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Retroactive Jealousy?! I have that!

25K views 154 replies 24 participants last post by  famethrowa 
#1 ·
I saw a post by samyeagar in another thread but didn't want to jack the thread. He used the term retroactive jealousy, which I found to be the perfect description of what I feel.

So, my current girlfriend is 34, I'm 38. She's been married twice. Her first husband was physically abusive, the second was controling and a serial cheater. I've been married once. I know I'm too old for this jealousy crap, but I can't stop it.

I'd like to know how to get over this or at least manage it.

I'll give some examples of things that will put me in a funk.

Being a glutton for punishment, I went deep into her facebook history. Of course there were old status updates about and pictures of her ex husband. It really bothered me that she kept these. We talked about it and she said she had forgoten they were even on there. She deleted the pictures. I don't know if she has or even if you can delete a status, so I just haven't looked that far back again.

2 weeks ago I did it again but this time it was not as far back and it was just statuses and a video of the last guy she dated before me. I deactivated my FB account to help eliminate the temptation to do it again. She knew something was bothering me, so we talked about it a little bit. She reasured me that she's right where she wants to be and I am who she wants to be with.

There's a hundred little things that are like needles, they don't sting so much but they don't help the situation. Things like her saying "when we lived in _______" or "I used to drive a ______ and the mileage sucked" She doesn't mention the ex when she says these things, but I know that's the time period these things would have taken place.

Last weekend she mentioned that with her second husband she had looked into getting her tubal reversed. Man did that hit me hard. It felt like someone took a butcher knife, put it in a freezer for a week and promptly stabbed me in the gut. I mean, here's a guy that she loved so much she would consider surgery to give him a baby? A guy who was cheating on her! I almost left that night. It hurt THAT bad.

I know this is going to destroy our relationship if I don't get a handle on it. Even if it doesn't drive me away, she will end up losing respect for me because it's just screaming insecure at her. I've felt this in all serious relationships before and it did eventually stop. The problem is that, from what I remember, I had to shut down emotionally a bit to stop feeling jealous. I DON'T want to do that this time.

So what can I do? What can I read? How do I stop myself from dwelling on things I know not too?
 
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#3 ·
There are certain things you'll just have to suck it up on unfortunately...mundane things from the past. It's going to happen. Believe me, I know it sucks, and sucks bad. My STBW and I are living together in her house where she lived with her ex husband, and in the same area where she has spent her whole life and was with all of her past partners. I get to deal with a whole lot of the day to day memories :)

How has your girlfriend helped you deal with this? Have you talked with her about it?

Oh yeah...and we sleep in her marital bed...

ETA: I look for Thunder7 to jump in here too :)
 
#5 · (Edited)
She is very patient and reassuring with me. She tells me that this is her first relationship that she's felt loved. She says she's not sure how to respond to getting flowers or small gestures of love, because no one else has ever done that for her. I'm the first man that cared about her O, sex with her exes was like a job she says. She had mentioned using toys before, so we went to check some out. When we were at the store, she didn't seem very interested. Of course this made me start wondering, why with them but not with me. When I asked her why she was interested in vibrators before but not so much now, she said "I don't need them with you." :D

She never just randomly brings up her exes. It's always in context of something we're talking about, so I know she's not consciously doing it to hurt me or because she's thinking of them.

Yeah we sleep in her marital bed too when I stay at her place. Man that was awkward at first.

When you say suck it up do you mean just internalize it and process it? I usually do for the small stuff and it'll work out of my system in a little while.

Do you want children with her? Does she want children with you? She wanted children with him but not with you?
No, we have 6 kids between us already. We're not looking to have more. It's more that she would consider invasive surgery for such an A hole. I have a hard time with how much she gave to a relationship with someone who treated her so bad. The surgery thing all came up in context of discussing the cost of surgery in the US vs. Mexico.

Pbear, yes this is 100% my problem. It's not fair of me to go digging or to make her feel like she can't even say anything about her past.

Added: I try to remember that even though I won't be her first at most things, I can still be her last and hopefully best. But it's hard to keep those positive thoughts in the moment.
 
#4 ·
Last weekend she mentioned that with her second husband she had looked into getting her tubal reversed. Man did that hit me hard. It felt like someone took a butcher knife, put it in a freezer for a week and promptly stabbed me in the gut. I mean, here's a guy that she loved so much she would consider surgery to give him a baby? A guy who was cheating on her! I almost left that night. It hurt THAT bad.
Do you want children with her? Does she want children with you? She wanted children with him but not with you?
 
#7 ·
In what context does she bring up her exes? Can you give an example? It does sound like you're a bit extreme but my hb used to be really bad about bringing up exes, and even though they were technically not random were somewhat related to what we were talking about they were still wildly inappropriate. I put a stop to it, but I'm not sure I'd recommend my methods to everyone. It would really depend on the context.
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#9 ·
She doesn't usually bring up the exes. More like that time in her life. We'll be talking about the kids in school and she'd mention how great the schools were where she used to live. Or we were talking about needing a bigger vehicle to haul all the kids around and she said "I used to have a suburban but it drank gas."

The only times I can really think of her directly mentioning them was about the surgery thing and we were talking about stay at home moms. She said she'd never do that again, her ex (#2) wouldn't allow her to work but she had to have dinner ready when he got home, but she never knew what time he'd be there. She had to run his bath water, lay his clothes out, if she bought something he'd yell at her for spending "his" money. It's usually in a context of "I am this way because....." Like when she cooks, she cooks a ton of food. She explained to me that her first husband would eat then their kids and then her, if there wasn't enough left for him to have seconds he would hit her. So, yeah it's not usually good stuff when she does talk about them.

Wow, looking at that, I might actually be bat sh!t crazy. It's never good things she says about them. I think in my mind I only focus on the "good" parts.

I hear "My ex-husband made so much money I didn't have to work" when she's saying "my ex-husband was a controlling dink!"

I hear "I put up with him cheating on me because I loved him so much" and she's saying "I don't give up on my relationships easily, and I won't give up on US!"
 
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#10 ·
She doesn't usually bring up the exes. More like that time in her life. We'll be talking about the kids in school and she'd mention how great the schools were where she used to live. Or we were talking about needing a bigger vehicle to haul all the kids around and she said "I used to have a suburban but it drank gas."

The only times I can really think of her directly mentioning them was about the surgery thing and we were talking about stay at home moms. She said she'd never do that again, her ex (#2) wouldn't allow her to work but she had to have dinner ready when he got home, but she never knew what time he'd be there. She had to run his bath water, lay his clothes out, if she bought something he'd yell at her for spending "his" money. It's usually in a context of "I am this way because....." Like when she cooks, she cooks a ton of food. She explained to me that her first husband would eat then their kids and then her, if there wasn't enough left for him to have seconds he would hit her. So, yeah it's not usually good stuff when she does talk about them.

Wow, looking at that, I might actually be bat sh!t crazy. It's never good things she says about them. I think in my mind I only focus on the "good" parts.

I hear "My ex-husband made so much money I didn't have to work" when she's saying "my ex-husband was a controlling dink!"

I hear "I put up with him cheating on me because I loved him so much" and she's saying "I don't give up on my relationships easily, and I won't give up on US
!"
YES! A thousand times YES! She is someone who has accepted her past, and the thing is, if there is any mention, I would be willing to bet that there is no emotion beind it at all. Just matter of fact for her.

My STBW has explained that to me. That if there is any mention, it is either a bad memory, or really just a fact with nothing behind it any more. She has had years to process these things, and she realizes that I haven't and so she is more than patient with me.
 
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#11 ·
I was in the same boat you are, and still am to a degree, so I know what it's like. Exactly what it's like!

I spent FAR too much time worrying about her past (and doing a little digging on FB, like you), and I felt horrible afterwards.

I will tell you, though, that it gets better, and it does eventually go away, more or less. I still find myself getting to those places from time to time, but then I tell myself it's ridiculous, and the feelings wane.

And one of the things that made it better for me - or at least made me realize that it can go both ways - is that I'd find myself talking about something in MY past to my wife. Like how much I loved some city I visited with my ex, or a tv show my ex and I were really into. Mundane things. When I've mentioned those things, I certainly don't say something like "My ex and I had such a great time when we..." It's more like I'm talking about a time and a place, or a situation that my ex happened to be a part of. The ex isn't part of the story, know what I mean? To me, those memories had absolutely nothing to do with my ex - she was just there. It could have been anyone. They were memories of a good time I had in the past. My current wife probably hears it totally different, in that those memories are of me having a great time WITH my ex.

So the conclusion I came to is that we all have good and bad memories of our past, and when we reminisce about them, our partners may take it as remembering good times WITH our exes, when that's not usually the case.

Anyway, short answer, and one I've learned from experience, is to never snoop around without your partners knowledge. If you're the type who absolutely needs to know something, it's much better to be upfront and ask them.

It's also incredibly important to realize that just because your partner does not answer, or does not WANT to answer, it does not mean they have something to hide, or want you to not know. My ex had no problem in talking about her past before me. My current is not interested. I do not take that as a sign that she has something to hide, just that she had a past life, and it's inconsequential to the present.
 
#12 ·
As alexm said, it does get better with time, as long as you do not find yourself obsessing over it.

One thing that triggered fairly recently for me was almost a comedy of errors that I just took from bad to worse. We were walking through the store, and there was a big display of baby oil. We sleep on a water bed, and so I made the comment about stripping the sheets and oiling it up, and she said that might sound fun in theory, but you can't get any leverage. In an attempt to redirect, I said that since baby oil tears the crap out of condoms and other latex and rubber things, it probably wouldn't be good for the mattress. She said she didn't know that because she never had to worry about it because she never really used condoms...uggh.
 
#13 ·
Every few weeks, like clockwork, eh, samyeager.

I wish I had a little more time to offer what little insight I have to the situation. The others have all covered it pretty well. It is definitely step in the right direction, I Don't Know, that you recognize it as YOUR problem, not hers. While I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt we in this ugly little fraternity wish our SO's had no past at all to speak of, we recognize that they do, and it's not their fault; they did nothing wrong. It's called life. As long as you are not piling your baggage on her it's just a matter of finding the best way for you to deal with your issue. And, like most things, there's always more than one way to tackle a problem. You just have to find which way works best for you.

samyeager:

She said she didn't know that because she never had to worry about it because she never really used condoms...uggh.
Doesn't it always seem to be the most innocuous, throw away, comments that trigger the worst reaction? She made a 'matter-of-fact' statement that wouldn't have even registered with most people, but it was like smacking you in the face with a frying pan.
 
#16 ·
Hi Mavash. Hope all is well.

As Mavash pointed out, IDK, this is an issue that can be very difficult, not only for the person dealing with the RJ, but also for that person's SO. So, tread lightly. Good luck.

One more thing. Please ignore the flood of 'just get over it' comments that usually accompany a thread of this nature. They should be coming in.....3....2....1.....
 
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#18 ·
She is not living in her past, she is living in the present, with you.

Her past will still have shaped her into the person she is today, so for all your jealousy, if she had not taken the course in life she did, you may not be with her now.

We all have a story.
The thing people seem to forget when forming this idea, is that her past becomes his present everytime it comes up. For her, it is recalling a memory that she has processed and worked through. For him, he is experiencing it in the present, for the first time.

I would seriously question the empathy of a partner who's response to RJ is simply 'get over it'
 
#17 ·
Wouldn't it be nice if "just get over it" worked?

I wouldn't have had to spend thousands of dollars healing myself from depression then. ;)

TAM wouldn't exist. Therapists would be out of business. The drug market would collapse.

Just get over it. Brilliant!

I think the exact opposite advice works actually. EMBRACE the feelings and learn to coexist with them.

I've had to learn to coexist with my depression tendencies and the same can be said for RJ. It just takes a bit of effort, awareness, counseling maybe and mindfulness.
 
#19 ·
Thunder7 and I may be the resident RJ guys, but you are certainly the resident spouse, and I just have to applaud your efforts to realize that this is a very real thing and not something that should just be dismissed. It's one of those things that unless you have lived it, you really can't understand it.
 
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#20 ·
I fully admit I don't 'get' RJ I just don't.

But then again my husband didn't 'get' my depression either.

I believe in the philosophy of unless you've walked a mile in someone else's shoes you have no idea their pain.

If you tell me you are in pain I will take that at face value and treat it with kindness even if I don't fully understand it.

It's the right thing to do.

I offer that same compassion to the OP.
 
#22 ·
I fully admit I don't 'get' RJ I just don't.
Mavash, I don't think we 'get it' either. And that's the ***** of it. From a logical standpoint we all say, 'This makes no sense at all to feel this way'. But that doesn't stop those feelings.

OP, just so you know, in the little bit of research that I've done on this I have found that RJ is actually a form of OCD, which would explain the compulsiveness of it. And, also why 'just get over it' is meaningless.
 
#23 ·
I too do not care for the "just get over it already... she is with you Bud" attitudes that come forth on these threads...

Just from observing others stories....the way men are geared.....I feel some of the most loving / giving men ...with the biggest & deepest hearts for their women ARE the ones who struggle with this issue..it is because they love so deeply and are sensitive...in many ways, this is just one (and it can cause a problem & torment him)....but yet....it is born out of the fact he loves so deeply, it hurts to imagine her being with another......so it's very delicate to deal with this...

And I give kudoos to all the wonderful women who have taken the time to understand what they are going through and to NOT make light of it... but to show they care.. that they are there for the long haul in helping them overcome it...whatever it takes.......those relationships will MAKE it...and thrive...

Being flippant about this very delicate thing is to spit on the man....that's what I see.

Samyeagar has a very GOOD attitude in this ...You should do a specific thread devoted to this.....you seem to be the poster boy of overcoming on this as well.. take notice of his words here again......there is NO judgement on the woman...

samyeagar said: Always remember to consciously make sure you do not say or do anything to disrespect, humiliate, degrade, make her justify, or otherwise use her past against her because she did nothing wrong, and that is very unfair, especially in the heat of an argument. She is working with you on this right now. That shows that she really does care and is putting in the effort to make this work.
:smthumbup:
 
#42 ·
I too do not care for the "just get over it already... she is with you Bud" attitudes that come forth on these threads...

Just from observing others stories....the way men are geared.....I feel some of the most loving / giving men ...with the biggest & deepest hearts for their women ARE the ones who struggle with this issue..it is because they love so deeply and are sensitive...in many ways, this is just one (and it can cause a problem & torment him)....but yet....it is born out of the fact he loves so deeply, it hurts to imagine her being with another......so it's very delicate to deal with this...
This is exactly what it feels like for me! SA nailed it.
 
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#24 ·
Just remember that this is your problem, not hers. Rj is a form of ocd, when you add depression and reality perception problems in the mix, it can be a real mess, not going to go into my story but I've been suffering for 15 years. It gets better, but it never goes away, always a trigger. Lots of people find that talking it over with their partner helps out a good bit. I dont talk to her about it anymore, I know enough to be scarred for life like it is. Dive deeper into the rabbit hole and theres just more crap to pile on with the rest of it. "Just get over it" , "the past is the past", "she wouldnt be who she is today", I've heard all that and many more, it would be nice to be able to think like that. Just dont work with people like us. We all have a past, we all make mistakes, ect, holding the past against someone is really unfair. Talking to her about it might help alot, then again she could get tired of hearing it over and over and it might actually drive her away. Hopefully you will get some good advice on this from others. I've been looking for answers on this myself for quite sometime, this is actually what brought me to this site. I never said anything about it because of all the bullsh*t others spout off about it when they dont have an issue with it. Funny how when something effects you directly your whole perception of things change.
 
#26 ·
I don't really understand what your jealous of? You knew she had two previous husbands before you got married I'm guessing and at 34 years old you couldn't have expected (or really wanted) her to not have had any life experiences with other men.

Are you jealous you aren't the first guy she's been with? It sort of sounds that way. If so, keep in mind she isn't the first woman that you've been with either. From your description you even say that she isn't really bringing up the exes just talking about relevant life experiences from the past.

My advice, would be to get some sort of counseling for this. If it keeps going it's just going to turn into trouble for the relationship.
 
#29 ·
Being a glutton for punishment, I went deep into her facebook history. Of course there were old status updates about and pictures of her ex husband. It really bothered me that she kept these. We talked about it and she said she had forgoten they were even on there. She deleted the pictures. I don't know if she has or even if you can delete a status, so I just haven't looked that far back again.

2 weeks ago I did it again but this time it was not as far back and it was just statuses and a video of the last guy she dated before me. I deactivated my FB account to help eliminate the temptation to do it again. She knew something was bothering me, so we talked about it a little bit. She reasured me that she's right where she wants to be and I am who she wants to be with.

I know this is going to destroy our relationship if I don't get a handle on it. Even if it doesn't drive me away, she will end up losing respect for me because it's just screaming insecure at her. I've felt this in all serious relationships before and it did eventually stop. The problem is that, from what I remember, I had to shut down emotionally a bit to stop feeling jealous. I DON'T want to do that this time.

So what can I do? What can I read? How do I stop myself from dwelling on things I know not too?
Since you already knew you were prone to RJ, may I ask why you went deep into her FB history?

I would think that if you already know RJ is a problem you have, the less investigating into the past you would do so that you have less to dwell on.
 
#33 ·
Do you feel your needs are being met? Do you feel you are getting her best?

I have had some serious RJ issues at times with my wife. I can identify some common aspects when it happens.

First, she makes a throw away comment about her past which seems as if she has no empathy for how it might feel to hear it. The example about not using condoms is a good one. Yeah it would be crappy to hear that, and she should be more considerate.

I mean, why did she think of it that way? She is thinking of the past rather than the present. Why didn't she say something like "yeah condoms and oil don't mix"?

To turn it around, even a compliment could be said in an unthoughtful way. "Wife, you taste so much better than any of my previous girlfriends". I would never say something like that to her because I would think about how it might be taken by her.

The other aspect of it for me has been that I am not getting all she gave the others. Or, I got it while dating but not after the wedding. So for her to mention doing it in the car or on the beach with other boyfriends is a bit of poke in the eye to me because she has never done that with me. And, she seems to think there is no reason to do it with me.

If we were having frequent hot sex but just not in the car, it wouldn't be a big deal. When needs are being met there is no need to keep score or make comparisons with previous partners.
 
#36 ·
Do you feel your needs are being met? Do you feel you are getting her best?

When needs are being met there is no need to keep score or make comparisons with previous partners.
Both excellent points. Love the band Foo Fighters. The song 'Best of You' is a trigger for that very reason. I sometimes feel as though the best was given to someone else, and I'm stuck with whatever's left. I go 2-4 weeks without sex and think, 'I bet none of the ex's ever went that long. She didn't say no to them'.

Keep in mind, we're talking 23+ years ago! Kinda wish I could get off this crazy train.
 
#48 ·
Yep, you're right there's no way to explain it. Mind movies are the worst. I don't really do those often, thankfully.

The feelings it generates are vague and confusing even while you're experiencing them. It's not really jealousy or anger or even hurt. It's a deflated feeling. I usually just call it a funk or getting in my own head.

I had an ex who had a lot of partners, that was tough. To make it worse was that even though she slept (hook ups usually) with so many guys, she didn't seem to want sex with me very much. Talk about a mind f***. That was torture for a 22 year old guy.
 
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#49 ·
Yep, you're right there's no way to explain it. Mind movies are the worst. I don't really do those often, thankfully.

The feelings it generates are vague and confusing even while you're experiencing them. It's not really jealousy or anger or even hurt. It's a deflated feeling. I usually just call it a funk or getting in my own head.

I had an ex who had a lot of partners, that was tough. To make it worse was that even though she slept (hook ups usually) with so many guys, she didn't seem to want sex with me very much. Talk about a mind f***. That was torture for a 22 year old guy.
That's a really good way to describe it...certainly not jealousy which is why I really don't like that term...such a negative connotation.

My STBW never did the ONS thing. Always within the context of a relationship. We knew eachother for a month or so before we started dating, and had spent countless hours talking and texting and getting to know eachother. Our sexual pasts came out during that time, as well as our wants, needs, and desires. We both agreed that three or so times a week was what our physical need was. With her ex husband, it was 3-4 times a week. We slept together on our second date, and have been holding steady at about 10-15 times a week from the start.

We did have one extreme situation fairly early on that really triggered the RJ to the point of making me physically ill. That is one I have done a lot to work through and with her help, things are a lot better, but I am certain it will not be something I will ever forget.
 
#51 ·
The extreme situation from earlier...

My STBW was married to a very sexually demanding and abusive narcissist. He cheated on her multiple times, was physically and emotionally abusive as well. Their marriage finally ended when he left her. She went through a several month period where she was probably legally insane. It was bad. Even though he had left her, he kept finding ways to continue to hurt her, and she finally had enough. She decided to strike back at him and get her revenge in the most hurtful way she knew how. She slept with his son, her step son. She made it a point to spread the gory details to everyone but her ex, and let the news get back to him through the grape vine. Oh did she put on the show too. Sucked him and fvcked him in the back of her car, and she loved every minute of it because with everything she did, it was with a revenge driven enthusiasm of a scorned lover. Every kiss, every suck, every thrust was another knife in the heart of the man who had hurt her so badly.

The reason that all came out? Two of them. So many people knew about it. People we would inevitably be around, so there was a very real possibility it would come up in conversation. THe other reason...the main reason...the most difficult reason...before my STBW and I even knew each other, her step son ended up in jail. His mother lived several states away, and my STBW had promised he could come stay with her for a while when he got out to get his feet on the ground. She made that promise before we even knew each other. THen I came into the picture, and we started getting serious, then it came time for him to get out, and she was forced to tell me. We had a rough several days.

I believed her completely when she said it was the one time. That there was nothing between them, and she didn't want anything. That the only reason she picked him wa because of the huge amount of hurt it would cause her ex husband, and it was nothing personal about her step son. There were no feelings.

We had several arguments about it. I never once said that I did not wanting him moving in, but I made my feelings known that I was not comfortable with it at all. I think the arguments were really ones she was having with herself. She offered to make sure that she was never alone with him, not because she was worried anything was going to happen, but to ease my mind. She finally offered to tell his mother that he couldn't move in, and I believe it was a genuine offer on her part. I didn't take her up on that. He moved in for a couple of months and there were certainly some awkward moments, but we worked through them. She went out of her way to be open and honest with any questions I had. She was very understanding and validating with my feelings. She made me feel very safe.
 
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#53 ·
I think the issues surrounding your case of RJ is different from other men.
You are lucky to have a woman for a lover who has accepted responsibility or claimed her past and did the necessary work on herself and both of you have worked on your relationship to bring it to the point where it's at today.

In the other cases I've seen here , the person suffering from the effects of RJ are are made to feel as though they alone are the ones in the relationship with the problem, and they could and should simply " get over it."
 
#54 ·
Why don't you feel you're good enough for her?

Why don't you feel you deserve good things in your life?

You really do need to find a good counselor. You have pretty extreme feelings of insecurity.

First, CARRY this burden. Don't talk to her about it. The old adage "fake it til you make it applies here". Pretend to be confident.
 
#57 ·
I don't know. I don't think I'm especially insecure. I have always been a quiet, shy person. Not super confident socially. I know it sounds like insecurity. Maybe it is.

I'm not the type of guy she would have dated 5 years ago. I guess that bothers me or makes me wonder sometimes, but I'm not worried that she'll cheat or leave me.
 
#58 ·
I know this is going to destroy our relationship if I don't get a handle on it. Even if it doesn't drive me away, she will end up losing respect for me because it's just screaming insecure at her. I've felt this in all serious relationships before and it did eventually stop. The problem is that, from what I remember, I had to shut down emotionally a bit to stop feeling jealous. I DON'T want to do that this time.
This sounds like self-sabotage behavior. You only feel RJ in serious relationships, and in order to not feel it, you have to shut down emotionally, which in turn, affects the relationship negatively or destroys it.

Are you afraid of serious relationships in some way? Self-sabotage is very much a sign of having intimacy issues - you subconsciously do things to sabotage a relationship that's getting too close because of your internal fears about relationships, or internal fears about someone getting too close to you or you getting too close to someone emotionally, or you feel vulnerable so try to protect yourself.
 
#59 ·
I understand exactly what you are getting at here, and that was a concern of mine for the OP when I first read that, along with the need to dig for information. However, I think from more things in this thread that the OP has said, I'm not sure it is quite as strong as it first seemed, but being aware of the self sabotaging is very important.
 
#61 ·
RJ is an involuntary destructive behavior. However, me personally, I have always been smart enough not to pry for too many actual details. It's funny, while I can always remember what we now call RJ being somewhat present in my life I can still recall the 'information' that sent me into a complete tailspin, oh, almost 29 years ago. It was at that moment that I knew I had a real issue. I'm just pleasantly surprised, really, that it never became a factor in my marriage, until about 10 months ago. It would have made those 20+ years unbearable. As I said before, not sure why it cropped up again, all of the sudden.
 
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#62 ·
On a humorous side note (I thought of this the last time this topic came up in several threads) I actually have a cat named RJ. No, it's not because of this subject matter. And, it didn't actually hit me until a few weeks ago. Kind of ironic. :p
 
#63 ·
You need to work on yourself as many said already. Also, have a talk with her and see if she can work on bringing up the "my ex used to" a lot less. I have suspicious/jealous issues but they wound up being legit....EA's at least......and my gut knew. I never got an ounce of re-assurance from my partner, you did, so there is hope there.
 
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