be giving advice on this subject. everybody kept telling me to trust my gut... and i certainly found what i thought were a LOT of smoking guns. but i've tried to step back and rationally look at the evidence and listen to my wife. i now see that i built a lot of scenarios/situations up in my head. although i do know it was an EA and she admits that... she also admits she's sorry for hurting me and she understands that harm it did to me.
i wish you the best of luck... i hope you find peace... i know it's a gut-wrenching situation and it probably keeps you up at night. it actually helped me loose 20 pounds, which wasn't a bad thing
OG,
However you arrived at where you are - your wife clearly wants to make your marriage work. And THAT is the single most important aspect of this situation. If she is a good wife - and it sounds like she is - than I would move on and never raise this again.
Quote:
Originally Posted by ozarksguy
kendall...
i'm the last person to be giving advice on this subject. everybody kept telling me to trust my gut... and i certainly found what i thought were a LOT of smoking guns. but i've tried to step back and rationally look at the evidence and listen to my wife. i now see that i built a lot of scenarios/situations up in my head. although i do know it was an EA and she admits that... she also admits she's sorry for hurting me and she understands that harm it did to me.
i wish you the best of luck... i hope you find peace... i know it's a gut-wrenching situation and it probably keeps you up at night. it actually helped me loose 20 pounds, which wasn't a bad thing
LuckyCharmH has some harmful advice. Just b/c there may have been cheating, it does not guarantee the other spouse will get the house and kids. Most states are "no fault" now and everything will be split 50/50 unless there is a compelling reason for the court to decide otherwise.
A woman who is married and has kids has every right to go out with her cousin. Geez. Talk about backwards.
i'm the last person to be giving advice on this subject. everybody kept telling me to trust my gut... and i certainly found what i thought were a LOT of smoking guns. but i've tried to step back and rationally look at the evidence and listen to my wife. i now see that i built a lot of scenarios/situations up in my head. although i do know it was an EA and she admits that... she also admits she's sorry for hurting me and she understands that harm it did to me.
i wish you the best of luck... i hope you find peace... i know it's a gut-wrenching situation and it probably keeps you up at night. it actually helped me loose 20 pounds, which wasn't a bad thing
Thanks for your wishes. I'm in limbo here. Our reationship has its ups and downs. Right now its up, and its easier to trust her then, but during the downs I get a bit paranoid. Thats the hard part to figure out. If I'm being paranoid. My wife certainly thinks so.
Reading your thoughts certainly gave me some perspective and helped. YOur situation was/is a lot like mine. I hope mine ends well too.
Hi everyone. To update you my wife and I are doing great. She has cut off all communication with the OM and she seems genuinely focused on us. Now comes the but....
I can't seem to get over these nagging feelings inside of me that something physical happened that I'm not aware of. I've tried to focus on the positive and see the good things that are happening. But I still grapple with the idea that the OM knows something I don't. My wife swears to me that nothing happened but I keep thinking about all the advice I've received on this forum about cheating spouses who will deny and lie until they're blue in the face. What will learning the truth do for me?? It will simply justify to me that I was never crazy. Would I firgive my wife? Absolutely. But I just want her to b honest with me even if it hurts. I asked her if she would tell me if they kissed and she said she would to quote move on. But there is still this part of me that believes she wouldn't tell me because she fears it would destroy me. On the contrary it would help me to stop thinking about this every minute of every fricken day.
I will admit that I spotted a strange stain on one of my wifes business suits this week. It's a suit she hasn't worn in months. I actually ordered one of those sperm test kits to see if the stain might be what I fear. I should get the test tomorrow. Tell me I'm stupid for doing this and that I should just leave well enough alone?? Posted via Mobile Device
I've learned sometimes in life 1+1=2, other times 1+1=3. Humans have the ability to fit everything they perceive into supporting their world view. Sometimes we may believe in something so much we can mold/force everything we see/hear into fitting into that view regardless if they are really related or not. In other words we can see things being connected that really are not.
I agree that what your wife did was not the best thing, and she made a wrong choice. But frankly at some point you will have to make a final decision on whether she physically cheated on you or not. When you find yourself looking at a stain on a blouse and thinking it may be semen, you know you are fairly obsessed about it.
For your own mental health you are probably going to have to make a decision. Will you trust what your wife is telling you, or will you live the rest of your life a wreck, always looking at a mole-hill and seeing a mountain there? If you continue on this path, your worry may be a self-fulfilling fantasy; you may loose your wife. At some point she WILL tire of constant mis-trust and questioning. You may then loose your relationship. What would you feel like knowing you may have lost it when nothing physical ever happened?
You have to think to yourself, is it really healthy when your first thought on seeing a stain on your wife's blouse is "I wonder if that is Semen?". That doesn't sound healthy to me IMO. I think for your own health, you may need to let it go.
That being said, take my advice with a grain of salt. In the end you have to live your life with whatever choices you make.
Your situation sounds just like mine. Your wife has you pretty convinced that nothing really happened and she is sorry (or kind of sorry) but you still wonder if you know everything.
If things have been going better, but you find out it is semen, what will you do? Is this really something you need to know, especially if it is now over?
IMO, it's time to realize life is full of compromises, and we will NEVER get 100% of what we want. So we make a decision to move forward with what we CAN have. Is it 100% perfect? No, but you never would have been 100% perfect after the cheating - emotional or physical - anyway.
If she gives you everything else you ever ask for except for a smoking gun...it's time to move on.
Thanks everyone for the perspective. It's true, one must make a decision to move on... and I'm sincerely trying to do that. I need to learn how to put the obsessive thoughts behind me and trust what is happening NOW. Honestly my wife couldn't be better to me and again, all communication with the OM has been cut-off...(i know because i still check)
As far as testing a stain... yes that clearly indicates I'm still obsessed about finding that smoking gun to validate my gut feelings. what would it prove or disprove? i'm not sure. if it's my worst fear what would that mean? i don't know.
i truly appreciate the feedback though and this has certainly been some good food for thought today...
i'm the last person to be giving advice on this subject. everybody kept telling me to trust my gut... and i certainly found what i thought were a LOT of smoking guns. but i've tried to step back and rationally look at the evidence and listen to my wife. i now see that i built a lot of scenarios/situations up in my head. although i do know it was an EA and she admits that... she also admits she's sorry for hurting me and she understands that harm it did to me.
i wish you the best of luck... i hope you find peace... i know it's a gut-wrenching situation and it probably keeps you up at night. it actually helped me loose 20 pounds, which wasn't a bad thing
Got a personal question for you OG? Dont answer if you dont want to.
How was your sex life? Cuz ours is up and down like a yo yo. whereas for most of our marriage its been pretty steady.
The reason I ask because when my wife cheated many years ago, our sex life at the time was fantastic which I cant figure out? Now its up and down depending if we are fighting about her current "boyfriend" When we argue about it she gets real cold, but I let things slide for a few weeks our sex life goes red hot!
Re: wife denies... i don't buy 
