Got a personal question for you OG? Dont answer if you dont want to.
How was your sex life? Cuz ours is up and down like a yo yo. whereas for most of our marriage its been pretty steady.
The reason I ask because when my wife cheated many years ago, our sex life at the time was fantastic which I cant figure out? Now its up and down depending if we are fighting about her current "boyfriend" When we argue about it she gets real cold, but I let things slide for a few weeks our sex life goes red hot!
2 primary reasons why sex will go up during an affair:
1. Simply, their drive is 'up'. It's been kick-started by TOM
2. If they are having sex with you, they believe you are less likely to suspect infidelity.
our love life was pretty normal in december when she was heavily involved in the EA with the OM. in fact at one point she even told me that all her exchanges with him made her feel desired but she said to me... "you got the benefit of that in the bedroom"...
i'm now of the belief that nothing physical happened... but i still struggle and when i tell my wife about my struggles with emotions she gets frustrated with me... not all the time, but a lot of the times. i wish she would understand that it's not easy to get over the betrayal...even if it never crossed that line into a PA.
our love life was pretty normal in december when she was heavily involved in the EA with the OM. in fact at one point she even told me that all her exchanges with him made her feel desired but she said to me... "you got the benefit of that in the bedroom"...
i'm now of the belief that nothing physical happened... but i still struggle and when i tell my wife about my struggles with emotions she gets frustrated with me... not all the time, but a lot of the times. i wish she would understand that it's not easy to get over the betrayal...even if it never crossed that line into a PA.
you got the benefit of that in the bedroom"...
I was stunned to read the above line. My wife just told me the exact same thing. That our sex life is better because of her "chats" with her boss.
I'm pretty sure nothing physical happened either but the same night (looking back in hindsight) something happened between her and her boss ; we went home later and she did things to me in the bed that she's never done before or since. She was unbelievable in bed. And then I read a text from TOM the next day "Do you feel guilty?" "And r u upset?" over and over.
As for the wife we are fighting constantly and she says I have to let go of the past when she hasn't even admitted she's done anything wrong!
interesting that we got the same line...very interesteing indeed.
my wife and i were doing better, but now it seems like we're struggling again. i made the mistake of asking her questions again this weekend about whether they got physical... damn me for asking questions she says nothing ever happened but i just think there are too many smoking guns. i'm TRYING to move on but it's fricken hard... and i can't seem to make her understand that. she goes through periods where i think she wants to help me move on, then she just gets frustrated and pissed again. i will say both times i've confronted my wife and asked questions lately (again how dare i ask questions) she started playing with her hair in an odd way BOTH times, in the exact same manner. now perhaps i'm reading too much into that, but they'll tell you that's one of the signs of someone who is nervous and lying. honestly, i would forgive her if she would just tell me the truth so i would quit thinking and WONDERING about what happened. i feel like she has the power to put my mind at ease, and maybe she has by being forthcoming that nothing happened. but in the back of my mind, i know there was more and she won't tell me for fear that it will rock my world even more. if the OM's wife had the same suspicions i did, about the same events in question... what do they say... "where there's smoke there's fire"...
i will say that my wife has said and done a few things uncharacteristic of herself in bed. a few months ago she said to me "sometimes a girl just wants to get f*****". she has NEVER said that to me EVER before. when we were on vacation she tried to seduce me in the bathroom while the kids were in the other room, and she was drunk at the time. while that was nice, it was WAY out of character for her. and oddly enough, an hour after that very episode, when i took the kids out for a walk on the beach, my wife went to the lobby and emailed the OM that "she really missed him and wanted him to know"... duh....WTF??
1 - An emotional affair as deep as the one you describe between your wife and her friend is just as bad as many physical affairs. What's worse?: that she poured her heart and soul out to a stranger and committed her emotions to him for an extended period of time, behind your back. Or if she got a quicky once with a stranger because she was horny and regrets it. This is already as bad as it needs to be for her to help you, and she chooses not to. That's bull****.
2 - I've only been on here since Sept 2009, but I've already seen all of the patterns. One is they ONLY admit to what they've been caught with. Your wife is a little to intense with the "it was only emotional, we never touched" line for it to be believeable. She's too willing to give up that info to keep you off the physical track.
But she is NEVER going to admit to the physical part, if there even is one. NEVER. Get used to that or give her a polygraph. There's no in-between. The only way she is going to admit to the physical part is when you force her out the door with your accusations and she screams it at you as she's leaving with a suitcase.
Other that that, be strong. No groveling. No accusing. "You are the one that hurt our relationship, YOU need to be the one that comes to ME looking for help. As soon as you want to face this and work with me, I'll be sleeping in the den".
She is NEVER going to come clean. Change your strategy. Good luck
interesting that we got the same line...very interesteing indeed.
my wife and i were doing better, but now it seems like we're struggling again. i made the mistake of asking her questions again this weekend about whether they got physical... damn me for asking questions she says nothing ever happened but i just think there are too many smoking guns. i'm TRYING to move on but it's fricken hard... and i can't seem to make her understand that. she goes through periods where i think she wants to help me move on, then she just gets frustrated and pissed again. i will say both times i've confronted my wife and asked questions lately (again how dare i ask questions) she started playing with her hair in an odd way BOTH times, in the exact same manner. now perhaps i'm reading too much into that, but they'll tell you that's one of the signs of someone who is nervous and lying. honestly, i would forgive her if she would just tell me the truth so i would quit thinking and WONDERING about what happened. i feel like she has the power to put my mind at ease, and maybe she has by being forthcoming that nothing happened. but in the back of my mind, i know there was more and she won't tell me for fear that it will rock my world even more. if the OM's wife had the same suspicions i did, about the same events in question... what do they say... "where there's smoke there's fire"...
i will say that my wife has said and done a few things uncharacteristic of herself in bed. a few months ago she said to me "sometimes a girl just wants to get f*****". she has NEVER said that to me EVER before. when we were on vacation she tried to seduce me in the bathroom while the kids were in the other room, and she was drunk at the time. while that was nice, it was WAY out of character for her. and oddly enough, an hour after that very episode, when i took the kids out for a walk on the beach, my wife went to the lobby and emailed the OM that "she really missed him and wanted him to know"... duh....WTF??
Og:
Our situations seem similar. I read your posts at the beginning, and their is a lot I see thats the same.
I dont know if its just wishful thinking on my part that it didn't get physical cuz if it did its not the physical nature of it that would get to me rather the lying.
But we are getting better, I went for counselling and the counsellor helped a lot. He encouraged me to get my wife to meet one on one with him so he can get her to admit to herself that what she is doing is an EA. She still won't admit it right out. She only says she is sorry for acting in a way that I felt hurt by. That if I wasn't bothered by what she did it would've been ok. (see my other posts for more details of what happened)
All I can say is that you should go for counselling and have your wife see a counsellor too; separetly at first. She may admit to secrets that she wouldnt admit to in front of you.
Be strong and don't dwell on the bad stuff all day. That was getting to me and my counsellor taught me some coping strategies to keep my mind off the negativety. I know its hard though; I have my bad days still too. I just about walked out on her last week but I cant leave my kids. Something else that helps me is that I tell myself I would forgive her assuming she admitted all so I just tell myself why not just forgive her anyways.
I got her to stop all personal contact with the OM; she still works with him but at least there is no more texting (she also agreed not to erase any more messages)
I hear you about the fact that without a smoking gun there is no way she is going to admit to a full-blown affair. The consequences would be earth-shattering for us.
I'll post this in hopes of you getting this stopped asap, one way or another.
I finalized my divorce yesterday. It all started when she was in training at hospice, with the hospice chaplain, none the less. It all started with chatting at class and text messaging. Now we are divorced.
Your only choice here, that is if you want to have any chance of saving things (in my opinion) is to force her hand. tell her that this has to stop with him or you WILL file. Go see an attorney, get this info and get things figured out so you can file quick. If she says ok, monitor EVERYTHING. If it starts again, serve her. If she calls your bluff, serve her.
I say this because i didn't call her bluff. She filed, and at times during my last 10 months, I have felt at a disadvantage. YOU are the one being wronged.
If you think this marrigae is worth saving. If you think you can trust her and have her back in her life, do it. Marriage is worth it. Marriage is hard.
i honestly think this situation has made me crazy, and do crazy things.
my wife has broken off all contact with the OM. i know that's over. but she keeps talking to me about the desire to have friends and have a life outside of our marriage/household. i get that... we all need friends and an outlet. last week she went to happy hour twice with co-workers. on the first date, i tried to call her to see if i could join her during my dinner break from work. she didn't answer her phone. later when she got home, i told her that i thought she was ignoring me and i just wanted to stop by for a few minutes. she told me she didn't want me to stop by. she was with 4 other people and she told me where she was, after the fact. she said she just wanted to have some fun and for me to not be weird about the group or anything.
then this weekend, i notice her logging into her phone and i see that she has changed her passcode. of course i take note of the new passcode and when she was in the shower last night i logged on. i didn't find anything suspicious, although she is texting with a couple of male co-workers...innocent friendly stuff. to my surprise, my wife walked out of the shower to see me looking in her phone. she was dumfounded and so was i. i was very ashamed, but told her that it seemed suspicious to me that she changed her code so it made me wonder. she said she did that because she feels like i try to control her every move and she wants a little privacy in her life. i will admit i have tried to monitor her a lot since i found out about the EA in the first place. but honestly, i've NEVER tried to control her before and it's my FEAR that another EA or PA might start that feeds my insecurity and suspicions. granted i didn't find anything, but it still makes me suspicious.
she's very upset with me over the phone snooping last night. and i understand her perspective and how my actions have caused her to react. i'm starting individual counseling again... what else can i do? i think she just wants friends, and i want her to have friends... but how can i seperate understanding her need for friends with my fear that a friendship will turn into something more, like it did once before??
Install a keylogger on all her pcs at work and at home. Save the chat logs and emails as evidence. You'll need them in court. Take a couple days off from work without letting her know, and follow her (discreetly) or have a friend do it. Take photos of all her interactions with the guy. Save them.
Once you have enough evidence - sounds like she's really cheating up a storm, so it shouldn't take long - get a good lawyer and show them the evidence. Start the divorce process. Get all your banking and assets in order. You'll want to protect what's yours before the confrontation because women can be nutty and it will probably go to hell in short order if you don't. Once you're ready, tell her you want a divorce, that you have evidence of infidelity, and show it to her. Good luck. You're going to need it.
well... things aren't good at home. my wife is very hurt by my suspicions and the fact that she caught me going through her phone sunday night. she says she's done nothing wrong and tried everything in her power to make me her priority in the last several months... but i can't get over my suspicions and trust her. she's right to a degree... i have gone to crazy lengths to spy on her and control the situation. that behavior was born out of learning of the EA, and doing everything i can to make sure that it was over, and that it didn't happen again.
my wife has asked me for space, and we've decided to spend the next several weekends apart. we work opposite schedules so it's not hard to be "two ships passing in the night" during the work week. she did tell me today that she loves me, wants to be married to me and wants to be my best friend. but she says i've pushed her so far away by my attempts to manipulate her and treat her like a child by spying that she needs time to sort through her feelings...
so at this point, i know that the EA ended a long time ago. and i now believe the fact that nothing else happened and that my wife has been devoted to me. clearly, it's my inability to trust and move forward that has created the current strife in our relationship. makes me wonder how many other couples go through months of suffering like this because the cheated-on spouse can't deal with their emotions...
Look - I've been where you are. In fact, you are probably in a better place than I was. But the way she's acting - pushing the blame back on you, telling you she needs space - just be careful.
Your reaction to what's happened is totally reasonable. I'm just wonderin if she's using your own insecurities against you to gain space to get things started again.
How and why are you so sure that she's cut off communication?
I really, really hope I'm wrong, but this sounds like part of the "script." Act II I believe...
thanks for the thoughts. i haven't seen any evidence in her phone of any communications... and she's even shown me that she blocked the OM on facebook. she says she's taking steps to avoid him at the office. so i have to believe her....
the problem is she feels like she has no trust and she feels like i'm treating her like a child. honestly i was pretty embarassed when she caught me going through her phone. there was nothing there... and i know she didn't erase anything because she thought i didn't have her new passcode...
i honestly don't think she's trying to strike back up with the OM or any OM for that matter. i think she's honestly sick and tired of being monitored... and i'm tired of monitoring her. my own fear is what it's based on...
fwiw, if you truly feel sure she isn't going to cheat, DO move on. Only you know her. But if I were you I wouldn't be doing so when she has a password protect on her phone.
She LOST the right to have a password protect by cheating on you.
What does she say when you tell her that? Or are you too afraid of pissing her off to take that stance?
Re: wife denies... i don't buy 
she says nothing ever happened but i just think there are too many smoking guns. i'm TRYING to move on but it's fricken hard... and i can't seem to make her understand that. she goes through periods where i think she wants to help me move on, then she just gets frustrated and pissed again. i will say both times i've confronted my wife and asked questions lately (again how dare i ask questions) she started playing with her hair in an odd way BOTH times, in the exact same manner. now perhaps i'm reading too much into that, but they'll tell you that's one of the signs of someone who is nervous and lying. honestly, i would forgive her if she would just tell me the truth so i would quit thinking and WONDERING about what happened. i feel like she has the power to put my mind at ease, and maybe she has by being forthcoming that nothing happened. but in the back of my mind, i know there was more and she won't tell me for fear that it will rock my world even more. if the OM's wife had the same suspicions i did, about the same events in question... what do they say... "where there's smoke there's fire"... 
