Talk About Marriage banner
Status
Not open for further replies.

Does your wife ever initiate sex?

241K views 475 replies 251 participants last post by  In Absentia 
#1 ·
Curious, but we have been together for 8 years, no kids. Within those 8 years, my wife has probably initiated sex less than 5 times.

We have discussed it numerous times, how it would be nice if she took the lead the odd time. But still, it never happens. I believe the last time she initiated sex was at least 2 years ago.

Is this odd? Is it too much to ask of her to initiate once in a awhile? Any comments would be wonderful! Thank you.
 
#3 ·
My wife rarely initiates. She seem sto like sex when we have it, but I have to do all the work. Occasionally I would also like to fell her desire and go after me. I do know women (not intimately) that really like sex and like to initiate. Our next door neighbors got a divorce because she said that her husband wasn't giving her enough sex.

On th eflip side we know another couple that hasn't had sex in 14 months. He gets is probably once a year. I remember him coming to talk to my wife and I before he got married. He knew his wife (and her family) had a lot of issues and he was having second thought about who he was marrying.
 
#4 ·
Never, been together for 5 years, mid 20s and I reckon she has initiated sex 2 or 3 times total.

So lately I just stopped trying, I really cant be bothered to initiate when I know its just going to be me doing all the work while she pretends to enjoy it.

Its weird, its like she has no concept that a guy may want to feel desired/wanted/seduced/ from time to time.

I made some remark a few weeks back as to how we rarely have sex - to which she got upset and told me that she watned sex and I didnt blah blah blah (to her just being naked is the signal?) to which I said that she never makes me feel like I want to do it in the first place.

She was pretty upset over that for the next few days - I really cant care anymore.

So back to your question, I wouldnt say this is "normal" but its not exactly unusual either.
 
#92 ·
I made some remark a few weeks back as to how we rarely have sex - to which she got upset and told me that she watned sex and I didnt blah blah blah (to her just being naked is the signal?) to which I said that she never makes me feel like I want to do it in the first place.
What IS the signal? I never know what to DO. I feel foolish sometimes. If it is a weekend, plenty of time or whatever, I might dress up and/or do a strip tease. But even that feels foolish sometimes. And if he is not in the mood... it can be quite a blow.

But the thing is... EVERY time he initiates, he runs the risk of being shut down. So why should HE risk it all the time? Once I had that realization, I was able to initiate more often.
 
#5 ·
Hey guys,
I know this is the men's spot to post stuff, but I couldn't help but to chime in :eek:)

I wouldn't say that I initiate sex, but I do not turn it down. My husband is always wanting sex and I feel as though I can never live up to his sexual appetite...however, I have one as well that is not taken care of the way that I want it. I would be more than willing to hop in the sack if he would pay attention to the emotional needs that I long for. I want to be romanced...not just a quicky then it's over. I think you need to just be open to her about how you feel, so that way she knows and understands what it is you want. My husband did not tell me he wanted for the longest time..and finally we speak openly about our sexual needs/desires/fantasies and it has added some sparks to our relationship since we've had kids. The only thing though is sometimes I am not up to trying everything he wants, so I tell him to slow it down and we'll get there with time...And I know that may take away the excitement or whatever, but sometimes I can feel like I need to perform like porn stars would and it can get intimidating!

Also..sometimes I get stressed..I will be honest I have gone months where SEX was not on my mind...and the very thought of having to take time out of my day to perform stressed me out even more. When my kids go to bed is MY time..I have enough stress thinking about bills and everything that needs to be done. Selfish as it may seem, it's the truth. And I know now, to keep him happy it really doesn't take much...just attention and some sex :eek:) We want attention too! And...one thing I absolutely love is to be complimented about my performance in some way while we are having sex (and throughout the day)...because we women worry about how we look or if we are pleasing you...as great as sex is...we still stress...

Anyways,
That's all I've got for now. Good luck guys!
 
#88 ·
Hey guys,

And I know now, to keep him happy it really doesn't take much...just attention and some sex :eek:)
Anyways,
That's all I've got for now. Good luck guys!
Hello there. those are the golden mysteries of a simple man like myself. I just need a little attention maybe 20 min max per day and "some sex" 1-2x per week is enough to keep me sain and at ease! i wish my wife knew this...
 
#6 ·
Hi, Guys, there are many times I long to have sex but it seems like he doesn't have any desire at all. women has so much to do in the evening, dinner, homework, make sure all the kids washed and go to bed on time, clean dshes, check emails, paying bills, by the time I go to bed, he is sound sleep.... guys, if you want to have sex, help your wife to do chaos, help your wife with kids, then she will lay down at the same time, you will get want you want... I do want him to make love with me all the time, but I don't get it because he is sleeping by the time I got into the bed. so who to blame?
 
#7 ·
My wife initiates more than me. We average 3 times a week and she probalbly initiates it 2 of those times. Definetly helps if you complement her during the day. Women are like cruise ships and men are speedboats. They take a long time to turn around so get them thinking about sex hours before bedtime by flirting, kissing, touching. etc
 
#9 ·
I have told my wife I am ready to go anytime. I can have a fever, be asleep, heck if I get shot and can be stablized, I am good to go. I dont want there to ever be a time where she felt like it and I missed it. Of course, in 18 years of marriage, she rarely wants to. And I am not allowed to wake her up, or sneak in anything while the kids are awake, or bother her when she is tired or has a headache. Talk about working with your hands tied.

I could maybe understand if I didnt tell her how much I love her, if I didnt help around the house, if I wasnt attentive to her needs, if I was an A, if I drank or did drugs, or if I did all I could to avoid work. But I am none of that.

In a lot of ways, the saying nice guys finish last is a very very true statement.

I cant even believe there are women out there that actually desire their husbands and want to please them. Seriously, that has to be a myth.

I have been with one woman my whole life, she is and will always be my one and only love. I have been faithful to her, I still think she is beautiful and I tell her that. But my limited experience is probably why my view of relationships is so skewed.
 
#16 ·
I have told my wife I am ready to go anytime. I can have a fever, be asleep, heck if I get shot and can be stablized, I am good to go. I dont want there to ever be a time where she felt like it and I missed it. Of course, in 18 years of marriage, she rarely wants to. And I am not allowed to wake her up, or sneak in anything while the kids are awake, or bother her when she is tired or has a headache. Talk about working with your hands tied.

I could maybe understand if I didnt tell her how much I love her, if I didnt help around the house, if I wasnt attentive to her needs, if I was an A, if I drank or did drugs, or if I did all I could to avoid work. But I am none of that.

In a lot of ways, the saying nice guys finish last is a very very true statement.

I cant even believe there are women out there that actually desire their husbands and want to please them. Seriously, that has to be a myth.

I have been with one woman my whole life, she is and will always be my one and only love. I have been faithful to her, I still think she is beautiful and I tell her that. But my limited experience is probably why my view of relationships is so skewed.
Goodguy, I'll tell you a big secret a lot of people don't know. YOU have an idea of what your wife wants, but you have no idea probably if what you THINK your wife wants is what she really wants.

In other words, if you do the dishes because you think that should make her love you, but she frankly doesn't give the kitchen two seconds' thought, you are wasting your time. In reality, she's been harboring resentment against you because she has asked you 3 times to hang up those window boxes she bought 2 years ago.

So guess what? You ain't gettin' none!

Go to marriagebuilders.com and print out the Love Buster questionnaire, and ask her to fill it out. It will tell you what YOU are doing that causes her to resent you and not be in the mood. It will tell you what to STOP doing.

If you can make a concerted effort to stop doing all your LBs, she will probably become more interested in you.

THEN, you print out their Emotional Needs questionnaire and ask her to fill it out. It will tell you what are the most important things in HER life - things like honesty, conversation, domestic support, financial support...it's different for each person.

You need to know what her top 5 ENs are, and you need to make sure that you always are the one person meeting all those ENs for her. Make her think warm fuzzies when she thinks of you because you're always making her happy.

Then she will want to have sex with you (barring emotional issues preventing her from doing so). Women typically have to be emotionally connected with their man before they will want to have sex; their sex drive is usually not as high, so it's not their body pushing them to have sex; and they won't have sex just to have sex, like many men will - there has to be emotion involved. That's why many men say their wife just lays there. To them - not getting their ENs met or harboring resentment for LBs - they believe the man just wants their cavity and couldn't care less if she was a blowup doll - and they know it - why else would he just ignore everything that means anything to her (her ENs)?
 
#10 ·
I know that this can be tough. I always dsired my wife to initiate more and for years she didn't, and it was an issue. I don't know what help it can be, but I will say that as my wife got older, and more comfortable with her sexuality she did open up. It took 12 or 13 years of marriage, but today she is very forward and open and does frequently initiate. Be patient, don't push as it can only make things worse, but at the same time try to be oopen and honest - in a loving way - in regards to your needs.
 
#17 ·
Goodguy,

I think you have a good thing, and it's so sweet to hear how you adore your wife. But I want you to know women do love sex too, at least I do with my husband.

Maybe it's because he's away so much, but I look forward to when ever he comes home to be close to him. It's something I live for...(but not all I live for!). Yet we will have it 5 times a week and we are in our 50's. I don't care if it's in the middle of the night...I would love that if he still did that..He used to when we were younger.

I don't know why some women are indifferent, maybe the same reason some men are.(I was surprised to read this on this forum!)
It might be something men don't talk about because of the "guy thing" and they might be embarrassed. But I think everyone is different and all people have different sexual drives. If you are matched..you are lucky...or blessed.

I think you should be honest with your wife and let her know in a nice way you would like it more often.
 
#18 ·
Yes, I initiate sex. But I think a big problem is what each person regards at "initiating".

To me, if my husband comes home and I put my arms around him and start whispering suggestive things in his ear then I'm initiating things. I like the whole aspect of planning ahead and suspense. To my husband, the person who is initiating is the one who makes the first move. Often he's the one who will actually make the first move but I'm ready and willing so in the end does it really matter anyway? The problem is when one person is never into having and sex and the other is always wanting.

I guess with us, it's a combination of these things. Usually we both seem to know when it's "time" and are in the mood and we start right in. Occasionally one of us will want it and the other will be too tired, etc, but that's part of being a human being and sometimes it can't be helped.
 
#19 ·
My wife does every week. The way we have been able to do this is that we have agreed to make love/have sex 2 times per week. I initiate on one of three days (Sun, Mon, Tues) and then my wife initiates on either (Wed, Thurs, Fri). This has been one of the greatest things we have done in our message. Neither of us can decline when the other initiates so the rejection is no longer there. This has taken some time to get to this point, but it is possible. We've helped other couples get to this point in their marriage and it is amazing to see the transformation that happens in their marriage.
 
#21 ·
How old are you "oneoftheguys"? My husband always had higher drive than me until he hit mid 40's, but in all fairness, my drive went through the roof, so this is why, or I probably would have never noticed a difference. I feel like I iniatate more than him, but he feels it is equal.

With the history you describe of him (affairs, sex addiction, online Porn) , could this still be going on & he is still hiding ?? Was his issues ever successfully treated and for a specific amount of time under his belt?

OR if he is really stressed on the Job, tired all the time, falling asleep after work, brain fog, then it could be "hormonal"- a drop in his testosterone levels -which affects "desire" & sex drive. Men loose a little of this hormone every passing year as they age. Some more than others.
 
#22 ·
With the history you describe of him (affairs, sex addiction, online Porn) , could this still be going on & he is still hiding ?? Was his issues ever successfully treated and for a specific amount of time under his belt?

I am 45. It is possible he could be hiding it since he now knows what my computer skills are and can cover his tracks. He has been in individual counseling for 5 yrs. It is every 2 weeks now. He has never asked me to attend with him and I have offered. He does not discuss his issues.

Goodguy wants to know if women initiate sex and the answer is OH YEA we do. My question back is why do I get turned down. I think I can understand how men feel when they are with a woman who says no. I have considered taking my friend of 20+ yrs up on his offer to never tell me no and to provide the nuturing I crave. I know that is wrong but it is tempting. He hasn't had sex with his wife for nearly 2 years. I do not understand.
 
#23 ·
The majority of women have a sex drive that works by responding to male attention. They are wired not to initate but to respond. You may as well ask your wife to be taller than you. Neither one is happening.

You're just assuming that the lack of her asking is a lack of her interest, it really may not be. You're assuming that her sexuality is wired the same as your sexuality and feeling hurt because she's not approaching you aggressively (like a male sexual approach) for sex.

Just get over it lol.
 
#25 ·
Thanks for the advice. I will absolutely look into those questionaires.

We have gone through counseling and we have read the 5 Love Languages. She says she does not have one. She has also admitted that I am no longer attractive to her because I have put on some weight. About 3 years ago I found out she was having a cyber affair. That came out of left field, I never even remotely suspected it. Trusted her completely.

She ended it, we went to counseling. She has worked on being nicer and she is accomodating if I ask. (Within the parameters I have laid out) We have talked frankly about our sex life, but I think the bottom line is that I will never be the guy that she desires. She denies it, and got mad when I brought it up once. It is just far easier to stay with me, we dont fight, I treat her well, we have kids and they are not growing up in a destructive home. But still, there is that very real part of me that feels sorry for myself. I deserved better but this is as good as it will probably ever be. I cannot do it alone and the counseling really didnt do much.
 
#26 ·
#27 ·
men turning down sex should be a huge red flag for a woman.

i will also add that my wife initiates sometimes, but its extremely subtle, she doesn't dress provacatively or jump on me and tear my clothes off (i wish), but she has her little signals, its just still way to infrequently
 
#28 ·
The only time I do is when I know my H 'deserves' it, such as if he's been gone on business for a week, and it would mean a lot to him for me to do so.

I never do for my own purpose; could do without it altogether, if it was up to me. I do it because I'm his wife and you do things for your spouse.
 
#30 ·
Well as a woman, initiating sex is akward for me, so therefore I don't enjoy it as much as he does when I initiate, but he loves it. I find it hard to understand that he needs this, we've been to counseling and everything and can't come up with a solution, but helping around the house does turn a woman on, but he doesnt get that part, so that makes me not care about what he needs.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
You have insufficient privileges to reply here.
Top