Does your wife ever initiate sex? - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
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post #16 of 385 (permalink) Old 04-21-2010, 07:48 PM
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Re: Does your wife ever initiate sex?

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I have told my wife I am ready to go anytime. I can have a fever, be asleep, heck if I get shot and can be stablized, I am good to go. I dont want there to ever be a time where she felt like it and I missed it. Of course, in 18 years of marriage, she rarely wants to. And I am not allowed to wake her up, or sneak in anything while the kids are awake, or bother her when she is tired or has a headache. Talk about working with your hands tied.

I could maybe understand if I didnt tell her how much I love her, if I didnt help around the house, if I wasnt attentive to her needs, if I was an A, if I drank or did drugs, or if I did all I could to avoid work. But I am none of that.

In a lot of ways, the saying nice guys finish last is a very very true statement.

I cant even believe there are women out there that actually desire their husbands and want to please them. Seriously, that has to be a myth.

I have been with one woman my whole life, she is and will always be my one and only love. I have been faithful to her, I still think she is beautiful and I tell her that. But my limited experience is probably why my view of relationships is so skewed.
Goodguy, I'll tell you a big secret a lot of people don't know. YOU have an idea of what your wife wants, but you have no idea probably if what you THINK your wife wants is what she really wants.

In other words, if you do the dishes because you think that should make her love you, but she frankly doesn't give the kitchen two seconds' thought, you are wasting your time. In reality, she's been harboring resentment against you because she has asked you 3 times to hang up those window boxes she bought 2 years ago.

So guess what? You ain't gettin' none!

Go to marriagebuilders.com and print out the Love Buster questionnaire, and ask her to fill it out. It will tell you what YOU are doing that causes her to resent you and not be in the mood. It will tell you what to STOP doing.

If you can make a concerted effort to stop doing all your LBs, she will probably become more interested in you.

THEN, you print out their Emotional Needs questionnaire and ask her to fill it out. It will tell you what are the most important things in HER life - things like honesty, conversation, domestic support, financial support...it's different for each person.

You need to know what her top 5 ENs are, and you need to make sure that you always are the one person meeting all those ENs for her. Make her think warm fuzzies when she thinks of you because you're always making her happy.

Then she will want to have sex with you (barring emotional issues preventing her from doing so). Women typically have to be emotionally connected with their man before they will want to have sex; their sex drive is usually not as high, so it's not their body pushing them to have sex; and they won't have sex just to have sex, like many men will - there has to be emotion involved. That's why many men say their wife just lays there. To them - not getting their ENs met or harboring resentment for LBs - they believe the man just wants their cavity and couldn't care less if she was a blowup doll - and they know it - why else would he just ignore everything that means anything to her (her ENs)?
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post #17 of 385 (permalink) Old 04-23-2010, 12:08 AM
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Re: Does your wife ever initiate sex?

Goodguy,

I think you have a good thing, and it's so sweet to hear how you adore your wife. But I want you to know women do love sex too, at least I do with my husband.

Maybe it's because he's away so much, but I look forward to when ever he comes home to be close to him. It's something I live for...(but not all I live for!). Yet we will have it 5 times a week and we are in our 50's. I don't care if it's in the middle of the night...I would love that if he still did that..He used to when we were younger.

I don't know why some women are indifferent, maybe the same reason some men are.(I was surprised to read this on this forum!)
It might be something men don't talk about because of the "guy thing" and they might be embarrassed. But I think everyone is different and all people have different sexual drives. If you are matched..you are lucky...or blessed.

I think you should be honest with your wife and let her know in a nice way you would like it more often.
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post #18 of 385 (permalink) Old 04-23-2010, 08:06 AM
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Re: Does your wife ever initiate sex?

Yes, I initiate sex. But I think a big problem is what each person regards at "initiating".

To me, if my husband comes home and I put my arms around him and start whispering suggestive things in his ear then I'm initiating things. I like the whole aspect of planning ahead and suspense. To my husband, the person who is initiating is the one who makes the first move. Often he's the one who will actually make the first move but I'm ready and willing so in the end does it really matter anyway? The problem is when one person is never into having and sex and the other is always wanting.

I guess with us, it's a combination of these things. Usually we both seem to know when it's "time" and are in the mood and we start right in. Occasionally one of us will want it and the other will be too tired, etc, but that's part of being a human being and sometimes it can't be helped.
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post #19 of 385 (permalink) Old 04-23-2010, 07:01 PM
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Re: Does your wife ever initiate sex?

My wife does every week. The way we have been able to do this is that we have agreed to make love/have sex 2 times per week. I initiate on one of three days (Sun, Mon, Tues) and then my wife initiates on either (Wed, Thurs, Fri). This has been one of the greatest things we have done in our message. Neither of us can decline when the other initiates so the rejection is no longer there. This has taken some time to get to this point, but it is possible. We've helped other couples get to this point in their marriage and it is amazing to see the transformation that happens in their marriage.
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post #20 of 385 (permalink) Old 04-25-2010, 09:31 AM
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Re: Does your wife ever initiate sex?

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I've said this before and I'll say it again, I never thought men could say no to sex until I got married lol

My guess they say no because they either get off to porn before we initiate or there's someone else.
My husband has had issues with affairs, sexual addiction, on line porn etc. I didn't understand why I was never enough. Fast forward through years of treatment and counseling and now I can initiate and he turns me down. This happens a couple of times per week but he denies it when I try to discuss it. VERY CONFUSING. I really enjoy sex and always have but if I try to wake him up he says no, not just no but her actually gets angry. Is that normal? I have recently stopped asking for sex. I have considered that he may be seeing someone else but he says no. I am pretty cute for my age, go to the gym, I rarely turn him down. There are guys here that wouldn't let a gun shot wound stop them Is it just because he is getting older,47, and/or is now in the normal sex drive range?
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post #21 of 385 (permalink) Old 04-25-2010, 11:37 AM
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Re: Does your wife ever initiate sex?

How old are you "oneoftheguys"? My husband always had higher drive than me until he hit mid 40's, but in all fairness, my drive went through the roof, so this is why, or I probably would have never noticed a difference. I feel like I iniatate more than him, but he feels it is equal.

With the history you describe of him (affairs, sex addiction, online Porn) , could this still be going on & he is still hiding ?? Was his issues ever successfully treated and for a specific amount of time under his belt?

OR if he is really stressed on the Job, tired all the time, falling asleep after work, brain fog, then it could be "hormonal"- a drop in his testosterone levels -which affects "desire" & sex drive. Men loose a little of this hormone every passing year as they age. Some more than others.
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post #22 of 385 (permalink) Old 04-25-2010, 04:07 PM
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Re: Does your wife ever initiate sex?

With the history you describe of him (affairs, sex addiction, online Porn) , could this still be going on & he is still hiding ?? Was his issues ever successfully treated and for a specific amount of time under his belt?

I am 45. It is possible he could be hiding it since he now knows what my computer skills are and can cover his tracks. He has been in individual counseling for 5 yrs. It is every 2 weeks now. He has never asked me to attend with him and I have offered. He does not discuss his issues.

Goodguy wants to know if women initiate sex and the answer is OH YEA we do. My question back is why do I get turned down. I think I can understand how men feel when they are with a woman who says no. I have considered taking my friend of 20+ yrs up on his offer to never tell me no and to provide the nuturing I crave. I know that is wrong but it is tempting. He hasn't had sex with his wife for nearly 2 years. I do not understand.
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post #23 of 385 (permalink) Old 04-25-2010, 06:10 PM
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Re: Does your wife ever initiate sex?

The majority of women have a sex drive that works by responding to male attention. They are wired not to initate but to respond. You may as well ask your wife to be taller than you. Neither one is happening.

You're just assuming that the lack of her asking is a lack of her interest, it really may not be. You're assuming that her sexuality is wired the same as your sexuality and feeling hurt because she's not approaching you aggressively (like a male sexual approach) for sex.

Just get over it lol.
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post #24 of 385 (permalink) Old 04-25-2010, 07:15 PM
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Re: Does your wife ever initiate sex?

Men can definitley say NO. I am always after my husband. He says I grope, fondle & want it too much!
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post #25 of 385 (permalink) Old 04-26-2010, 08:00 AM
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Re: Does your wife ever initiate sex?

Thanks for the advice. I will absolutely look into those questionaires.

We have gone through counseling and we have read the 5 Love Languages. She says she does not have one. She has also admitted that I am no longer attractive to her because I have put on some weight. About 3 years ago I found out she was having a cyber affair. That came out of left field, I never even remotely suspected it. Trusted her completely.

She ended it, we went to counseling. She has worked on being nicer and she is accomodating if I ask. (Within the parameters I have laid out) We have talked frankly about our sex life, but I think the bottom line is that I will never be the guy that she desires. She denies it, and got mad when I brought it up once. It is just far easier to stay with me, we dont fight, I treat her well, we have kids and they are not growing up in a destructive home. But still, there is that very real part of me that feels sorry for myself. I deserved better but this is as good as it will probably ever be. I cannot do it alone and the counseling really didnt do much.
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post #26 of 385 (permalink) Old 04-26-2010, 09:43 AM
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Re: Does your wife ever initiate sex?

You CAN change your marriage. It just requires work. If you focus on not LBing her and meeting her ENs, and spending 15 hours a week together doing 'dating' type stuff, she will start to look at you again as the guy she looks forward to seeing. But it takes work. And the longer the marriage, the more work required.

Try getting this book: Amazon.com: 52 Invitations To Grrreat Sex: It All Begins with a Lick (9780974259918): Laura Corn: Books
Could make a huge difference in the bedroom.
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post #27 of 385 (permalink) Old 04-26-2010, 09:51 AM
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Re: Does your wife ever initiate sex?

men turning down sex should be a huge red flag for a woman.

i will also add that my wife initiates sometimes, but its extremely subtle, she doesn't dress provacatively or jump on me and tear my clothes off (i wish), but she has her little signals, its just still way to infrequently
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post #28 of 385 (permalink) Old 04-26-2010, 11:10 AM
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Re: Does your wife ever initiate sex?

The only time I do is when I know my H 'deserves' it, such as if he's been gone on business for a week, and it would mean a lot to him for me to do so.

I never do for my own purpose; could do without it altogether, if it was up to me. I do it because I'm his wife and you do things for your spouse.
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post #29 of 385 (permalink) Old 04-26-2010, 07:27 PM
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Re: Does your wife ever initiate sex?

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Originally Posted by Goodguy View Post
She has also admitted that I am no longer attractive to her because I have put on some weight.
So lose the weight. All the counseling in the world won't change her lack of attraction to you into attraction.

Lose the weight.


Lose the weight.


Lose the weight.
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post #30 of 385 (permalink) Old 04-26-2010, 08:34 PM
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Re: Does your wife ever initiate sex?

Well as a woman, initiating sex is akward for me, so therefore I don't enjoy it as much as he does when I initiate, but he loves it. I find it hard to understand that he needs this, we've been to counseling and everything and can't come up with a solution, but helping around the house does turn a woman on, but he doesnt get that part, so that makes me not care about what he needs.
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