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Old 10-09-2013, 09:22 AM   #16 (permalink)
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Default Re: Retroactive Jealousy?! I have that!

She is not living in her past, she is living in the present, with you.

Her past will still have shaped her into the person she is today, so for all your jealousy, if she had not taken the course in life she did, you may not be with her now.

We all have a story.
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Old 10-09-2013, 09:29 AM   #17 (permalink)
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Default Re: Retroactive Jealousy?! I have that!

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Originally Posted by Mavash. View Post
Just piping in to offer support. This is very real and very painful.

I wish you well and hope you can come to peace with her past.
Hi Mavash. Hope all is well.

As Mavash pointed out, IDK, this is an issue that can be very difficult, not only for the person dealing with the RJ, but also for that person's SO. So, tread lightly. Good luck.

One more thing. Please ignore the flood of 'just get over it' comments that usually accompany a thread of this nature. They should be coming in.....3....2....1.....
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Old 10-09-2013, 09:40 AM   #18 (permalink)
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Default Re: Retroactive Jealousy?! I have that!

Wouldn't it be nice if "just get over it" worked?

I wouldn't have had to spend thousands of dollars healing myself from depression then.

TAM wouldn't exist. Therapists would be out of business. The drug market would collapse.

Just get over it. Brilliant!

I think the exact opposite advice works actually. EMBRACE the feelings and learn to coexist with them.

I've had to learn to coexist with my depression tendencies and the same can be said for RJ. It just takes a bit of effort, awareness, counseling maybe and mindfulness.
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Old 10-09-2013, 09:47 AM   #19 (permalink)
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Default Re: Retroactive Jealousy?! I have that!

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Originally Posted by Satya View Post
She is not living in her past, she is living in the present, with you.

Her past will still have shaped her into the person she is today, so for all your jealousy, if she had not taken the course in life she did, you may not be with her now.

We all have a story.
The thing people seem to forget when forming this idea, is that her past becomes his present everytime it comes up. For her, it is recalling a memory that she has processed and worked through. For him, he is experiencing it in the present, for the first time.

I would seriously question the empathy of a partner who's response to RJ is simply 'get over it'
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Old 10-09-2013, 09:56 AM   #20 (permalink)
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Default Re: Retroactive Jealousy?! I have that!

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Wouldn't it be nice if "just get over it" worked?

I wouldn't have had to spend thousands of dollars healing myself from depression then.

TAM wouldn't exist. Therapists would be out of business. The drug market would collapse.

Just get over it. Brilliant!

I think the exact opposite advice works actually. EMBRACE the feelings and learn to coexist with them.

I've had to learn to coexist with my depression tendencies and the same can be said for RJ. It just takes a bit of effort, awareness, counseling maybe and mindfulness.
Thunder7 and I may be the resident RJ guys, but you are certainly the resident spouse, and I just have to applaud your efforts to realize that this is a very real thing and not something that should just be dismissed. It's one of those things that unless you have lived it, you really can't understand it.
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Old 10-09-2013, 10:07 AM   #21 (permalink)
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Default Re: Retroactive Jealousy?! I have that!

I fully admit I don't 'get' RJ I just don't.

But then again my husband didn't 'get' my depression either.

I believe in the philosophy of unless you've walked a mile in someone else's shoes you have no idea their pain.

If you tell me you are in pain I will take that at face value and treat it with kindness even if I don't fully understand it.

It's the right thing to do.

I offer that same compassion to the OP.
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Old 10-09-2013, 10:10 AM   #22 (permalink)
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As alexm said, it does get better with time, as long as you do not find yourself obsessing over it.

One thing that triggered fairly recently for me was almost a comedy of errors that I just took from bad to worse. We were walking through the store, and there was a big display of baby oil. We sleep on a water bed, and so I made the comment about stripping the sheets and oiling it up, and she said that might sound fun in theory, but you can't get any leverage. In an attempt to redirect, I said that since baby oil tears the crap out of condoms and other latex and rubber things, it probably wouldn't be good for the mattress. She said she didn't know that because she never had to worry about it because she never really used condoms...uggh.
Yep, just like that. It doesn't mean anything to her, she's just telling you a fact. But it just takes the wind out of your sail. My GF told me a lot of things when we were in the teasing/flirting stage. Just general I like this and that type stuff. At the time it was HOT! Now, I just wish I didn't know. LOL funny how that table turns.

I'm glad you found an awesome girl, sam. I know how that feels and 99% of the time it feels awesome! Well worth the 1% when we get in our heads.

Thank you everyone for your support and advice!

Satya, you're exactly right. We are both who we are today BECAUSE of our pasts. She always tells me timing is everything, and we met exactly when we were meant to. She believes our lives have been preparing us to be with each other. That says a lot about her mindset to me.

I am very careful not to cast blame at her for her past. I don't even feel like she did anything "wrong."
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Old 10-09-2013, 10:17 AM   #23 (permalink)
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Default Re: Retroactive Jealousy?! I have that!

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I fully admit I don't 'get' RJ I just don't.
Mavash, I don't think we 'get it' either. And that's the ***** of it. From a logical standpoint we all say, 'This makes no sense at all to feel this way'. But that doesn't stop those feelings.

OP, just so you know, in the little bit of research that I've done on this I have found that RJ is actually a form of OCD, which would explain the compulsiveness of it. And, also why 'just get over it' is meaningless.
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Old 10-09-2013, 10:27 AM   #24 (permalink)
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Default Re: Retroactive Jealousy?! I have that!

I too do not care for the "just get over it already... she is with you Bud" attitudes that come forth on these threads...

Just from observing others stories....the way men are geared.....I feel some of the most loving / giving men ...with the biggest & deepest hearts for their women ARE the ones who struggle with this issue..it is because they love so deeply and are sensitive...in many ways, this is just one (and it can cause a problem & torment him)....but yet....it is born out of the fact he loves so deeply, it hurts to imagine her being with another......so it's very delicate to deal with this...

And I give kudoos to all the wonderful women who have taken the time to understand what they are going through and to NOT make light of it... but to show they care.. that they are there for the long haul in helping them overcome it...whatever it takes.......those relationships will MAKE it...and thrive...

Being flippant about this very delicate thing is to spit on the man....that's what I see.

Samyeagar has a very GOOD attitude in this ...You should do a specific thread devoted to this.....you seem to be the poster boy of overcoming on this as well.. take notice of his words here again......there is NO judgement on the woman...

Quote:
samyeagar said: Always remember to consciously make sure you do not say or do anything to disrespect, humiliate, degrade, make her justify, or otherwise use her past against her because she did nothing wrong, and that is very unfair, especially in the heat of an argument. She is working with you on this right now. That shows that she really does care and is putting in the effort to make this work.
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Old 10-09-2013, 10:28 AM   #25 (permalink)
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Default Re: Retroactive Jealousy?! I have that!

Just remember that this is your problem, not hers. Rj is a form of ocd, when you add depression and reality perception problems in the mix, it can be a real mess, not going to go into my story but I've been suffering for 15 years. It gets better, but it never goes away, always a trigger. Lots of people find that talking it over with their partner helps out a good bit. I dont talk to her about it anymore, I know enough to be scarred for life like it is. Dive deeper into the rabbit hole and theres just more crap to pile on with the rest of it. "Just get over it" , "the past is the past", "she wouldnt be who she is today", I've heard all that and many more, it would be nice to be able to think like that. Just dont work with people like us. We all have a past, we all make mistakes, ect, holding the past against someone is really unfair. Talking to her about it might help alot, then again she could get tired of hearing it over and over and it might actually drive her away. Hopefully you will get some good advice on this from others. I've been looking for answers on this myself for quite sometime, this is actually what brought me to this site. I never said anything about it because of all the bullsh*t others spout off about it when they dont have an issue with it. Funny how when something effects you directly your whole perception of things change.
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Old 10-09-2013, 10:29 AM   #26 (permalink)
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Yep, just like that. It doesn't mean anything to her, she's just telling you a fact. But it just takes the wind out of your sail. My GF told me a lot of things when we were in the teasing/flirting stage. Just general I like this and that type stuff. At the time it was HOT! Now, I just wish I didn't know. LOL funny how that table turns.

I'm glad you found an awesome girl, sam. I know how that feels and 99% of the time it feels awesome! Well worth the 1% when we get in our heads.

Thank you everyone for your support and advice!

Satya, you're exactly right. We are both who we are today BECAUSE of our pasts. She always tells me timing is everything, and we met exactly when we were meant to. She believes our lives have been preparing us to be with each other. That says a lot about her mindset to me.

I am very careful not to cast blame at her for her past. I don't even feel like she did anything "wrong."
What you said here could have been written about my STBW and I. All of it. When we were first getting to know eachother, various stories, not too detailed mind you, no problems at all, but now...I wish I'd never known.

Both of us being of the mindset that we are who we are today because of our pasts, and that it seems that fate brought us together, we were being prepared for eachother...yep, that's us. We both agree that even though we were miserable in our marriages, if we had met ten years ago, no way we'd end up together, and if we'd known eachother before we were married, we likely wouldn't have even been friends.

One thing a lot of people just don't get is that the feelings are never ones of disgust, contempt, or anything bad at all towards her. I have never thought any less of her, that she did anything wrong, or thought she was dirty or anything like that at all. They just are, and are almost detached from her in a way. So many people just don't get it...they think we are thinking badly of our partner, shaming them, and nothing could be farther from the truth.

I think the main thing is the mind movies. Even simple things create the mental image, and the real chore is getting the image out of my head.
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Old 10-09-2013, 10:38 AM   #27 (permalink)
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Default Re: Retroactive Jealousy?! I have that!

I don't really understand what your jealous of? You knew she had two previous husbands before you got married I'm guessing and at 34 years old you couldn't have expected (or really wanted) her to not have had any life experiences with other men.

Are you jealous you aren't the first guy she's been with? It sort of sounds that way. If so, keep in mind she isn't the first woman that you've been with either. From your description you even say that she isn't really bringing up the exes just talking about relevant life experiences from the past.

My advice, would be to get some sort of counseling for this. If it keeps going it's just going to turn into trouble for the relationship.
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Old 10-09-2013, 10:38 AM   #28 (permalink)
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Mavash, I don't think we 'get it' either. And that's the ***** of it. From a logical standpoint we all say, 'This makes no sense at all to feel this way'. But that doesn't stop those feelings.

OP, just so you know, in the little bit of research that I've done on this I have found that RJ is actually a form of OCD, which would explain the compulsiveness of it. And, also why 'just get over it' is meaningless.
I've suffered from OCD so that I get.

Yeah I was that woman alphabetizing the spices and making labels all match back in my crazy days.

Logically I knew it made no sense but I couldn't stop doing it.
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Old 10-09-2013, 10:38 AM   #29 (permalink)
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OP, just so you know, in the little bit of research that I've done on this I have found that RJ is actually a form of OCD, which would explain the compulsiveness of it. And, also why 'just get over it' is meaningless.
That's very interesting. It does make sense for it to be. I knew no good was going to come from digging, but I almost HAD to do it. I stopped myself twice, but finally ended up doing it anyway. I knew she had to have seen some good in her ex and loved him. But it was much different knowing that in an abstract way, and seeing pictures of them together.
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Old 10-09-2013, 10:41 AM   #30 (permalink)
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Default Re: Retroactive Jealousy?! I have that!

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Being a glutton for punishment, I went deep into her facebook history. Of course there were old status updates about and pictures of her ex husband. It really bothered me that she kept these. We talked about it and she said she had forgoten they were even on there. She deleted the pictures. I don't know if she has or even if you can delete a status, so I just haven't looked that far back again.

2 weeks ago I did it again but this time it was not as far back and it was just statuses and a video of the last guy she dated before me. I deactivated my FB account to help eliminate the temptation to do it again. She knew something was bothering me, so we talked about it a little bit. She reasured me that she's right where she wants to be and I am who she wants to be with.

I know this is going to destroy our relationship if I don't get a handle on it. Even if it doesn't drive me away, she will end up losing respect for me because it's just screaming insecure at her. I've felt this in all serious relationships before and it did eventually stop. The problem is that, from what I remember, I had to shut down emotionally a bit to stop feeling jealous. I DON'T want to do that this time.

So what can I do? What can I read? How do I stop myself from dwelling on things I know not too?
Since you already knew you were prone to RJ, may I ask why you went deep into her FB history?

I would think that if you already know RJ is a problem you have, the less investigating into the past you would do so that you have less to dwell on.
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