My wife and I have been married for nearly 11 years. Two kids, both successful careers, the perfect life.
Last December I discover that she struck up a texting/email/facebook friendship with a co-worker. I found many messages, that were not of a super-sexual nature, but still disturbing. When I confronted her, she said she was sorry and it was just flirting and electronic communication, nothing physical. Although they did have at least two lunches together during December. She apologised to me and I confronted the co-worker. Both said it was over.
January, we go on a vacation. She emails him during the trip and says "I really miss you and just wanted you to know". He responds and says "it's empty around here without you". She responds again and says "I really miss you, just saying". I confront her again and she says she just misses his friendship, and nothing more and that she said that to him because they hadn't really spoken since late December. Although phone records indicate she was texting him in Dallas before a connecting flight out of the country.
I get super paranoid over this situation and it consumes me. As the weeks go on, I continue to bring it up by asking questions. She starts to get defensive with me, saying it was only a friendship and nothing more.
In February, tensions are high between us because I have so much hurt over this issue. She tells me she needs space, and I need to figure out how to move beyond this issue. All the while, the texting continues, and they even met for a 3-hour happy hour at a mexican restaurant. She came home wasted and got mad at me when I asked her questions about it. I checked the credit card receipt to see what time she paid. She was home 30 minutes after she paid, and we live 10-15 minutes from the place. I went into the restaurant to ask the manager what he saw. He remembered where they sat, what they drank, and what time they were there. He also said he saw her give him "one quick kiss". I confronted her and she told me the manager lied and she would go back to the restaurant with me and confront him herself if i wanted. I have a feeling there was a bit of a make-out session in the car outside the restaurant, although she vehemently denies that.
We go to counseling and start doing better in late February to late March. But then I checked our phone bill again this week and the texting continues. Not to the level that it did, but it still does. Also, two weeks ago she tried to get them both on TextPlus, an iphone application that keeps text messages out of your ususal text message in-box. On that same night, she also sent him some kind of picture from her phone. I confronted her again, and again she says they are friends and she only tried to do textPlus because she didn't want me to overreact to an innocent friendship. She also claims she doesn't remember what picture she sent him but swears it was nothing dirty. But still I'm the paranoid one because "you don't believe me".
I'm at my wits end. I want to believe my wife... but I keep getting this gut feeling that there's something more. I honestly don't think there's anything physical, but certainly emotional and I worry about these "pictures". And it frustrates me that she gets mad at me for being paranoid and asking questions...
Somebody please tell me what I should do? I hear people saying "where there's smoke there's fire"... but I just don't want to think the worst....
It sounds like you need to be very strong because this doesn’t sound good. I would suggest putting your faith in Christ because that will fill your heart will something you can rely on in an unstable time.
It also sounds like you already know that she is developing a relationship with this man since you gave text books examples of cheating, and a lot of them.
Your wife probably thinks you’re weak and or spineless since you can confront her with so much and she still denies it. It’s becoming a game to her and she’s probably having fun with it. There’s a good chance she still loves you but is confused. Marriage was designed by God; it’s a representation of his union with the church and to help us understand intimacy and companionship, not necessarily sex, but true intimacy. Therefore, man and wife both have their place and responsibilities, equal I think, but different.
What I would suggest is an ultimatum. She needs to know you have a back bone and there could actually be consequences to her infidelity, men are the spine and strength of the relationship and perhaps that’s out of whack. I have no clue what’s what with your finances, kids or living situation but you can get creative. You must have something she wants or needs besides the role of a husband, and if she doesn’t stop then you need to let her know you have a pair and you leaving or whatever consequence you have created.
Stand up, stand your ground and be the man God designed; an intelligent, discerning and strong man. Know in your heart that you could be with any woman but you chose her, for good reason I hope. If you don’t convince yourself of this then you’ll always be a door mat. Read the book of proverbs, in it you will find great wisdom to assist you.
even if she is telling the truth (an i am betting she is not) then she will cross that line very soon...
friends don't miss each other that badly and friends don't go out to dinner one on one when one is married... (why were you ok with that)
you are married and you have the right to say NO... to any man that is coming around.
at this point you talked to her and no end so know time to take action... block the number (you do pay the bill right) and send him a text i am sure you have the number and let him know you are not ok with him being friends with your hubby (he may not know your not ok with) be straight but not threatning when you text him.
if she gets mad well then she has more invested feelings wise and really she should be going to lunch and dinner and what ever with you HER hubby and not him.
you said where there is smoke there is fire... hunny she has a camp fire going and it will get hotter before it goes out unless you poor water on it really fast.
As far as blocking the number... my wife locked me out of viewing our cell phone account. She says I can twist innocent things into fabricated imaginary things. So I can't block the number, can't even see what's going on anymore.
We've had further discussions over this in the last few days. She denies anything physical and says she only wants friends and to be social. In fact she's mad at me for "overreacting" and trying to "control" her. She says she loves me and that she would never cheat on me. I fear though that she hasn't given me the truth, eventhough I've confronted her with some smoking guns, because she wants to spare my feelings.
The crazy thing is she's making me feel like the jerk for being concerned and insecure about that relationship. If you could see some of the stuff this other man said to her in emails... She says she never said dirty things to him. But my thing is... how did he go from zero to 60 unless he was encouraged.
Also, as far as me being okay with her going to happy hour one on one, I wasn't. I only found out after the fact. And she still denies kissing him at that restaurant eventhough the manager told me he saw her give him one quick kiss. Why would that manager make that up?
From what I see here it looks like she is having and EA, if not a physical one. She is trying to deflect everything on you - not a good sign. If the phone is in your name go to the cell phone store and have them block it for you/ change the password on the account/cancel the phone...
As far as even going to the phone store, I can't do that. She bought our iPhones and set up the whole thing in her name. My name isn't even on the account. Ironic that she changed all this around thanksgiving, the time this "friendship" started with the other man.
I actually did confront the other man early on when I discovered what had been happening. He told me that it was all just talk, and that it was over. But clearly it has continued. And I just can't figure out how he could "turn off" those emotions he developed for my wife. I'm sure he feels like he has something on me. And I worry that he only told me what my wife told him to say.
I should mention that she also sent him some pictures from her phone. she claims they were all innocent and nothing dirty. Of course I don't know what they were and only have her version.
Your W is gaslighting you at this point, from what I've read in your posts.
She's blameshifting, and deflecting, trying to convince you that you're overreacting, and/or unstable.
She's absolutely involved in an EA , if she's sending this guy pics, and saying things like "Miss you" and "seems empty here without you..."
Locking you out of viewing the cell phone account is a screaming red banner. Secrecy is one of the defining aspects of
an EA.
If your W insisits that this is nothing more than an innocent friendship...and that you're overreacting, look her in the eye and say, "If that's really the case, then any friend of yours should be a friend of mine,too. Let's have him over for dinner..."
Her reaction to that request should be very telling. It might even help to clear some of the fog she's lost in.
Your W is gaslighting you at this point, from what I've read in your posts.
She's blameshifting, and deflecting, trying to convince you that you're overreacting, and/or unstable.
She's absolutely involved in an EA , if she's sending this guy pics, and saying things like "Miss you" and "seems empty here without you..."
Locking you out of viewing the cell phone account is a screaming red banner. Secrecy is one of the defining aspects of
an EA.
If your W insisits that this is nothing more than an innocent friendship...and that you're overreacting, look her in the eye and say, "If that's really the case, then any friend of yours should be a friend of mine,too. Let's have him over for dinner..."
Her reaction to that request should be very telling. It might even help to clear some of the fog she's lost in.
Thanks for your insight. We actually did have the guy and his wife over one night because my wife has said she wants us all to be friends. For full disclosure I did confront the guy after I found out in December. When he first walked into my house he was hyper-ventilating as though ge was nervous. It was the first time I had seen him in person since confronting him. The night was a but akward but I went out of my way to be nice.
My wife says licking me out of the phone account is so that I don't overreact to an innocent friendship. If it's so innocent why was it initially hidden from me? And why in susequent months when I've asked my wife if she talked to the guy has she said no, eventhough texts continued.
Thus guy and his wife are having problems. I've talked to her in email to try and see if she suspects or knows anything. She acts like she doesn't bit suggested we meet for lunch so we could talk in person. We are meeting tomorrow. My question is... Do I tell her what I know if she's truly in the dark? Let's just say my wife is being honest and it's only a friendship. Will she get even more mad at me if I bring this up to the other wife and then that conversation gets back to my wife. My wife, who I love mire mthan anything, has truly made me feel like I'm the one with the problem. Perhaps I am. But I've done SO much reading on this subject and I see the warning signs and I know people say to trust your gut. I feel like I'm on the edge of a cliff about to fall off. The funny thing is this guy isn't handsome or suave. I think he just showers get with attention and knows the right things to say. Posted via Mobile Device
Find out this guy's contact numbers for his wife and siblings/parents. Sit down and call those people and tell them he is carrying on an affair with a married woman and you'd like their help talking to him to get him out of your marriage so you and your wife could repair it. At the same time, call your wife's parents, siblings, and best friends. Tell them what she is doing and ask them to help her get free of the addiction to the other man so you can address your marriage honestly.
Then sit back and wait. She will be furious with you - they ALL are when you threaten to take away their drug. Remain calm and say ONLY "I am fighting to save my marriage" and nothing more. If she tries to say YOU harmed her relationship with her family and friends by telling them, all you say is "I only told them the truth. Is there something wrong with them knowing about it?"
If they continue, then you call her boss and tell him his coworkers are carrying on an affair and are using workplace materials and time to do so. You may want to hint that his company may be liable for lawsuits, you'll be checking with your lawyer.
Above all, you have to get them to never see each other again. If it requires her quitting, even you moving, your marriage is worth it. Their affair will never end emotionally if they continue to see each other at work.
Thanks for your insight. We actually did have the guy and his wife over one night because my wife has said she wants us all to be friends. For full disclosure I did confront the guy after I found out in December. When he first walked into my house he was hyper-ventilating as though ge was nervous. It was the first time I had seen him in person since confronting him. The night was a but akward but I went out of my way to be nice.
My wife says licking me out of the phone account is so that I don't overreact to an innocent friendship. If it's so innocent why was it initially hidden from me? And why in susequent months when I've asked my wife if she talked to the guy has she said no, eventhough texts continued.
Thus guy and his wife are having problems. I've talked to her in email to try and see if she suspects or knows anything. She acts like she doesn't bit suggested we meet for lunch so we could talk in person. We are meeting tomorrow. My question is... Do I tell her what I know if she's truly in the dark? Let's just say my wife is being honest and it's only a friendship. Will she get even more mad at me if I bring this up to the other wife and then that conversation gets back to my wife. My wife, who I love mire mthan anything, has truly made me feel like I'm the one with the problem. Perhaps I am. But I've done SO much reading on this subject and I see the warning signs and I know people say to trust your gut. I feel like I'm on the edge of a cliff about to fall off. The funny thing is this guy isn't handsome or suave. I think he just showers get with attention and knows the right things to say. Posted via Mobile Device
I think having a sit-down with the other man's wife is a great idea.In your shoes I would allow her to do the bulk of the talking, at least at first---for the express reason of getting her point of view, without being influenced by your input.
I would then let her know that flirtatious texts and emails have been exchanged between your respective partners, as well as pictures.I would also mention the Textplus your wife got for both of them, for hiding text messages. (something smells bad there......)
It's possible that his wife is completely oblivious, or she may be suspicious, but doesn't have enough evidence to confirm her suspicions.Pooling your information could be mutually beneficial.
I suspect, though, that the problems the OM his having with his W could very well be related to the amount of time he's been spending communicating with your W.
I've been in a similar situation where my husband was concerned about a friendship of mine. Some of your examples sound eerily familiar. In my case, it was truly just a friendship - and it continues to this day, with the spouses being a part of it. We worked it out, and I'll tell you how we did.
When my husband finally spoke to me without accusation and anger - calmly and rationally - and explained his concerns (he told me my behavior - the energy and liveliness - with this other man reminded him of how I used to be with him). His point was valid and I finally understood his fear. At that point, I gave him my passwords - email, Facebook, etc and kept my phone open for him to look at whenever he wanted. Nothing was hidden anymore. I told him about our phone calls. Over time, he saw there was nothing to worry about and he stopped checking. There is peace now and a couples' friendship is getting stronger.
It is possible you two have been butting heads over this situation for so long, her position is so deeply entrenched and she is fighting for her autonomy, and will never give in. It may seem to be a control issue and she refuses to be controlled.
The best way to disarm her is to explain your fears. I would encourage you to look deep into yourself and identify - precisely - what is going on in there. Fear, of course, is the largest part. But fear of what, exactly? Figure it out and tell her -- without anger or accusation. If she can (or will) hear you, there is hope for a change. If she sees and understands your pain - her reaction to that will tell all.
jitterbug... i will let you know what happens. although our lunch tomorrow had to be rescheduled.
jenna... you raise some great points. i think you're exactly right that my wife is fighting for her autonomy and she's pretty much dug her heels in at this point. you used the word control, she uses that all the time with me. i can honestly say i don't want to control my wife... and until this happened i never had any desire to check out her stories and wonder about whether she's telling me the truth. but because it started in secrecy, and because i've found so many "smoking guns", my biggest fear i think is the fear of not knowing what really happened, and what continues to happen between these two. she could talk to any number of male co-workers and i wouldn't give two-cents about it. but the one particular man, who crossed a line and became my wife's closest confidant, is the reason i've lost trust.
i also fear that because we've gone so many rounds on this subject, that her heels are dug in so deep that she wouldn't listen to me and truly understand my feelings. i felt like she did for awhile, and we were doing better. but then when i just happened to see the phone bill last week, and saw the hundreds of texts and a picture sent to him, i blew up again. that sent her over the top and here we are again... i feel like a fool and she feels like her husband doesn't really believe her. i want to believe her, but i'm not sure what's real and what's not anymore...
wife denies... i don't buy 
