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Old 04-28-2010, 06:49 AM   #46 (permalink)
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Default Re: Does your wife ever initiate sex?

hey I'm a wife and I initiate a lot of the time as well, mostly me I think, I get turned down a lot as well, his sex drive doesn't seem to be like mine.....some times it's a problem for me......he just uses his excuses, tired, to hot......early meeting.......
married 22 years always been the same......I thought men were always ready to go..........
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Old 04-28-2010, 07:46 AM   #47 (permalink)
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Default Re: Does your wife ever initiate sex?

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Originally Posted by Goodguy View Post
Totally agree here. Is it impossible for a woman to be madly in love someone that loves and respects her? Again and again the saying that nice guys finish last pops up.

I cannot change who I am to a worse version of me. I am a positive person. I smile and laugh every single day. I build people up, I do not tear them down. I tell my wife and boys how much I love them, and how proud I am of them.

I listened to my mom and step dad just rip each other to shreds in screaming arguments. I saw first hand what an alcoholic can do to a family. I learned from those mistakes. I made a promise to myself that I would never do that. I would always treat my wife with respect, I would not drink, I would give my kids a family that stays together. If I have to do without having my emotional and physical needs met then so be it. But I think I will always wonder, and feel a little sorry for myself, that I will never be the guy that someone truly wanted for who he is.
No disrespect, but you're not listening to what we said. We said, you are doing TOO MUCH. She lost respect for you because you do TOO MUCH.

If you want her to respect you, sit down and work out a fair arrangement for BOTH of you to contribute to the household, side by side. Women HATE it when men do everything. They grow to HATE their man for doing it. I'm sure it's something primeval, where the woman had to be valuable in some way in order to get 'saved' from the wild - you are taking away her value by doing all the cooking and cleaning and everything else.

Just try it, ok?

btw, have you done any reading about Adult Children of Alcoholics? You fit into the pattern fairly well. It would probably help you to read up about it and see where you can make changes; it will help you and your marriage.
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Old 04-28-2010, 07:55 AM   #48 (permalink)
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Default Re: Does your wife ever initiate sex?

initiating intimacy 1 time a week is better than no times a week and not to much to ask in any marriage. We all should do what you gotta do to keep each other happy!
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Old 04-28-2010, 08:48 AM   #49 (permalink)
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No disrespect, but you're not listening to what we said. We said, you are doing TOO MUCH. She lost respect for you because you do TOO MUCH.

If you want her to respect you, sit down and work out a fair arrangement for BOTH of you to contribute to the household, side by side. Women HATE it when men do everything. They grow to HATE their man for doing it. I'm sure it's something primeval, where the woman had to be valuable in some way in order to get 'saved' from the wild - you are taking away her value by doing all the cooking and cleaning and everything else.

Just try it, ok?

btw, have you done any reading about Adult Children of Alcoholics? You fit into the pattern fairly well. It would probably help you to read up about it and see where you can make changes; it will help you and your marriage.
Adult Child of Alcoholic Screening Quiz

You answered 15 items out of 20 Yes.

Your score is 75%. Your score indicates that you probably have been profoundly affected by the drinking of someone else. You may benefit greatly from learning more and seeking some outside help.

This does not surprise me, I know it affected me. That is the reason I will never put my kids through it. I also know my parents divorce affected me just as profoundly.

I understand what you are saying about doing too much. I just know that she will not do her part, it simply wont get done. I know because we have tried this to a degree. It winds up being fast food for the kids, and housework that never gets done. She is good at doing the laundry when I ask, and doing the minimums on everything else. That is who she is. One person alone cannot change a relationship. Both people have to put effort into it.

Because I am not willing to leave her and find someone that speaks my love language naturally, I am sol.

I know it is frustrating talking to me, but I am listening to what you are saying, and I will try your suggestions. I just know what the result will be.

Please dont feel like you have to respond anymore. If nothing else it has been good to get some of this off my shoulders.
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Old 04-28-2010, 09:51 AM   #50 (permalink)
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Default Re: Does your wife ever initiate sex?

Here's what other places say. You choose the household things that mean the most to you. If dirty dishes bugs you, and your wife never notices them, YOU take on the dishes. Do that with all the chores. The things she cares about, she is assigned. There has to be SOMETHING she cares about in the house; she can't be a total slob.

fwiw, she stops doing things because she KNOWS you will do it for her. I had a friend whose younger sister consistently did her chores 'wrong' because she knew their mother would make my friend take over that chore. She ended up doing everything, and the sister laughed at her.

This isn't about what you KNOW she will or won't do. It's about what SHE knows she can get you to do.

Stop babying her. TELL her things are going to change, and she and you WILL sit down and draw up a chore chart.

Start with her laundry. Shopping for her items. Anything that's hers, you no longer touch.
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Old 04-28-2010, 06:58 PM   #51 (permalink)
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Default Re: Does your wife ever initiate sex?

GG,
Are you willing to leave her once the kids have grown/left home?

If not, than be honest about it. At that point it is NOT about the kids, it is about your fear of not finding someone else.

This question is a big deal - because I do feel leaving while kids are at home does hurt the kids in most cases. But 2 or 3 times during our marriage I flat out asked my wife "do you think I will tolerate this behavior after the kids are gone?"

And she knew I wouldn't - and she stepped up.



Quote:
Originally Posted by Goodguy View Post
Adult Child of Alcoholic Screening Quiz

You answered 15 items out of 20 Yes.

Your score is 75%. Your score indicates that you probably have been profoundly affected by the drinking of someone else. You may benefit greatly from learning more and seeking some outside help.

This does not surprise me, I know it affected me. That is the reason I will never put my kids through it. I also know my parents divorce affected me just as profoundly.

I understand what you are saying about doing too much. I just know that she will not do her part, it simply wont get done. I know because we have tried this to a degree. It winds up being fast food for the kids, and housework that never gets done. She is good at doing the laundry when I ask, and doing the minimums on everything else. That is who she is. One person alone cannot change a relationship. Both people have to put effort into it.

Because I am not willing to leave her and find someone that speaks my love language naturally, I am sol.

I know it is frustrating talking to me, but I am listening to what you are saying, and I will try your suggestions. I just know what the result will be.

Please dont feel like you have to respond anymore. If nothing else it has been good to get some of this off my shoulders.
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Old 05-01-2010, 11:18 PM   #52 (permalink)
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Default Re: Does your wife ever initiate sex?

Yes. In the early years of our 22 years of marriage I initiated it more than she did but she always initiated it some. In the last five years she has initiated much more than I have and yet almost never turns down my advances either. Sexually I am probably spoiled.
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Old 05-02-2010, 05:43 PM   #53 (permalink)
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Default Re: Does your wife ever initiate sex?

I just don't get it, why are some women so uptight about initiating sex or sex in general? Isn't it just a natural thing to do with your husband?
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Old 05-03-2010, 05:41 AM   #54 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MEM11363 View Post
GG,
Are you willing to leave her once the kids have grown/left home?

If not, than be honest about it. At that point it is NOT about the kids, it is about your fear of not finding someone else.

This question is a big deal - because I do feel leaving while kids are at home does hurt the kids in most cases. But 2 or 3 times during our marriage I flat out asked my wife "do you think I will tolerate this behavior after the kids are gone?"

And she knew I wouldn't - and she stepped up.
At this point, unless she is unfaithful again, I will never leave. Even after the kids are gone, beside I wont care at that point, I will be 60.

I had my chance, right after I found out about the affair, I sat in the car and she called me and asked me to come home. I could have said no right then but I really believed that when she realized how close she came to losing me, things would change. The surface of our marriage has changed for the better, but there is nothing that makes me think she feels any differently about me than she did before.

I am not worried I could find someone else, not in this day of interenet match making services.

All this talk about beta male, sort of cracks me up. I mean, I am a leader with friends and at work. Peer pressure was a joke to me growing up. Even with my wife I was once much different. However as she became less interested in me, I started working harder at trying to get her back. More taking care of kids, more house work, more being attentive to her. All the while my weight kept sneaking up.

When I found out she was unfaithful, I died inside. I am not now, nor will I ever be the same person I was before. It destroyed every single shred of confidence in myself. I doubt if I will ever feel that I am anything but a place holder for her.

I know how she really felt about me, I know she doesnt desire me. I know she will not even do the few things that the marriage counselor and I have asked her to do to help rebuild our marriage. As long as I am faithful to her, she is the only person that can rebuild what she tore apart and she doesnt want to do it.

If I was with a woman that actually did want me and appreciate me. I would be a confidence monster once again.
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Old 05-03-2010, 07:27 AM   #55 (permalink)
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Default Re: Does your wife ever initiate sex?



i read in this site everyday when it comes to figuring out the female libido:

be attentive to her emotional needs, and, dont be too weak or she wont respect you

help around the house to lift her burden, and, dont do too much where she sees you as too weak

get into her head to find out why she isnt participating in sex, and, women just dont like to open up and keep thing to themselves

be patient, hurry up, slow down, do less, do more. aargghhh
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Old 05-03-2010, 09:52 AM   #56 (permalink)
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Default Re: Does your wife ever initiate sex?

Wow. You'd rather spend the rest of your life with a person who doesn't care if you're even there? Why?
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Old 05-03-2010, 09:56 AM   #57 (permalink)
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Default Re: Does your wife ever initiate sex?

yep okiedokie I think you've got us figured out pretty well now
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Old 05-03-2010, 10:02 AM   #58 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Goodguy View Post
If I was with a woman that actually did want me and appreciate me. I would be a confidence monster once again.
I understand what you are saying, but geez you've made great strides in your weight loss and I'm sure (unless you had surgery) that there was a lot of hard work involved...I'm just wondering if you are building up any self-confidence on your own, by your accomplishments? My guess is that a side-effect of your own confidence will be your wife finding you attractive...but really, I hope you can figure out a way to get there without her approval/support, just for you!
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Last edited by swedish; 05-03-2010 at 02:58 PM.
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Old 05-03-2010, 10:40 AM   #59 (permalink)
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yep okiedokie I think you've got us figured out pretty well now



that wont ever happen
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Old 05-03-2010, 03:02 PM   #60 (permalink)
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Default Re: Does your wife ever initiate sex?

I hope your children don't see you the way you just self portrayed.
- Not only Beta but Beta in full blown denial
- Totally the victim of your unsupportive wife who had lost her desire for you - did you ever ask her how she felt about your weight - because desire dropping that would be the first thing I would have asked my wife
- Unable to self propel out of this gigantic emotional ditch you are in without the help of your unhelpful wife

Seems like many guys who have been emotionally overpowered in their marriage talk about how alpha they are at work / with friends etc.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Goodguy View Post
At this point, unless she is unfaithful again, I will never leave. Even after the kids are gone, beside I wont care at that point, I will be 60.

I had my chance, right after I found out about the affair, I sat in the car and she called me and asked me to come home. I could have said no right then but I really believed that when she realized how close she came to losing me, things would change. The surface of our marriage has changed for the better, but there is nothing that makes me think she feels any differently about me than she did before.

I am not worried I could find someone else, not in this day of interenet match making services.

All this talk about beta male, sort of cracks me up. I mean, I am a leader with friends and at work. Peer pressure was a joke to me growing up. Even with my wife I was once much different. However as she became less interested in me, I started working harder at trying to get her back. More taking care of kids, more house work, more being attentive to her. All the while my weight kept sneaking up.

When I found out she was unfaithful, I died inside. I am not now, nor will I ever be the same person I was before. It destroyed every single shred of confidence in myself. I doubt if I will ever feel that I am anything but a place holder for her.

I know how she really felt about me, I know she doesnt desire me. I know she will not even do the few things that the marriage counselor and I have asked her to do to help rebuild our marriage. As long as I am faithful to her, she is the only person that can rebuild what she tore apart and she doesnt want to do it.

If I was with a woman that actually did want me and appreciate me. I would be a confidence monster once again.
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