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Retroactive Jealousy?! I have that!

24K views 154 replies 24 participants last post by  famethrowa 
#1 ·
I saw a post by samyeagar in another thread but didn't want to jack the thread. He used the term retroactive jealousy, which I found to be the perfect description of what I feel.

So, my current girlfriend is 34, I'm 38. She's been married twice. Her first husband was physically abusive, the second was controling and a serial cheater. I've been married once. I know I'm too old for this jealousy crap, but I can't stop it.

I'd like to know how to get over this or at least manage it.

I'll give some examples of things that will put me in a funk.

Being a glutton for punishment, I went deep into her facebook history. Of course there were old status updates about and pictures of her ex husband. It really bothered me that she kept these. We talked about it and she said she had forgoten they were even on there. She deleted the pictures. I don't know if she has or even if you can delete a status, so I just haven't looked that far back again.

2 weeks ago I did it again but this time it was not as far back and it was just statuses and a video of the last guy she dated before me. I deactivated my FB account to help eliminate the temptation to do it again. She knew something was bothering me, so we talked about it a little bit. She reasured me that she's right where she wants to be and I am who she wants to be with.

There's a hundred little things that are like needles, they don't sting so much but they don't help the situation. Things like her saying "when we lived in _______" or "I used to drive a ______ and the mileage sucked" She doesn't mention the ex when she says these things, but I know that's the time period these things would have taken place.

Last weekend she mentioned that with her second husband she had looked into getting her tubal reversed. Man did that hit me hard. It felt like someone took a butcher knife, put it in a freezer for a week and promptly stabbed me in the gut. I mean, here's a guy that she loved so much she would consider surgery to give him a baby? A guy who was cheating on her! I almost left that night. It hurt THAT bad.

I know this is going to destroy our relationship if I don't get a handle on it. Even if it doesn't drive me away, she will end up losing respect for me because it's just screaming insecure at her. I've felt this in all serious relationships before and it did eventually stop. The problem is that, from what I remember, I had to shut down emotionally a bit to stop feeling jealous. I DON'T want to do that this time.

So what can I do? What can I read? How do I stop myself from dwelling on things I know not too?
 
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#64 ·
"She is very patient and reassuring with me. She tells me that this is her first relationship that she's felt loved."

You sound like you need to start feeling this way. Seek a councilor, for yourself and her. You have a woman that loves you, learn to love and trust her and most important, yourself.
 
#65 ·
I think you're right, I'm probably going to have to get counseling for this. Last night I did it again. This time she wasn't so patient with me. I get it. It gets old.

Thunder7, speaking of irony. Last night what set me off was a Tshirt from her ex's work. She wasn't wearing it but had before and I brought it up. So, I get up this morning, grab a tshirt out of the drawer and guess which shirt it is. Yep that's right. I just started laughing, looked up, and said "are you kidding me?"
 
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#67 ·
I've asked myself that. I've asked her that. She says it's just a shirt. I kinda get that. I have shirts that my ex gave me. But the difference is my shirts don't have her place of employment printed on the back.

God, now I'm going to bring the shirt up again. I know better but it's eating at me. Seriously, if it's just a shirt, WHY would you keep it?
 
#68 ·
Are you going to ask her to throw out everything she used to wear when with her exes, every shoe, every handbag, everything she ever received as a gift, every picture, every bit of her life history? And then gag her so she never mentions one single thing about her life before you, or brainwash her so she doesn't even remember she had a life before you? Will you forbid her to watch any movie or tv show or read any book or listen to any music she might have watched or read or listened to when she was with her exes? Will you never go to Thanksgiving with her family or celebrate Christmas with them because her exes did? Will you never say "I love you" because her exes did? Will she be forbidden to go to any coffee shop, restaurant, park, store, or street that she went to with her exes? Will you make her switch toothpaste because her ex used Crest, too? Will you refuse to eat any meals she makes because she made them when she was with her exes? All so you never trigger, even though you might anyway because YOU know she had a life before you?

I'm exaggerating to make a point about how your requests can be perceived by someone like your gf who might be getting super-frustrated about this issue you have, because she can make all the changes that you want and you will STILL find something else to be upset about.

I get it that it's just a shirt, but you also need to understand that it's just a shirt.
 
#72 ·
Exactly Sam. I would get rid of anything short of my kids that was causing her discomfort. She wouldn't even have to ask.

Norajane, no I have no need for her to get rid of everything she had when she was with him. But I also don't need her pointing out every thing either. This shirt points itself out.

I don't know. Part of me says it's a shirt, no big deal. Part of me says why wouldn't she just get rid of it? I think I'm damned if I do, and slightly less damned if I don't.
 
#74 ·
Here's a fun one for you...right after I moved in, my STBW rather excitedly brought out a shirt that still had the tags on it and said she thought it'd look really good on me, and wanted me to try it on. It was a shirt she had bought for her ex husband, and he hated it and never wore it...
 
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#75 ·
Like I mentioned earlier, we sleep in her marital bed, and that has caused, and still does on occasion, cause some issues for me. THe thing is, when I asked her how she would feel sleeping in my marital bed, she said she didn't really think she'd care much, but that she'd also get kind of a rush out of it knowing how much better she was to me than my ex wife, and it would be a way to stick it to my ex.
 
#78 ·
I think I'll just keep it in for now. I'll look into counselling, but doubt I can afford it. I really don't know what to do if that can't happen. I can't expect her to never mention her past. I can expect her to not throw it in my face, which is what THIS particular shirt does. She flat out said last night she's not going to throw her clothes out just because it has an oil rig on it. I'm really doubting everything after last night.
 
#80 ·
How about this one as far as clothing goes... I got out of the shower one night, and STBW was in some really smokin hot lingerie. I told her how sexy it was, and she told me she got it at a show girl place in Vegas. The only times she's been to Vegas were with her ex husband.
 
#83 ·
I think this is a great example. YOU would never do that to her, and so it bothers you that SHE does this to you. It is part of the problem. She has a different level of empathy or concern than you do. This is worth you considering, is this mismatch fatal to your relationship?

The second part of this example is that her past is being flaunted in front of you. There are many things which I think should be no problem. Prom pictures from years ago, kept in a box in the closet. Cool. Even a wedding dress from a previous marriage would be ok, kept in storage. These are meaningful items but they are not on constant display.

But lingerie which she bought with and presumable wore for an ex? That crosses the line because this is an intimate part of her past. Of course one wonders what her memories are as she wears it. What is she thinking of when she wears this lingerie?

I don't hear that everything is causing RJ, just some specific things at specific times. Getting rid of a T-shirt should be no big deal if it bothers her partner.
 
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#89 · (Edited)
FrenchFry,

I have never experienced retroactive jealousy with any woman I've ever been with and before I married I only dated " fast & furious " type of women. I remember there were women whom I was involved with , and we would compare past sexual experiences, " bloopers " included and laugh at each other, and ourselves. That was fun.

The only virgin I've ever had sex with was my wife because I used to think it was below me to negotiate sex with a woman. If I sensed that she was hesitant,I simply moved on to another woman .
Whenever a woman saw me coming around her, she knew I wanted sex. That was my rep, I never really placed value on sexual intimacy.

However my wife , early in our marriage did have a bit of RJ , because she knew my rep. Hers didn't get to the point of obsession , maybe because of how we dealt with it. We did it together.
Automatically I put myself in her shoes , and It became clear how she felt and what I needed to do.

Not everyone experiences this RJ, but I do believe that we all have the ability to empathize , especially with those whom we profess to love.
 
#82 ·
My H and I live in my marital house, but almost all of the furniture in it belonged to him when we met. So the bed we sleep in, is his bed he has had who knows how many women in.

The room we are in was once my room with my ex-h.

It is strange at times...we reflect on it once in awhile. We tease each other...any time he mentions the ex-h and my house, I ask him how many women he's had sex with in that bed...then he blushes and we both laugh. We are pretty good about it. We just know that it is what it is and our pasts have nothing to do with each other.

He has always been too kind and classy to tell me any real details that would haunt my brain. He knows better, even when I have asked I only get enough info that I can know what happened but nothing I can make a mind movie out of. He's really sweet like that. He also never asks for any detail he can make a mind movie out of either.

We love each other so much that it is hard to imagine and think about them loving or sexing it up with someone else...it hurts somehow, somewhere inside? Can't even really explain it.

But luckily neither of us are *haunted* by it nor *tortured* by it. I'm sorry for any of you who are, that would suck for sure.
 
#84 ·
i hate the term retroactive JEALOUSY, to me retroactive hurt, retroactive loss , retroactive failure better fits the way it hurts. i have no jealousy issue. i feel that i was not there to protect her, i feel loss in our relationship, and i even feel guilt.
my wife tells me its my problem, i need to get it fixed. tells me look what its doing to our relationship. if she would see that it is a problem that is ours not just mine it would help things out more instead of feeling of isolation and to deal with it alone.
 
#85 ·
I had no idea so many here shared this issue. Me 28 years and counting. I see my situation as a bit different (of course).

Dated rarely as a teen because I felt too immature. When I met W it was like I was hit over the head. She was not the prettiest I had dated. She was the heaviest (that was a road I never thought I would have gone down). But there was a connection I knew was rare. She expressed the same feelings for me.

When we were engaged she shared with me that she had slept with someone. We both came for very religious backgrounds and I had not been with anyone. She said it was an indiscretion and no big deal. I was in love so what did I care about something so insignificant.

As things got closer to the wedding I started to connect dots. I found a mostly used pack of BC in the back of her car when I was cleaning it out. I learned that she had kind of dated one of my friends who actually introduced us. The more I learned about their relationship I began to suspect it was him but at the same time I thought who would do that to a friend.............right.

Well after we got married more information came out and she did everything but tell me it was him. I did not press because I did not want to know. Then her sister married his brother and her best friend was married to his other brother. At this point I realized I was never going to get away from her past. To say it bothered me is an understatement. Last summer I finally connected all the dots and I am convinced that I was the safe choice. The ones her parents would be happy with (they have no idea she ever dated him).

He wanted to marry her but he had dumped her previously and her pride would not let her say yes. The girl he married was someone I dated (not seriously) but in some ways I believe we were both pawns in their game.

I could write a thread as long as war and peace about all this stuff but it really is not even therapeutic. I wish I could stop loving her and leave. I feel for those of you here that struggle with this. It sucks! Thanks for the OCD information. It completely makes sense but once again I do not believe any of the insights here are going to make me more emotionally healthy. It is in front of me all the time. Our lives constantly intersect with his families. His specter is always looming.
 
#92 ·
I can somewhat relate to this. My STBW grew up in small town USA where everybody knows everyone else. We are currently living in her marital home in the same area. She has been with thirty or so men, and when we are all together with friends, talking about the past, it's hard to avoid who dated who, and who is with who now, and I have found myself wondering from time to time wit just about every guy I meet...has she been with him...I know better than to ask.
 
#86 ·
French Fry, what's kinda funny is that we sometimes think, 'how could that NOT bother you'. A strange juxtaposition of feelings. And be glad you don't have to deal with this crap.

dbc, you're right. It never thought jealousy was the right word. But, when you look up the definition it uses words like resentment, suspicion and fear. I think in certain ways those terms apply.

Satya, you are 100% correct. RJ is not something that only affects one side. Both parties in the relationship have to deal with it. This is the main reason why, when addressing this topic with others I emphasize over and over again this is 'not her issue, it is yours'. There is no room for blame or shaming someone for something they did before you met. I deal with mine by internalizing. I don't even think my wife knows I have this issue. If someone is lashing out at their partner they are the ones who truly need help.

Remember, it's compulsion, not a logical choice. It is a form of OCD.
 
#87 ·
Not something I suffer from.

Whether it is true or not I don't know, buy my wife has told me I am the biggest, the best she's ever had etc etc.

True? *shrugs* I don't care it makes me feel good.
 
#88 ·
Something I've observed, and even I don't get it, with regards to this topic. I fully understand being bothered to the point of sleepless nights by thoughts of your SO's past. But to go so far as to ask about gory details: how big were your exes, what sex acts did you do together, did he do things I don't do, are there things you won't do with me that you did with him, holy crap! I think I'd eat my gun before I ever got to that prying point. That seems to elevate RJ from compulsion to masochism. Just a thought.
 
#95 ·
When my ex wife was giving me old things after the divorce, she gave me one of the wedding albums, and it promptly went into the trash...never even made it to my STBW's house. My parents have done a realy good job of cleaning up all the pictures they had.

Going through some old albums of my STBW, we ran across some pictures that made me bristle a bit, and we talked about it. I told her about the wedding album as she didn't even know it was given to me. I explained it that yeah, it's my past and I want to keep it there and don't need the photographic evidence to bring it into the present. She has gotten rid of a lot pictures all on her own.

Just to be clear here...I have not once, NOT ONE TIME, asked her to get rid of anything, nor pressured her at all. I am always very conscious of saying anything about things that trigger me, and do pick my batles on that because I do know it's MY issue.

I didn't tell her about and never will tell her about the nude albums my ex wife also gave back to me. Those went into the trash as well...no I didn't post any of the pics online...
 
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#96 ·
Let me tell you what I've done for my husband.

There are no prom pictures. Gone.

There are no pictures of ex's. Gone.

No school dance pictures, no sentimental items, no furniture, no clothing, no t-shirts, nothing. Gone.

No love letters. Gone.

It's all gone.

I married the love of my life and he is more important to me than any object or picture.

Fresh start.

I wasn't perfect in that I did keep items for a while (stupid) but over time as I saw he was bothered I purged.

It was the right thing to do. :)
 
#103 ·
My wife surely has prom pics and other mementos somewhere. It doesn't bother me. As long as her memories remain fond yet infrequent it isn't an issue. For me it is an issue of her affection to me being in question.

One object which bothers me is a nice cedar chest given to her for her 16th birthday by her 20 yr old boyfriend. When we bought our first house she wanted to put it in the master bedroom at the foot of our bed. WTF? She was very unhappy when I said no way. She had no empathy for me. While she claimed the chest had no meaning to her, she seemed very attached to the idea of having it in a prominent place. She was unable to concede it might bother me to have it there, knowing she was bent over it by her boyfriend.

Does she really have such low regard for my feelings that she gets butt hurt that I don't want this item in our bedroom?
 
#97 ·
Years ago I was going through a box of momento's my mother had found in the attic. I found a few letters an old girlfriend had written me. Understand we were hardly serious with one another and shared maybe a half dozen affectionate kisses.

My wife came our of her room and asked what I was reading. I told her and she became unglued and insisted I destroy them that moment. I obliged immediately and thought how ironic it all was. Not to long ago we were cleaning out some of our old stuff and I found several cards and items from him. I just shredded them. Fair's fair right? It felt good.

By the way I know that he is much more "gifted" than I. I know way to much about their relationship and trust me I did not inquire.

Recently she has taken to downloading songs that in my mind are all about them. "You oughta know" (yes she did go down on him in a theater), What hurt's the most (might as well be written about them) and most recently Never gonna let you go (she allegedly hates that kind of music). Thanks for the triggers dear.
 
#102 ·
Years ago I was going through a box of momento's my mother had found in the attic. I found a few letters an old girlfriend had written me. Understand we were hardly serious with one another and shared maybe a half dozen affectionate kisses.

My wife came our of her room and asked what I was reading. I told her and she became unglued and insisted I destroy them that moment. I obliged immediately and thought how ironic it all was. Not to long ago we were cleaning out some of our old stuff and I found several cards and items from him. I just shredded them. Fair's fair right? It felt good.

By the way I know that he is much more "gifted" than I. I know way to much about their relationship and trust me I did not inquire.

Recently she has taken to downloading songs that in my mind are all about them. "You oughta know" (yes she did go down on him in a theater), What hurt's the most (might as well be written about them) and most recently Never gonna let you go (she allegedly hates that kind of music). Thanks for the triggers dear.
Old letters are fun aren't they? Like I said earlier, I've never been one to snoop, and haven't. I think the two main reasons why are that I an naturally a very patient person who can easily control my own curiosity, and two, my STBW has been very forthcoming and honest. There is one exception to this. WHen the issue came up with her ex husband going to that weekend of sex and boozing and brought back the pictures, she had them in a box that had some old letters in it as well. I didn't even know those things existed until I asked her what was up one day. She seemed down and upset about something and and said that she had seen on Facebook that the annual weekend was coming up, and so we talked about it, and one thing led to another. I did confront her for keeping those pictures not just because of my RJ, but because it just wasn't healthy and if she truly was over all that, why was she keeping the trophies? Well, she took out the box and showed me the pictures. They were pretty graphic. I noticed some letters in the box as well, but didn't say anything about them.

After she threw it all out, I did go back and look at the letters. Fortunately, they were not all that bad. Letters from her boyfriend of a year and a half between her ex husband and me. He had gone away to Army basic training, and it was pretty mundane stuff. The only thing that got me was he made a few mentions of how much he was looking forward to getting home and having sex with her on her waterbed. I didn't react nearly as strongly as I feared I would, but it did give me one more reason to want to get rid of that damn bed.

That was the one and only time I have snooped.
 
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#99 ·
Rclawson, 28 years, damn man, I thought I had it bad, been suffering for 15 years hoping it would ease up, my story is a bit extreme though. Prom, previous marriage, long term relationship, none of these things bother me at all. Its the one nighters, threesomes and whoring that she done that eats away at my soul like a cancer. And the triggers are there on a daily basis. If I dont see something on tv or a movie, my mind will give me a trigger or mind movie to enjoy. She knows it bothers me, or I think she does, I dont talk to her about it anymore, since its not her problem and mine. I just suffer in silence.
 
#101 ·
Rclawson, 28 years, damn man, I thought I had it bad, been suffering for 15 years hoping it would ease up, my story is a bit extreme though.
i have been married thirty years and it really started bothering me badddd a couple of years ago. before that it bothered me around the 10-12 year mark. seems like the longer and closer we are together the more it hurts.
 
#106 ·
It may or may not mean anything, and there may or may not be memories for her. My STBW and I are getting married in Vegas...remember my story about the Vegas lingerie?...anyway, as we were talking about it, both excited, she said she would take me around to all the best places, and I'm cool with that, no problems at all, then she said she knew exactly the hotel we should stay in for our wedding night because it was really beautiful and she loved it. STOP RIGHT THERE! No way to say there were no fond memories there. It was pretty obvious that she didn't put the pieces together about what she was saying. She was just excited about some place she really liked.

I told her we should make our own new memories and I'd like to find a hotel neither of us had ever stayed in before. I didn't tell her that there was no way in hell I was going to spend MY wedding night in the presidential suite her ex husband beat the crap out of her in when he was drunk and lost at the table before fvcking her in the jacuzzi...yeah I'd heard about that one a long time ago when she was talking about the abusiveness.
 
#107 ·
Most of the examples given by people here, the partners probably didn't even remotely consider that they could be causing pain. It's not because they are mean or anything like that. They are just being open, and I guess that is a good thing that they are not walking on eggshells. Most of the times I feel the RJ, and I still dislike that term as it is not jealousy in the least, but most of the time, I don't say anything, process it, and move on.

Notice the number of people here on this thread who have admitted to feeling this way? I have a feeling that many people, some posters here included, that do not know how it feels, or say their partner doesn't have this issue, are in fact with someone who does feel this way, and are simply good at hiding it for the sake of the relationship.
 
#109 ·
I'm not suggesting anyone acutally do this. But for the people who suffer from this, especially Sam (because of the abuse), do you think you'd feel better if you could just beat the living sh1t out of her ex?
 
#114 ·
I don't think it would for me. I don't feel as if he has done anything wrong to me personally. Their issues ARE their past issues, and she has worked through them. I don't really feel the need to protect and defend her from her past.

That said, she knows that I have absolutely no respect for him as a man, and that if he messes with her or us at all, she will need bail money for me.
 
#122 ·
I have one for you all.. imagine this.... not sure how in the world my Grandmother allowed this, but my mother was NAMED after one of My Grandfathers Old Girlfriends...(it was a unique name anyway)..... she has wondered if this may have played a role in his favoring her ....and the contention with her own mother over the years...

Funny she wasn't kicking and screaming to get that off the birth certificate!
 
#124 ·
I have one for you all.. imagine this.... not sure how in the world my Grandmother allowed this, but my mother was NAMED after one of My Grandfathers Old Girlfriends...(it was a unique name anyway)..... she has wondered if this may have played a role in his favoring her ....and the contention with her own mother over the years...

Funny she wasn't kicking and screaming to get that off the birth certificate!
So this may have been an issue for her...

I do wonder how many people are truly being honest when they say things like that wouldn't or don't bother them at all.

Hypothetical...would it have bothered you if your huddy had wanted to name your daughter after one of his old girlfriends?
 
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